Friday, April 15, 2011

A Knock At The Door



This story reminds me so much of the mindset that is prevalent in Armstrongism.  
Particularly in Flurryism, Meredithism, Packism and Malmism.


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This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
 
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain connections."

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."


John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:



  1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
  2. Use alcohol in moderation.
  3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
  4. Eat right.
  5. Hank dictated this list himself.
  6. The moon is made of green cheese.
  7. Everything Hank says is right.
  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
  9. Don't drink.
  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
  11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me:
"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has  been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

 
Mary blushes.  


John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"


Mary looks positively stricken.  



John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"


Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."


John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."


Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."


With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.



Shamelessly filched from The Christian Heretic Blog

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a classic. I read it about two years ago and it still is the best analogy ever of fundamentalism.

Anonymous said...

One night at a meal I accidentally dropped a glass that hit a dish and broke into pieces on the table. There were small pieces of glass all around the dish of spinach, so I assumed they must be in the spinach, as well. I began to remove the dish of spinach from the table saying that there was probably glass in it and that we couldn't eat it. My husband said, "It's probably all right. Just be careful when you eat it. We can't throw it out." He made a good salary and money was no problem, so it was not because of money! I went to a minister at church and told him about it. He leaned across the table and looked at me and said, "You've got to obey your husband! If he tells you to eat glass, you've got to do it and just pray that you'll be all right. Maybe if he eats the glass, he'll learn a lesson."

Anonymous said...

You wouldn't, per chance, be talking about Hank Hanegraaff would you? That would really make this disussion worthwhile!

In a recent discussion with a CoG7 minister about Herbert Armstrong, the topic about how he got people in and why they stayed came up. He said his father disclosed, concerning the Radio Broadcasts of Herbert Armstrong and GTA, pulled people in with some truth or other that they would acknowledge and then, having accepted something which was true, made the mistake of assuming that it was all true. He mentioned this was in an environment of high energy, so it was a really appealing sales pitch. And it could be one of many "truths" people believe in, whether it be the 10 Commandments, the Sabbath, Holy Days, evolution. There were enough different things people would agree with, delivered with appealing high energy and occasional mystery thrown in, that it did have appeal.

Once hooked on the sales pitch, people would be drawn in to close the sale. From there, they didn't have to look any further, because IT IS THE TRUTH!

This is the typical corporate sales hack which has been successful from the dawn of humanity.

It doesn't matter if it's Armstrongism, Scientology or MLM Amway, it's the same scam, no matter how it's dressed up.

The problem with this sort of sleazy salesmanship is maintenance. Our discussion concluded with the observation that Herbert Armstrong held the WCG together by brute force by providing structure under a despotic administration and sending out clones from Ambassador College (the CoG7 minister did use the word "clones"). After Herbert Armstrong died, the high energy dropped to nothing, the structure disintegrated and new little clonelettes setting up shop shattered the once mostly cohesive empire Herbert Armstrong built on shear force of will.

The Empire cannot be recreated.

All those "facts" from long ago may attract a few hermits who haven't kept up on the news and / or are ultraconservative and too naive to notice how truly liberal the Armstrongist ministers and administration are. Look closely and you'll find the liberalism behind the curtain, with the only true conservatism tied to income, salaries and retirements to continue whatever can be salvaged of the good life.

In the end, it's about selfish narcissistic hirelings getting what's left over in the hog trough. What it should be about is repenting of breaking local and federal laws (stalking and fondling underage teens included), cleaning up the mess and fixing the problems. The only problem is that with a seared conscience, there's not much left to even arouse embarrasment or have any shame, so the sociopaths are just left with what they have dwindling to less and less until there is nothing.