Thursday, September 1, 2011

"Guardians of the Calendar Committee" Job Opening In Petra

Apostle Malm  may have a job opening for you worthy saints. Those lucky enough to be counted worthy to travel to Petra with the Apostle can start applying for a new job opening.

Because there is such a controversy on who gets to see the "new moon" and as to what time it actually appears - if it even does, the Apostle will be setting up a moon gazing committee.  Imagine the amazement you will feel standing in the middle or Petra gazing at the dark sky and you see that first glimmer of the new moon!

Of course, while you are parked INSIDE the great expanse of Petra, the Apostle will be outside in the Marriott in a cozy bed with an ample supply of liquor in the refrigerator.

Drop the Apostle a line and let him you know you want to be on his committee: Email Address

I would expect that God’s two prophets may be trusted to deal with the matter in the rest of the world while those in the wilderness would be united in location and some kind of system of observation would be set up there. I thinkl that a kind of Guardians of the Caendar Committee should be set up of people with some understanding of astronomy and the Calendar issues and a reglular method of observing each month should be doen. I am sure that something will be worked out. The main heavenly disturbances are not so much of the sun and moon but of a comet and or meteor falling to the earth and that only late into the 42 months. The moon turning red has to do with atmospheric smoke and dust due to the cataclysms on the earth rather than anything in the heavens. James


Black Ops Mikey said...

I'm probably the second most qualified, with Paul Woods, Pastor of the Seventh Day Church of God, Caldwell, Idaho, and Editor and Publisher of "The Herald of Truth" being the foremost.

Unfortunately, we will be unavailable.

Doesn't Apostle Malm know that, according to Art Braidic over the Eternal Church of God, none of us need to worry about getting to the Place of Safety in Petra (at least I think he thinks it's Petra), because an angel will swoop down and take the faithful there. We don't have to get our passports in order or save the travel money. We aren't even going to use United States Military transport to be forced out of the country. Don't worry about a thing. Your travel arrangements are taken care of.

Of course, if the angel doesn't swoop in and take you personally to the Place of Safety, you'll be going through the Great Tribulation for 7 years. I think it's seven years. I suppose that's what the Bible says. You know these things always seem to take longer than we think they will -- including being taken to the Place of Safety and the onset of the Great Tribulation. Faith -- you won't leave home without it.

It's just too early to make choices or even applications for specific jobs. It may turn out that an angel will tell us when to have the New Moons and the Feasts. After all, if an angel took you there, then other angels can do the essential services, since they are ministering servants.

Too -- you know, I want to wait until I find out if I'm actually going to be there. There are certain subtle indications I might not be, seeing as how the ACoGs hate me so much for ruining their party. Then too, there's a question of whether Apostle Malm will be there because of two issues: The first one being that he will probably be busy in Jerusalem stopping the rain and preaching along with the second, yet unnamed witness (which right now does seem to be Gerald Flurry, but we'll see); the other is that there isn't going to be a Place of Safety and the whole thing is a disappointing psychotic fantasy.

Steve said...

How much does the job pay? Fuck 'em if they think I'm going to do anything for free again, all those years the asshole "ministers" were the only ones getting paid!! I also want back-pay from 1969 to 1997.

DennisCDiehl said...

Oh oh pick me! I have a small quality telescope should we have any doubts, I am a very compliant person and will do and believe just about anything if it gets me a free vacation. I know the sky very well, including constellations, the journey of the sun through the 12 signs of the zodiac and the story behi....hmmmm, well.....never mind.

Steve said...

And, Dennis, don't forget to tell us how Paul was a fake. :-)

Steve said...

Guardians of the Calendar Committee Job Application:

Gender: Male(No Females Need Apply)____.

Age:_____.(Must be able to last 3 and 1/2 years in the desert).

Race: Israelte____/ Non-Israelite____.

When Did Gawd Call You?: Date________.

Record of Faithful Tithing: From____ To____.

Are You Ordained?:____.

What Is Your Rank?:_________.

Rate of Pay:$_________.

How Many Splinter Groups Have You Been In?:_____.

Do You Follow Orders Without Question?:______.(Only a "yes" answer need apply).

Total Amount of Money You Can Bring:_______.

Eye Sight:_______(Must be able to see the moon).

Experience In Gazing At The Moon Or Watching Crops:_____________.

When Can You Start?_________.

All questions must be answered truthfully. If not, you will be disfellowshipped and stoned by the other members of the committee.

In Jesus' Name,
End-Time Apostle Malm.