Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Apostle Malm: Deleaven Your Windows and Tub Last...Oh, and Matzo's Are White Poison...



You never know whats going to come out of apostle Malm anymore.  He seems to hate everything. Everything in the world has some evil connotation.

Even matzo's symbolize evil in his sight.  I bet you never knew that matzo's were "white poison."

Oh, and when you deleaven your house from the attic to the basement, make sure to deleaven your windows and tub last......
An acolyte asks:
Leavening can be anywhere. That’s why I deleaven everywhere.
But would not a “white bread” matzoh be a symbol of purity – as Jesus was the pure spotless lamb of God?
 The apostle responds
The matzoth is a symbol of False purity, as it is a white poison devoid of nutrients. Yes deleaven everywhere and leave cleaning windows bathtubs etc till last. James

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

A good example of how people tend to go off on tangents.

Anonymous said...

James 6:1 The matzoth shall be unto thee a symbol of false purity, as it is a white poison devoid of nutrients.

James 6:2 Yea verily, deleaven everywhere and leave cleaning windows, bathtubs, etc., till last.

Anonymous said...

BWAAHHH!...lol

Anonymous said...

The COGs have always majored in the minors. So much emphasis is on the externals; so seldom are there messages on the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Focusing on the externals is easier to do than actually looking inside yourself and changing from within. White washed tombs?

G.G. said...

While worrying about bread crumbs, children died (suicide) within the WCOG, probably in part due to the, harsh, cruel child-rearing practices and being cut off from normal people in their families and society. Sheer idiocy! G.G.

Lurker said...

Sorry, but Malm is right. Matzos are evil. Tried to feed them to the birds at the pond one time and even the seagulls wouldn't touch them.

Anonymous said...

UPDATE-

Malm decided he didn't have enough scrubbing bubbles to clean his tub, so he decided to drive it to a sinner's house and park it there til the DOUB was over.

However, one of his acolytes ALSO had the same idea, and they crashed into each other at the intersection of the Herbie Highway and Bullshit Boulevard!

Last I heard, they were waiting for the Sheriff of Rubberduckysville to arrive and sort out the whole sordid mess.

Head Usher said...

Who deleavens their window panes? Bathtub? In all my years in COGdom I never deleavened the bathtub.

What about the air? When is he going to begin marketing the deleavening HEPA air purifier. Guaranteed to deleaven all the air in your house.

Steve Kisack said...

Why is there leaven in his bathtub? What's he doin' in there?

Joe Moeller said...

I dont care what Malm says. EGG & ONION matzo
RULE!

So in honor of Malm, I will sing this little ditty every time I have a Matzo during the upcoming DUB season...

(Sing to the tune of "Macho Man" by the Village People, with your hips swinging!) ...

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Matzo, matzo man (matzo man)
I've got to be, a matzo man
Matzo, matzo man
I've got to have a matzo! Ow....

Joe Moeller
Cody, WY

Byker Bob said...

Why how totally Laodecean of Malm! Clearly he doesn't go far enough!!!

Better have the exterminators tent your house! Roaches, insects, and rodents may have eaten leavening throughout the year, and could have some of it stashed or be carrying it around in their systems.

Also, set up an air purification system. Your neighbors and passers by, to say nothing of low flying planes may be spreading leavening fumes throughout your living space. Come to think about it, you'd better not go to work during the DoUB, because you could be infected with these fumes there!

BB

Joe Moeller said...

My wife asks the following of Mr. Malm...

"What happens if a lady get a yeast infection during the DUB or just before the DUB? Does she have to go to the landfill for the week along with the vacuum cleaner bag?"

Inquiring minds need to know!

Joe Moeller
Cody, WY

Anonymous said...

Wow, Lunatic Malm puts even the most conservative and ultra-orthodox of the Jewish community, probably including the ancient first century Pharisees, to shame with his antiseptic, microscopic view of ritual-based righteousness. I'm sorry, James, But I'm going to have to insist on you posting a verified picture of your little ding-dong, you know, just to make sure it's been clipped properly and all, along with certified verification that your phylacteries are of the proper size and positioning.

Seriously, is this Malm character for real?

Corky said...

On the bright side, a certain imprisoned CoG ministurd might get put on bread and water and the bread is leavened!!!

Or, even better, everything is cooked in hog lard and lunch consists of ham on toast sandwiches...some things in life are free...

Velvet said...

"In all my years in COGdom I never deleavened the bathtub."

Neither did we.

Anonymous said...

The whole point of white porcelain is to be an antiseptic glazed surface, which is easy to clean and easy to see if it isn't. It is made so that germs cannot persist there without your knowledge. That's why toilets, sinks, and bathtubs are usually white porcelain. For anyone to believe and preach to others that glass window panes and white porcelain need to be ceremonially deleavened, that person needs his head examined.

Here is a guy who gets off on ceremonial symbolism so much that creates as much of it as he can, everywhere he can find to do so. He puts the pharisees to shame, and yet his righteousness does not exceed that of the pharisees. He certainly isn't aware that he's totally infected with the leaven of the pharisees. Is this guy trying to earn salvation or what?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of false purity, one of the earliest doctrines of Christianity was celibacy. Not just for the priesthood, for all women. So many women were doing it that the birth rate among Rome's upper class was threatened and the empire was in jeopardy. Christianity was started or manipulated by Judaism to destroy the European race so that Zionists could rule the world, which was to fulfill the promises to Abraham of world rule.

Later, Christianity led to the dark ages. It was all part of the plan to subjugate Europeans.

Today Zionists are at the forefront of multiculturalism, feminism, Hollywood, and numerous other social evils destroying the West.

And the COGs love Israel!

Anonymous said...

"Not just for the priesthood, for all women."

What a ridiculous claim. Obviously you made this up because you haven't even thought it through enough to realize that claiming all women have to be celibate is to claim that all men have to celibate too, since there isn't a third gender.

"Christianity was started or manipulated by Judaism to destroy the European race so that Zionists could rule the world..."

Which is why christian polemics has led to 1,700 years of anti-semitism and pogroms. Europeans? Who are you? A neo-Nazi? Your zany conspiracy theories go downhill from here.

This doesn't even constitute conversation. Anti-semitism is in bad taste. There are other places like Above Top Secret you can go to where they'll indulge and fuel these kinds of juvenile fantasies. Don't forget about the alien bases on the far side of the moon!!!

Anonymous said...

Plasma Dude? Is that you?

Anonymous said...

Made it up? Made it up? Ha ha ha!

Research Thecla.

Anonymous said...

"Anti-semitism is in bad taste."

Boy are you mixed up. A real semite is a Palestinian not a Jew. The Israelis are the antisemites because they persecute Palestinians.

Further, some people fail to recognize the vast difference between the many divisions in early Christianity (30 AD to 300 AD) and the official Church of the last 1700 years.

Europe was saved by rejecting certain early Christian traditions like celibacy and "thou shalt not kill". A new type of Christian church emerged, which was purged of some of its suicidal notions like celibacy and not defending yourself.

Anonymous said...

"Don't forget about the alien bases on the far side of the moon!!!"

Straw-man argument.

"Above Top Secret"

Thanks for the tip, I'll have to check it out and get back to ya.

Anonymous said...

"Boy are you mixed up. A real semite is a Palestinian not a Jew. The Israelis are the antisemites because they persecute Palestinians."

Ignorance is not becoming. Neither is discrimination based on race or ethnicity.

Palestinians are Jordanian refugees. They are Arabs and/or their descendants who were living on the wrong side of the river in 1948. Semitic is not really an accurate term, as all people who are neither black, brown, or Asian are Semitic, but for some reason, that's the term people have been using for a long time. But you're wrong when you say Jews are not Semites. Both Arabs and Jews are Semitic peoples. Neither one can be anti-Semitic without being against their own selves and their own people.

Why is this ground you feel is worth the potential flaming to bother treading on in any event?

This is not a conspiracy theory website, and I doubt you'll find any warmer reception to this conspiracy theory than was afforded the plasma cosmology conspiracy theory, even if no one feels compelled to flame you for your racist comments, which you richly deserve, btw. For all your conspiracy theory needs, please visit www.abovetopsecret.com.

Byker Bob said...

Remember, there are people who create characters, and deliberately prank us by taking on unpopular, or ridiculous, or unsupportable views, just to create a reaction. Usually if you ignore them they go away.

A couple months ago, someone likened Armstrong theory-embracers (ostriches) to the holocauset deniers, and lo and behold! Suddenly, from out of nowhere and sensing an opportunity for malignant manipulation, an anonymous holocaust denier appears on the scene. Don't make the mistake of treating him, her, or it as if they are real!

BB

Velvet said...

"Remember, there are people who create characters, and deliberately prank us by taking on unpopular, or ridiculous, or unsupportable views, just to create a reaction."

Yeah, don't forget the "open secret" that Anonymous on AW, whenever they were commenting with a particularly self-righteousness-fuelled "CoGer remark" was, more often than not, a cadre of a few regulars (of which I was one) who were being somewhat satirical...but not really.

No idea who/what is twigging with this stuff, though. Dude! Change your troll plan! You're not even entertaining.....

Anonymous said...

I used to think all conspiracy theorists were kooks. Then I started reading about it, perhaps just to prove them wrong. Turns out a lot of what they say is irrefutable and easy to prove. And a lot of the truly kooky stuff is inserted by their opponents to make sure nobody takes them seriously.

Velvet said...

So, riddle me this, Conspiracy Anon:

Since all of the world's governments, religions, rulers, and other systems both economic and otherwise, are all going to come to nothing...WHAT IS THE POINT of twisting your head up like a pretzel over what they are doing in the here and now?

God will sort it out! Why are you obsessing over it? That was one answer the conspiracy wackos in the Church never could give me.....

Leonardo said...

We are in total agreement on that particular point, Velvet. Conspiracists can't give you an answer to your question because they don't have one, at least those associated with the COG.

Unfortunately, I know many folks who were very good friends at one time back in my WCG days, and yet who now have driven themselves virtually NUTS obsessing over the New World Order, the Federal Reserve, black helicopters, all the alleged Zionist conspiracies, the ever-popular JFK assassination, alien visitations, Grays and Reptilians, and all the other thousands of weird and wacky things conspiracy buffs think up to continually keep their "panties in a wad" and keep drawing the gullible to their websites.

It's really tragic. But I think one reason church folks tend to gravitate toward this nonsense is because it gives them yet another field of endeavor to have "secret" knowledge the rest of the world is presumably ignorant of. This can be a considerable point of vanity, and thus quite a draw for certain personality types. I've talked with many hard-core conspiracists, both on-line and in person, and have found that the vast majority of them are very poorly educated in general, terrible writers (as most of their websites are absolute disaster zones of poorly constructed and misspelled English), and especially lacking in a sound knowledge of history and legitimate historical method.

Their "research" is often astoundingly shallow and easily refuted. But they keep at it year after year after year!

Leonardo said...

Oh, and if you're interested in learning more about this wacky world - because as the western world, especially America, is getting dumber and less educated it is growing - an excellent book that analyzes the underlying ideology and "methods" of conspiracists is the following:

http://www.amazon.com/Among-Truthers-Americas-Conspiracist-Underground/dp/0062004816/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363661969&sr=1-1&keywords=among+the+truthers

Velvet said...

"But I think one reason church folks tend to gravitate toward this nonsense is because it gives them yet another field of endeavor to have "secret" knowledge the rest of the world is presumably ignorant of."

Actually, that might go a long way towards explaining why some of the Evangelicals in the Church are so wrapped up in QuackWatch-worthy "alternative health" therapies/scams, Leo.

I personally agree with what the Church taught when I was growing up; if you're aiming for a particular "rank" in the Kingdom, or if you think you elevate yourself in your own mind above others just because you're called, then you'll be "sweeping sidewalks in the Kingdom!" It's not about that at all!

Not that the Church didn't focus an unhealthy amount on that, I think they did. But there's no changing what happened in the past; the only thing each of us as individuals CAN change, going forward, is what we, ourselves, do in the future.

Er. If you believe in free will, that is. I realize there are both professing Christians and atheists who don't.....