Enter Samuel Kitchen, the one-man army tirelessly marching in defense of his hero, HWA. Some readers get rather testy and wonder why anyone bothers giving these raving lunatics any airtime. The answer is simple: these characters are the current face of Armstrongism.
Case in point: Samuel Kitchen is currently galavanting around Italy after Satan himself thwarted his grand desire to be in Jordan for the Days of Unleavened Bread. In classic Armstrongist fashion, Satan emerges as the most powerful entity in their theology—capable of derailing God's plans, blocking the return of Jesus, and generally making a nuisance of himself on a cosmic scale.
Undeterred by this satanic travel disruption, Kitchen has been busy revealing even more profound insights. He now claims a direct lineage back to Joseph of Arimathea, the great-uncle of Jesus Christ on His mother's side. Apparently this ancient bloodline (combined with the Hebrew origins of the "Kitchen" family name) makes him special and sets him apart for some magnificent work that no one else can accomplish—work that will most certainly not be revived by him.
In his own words (lightly edited for clarity while preserving the spirit):
Jesus Christ said in Matthew 5:14-16: ‘Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.’So we see in Zechariah 4 a candlestick, and in Zechariah 5 a bushel, or basket. Remember, in Zechariah 1, the spirit of Satan and his demons made it possible that no man may lift up his head! That is, to place the light under a basket!Those doing the work of God stood up and let their light shine before men, and lifted up Jesus Christ by placing the light on a candlestick! The Worldwide Church of God! It is to glorify God! That is why I made mention of purchasing the Ambassador Auditorium—to glorify God! To place our light on the candlestick, not under a basket!Now remember, Satan is wicked. And Satan is cast out (Zechariah 3:2), just as those four horns are frayed and cast out (Zechariah 1:21), just as Satan is cast out of heaven (Rev. 12:9). This ephah in Zechariah 5 has wickedness cast into it! Now remember the ephah is the worldwide curse! So Satan or wickedness is cast forth into the world. And Babylon rises up!Those of the Church who are cast out are cast out to the outer court of the Temple, to be trampled by the gentile government of Satan during the tribulation! That is the woman in the ephah—those who decided to put the light of Christ under a bushel! Into some other group! Or into their own household.So Zechariah 5 is describing the destruction of these COG groups and their implication with helping Babylon, and the preserving of God’s Philadelphia elect, who place their light on the Philadelphia candlesticks—which is the Worldwide Church of God—rather than stifle God’s Holy Spirit by joining one of these groups who have falsely sworn by His name and who have stolen from the House of God...Why am I in Rome? I have been sent to the nations who have spoiled this Church! And I am the only one declaring to the COG groups to REPENT AND COME OUT OF HER, and to be the Worldwide Church of God! Jesus Christ is restoring the Worldwide Church of God! Behold the Branch! Behold the Chief Cornerstone, Jesus Christ!
Kitchen further identifies himself with the biblical figure Sheshbazzar (whom he equates with Zerubbabel), the man tasked with returning the temple vessels and laying the foundation of God's house. He ties this neatly to his own supposed descent from Joseph of Arimathea and positions himself as the modern-day restorer:
Who is this Sheshbazzar? ... So Zerubbabel is Sheshbazzar! ...The ‘Kitchen’ family name is actually Hebrew. I can trace my lineage back to Joseph of Arimathea, who is the great uncle of Jesus Christ on His mother’s side. The house of HEN.
Like every good Church of God false leader before him, Kitchen wastes no time setting himself up as the latest Zerubbabel. Never has a religious movement had so many self-appointed Zerubbabels running around. Who needs just one when you can have hundreds? Clearly God is powerless without this endless parade of divinely appointed dupes.
But the revelations don't stop there. Kitchen has also been divinely commissioned to witness against the Great Whore of Babylon—the very entity he claims had Herbert W. Armstrong murdered to clear the way for the "man of sin." From his perch in Italy, the "land of the north" where the Daughter of Babylon (Rome) resides, he declares:
So now I am in Italy... The Daughter of Babylon is up in Rome. And God has sent me to this nation. Notice Zechariah 2:8-9: ‘For thus saith the Lord of hosts; After the glory hath he sent me unto the nations which spoiled you...’ This is the entire prophecy of Revelation against Mystery Babylon the Great! Who touched the saints of God? Who is drunken with the blood of the saints? Where did Paul die?God is saying this nation spoiled the Church. Scattered them, so that our HEAD could not be lifted up and therefore surpass their vicar! That’s why Herbert W. Armstrong died! To get him out of the way so the man of Sin could stand up! But we are standing up lifting up our Head, the Chief Cornerstone, Jesus Christ...
In the grand theater of Armstrongism, Samuel Kitchen’s Italian adventure stands as a masterpiece of delusional grandeur: a self-proclaimed descendant of Jesus’ great-uncle, battling an omnipotent Satan in Rome, while single-handedly restoring the “true” Worldwide Church of God that nobody else seems to want. One can only marvel at the sheer audacity—claiming royal Hebrew blood, accusing the Catholic Church of assassinating HWA, and positioning himself as the lone voice crying “come out of her” while wandering around Europe like a budget-rate Zerubbabel on a divine sightseeing tour.
The brutal truth is this: if this is what “God’s restored work” looks like in 2026, then Herbert Armstrong didn’t just build a church—he accidentally invented the world’s most efficient lunatic factory. Congratulations, gentlemen. You’ve taken one aging narcissist’s vanity project and turned it into a clown car stuffed with dozens of competing Zerubbabels, each more unhinged than the last. The light they claim to shine so brightly doesn’t illuminate God’s truth; it merely exposes how thoroughly the whole pathetic enterprise has rotted from the head down. Keep marching, Samuel. Somewhere out there, Satan is still laughing.
The name Kitchen is not Hebrew. It is of West German orgin, derived from old English. Mitbach is kitchen in Hebrew. And has no relationship with the name Kitchen. Sorry Samuel, nice try. Plenty of solid info available online about the Kitchen name. Get a DNA test Samuel.
ReplyDeleteKitchen predates old English usage.
DeleteMy lineage can be traced back into Scotland, back to Siward Bjourn, then on back to Joseph of Arimathea, on back to the House of David.
Kit is Greek in origin, while Hen is Hebrew.
Kit means “supporter of Christ”. While Hen means Grace in Hebrew.
Herbert W Armstrong’s lineage goes back to this same family line. Siward Bjourn was surnamed the first “Armstrong”. And the Armstrong line branched out.
Also I can trace my lineage through the High Kings of Ireland, back to Judah as well. They meet with Tia Tephi.
Also my mother’s lineage goes back to Baruch, the companion of Jeremiah.
I can trace back to the Kohanim both sides of my family.
While Zechariah 6, says Josiah-Hen as describing this Levitical family, once disciples of Christ, they changed their descriptor to “Christ”, and became Christ-hen.
If you were Hebrew, you’d read from right to left. To the Jew first, Hen, then Greek Christos.
When the people of the Church of God came to Britannica, they built an abbey after buying seven hides of land. There at Scone Abbey lies the oldest inscription there which says on a headstone “Church of God”.
Eventually this was taken over by Catholic Monks, after the great library there was burned down. And being rebuilt it became Scone Abbey.
The membership of the Church of God was a trustworthy people, not give to poisoning food, so the kings and nobles looked to them for food preparation.
The room used for preparation became known as the Kitchen, because of this.
Also, the people who prepared food were also known as cooks(which in Gaelic tongue means son of David), and the term for “cook” as bent the preparer of food came from this trustworthy family.
This how the new English got the names. But it does predate it.
History is fascinating.
DNA test only studies groups of dna gathered among current living humans. It is stipulated flawed and simply is used to rewrite history. If a chalk line was snapped across time, there is no dna to hold the line centuries ago, so the DNA testing would only be for today, and studying current dna groups. Plus I don’t give my dna to become products to anyone. They don’t own my dna.
DeleteStupid sheep. You’d give your left nut, and ownership of your dna over to the medical system of Baal, before you believe God.
Hey Sammy, I can trace my lineage back to Adam.
DeleteTank
Herb "accidentally invented the world’s most efficient lunatic factory."
ReplyDeleteI don't believe it was by accident. Herb had a eleven year religious apprenticeship in the COG7 during which he learnt how to play dirty. Being a master plagiarist, he stole every 'good' evil ploy from other denominations that he could lay his hands on. Like all narcissists, he would have tweaked these ploys, but I wouldn't honor him by calling him an inventor.
It was not the church of God, it was the church of Herbert. Now we have the church of Sam. God has nothing to do with any church.
ReplyDeleteBalaam's mule had more wisdom!
ReplyDeleteIt seems as if most of the Worldwide spin offs are cursed by the idolatry that was set up by self worship of HWA and many of its leadership in Worldwide back in its heyday and as most of the groups seem to wither down to irrelevance,, they continue to split and bicker, spreading a tired narrative that expired after 1975. Flurry's cult is basically trying to prop itself up as Gerald fades off and his henchmen try to position themselves for a power grab when he passes. I doubt that he will he make it to his condo in Adullam
ReplyDeleteVery interesting, but ultimately bloodlines are irrelevant. 23 & me says I'm decended from Niall of the nine hostages, but then, so is half of Europe. In Christ, my ancestry is irrelevant.
ReplyDeleteThe Bible clearly tells us that we are all one in Christ, regardless of DNA, neither Jew nor Greek. So who cares if your ancestry is more flashy than mine?
DeleteYou have to give Mr. Kitchens kudos for his creativity. He almost rivals HWA in this regard. His down fall is, he lacks the one thing that can make or break his narrative: POWER!
ReplyDeleteWhen God wants something done, He will supply His servants the power to accomplish their mission (see Revelation 11:3-6). Kitchens can ramble all he wants, but lacking real power is evidence and a clear sign God is not backing up his foolish claims. Wishful thinking and self importance lives on!
Worldwide, most Christian denominations, and especially cults are haemorrhaging members. It use to be that people would join one of these groups, and often after many years discover their true evil nature. This created a high churn rate, but still retained overall numbers. The Internet hit this on the head. Potential members can now straight away see behind their Pharisaic masks. Herb, even in his prime wouldn't have been able to surmount this.
DeleteHe would have remained a Mickey Mouse minister in a Mickey Mouse church.
April 6, 2026 at 8:50:33
DeleteYou're spot on as in early days Herb could spin a lot of fancy words, surviving big prophetic failures and get away with weak teachings. . Now all his history and lies are exposed for all to see (if they want to see) and learning is vastly improved with all of the bible resources .
And that power you’re referring to is money in a post war economy. It wasn’t enough power to keep GTA in the woodworks, so the transition wouldn’t be apostasized. The man borrowed from other men and groups. He didn’t teach that the greatest power was love.
DeleteSamuel should consider that in his case KITCHEN shows an obvious etymological connection to kitsch.
ReplyDeleteIf God can work miracles, offer $7 for the auditorium. That should do it.
ReplyDeleteI have two severely mentally ill relatives, and based on my experiences with them, I think it's obvious Samuel Kitchens is mentally ill. His delusions of grandeur and paranoia are classic signs of several mental illnesses. My hunch is he's suffering from bipolar. I hope the sane/saner members of Clan Kitchen can get Sam into treatment before before he puts himself or others in danger.
ReplyDeleteAs Whitney Houston said, crack is whack.
ReplyDeleteYoung people have given up on Jesus. You are all old-timers.
ReplyDeleteThere's a chain of grocery stores in the Midwest called "Hen House." Perhaps he should research that next?!
ReplyDeleteBasically, Samuel has joined the Jimi Hendrix Watchtower Society. For him and others like him, life is but a joke. Theil, Cox, Pack, and Weinland are all fellow members.
ReplyDeleteI found Samuel Kitchens surname explanation interesting. No idea how you can trace beyond the 15th Century records but as i've visited Scone Palace that was interesting.
ReplyDeleteIf you keep the law, people hate you. You are proving that law-keeping is possible. It makes them feel guilty for rejecting the law.
ReplyDeleteThis is an Armstrongist myth pawned off on people. Scripture clearly states that no one can keep the entire law, or even the most basic points.
DeleteYou have never done it. No COG minister or leader ever has, including Herbert Armstrong.
Even the most devout Sabbath-keeping, kosher-eating, holyday-observing, tithe-paying person has never done it and never will in this lifetime. It is an impossibility.
I've never heard anyone claim to be keeping the ENTIRE law.
DeleteYou alwsys claim 'they say this, they say that, they think this, they think that'.
Dear Samuel,
ReplyDeleteHistory is fascinating - especially when it is based on reputable sources and scholarly work. I'm afraid that you have gone the Herbert Armstrong route with history - elevating myth and legend to the realm of certainty and fact.
As someone who has a verified descent from a gateway ancestor to English nobility (by a professional genealogist), I can tell you that royal genealogies are only considered reliable back to about the Seventh or Sixth Centuries of the Common Era. The truth is that kings and queens are the same degree of human as you and I, and they are subject to the same human nature which motivates us. In other words, these folks had a vested interest in formulating descents from the heroes and royalty of ancient times and embellishing their actual ancestry as much as possible (since their authority was based on their lineage).
Hence, it is absurd to claim that you are a descendant of King David, Joseph of Arimathea, the Kings of Troy, or Ramses the Great. Such descents are notoriously unreliable and are often based on complete fabrications. In short, there is no reliable way to establish a generational descent from these ancient people for any living person in 2026.
If you have a connection to one of these gateway ancestors, you should be proud of your connection to William the Conqueror or Charlemagne. That should be enough for anyone. You should be proud of your name (Samuel). He was, after all, a great prophet and judge of the Hebrews. In other words, if these actual connections aren't enough for you, people are justified in questioning your humility and seriousness as a person.
Tell me you have a genetic connection to Niall of the Nine Hostages, and I'll be impressed; but please don't come to me with myths and legends and expect me to be impressed! It should be enough for you that Jesus Christ sacrificed himself for your sins and mine, and that he has made you a child of God. If you must glory in something, please glory in that!
Lonnie
This reminds me of a video. Click on my name it should direct you to a YouTube short.
DeleteThank you Lonnie. Paul counted his background as but dung, that he could know and be found in Christ. There is neither Greek nor Jew, if we are of the faith that Abraham had we are his descendants. And he was accounted as righteous for he believed God, while as yet uncircumcised and before Sinai. As an Ashkenazi Jew myself, and with the history, verified, and DNA, and with family in Israel some who are in the Rabbinate, I might be able to boast, but not before God. We are called with a holy calling, not of works, but by His purpose and grace in Jesus Christ before time began. Without Christ we are lost and alone. If we glory, glory that we know Him. Cheers.
DeleteThank you Lonnie. Paul counted his background as but dung, that he could know and be found in Christ. There is neither Greek nor Jew, if we are of the faith that Abraham had we are his descendants. And he was accounted as righteous for he believed God, while as yet uncircumcised and before Sinai. As an Ashkenazi Jew myself, and with the history, verified, and DNA, and with family in Israel some who are in the Rabbinate, I might be able to boast, but not before God. We are called with a holy calling, not of works, but by His purpose and grace in Jesus Christ before time began. Without Christ we are lost and alone. If we glory, glory that we know Him. Cheers.
DeleteGreat words 2:23
DeleteJeremiah 9:23-24 Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, Let not the mighty man glory in his might, Nor let the rich man glory in his riches; But let him who glories glory in this, That he understands and knows Me, That I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these I delight,” says the Lord.
Paul had the right attitude, after he got a little help. 😅
He is using the tithes from his 10 or 20 members to go on overseas trips. Just like ministers such as Grant Chic has done in Perth. He chased away so many members then claims they are to blame! And goes on overseas trips all the time while the members suffer.
DeleteKitchen has been using tithes and offerings to go on a world trip!
ReplyDeleteAs I've mentioned on several prior occasions, the followers of Herbert W. Armstrong, and aspiring leaders/seekers of the man's " mantle", never repent of his sins. They consider these sins to be license. HWA used tirhes and offerings to go on world trips seeking out photo ops with the great and the near great. Tithes paid for a Jet, Steuben Crystal, and a prosthesis. Sam is, in the words of Hank Jr., simply hanging on to a "Family Tradition"!
DeleteBB
The Lord God of Herbert W Armstrong sent Mr Armstrong to meet with Kings, Queens, as Emperors and various heads of state.
DeleteTithes and offerings were gladly given by the faithful membership of the Worldwide Church of God to assist Mr Armstrong.
If no photo was taken, what would you call those visits? Other people took photos to record the meeting. Videos were also produced to make record of the meeting, and to record the message discussed.
Through such meetings, the people of God found favor in those countries and membership of the Worldwide Church of God grew in those countries.
Those included in the membership did it gladly, and did it with full joy.
There are two kinds of people in the world. Takers and givers.
A giver is happy to give. They love to give and they live to give. A taker comes along to take all he/she wants, and if they have to give they get mighty upset and offended!
We can know who are the takers by whines and complaints. They got all they could from the WCG, and now even fantasize about what they couldn’t take…like what Herbert Armstrong received and used to give glory to God.
You look at his “trips” with envy, because you are upset over what you couldn’t take away! Ha!
Like the song “family tradition” at least we are living out the song. Being true to ourselves and continuing as a giver in this world of takers.
A taker will get offended when a giver receives something. Like Cain…like Esau…offended because they could not GET what they wanted.
That spirit is a sinning spirit. Its very frame of mind is anti-God/anti-Christ. It’s the spirit of Satan not the mind of Christ!
You mention a prosthesis, in an attempt to slander Herbert Armstrong. Because a lia
Continued…Said those things? Perverts focus on the perverted things. I mean, you really have a sexual jealousy or something? It’s just sick dude.
DeleteI think I’m more like the Hang Williams Jr song “Dinosaur”. Should have died out a long time before.
So give me my hat, excuse me maam but where is the door?
Next time you condemn a sin, I guess it's fair game to accuse you of jealousy, too. Who's the pervert now?
DeleteDisgracefully, he has stolen other websites, uploaded them to his private members section and claimed God is restoring the WCG through him. He has broken the law as have others. For pity's sakes.
ReplyDeleteI tell you, I would not want to be in these men's shoes on judgement day. A price is going to be paid.
ReplyDeleteAnd there was me thinking the name "Kitchen" came from the room in a home where food was made, because his ancestors were Kitchen because they made lots of food.
ReplyDelete"accusing the Catholic Church of assassinating HWA" -- and I heard that it was Joseph Tkach who assassinated HWA.
ReplyDelete"The house of HEN" -- so appropriate for the Kitchens, making chicken dinners from chicken HENs.
ReplyDeleteI am surprised that Gerald Flurry didn't try to buy or obtain HWA'S prosthesis to add to his collection
ReplyDeleteGiven his quest for relics, he might well have. But how do you track that down?
DeleteHow is it that nobody in Armstrongism fesses up when they trace their ancestry back and inadvertently discover that they are descended from Simon Magus, Nimrod, Korah, Alexander the Coppersmith, or Annanias and Saphirah. Everyone was descended from one of the pivotal patriarchs, or prophets it seems. Oh well, they ignore the laws of probability in so many other ways, so why not in ancestry? Yeah.
ReplyDelete