Saturday, July 8, 2017

Why Psychopaths in the Church of God Can't Love their Children



There have been many great discussions on various COG Facebook pages from people where were abused by parents and ministers as they grew up.  With so many narcissists and psychopaths in leadership positions of various COG's it has lead to some horrendous stories being revealed, particularly by children of psychopath parents in the church, whether members or ministers.


Here's Why Psychopaths Are Unable to Love Their Own Children

The effects are devastating.
by Lindsay Dodgson
 
"Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths do not have a sense of empathy, they do not and will not develop a sense of empathy, so they can never really love anyone," she told Business Insider.
This doesn't change when they have children. There's no primal instinct to protect and encourage their offspring, because they are not seen as a separate entity. They are merely a tool which is at their disposal.
"DTPs tend to see children as an extension of themselves and a possession," Neo said.
"So rather than saying, 'I'm going to nurture you so you can grow up to be the amazing person you're meant to be,' [they say] 'you're supposed to grow up and do this so that you're my trophy.'"
This is very different from the environment a child in a healthy family would grow up in. Instead of being nurtured and taught the ways of the world, a child of a DTP parent grows up not knowing their own sense of self.
"'I can check your phone, I can do anything I want to do, I can just barge into your room, basically not respecting your sense of property,'" is what Neo said DTP personalities believe.
"There are no emotional boundaries, either. So the children grow up not really sure about what boundaries are."
The child is expected to fill all kinds of functions they shouldn't have to. For example, narcissists tend to be very unhappy people, with low self esteem, so they unload a lot of unnecessary emotional baggage onto their children.
They are used as a listening ear for the parent's problems, and a source of emotional comfort.
This continues over the years, and Neo says some of her clients have said their parents told them: "The only reason I had you was so you could take care of me for the rest of your life."
"You're not allowed to have children, and you're not allowed to get married," she added. "The parent would be meddling in all these different relationships, left right and centre, creating all sorts of drama, so the child stays single."
'The child is expected to be a punching bag'
Throughout their life, the child is also expected to be a punching bag, either physically or emotionally. This becomes harder as the child grows older, because they become stronger and more aware, so the DTP parent will counteract this by hacking away at their self esteem.
"As the parents grows older, and their health starts to decline, their sense of self esteem becomes really shaky," Neo said.
"Then the child grows up, becomes strong, becomes powerful, has more of a sense of self, and it's very difficult for the parent to watch. So there becomes this unhealthy competition, putting the child down, telling the child they're fat, they're useless, they're ugly."
At the same time, whenever the child accomplishes something, the parent has to take credit for it.
For example, they would mention the fact the child is a very good trumpet player, and the only reason is because they scrimped and saved for lessons for years, even if this may not be true.
"Every single thing is always brought back to them," Neo said. "So the child is brought up thinking, 'I have no sense of self, I have no say, and I do not matter.'"
The 'golden child' vs. the scapegoat
The dynamics shift depending on how many children the DTP has.
Sometimes, DTPs will have more than one child, and Neo says it is remarkable how often the same power dynamics play out in these families. In most cases, one child becomes the golden child, who can do no wrong.
"The child can live in fear, because all they want to do is please mummy or daddy so there's no trouble - so they will be loved," Neo said. "So they get this reward and it's almost transactional."
Then the second child is used as a scapegoat, and is blamed for everything. So much so, that the DTP parent will enjoy playing the children off against each other, and create unnecessary competition.
If there is a third child, Neo says they become the "lost boy" or the "lost girl", who is neglected and more or less completely ignored.
"If you watch the families and see the traits of narcissistic parents, this is often what plays out," Neo said.
"Essentially, it's designed to keep the self esteem of the child low, so the child will always stay small and as a possession, and there's a lot of dictatorship over what a child can or cannot do because it's all about the parents' sense of self."

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds at lot like many PCG ministers.

Byker Bob said...

What really eats is that this messes you up with your parents, and it messes you up with your kids. You are caught in a sandwich! Unless your children find a spouse whose own healthy experiences can help break the cycle, it can go on, and on, and on.

God's church? I don't think so!

BB

Anonymous said...

Notice how Herb in many of his church articles called self esteem evil. Like all abusers, he understood its importance.

Angela Storey said...

Lack of love. It was such a huge problem. I remember nasty sermons on how selfish we all are and that babies are completely self centred. No appreciation of babies or little children and their vulnerability and need for care. Just a minister going on about them crying for what they want. It was so sick. Always going on about our having to give to the ministers and his bad it was for us to get. They did all the getting. If you came from a narc family you would put up with abuse in the church. The problem with coming from a narc family is that you will tend to marry someone from a dysfunctional family too. So many of us were scapegoats in the church while others were abusers and enablers I never want to be involved in anything like this again.

RSK said...

Its hard to read of anyone using their kids as "trophies" and not think of ministurds, I wont deny that.

Anonymous said...

3.00 AM
So true. Self interest and self profit were demonised in the church. But it was just rule rigging by the thieves in the church. It was the wolves talking to the lambs. And it was never 'selfish' for those who received the free stuff. It was only 'selfish' if people claimed ownership of what they worked hard for.
This was a moral code:
Of the crooks
By the crooks
For the crooks.
The gaol? A paradise for crooks. The paradise for crooks church.

Connie Schmidt said...

Please forward post to Stephen Flurry and the Meredith Boys.

DennisCDiehl said...

Many "accepted" the negative and loveless parenting paradigm because it was seeminly connected to the mind of God and we all wanted to have the mind of God on these important matters. Children don't fare so well in scripture and always seem like second thoughts and bit parts in stories, to be used and abused. The NT has no family interactions, no parenting apostles and no children to speak of that aren't demon possessed, sick or in need of being resurrected. The BOOK, I will say all the days left in my life, is the problem and can be used by those already ill equipt to good parenting to keep the problem alive and not become a better one.

The Book of Proverbs contributes to this loveless child abusing mentality and is often quoted as if it knew how to love a child into life.

Common sense well used should make us realize these things if not before mistakes are made, certainly after in time to correct them. Often, of course, it is too late as childhood is such a short time in passing.

Connie Schmidt said...

Not trying to "whitewash" GTA, but what kind of mental state did he have after growing up in a household of religious hypocrisy, incest and sociopathy? A confused one for sure.

Byker Bob said...

I've often said that GTA was just as much a victim of his father as were all of us. It was a complex situation for him. Behavioral scientists have noted that in a certain statistically predictable percentage of cases, a victim turns and becomes exactly the type of predator that had originally victimized him. And, yet, I'm not entirely sure that even that totally explains GTA.

One time, when my mind was in such a mess, as I was mentally facing the inevitable fact that I was going to need to leave WCG, I was getting out of my car at work, when GTA suddenly walked through the parking lot. I thought for a moment of walking up to him and saying "Please help me. I am horribly sick." And then it occurred to me that he probably had the very same "sickness" considering the fact that he had been in and out of the church himself over the past months, and would probably have been the last one with whom to consult. (Marion McNair's book confirms this).

Shortly thereafter, AC Press was sold, the new company retained the employees, so I was at least able to leave without losing my job, and I was able to begin the process of re-examination, asking my own questions (not the spoon-fed ones), and finding better answers and more satisfying solutions.

Unfortunately, when you undergo such a warping experience as Armstrongism, you are always going to be left with what I call "dead spots". You can make your best efforts, but those spots just won't heal in this lifetime.

BB

Anonymous said...

Don't be conned with GTA being his dad's victim. I remember vividly as a child hearing garner Ted go on and on in a sermon, complaining about the church youth. He kept complaining they weren't well mannered and how they should say yesssss and not yeah or yer in their speech. He was real nit picking about the church children. I was only a child but thought then what's wrong with him. He wasn't nice guy GTA in that sermon that's for sure.

Stephen Schley said...

Thanks again BB for giving words to what I think & feel :)

Having multiple health problems I've never had true friends since I moved to my current state 32 yrs ago so like the few I had growing up I'm a bully &,user, but I'm trying to change but I know I'll need a pro to do it . thx Y'all for listening :)

Anonymous said...

I had always noticed that ministers children were smart ass little shits. Just what I observed.

Anonymous said...

As I grew into adulthood, I said to my sister many times that our mother should have had 1 kid and done him right, than to have 4 kids and screw us all up. She never showed us real affection, she'd slap our butts and call them "love taps." We were non entities, chattel, property, thanks to the teachings of the WCG. What's truly screwed up is that not having any real affection in my life, I married way too young to the wrong guy, had kids that I never hugged enough. This rips me apart every day. Luckily, my kids have proved that history does not have to repeat itself, they are all loving, encouraging parents today. The BIG plus, they all left the church after high school

Angela Storey said...

Herbert replaced the gospel of love with the gospel of give and get. He did all the getting and we did all the giving. He then replaced the gospel of the family that God the father wanted to the authoritarian government of God which was government as the Gentiles do it. Herbert misrepresented God while teaching many true doctrines. This has been a recipe for disaster. We had a loveless nasty church with authoritarianism and exclusivity. Yes there was knowledge but a lack of love. Knowledge puffs up and we've seen the proof of that. Love and commandment keeping are both needed. Empathy is probably the closest word we have in our current vernacular for what we need. How hard is it to have this?

Anonymous said...

In LCG, you can never be sure when an ordinary and wholesome family activity will cause the ministry to persecute you.

That infamous "toga party" that was used to drive Patrick and Elizabeth Scarborough out of LCG? Remember that there were other Charlotte bigwigs at the party, who escaped persecution because of their friendship with Rod McNair:

Charles and Catherine Ogwyn and daughter

Jerry Ruddlesden and son

How can you have a normal home life in an environment where you can be disfellowshipped for dressing as some people did in Jesus's day, yet you can stay in the church if you have the right connections and indulge in child molestation or homosexual conduct?

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:21 is poorly worded. It should be made clear that the LCG bigwigs involved in homosexuality or child molestation are not pictured above. LCG's homosexuals and child molesters haven't had parties dressed as ancient Romans, so LCG is willing to tolerate their conduct.