Crackpot Prophet Receives New Validation That He Is A Prophet!

 

Behold! God's absolutely most pivotal prophet to ever grace a Church of God in the entire, mind-blowing history of the church has just scored some shiny new "validation" that he truly, undeniably IS a prophet—and apparently, we're all supposed to bow down and acknowledge this earth-shattering fact. Because, you know, never since those ancient prophets of old strutted around has the church so desperately needed a visionary like Bob... even though he's never uttered a single prophetic word since his adorable little rebellion-fueled startup crashed into COG culture like a divine tantrum.

To prop up his overwhelming awesomeness, he's had to lean on the dreams and visions of a handful of his starry-eyed followers for "validation." These oh-so-convincing endorsements trickled in from both men and women, courtesy of God Himself dropping by in visions just to make poor Bob feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And the latest gem of validation? It hails from one of his fresh converts in Brazil, whom he graciously baptized last summer. While Bwana Bob's African flock humbly begs for mere pocket change, this bold newcomer kicks things off by asking for money AND a car. How refreshingly modest!

Good afternoon, Pastor Bob. Here’s a report from the Feast of Tabernacles in southern Brazil. There were 47 brothers and sisters gathered. We listened to all the messages you preached. We found a translator here. It was very edifying. We opened three more study groups in three cities. I urgently need a car to assist the new brothers. This week, three more Protestant pastors joined the Continuing Church of God: Jhonatha and his wife, Gustavo, Dvi and his wife and children, Jairo and his family. Pastor Bob: We are amazed by the sermons you preached…

Bwana Bob's "message" is just so overwhelmingly powerful that a whopping THREE Protestant pastors instantly glimpsed the divine light of God the very second they heard his majestic voice boom—and poof! They ditched everything to convert to the hilariously misnamed "continuing" Church of God. This totally doesn't sound exactly like those Mormon tall tales where Protestant pastors supposedly flipped after hearing Joseph Smith's wild claims. Not at all suspicious!

Sadly—oh, so tragically—this also "proves" that these so-called ministers had zero real Biblical grounding in the scriptures, since they'd so pathetically easily switch sides to follow a phony teacher straight out of America!
Bwana Bob's acolyte continues:

Pastor Bob: I want to dedicate my life to serving the Continuing Church of God in Brazil… 

I am at your disposal. PROPHET BOB: GOD SHOWED ME THAT YOU ARE AN ANOINTED ONE OF THESE LAST DAYS OF THE CHURCH OF GOD ON EARTH. TODAY, TWO MORE PASTORS HAVE ALREADY JOINED THE CONTINUING CHURCH OF GOD WITH 30 PEOPLE EACH. PASTOR DAVI DE JESUS ALTAMIRA PARÁ, PASTOR ANTONIO IN TUCURUÍ The Living Church of God always sends me messages to work with them, but I always talk to Pastor Bob, and it’s over…

And get this: this guy still gets stuff from the Living Church of God which apaprenlty he uses, but the moment those hapless pastors caught wind of Bwana Bob's utterly "amazing" voice, they converted on the spot! Because as soon as anyone hears the spellbinding voice of Bwana Bob, IT IS OVER—game, set, match, no questions asked!

Oh, and send me some money, too!

Pastor Bob, the prophetic mantle of the last days is upon you. Don’t be discouraged. We here in Brazil are with you… Pastor Bob, one more thing. We filed the application for church registration here in Brazil. It was approved, but with Donald Trump’s high prices, they’re asking for an additional R$4,500 to release the CNPJ (National Registry of Legal Entities) and the Statute of the Continuing Church of God in Brazil. Help us because the Brazilian government won’t allow American churches to operate without registration here. Prophet Bob, today I also started studying English to better serve the Continuing Church of God in Brazil and translate some books into Portuguese. We are also waiting for you HERE IN SOUTHERN PARÁ, BRAZIL.