Friday, April 15, 2011

A Knock At The Door

This story reminds me so much of the mindset that is prevalent in Armstrongism.  
Particularly in Flurryism, Meredithism, Packism and Malmism.


This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain connections."

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

  1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
  2. Use alcohol in moderation.
  3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
  4. Eat right.
  5. Hank dictated this list himself.
  6. The moon is made of green cheese.
  7. Everything Hank says is right.
  8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
  9. Don't drink.
  10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
  11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has  been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.  

John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.  

John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Shamelessly filched from The Christian Heretic Blog

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Only Aphrodite Worshippers Put Honey In Their Homemade Matzo's

The lunacy continues with God's appointed end time prophet/apostle, Pastor Malm:

PASSOVER ULB:  It has been brought to my attention that there are some recipes put out by COG Groups which actually call for honey in Unleavened Bread.  The Scriptures absolutely forbid the use of honey in any baked offering [made by fire] to be eaten, or grain [meat] offering to be burned [consumed by God in the fire; the fire symbolic of God's spirit]  in the fire.
This is because of the heavy connection of bees and honey with pagan religions and witchcraft.  The pagan deities are strongly associated with bees and honey – Aphrodite, Vishnu, Pan, Cybele, and Ra, just to name a few.
That does NOT mean that bees and honey are bad; they are creations of God and are good.  It does mean that these good things are being used as symbols of perversion by the heathan.  NEVER use honey in any Passover or ULB unleavened bread.  Please simply google paganism bees for more.

And what about those sinful eggs???

 No, I am not talking about THOSE eggs, Apostle Malm is upset about these eggs:

How dare you cooks out there beat your eggs to put in your UB baked products!  Everyone knows you are trying to get as close to Satan as possible when you do that! Heathen, perverse generation of laodicean sinners!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It should also be remembered that recipes calling for an artificial leavening by the addition of beaten eggs is symbolic of getting as close to sin as possible while actually breaking the letter of the law.  This is breaking the spirit of the law and it is SIN; in the same way that hate is murder, or that lust is adultery.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Born Right the First Time?

Born Right the First Time?

Dennis Diehl - EzineArticles Expert AuthorThe purpose of most religion is to make us "better" than we currently are. The Biblical premise is that all human beings are fatally flawed, not good enough and in need of vast improvements and control of their "human nature." Without this ongoing overcoming of the evil self, growing towards a better kind of person and change, one runs the risk of being so not good enough that they will spend eternity, for their inability to change over a rather short lifetime, in a punishing hell. Scripture goes out of its way to remind us all that our fundamental human qualities are deceit, wickedness, jealousy, anger, lust and greed. I find that personally to be one of the most unhelpful and controlling lies ever foisted upon human beings by religion. Of course that is how we can act, but that is not who we are by any real means when given the freedom to be authentic and feel safe in being so.

We are called "worms" and less than nothing in this great book of encouragement. Even the early leaders, prophets and apostle types knew that they had to degrade themselves as less than human in order to show they understood they were not worth anything as an unregenerate human being. Only when one realized they were a piece of poop, could they lead the people who were really poopy people. If you could not utter the words, "I am not worthy," you would never be a Bible CEO. The Apostle Paul noted that he was "the least of the Apostles" and that "the things that I don't want to do, I do and the things I should, I don't." He made his problems everyone's. He concluded he was simply a wretched human being, and so should everyone else. He reminded others that they were blind, miserable, poor and naked of heart and spirit. He even said he had to beat himself into submission, lest after preaching to others, he should flub up himself and be a castaway. Seems he didn't have the confidence "in the blood," to make up the differences in what he was and what he felt he needed to be.

Jesus is also said to have said that humans are to become "perfect, even (in the same way) as your Father in heaven is perfect." No challenge there to be better than one is at any one moment! Of course this is not possible and it is not possible or plausible in any "now I'm converted and full of the Holy Spirit" way. You have never met any Christian who has reached this goal in life. I have met some who act like they have and I have met some who agonize of not being able, but I have never met one that did in fact, whatever that means. Actually they would be one freaky human being I would think.

How did we get this way? Well, of course it was due to the "fall" where Adam and Eve, our really true and actual first human parents, created by God out of mud and ribs, flubbed up and ate the forbidden fruit. We have all been blamed for this event and must spend our lives coming under a blood sacrifice of a more perfect human/god being and then continuing the struggle to be "better" until we die. Its then we find out we understood being bad enough to be good enough to live forever. Redemption of humans by blood sacrifice and execution have always been the preferred solution to the depravity of man. Membership in the club usually cost ten or more percent of your material income and membership in the one true of many churches. I am not being disrespectful to the life and teachings of Jesus but few understand how that has been woven into a tale that Jesus himself would have cringed at.

I remember as a teen when it was "time you were baptised" being told I was all these miserable things and in need of deep and heartfelt repentance and, of course, a savior. The minister took me through all the Ten Commandments and asked me if I understood that I had broken EVERY ONE of them all my short life and thus, was condemned to death. I was a mere 18 year old, nice kid, good home, pretty compliant, a bit guilt and shame ridden by upbringing, but not a really big nasty sinner on drugs with three illegitimate kids. And yet, here I sat being convinced I worshiped other gods, (money, success, human hopes and dreams), somehow always took God's name in vain, (mom and dad would have washed my mouth out with soap...I only learned to cuss and such after being in the ministry) and worshiped on the wrong day of the week along with having to repent of keeping the wrong Holy Days all my short life.

I was in some deep evil way a killer, adulterer, thief, liar and coveter of all men's goods and women. When I said I hadn't really killed anyone, I was told that I hated and that's the same thing. I admitted I had not had sex with anyone to that point, but my lust covered that one too. I wanted to say, "well no, I really hadn't done that either", but that would have been ill advised if I ever wanted to get baptized and have a future with the group. He told me to come back another day and more deeply repent of my nasty, evil and wicked 18 year old self. Of course I did in time and joined the "you still aren't good enough" club for the next three decades as a pastor who then passed the good news of human depravity on to thousands and reminding them that while they might think they are nice people, they are under the eternal death penalty those stinkers Adam and Eve brought upon us all no matter. However, I did a bit of growing myself and concluded the story of my guilt by association to Adam and Eve wasn't literally true. Human beings have evolved for the most part as good science has noted. I've had my own genome mapped back 60,000 years to all our African origins. I don't believe that it would be a very fair thing for humans to pay a literal and eternal death penalty based on a mythical and not literally true story.

Have you ever considered the fact that you and I may have been born right the first time? What if the most simple and spiritual goal a human being has is to become your own genuine, authentic and self? What if our purpose in life is neither to jump through the hoops set out by others, who think they know, nor to struggle and strive to improve yourself dramatically over what you are? People don't change much over a life time no matter what their religious affiliations, and while it's an improvement to stop killing one's self with sugar, caffeine, alcohol and nicotine along with other assorted body killing habits, it's ok to just be yourself.

Is it easy to be yourself? No, not in our culture and certainly not in many others where not being a mere cog in the tribal wheel can get you killed in really bad ways. One of life's simple truths that most humans have long since forgotten or never knew is that all of us are one and the same and all smaller parts of the one single thing. I don't pretend to know what that is, but let's just say we are all one in the same conscious awareness stuck in a limited five sensed carbon based wet suit for now. As Mike Adams said in a recent article on The discovery of DNA variability, holographic blueprints and the symphony of life...

"We are, in fact, an expression of the very phenomena we are attempting to understand, and if we read the poetry of DNA correctly, we will realize that life itself is not about the accumulation of wealth, or stuff, or power over others, but rather the discovery of self. And "self" does not exist in isolation. We are, in every way imaginable, intertwined. We are all made of the same stuff, wrought from the same patterns of nature, and in fact, formulated from the same musical notes played out in five billion unique but compatible tunes. With this discovery, Western science has concluded we are all more different from each other than previously thought, but I believe it is evidence that we are all just unique verses of the same universal poem."

That's a far cry from humans being merely wretched, miserable, poor blind and naked worms that need major rehab at the hands of prophets, priests and pastors. Saying we are born right the first time and not in need of being born again or reborn goes against the meme, which is the mind virus we all got taught as kids. Our parents had it taught to them and their parents before that. It is the idea that we are all flawed a birth by a non-event in the lives of our first not literally so parents Adam and Eve. It's the idea that even if you are a pretty ok person, you are filled with vanity, jealousy, lust and greed that unless paid for by a perfect blood sacrifice, demands you spend eternity in hell burning forever, cut off from God, or permanently dead. It's also not true and is not what a genuine human being, in reality needs to become the monkey on their back over.

What liberation it is to simply recognize that we are all one and the same smaller parts of the one big thing. It is every bit as difficult to live an authentic life as it is to live a life of false compliance to the will of others. It is easy or not easy depending on the need to please everyone or appear to agree when you don't, to be true to your self and by self, I do not mean ego. I mean true to the conscious awareness that abides in the container we all too often mistake for the self. You are not your body. That is merely transportation and a container for a short time. You are not your brain. That is a receiver of information and memories that may, in fact, arise from outside of a bigger you and I than we can imagine. You are not your mind, which is that thinking brain that spins in the angry past or projects itself into the anxiety filled future when it has nothing better to do in the present.  A spinning mind can be a terrible thing...waste it!

How much misery and struggle to be all that one can never really be religion has heaped upon the faithful. Not many will leave the warmth and comfort of the boxes they were born in by happenstance and explore ideas that are not acceptable to the tribe or the church. But some will. They might be labeled "heretics" or perhaps more benevolently, "ahead of their times." In the past, those ahead of their times tended to be burned at the stake. Leaving the box of religious dogma is difficult and often one leaves it alone and on their own. Those in the last box don't often follow. You can be your authentic self as it comes to you and risk a lot but gain a lot, or you can put on your mask and be more comfortable but scarfing down antidepressants the rest of your life. That seems to be the way the road to the fact that being oneself is the most simple spiritual truth there is for a genuine human being.

Politics, fear, guilt and shame are some of the reasons human beings behave badly. Feeling unsafe can do a lot of damage. All of Iraq is coming unglued because of fear and self preservation, not some inherent evil that is the true, ongoing and daily nature of man. When people feel safe, appreciated, respected and listened to, you'd be surprised how much good can be accomplished. If Chicago was Baghdad, these same fears and survival skills would rear their ugly heads in the neighborhood.

What is the most simple spiritual truth a human can come to recognize? While there may be many, the simple recognition that being your authentic self in thought, word and deed is ok, is near the top. If my even saying that to you makes you uncomfortable, then you can know that it is not far from a truth you, as a conscious being, needs to consider in the time you have left to live in your limited five sensed, carbon based wet suit.

Dennis C. Diehl

Have No Fear, Malm Is Here!

Have no fear ye followers of the one and only TRUE god.  James Malm, your humble end time prophet, apostle, 1/2 of the two witlesses (sorry Mr. and Mrs. Weinerdude) and future martyr  has firsthand revealed knowledge on just how things are going to start happening as the end times rolls in.  Isn't this exciting!  Wow!  Time to start my Petra pack........

1  A Middle East war is expected to set the conditions for a peace agreement.
2  The Abomination, which IS the false prophet; will be set up (this is the first seal of Revelation). 
3  A peace deal will be reached; allowing for a declaration of peace and safety very near the time that the abomination goes to the Holy Place, 1 Thes 5:3.  There may or may not be a seven year treaty with the Jews, Palestinians and Vatican.  There will NOT be 3 1/2 years of peace (this is a non biblical tradition of Protesant origin). War will begin AS SOON AS peace is declared.
4  He (the abomination; false prophet) will call for and bring about a revival of the Holy Roman Empire during a 75 day period.
5  The two prophets of God will begin their work.
6  Jerusalem will be surrounded by armies; probably peacekeepers to enforce the agreement.
7  The Church will flee into the wilderness; arriving at the time that the abomination visits the Holy Place.
8  The false prophet will travel to the Holy Place.
9  This will trigger violence which results in the occupation of the city  by these European peace keepers.
10  Israel will not give up Jerusalem without a fight and all Judea will be subjugated.
11  The US will enter the conflict in support of Israel and will be nuked and defeated but not totally destroyed and probably not occupied; just brought to her knees.
12  Europe will be supreme for about 2-3 years.
13  Europe will attack the Asian nations of Russia China ect.
14  Asia will absorb the attack and move into Europe destroying it.
15  The beast and false prophet (abomination) will move to Jerusalem to make their last stand.
16  The two prophets will be killed 3 1/2 days later the resurrection will take place
.17  The Asian armies will move south toward Jerusalem and camp at Miggedo, the Wedding Feast of the Lamb will take place in heaven; and the seven last plagues will be poured out; during the 45 days between the resurrection and the end of the 1,335 days.  See the Wedding Feast article at the link provided above; and also the article on the 1,290 and the 1,335 days.
18  The Asian armies will attack Jerusalem and take half of the city.
19  Christ will come WITH his saints and put down all factions.
20  The beast and false prophet will be killed at the end of the 1,335 days of Dan 12. 
21  God's spirit will be poured out on all flesh, establishing his kingdom on a Feast of Pentecost.
22  There will be 1,000 years of peace; completing a 7,000 year plan for the firstfruits.
23  Satan will be released for a short time and then removed forever.
24  Then the 7,000 year plan for the main harvest will begin; and the Feast of the Ingathering of Nations or the Feast of Tabernacles will bring all repentant humanity into the family of God.
25  After the seven thousand years of the Feast of Tabernacles, the surface of the earth and all wickedness will be destroyed and cleansed by fire.
26  The New Jerusalem will come down from heaven, the Father will come to be with his Christ and his saints; and an eternal future of peace and harmony will bring an endless increase of God's Kingdom throughout the universe. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Levirate Marriage and Armstrongites

Reading COG related message groups on Yahoo is never dull.  Some of the things you read just boggle your mind.  Yahoo is filled with a lot of COG members who have taken legalism to the extreme.  Not content with the myriad of laws, rules and regulations that Armstrongism lays down upon them, they have also incorporated the 613 laws of orthodox Judaism into the lives.  They are constantly harping about one law after another that Christians are 'required' to keep.  There is never a discussion about Jesus, but hundreds and hundreds about the law.  If Jesus is brought up it is only to say, "Christ would not approve."  Saying the word Jesus is too effeminate or Protestant for most of them.

Anyway, one of the topics today was on levirate marriage.  What's a poor woman to do if her young husband is sterile?  Take sperm from a brother or the mans father and artificially inseminate?  Since the man is not dead  the woman cannot marry his brother, so sperm collection seems to be their best choice.

I was thinking about a young friend whose husband became sterile from cancer treatments and it got me thinking that he is "dead" to having the ability to raise up his own house (ben=house or sons)
For his brother to father him a child would fit in the spirit of levirate.
There was no "marriage" at all at first. Just creating a child. Marriage was added on much later to satisfy some people's problems with it, I suppose.
But I think this would be entirely right while the couple is young since we now have artificial insemination.
Again as I said before this service was only to be performed for the sake of "heaven" and no other reason.

"In this day & age, your friend could surely put some of the brother-in-law's stuff in a turkey baster & avoid the actual sexual relations... And if her husband helped out... well, just sayin' there is more than one way to skin a cat."

"I would think the church would not approve, however."

"I donno why not. Anyway, if it were me, I would not tell the church--why would the church need to know such personal business!"

And to end the discussion the uber-legalist on the board always has this response:

"Christ is the head of the Church and He would certainly know, and He is the only important One!!"


David Ben Ariel RIP

Anyone who has been online in the past several years has surely run into David as he preached and promoted all things HWA.  His articles, blog posts, and book promotions (Beyond Babylon, God and the Gays)would turn up in some of the most unexpected places.  He spent huge amounts of time flooding every imaginable bulletin board, COG related blog, military blogs, Jewish groups/newspapers and COG boards with his writings.  He put Chiropractor Bob  Thiel and end time self-appointed prophet James Malm  to shame. He was a stanch support of Israel, even though the country expelled him several years ago and never permitted him to return.

Love him or hate him, he certainly left an impression!

David (Hoover) BEN-ARIEL

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BEN-ARIEL David (Hoover) Passed away peacefully March 27, 2011, surrounded by his family at Hospice of Northwest Ohio. David was born to David and Wanda Hoover on January 10, 1960. David loved to travel and has been to several states and countries. He had lived in Israel for 5 years. David was also the author of two books including "Beyond Babylon". David was preceded in death by his father David; grandparents, Arthur and Vivian Hoover, Edward and Isabella King and younger brother, Bobby. He is survived by his mother, Wanda Shaffer of Toledo; sisters, Sue Chandler (John) of Rising Sun, Kim Garza (Rick) and Lisa Shaffer of Toledo; nieces, Diane Chandler and Shannon Givens; great nieces, Kiera Barnum and Ava Moreau; nephews, Shane Tibbits and Raymond Martinez; great-nephews, Dylan Chandler and Noah Schottley; many aunts and uncles and future father in-law, Douglas Hall. Special thanks to Hospice of Northwest Ohio in Perrysburg, great-niece Kiera for the love and attention she gave him and to Doug Hall for his care and support. Services will be private. Anyone wanting to make a donation please consider Hospice of Northwest Ohio.