Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Apostle Malm Begging For More Money For Major Advertising Campaign

Mooching off of members seems to be the favorite method of surviving for almost all COG splinter cult leaders.  Apostle Malm is no different. 

The apostle is gearing up for a major war in the middle east with the world against the Muslims.  When this happens it will demonstrate to the world that the apostle was right in his prophetic utterances and will therefore be major player in the end times warning.

He writes:

I have mentioned several times in the past that I plan a big advertising campaign with Banner ads and full page pop unders at Religious, News Media, Education and other web sites when this war gets under way.  At that time people will be intensely interested in the news and prophecy and will at least take a good look.  Of course, this is in the nature of fulfilling our commission in spreading the true Gospel message of  Warning and Repentance and is not expected to gain any converts at this time.

It is in preparation for this once in a lifetime opportunity, that this new Outreach Site has been built and is being filled with sound doctrine etc and being upgraded.

God has also inspired an advertising syndicate that I have used in the past, to extend to me a phenomenal half price reduction on their already very good prices for September.  I intend to buy at least 10 million page views of the Outreach Site front page.  Of course this costs money and I can do more if more funds come in.


Douglas Becker said...

He doesn't need money for advertising when he has us.

Besides, there will be plenty of opportunity, what with war after war after war.

He will advertise, people will look, people will see how daft it is and people will move on.

A few of them, anyway.

Very few.

Byker Bob said...

Surprise, surprise!


Assistant Deacon said...

Of course, this is in the nature of fulfilling our commission...and is not expected to gain any converts at this time.

Cop. Out.

I love that he goes on to theorize that God inspired an advertising syndicate to offer him a price reduction.

Who listens to this nonsense? Laughable.

Anonymous said...

I was googling Malm's collection of websites, and the search engine found a back page containing the good apostle's advertising plan. Thankfully I copied it, because when I went back to get the link, the page was *gone*! I made a couple of editorial annotations in parentheses (sorry), but other than that, I have reproduced it here for you word-for-word:

7 Step Apostolic Business Plan

Step 1: Beg for money. Find something to cite as a miraculous sign that The Great Almighty God of Israel has smiled down upon not only my current endeavor, but also my (masochistic) orthodox lifestyle.
("God has also inspired an advertising syndicate that I have used in the past, to extend to me a phenomenal half price reduction..." How do these guys always know everything God does? Why do these idiots always state their godhaunted guesswork as though it were scientifically established fact? Why does no one ever question the truth or validity of such asinine statements? Robotic followers of these chumps must also believe their apostles never get wet and always know when not to take an umbrella because the weatherman is full of $#!%. Also, in the advertising market 50% off the list price for advertising space is standard operating procedure, and probably not an indication of Zeus' approval.)

Step 2: Say "Of course, not expected to gain any converts at this time."
(Good thing he at least told everyone before they donated their money that it was earmarked for flushing down the toilet.)

Step 3: Spend other people's money on advertising.
(Depress handle...)

Step 4: *Nobody cares*.

Step 5: Aaaaaaand it's gone!
(Maybe it's not all gone. Or at least maybe I didn't spend it all on what I said I was going to spend it on.)

Step 6: Measure results. Perform cost/benefit analysis.
(I bet he gets the same answer every time: *ZERO*. Didn't see that coming. Wait - but only if you subtract both the skimmed amounts and the personal benefits accruing thereof. That's off the books.)

Step 7: Say, "I could have done more if more funds had come in" to help keep their heads in the game for the next "building fund" scheme I come up with.
(Translation: "I could have bought more of those gallon-sized bottles of Riunite that keep me back from the edge of that nervous breakdown. Good thing I'm single again and don't need any jewelry!")

(Step 8: Repeat the 7 holy steps. Those fools...)

Anonymous said...

This Malm guy seems to have that special "it" quality! When's he going to snag the now abandoned "WCG" moniker and take it to a whole new level? He doesn't happen to have a son who looks good in a suit by any chance, does he?