Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Why Are Church of God Members Sooooooo Special?



Apparently the Yahooists are all a twitter about a story out of France that claims that Coke has alcohol in it.  What's a poor Jew to do or even a Muslim?  But never fear, if you are true called out Church of God member you have nothing to worry about.
Since COG  members are the 1% set-apart ones and so significantly special above all the rest of humanity that specialness means you cannot die from eating poison or by being bitten by a poisonous snake. Plus, if you happen to eat a pork product in your food, that you did not know about,  God is not going to zap you for it.

Yet, if you get a burger on Saturday after church you will burn in the lake of fire.

God is going to save you from a snake bite but will let you die a painful death from cancer. 

God will heal you when you ingest poison yet will let your child die from a disease. 

How does this magical god choose who gets his special touch?


...inasmuch as the amount of alcohol in sodas is not worth mentioning. Bringing it to anyone's attention is simply ill intent to play with their conscience much as if you are in the middle of eating a burrito and someone tells you it was cooked in lard. Naturally, you then become upset. Happily, we are informed by Paul that if we eat poison or are bitten by snakes.... we will remain unharmed, and we know God does not hold us responsible since we were innocent of wrongdoing. Not so for many other religious folks.

"Not so for many other religious folks."  Really?????

That translated into Church of God speak: 

Because we are Church of God members we are way more special and set apart than the rest of the fake Jews and Christians out there.  They are just deceived idiots that know nothing.  We know everything, especially how special we are in our god's sight.  God is on our side and not yours!  Ha Ha!

(Hat tip to Frank for this)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

So far, I've never seen god zap anyone. Even when they deserved it. To my knowledge, you can murder MILLIONS of other people, and he still doesn't zap you. Sigh. I guess he's just really loving like that. Either that or he doesn't exist.

Lake of Fire Church of God said...

No2HWA said, “Since COG members are the 1% set-apart ones and so significantly special above all the rest of humanity that specialness means you cannot die from eating poison or by being bitten by a poisonous snake. Plus, if you happen to eat a pork product in your food, that you did not know about, God is not going to zap you for it”.

MY COMMENT – NO2HWA, you must either be rounding up or you are exaggerating the percentage of God's very elect alive on this earth. God’s very elect – those special ones called out of this world and who believe God’s end time Apostle and end time Elijah was Herbert W. Armstrong – consists of 2 tenths of 1% according to my math calculation below:

Biblical 144,000 divided by estimated world population of 7,024,075,128 = .00205 or 0.2%

Richard

Douglas Becker said...

Delusional is all I could come up with.

Anonymous said...

"God won't punish you for accidentally ingesting unclean meat....I mean, that's legalistic thinking and we aren't legalists...."

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that from an Armstrongite...and it was always given, smugly, in response to my question of why they were avoiding eating:

-The clearly labeled VEGETABLE curry on a buffet, which was clearly made of VEGETABLES but they "weren't sure" it didn't have unclean meat in it. Because, you know, it might have. VEGETABLE curry.

-Any dish whatsoever prepared in a heathen (ie, ethnic, ie American-Mexican or American-Chinese) restaurant) because even though the dish is described as CHICKEN tacos or BEEF noodles, it, you know, might have unclean meat in it. Can't be sure. Which doesn't make sense because the menu offers PORK tacos and PORK noodles as well.

It was mind boggling. They would refrain from eating CLEAN meat dishes that they, in their extreme paranoia, thought might contain unclean meat. Again, when questioned about this they would eagerly claim that God wouldn't punish them for accidentally ingesting unclean meat. Sooo....why then take extreme, paranoid precautions to avoid accidentally ingesting unclean meat? Again, this wasn't an issue of meat dishes of unknown origin, but CLEAN meat dishes that weren't prepared in their own homes, or by a Hasidic Jew.

It reveals an extreme paranoia- Satan himself is taking an active interest in their lunch in order to cause them to slip up and....what? Lose their salvation? I guess so. So much for their lip service about grace. Yes, Lucifer takes time out from starving African children to death in order to possess a Mexican/Chinese/Indian food worker to force them to "slip" some pork loin into VEGETABLE curry or CHICKEN tacos so that one of God's Elect was compromised.

Yep, observance of the Law beings freedom! Hmmm...that sounds familiar...Work is freedom....Ignorance is strength...etc.

Paul R.

Anonymous said...

I think it's ok for an Armstrongite to eat a can of "Pork and Beans", since the teeny piece of pork in one of those cans can be seen(if you use a magnifying glass) as practically accidental.

OTOH, Armstrongites do tend to lack balls. They may have enough faith to believe God will remove or forgive bacon residue that's on their burger, but their faith PALES IN COMPARISON to real Christians like the snake handlers.

Norm