Faith Without Anxiety is Dead
To write or not to write? That is the
question. I find myself in a bit of a quandary over whether to address
this topic of post-WCG anxiety. I strongly suspect it to be a great
part of the experience that many have when leaving the comfortable
confines of friends, church and the comfort one gets from knowing how
all of life will turn out for you. I could have never imagined the existential anxiety that is generated from the loss of religious
belief and faith. I do now.
Evidently, I did not invent this.
Lynn Min
"Spirituality can make a significant difference in sufferers of anxiety. There exist numerous studies indicating that religious people are less likely to become anxious than their nonreligious counterparts.
In 1993, researcher Harold Koenig studied the relationship between religious involvement and anxiety in 2,969 individuals. He found that young and middle-aged individuals who attended church at least once a week were significantly less likely to have anxiety-related disorders than those who did not attend church regularly. Devotional activities such as prayer and Bible study were associated with lower incidence of agoraphobia and other forms of anxiety. Regular church attendance was also correlated with lower levels of anxiety.
Anxiety can be viewed holistically. Their beginnings manifestations are not simply psychological, physiological, or social. It is the interaction of all of the above, plus the spiritual. Consider the following example of the spiritual component of anxiety. Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl pointed out the type of anxiety which follows from the belief that one's life has lost its meaning. In other words, if I begin to believe that my life is without purpose, the result can be anxiety. While the resulting anxiety is coined a psychological disorder, the root of it lies in the deep spiritual search for life’s meaning. "
I am writing this
while having yet another round of the anxiety that seems a genuine
tendency for me personally as a result of the loss of faith, friends and
fellowship along the way. I could be smarter perhaps and keep it to
myself and just get through, but what is the use of a common experience
if you don't share it. I am quite able to blow off the advice I know is
out there to "come back to Jesus," or "you're problem is...." I
cannot help how I feel nor can I help the conclusions I have drawn, for
now, over this entire WCG fiasco.
My only choice seems to be does it dominate the rest of my life, or can I find a safe place to file it all away as just another experience meant to teach and take one further on a more genuine life journey? The impression of being stuck has hurt personal relationships and probably contributed to the loss of friends and contact. I also can't seem to help that as stuck is stuck and it would probably be obvious when unstuck has become the norm again.
My only choice seems to be does it dominate the rest of my life, or can I find a safe place to file it all away as just another experience meant to teach and take one further on a more genuine life journey? The impression of being stuck has hurt personal relationships and probably contributed to the loss of friends and contact. I also can't seem to help that as stuck is stuck and it would probably be obvious when unstuck has become the norm again.
I find I don't
find comfort in teachings I doubt or in history that is not presented as
it really was or is. I am not inspired by those who are so sure the
Bible is without errors or contradictions knowing they refuse to even
look at what the problems might be. That behavior, common in the COG
perspectives , simply does not work for me. I know how COG ministers
think and I know how little study outside the acceptable box they do. I
also know current COG ministers and frankly, a number of other minister
types who freely admit, to me, their skepticism and realizations, but
you would not know it when you hear them preach or write. I have heard
the phrase "I know that is true, but I will lose my job," more than once
from these men. There are two of them, the one inside and the one
they show, and their church only sees the one they present to them.
They also seem much less inclined toward anxiety living in two worlds
instead of picking one. Something does not have to be true either
literally or at all to keep the beast of anxiety at bay. All it takes
in belief that it is so, even it it isn't.
For example, I
have always had a problem with prayer. Oh I know the should's and
must's of it all, but it was always difficult for me. I always had a
sneaking suspicion that I was just talking to myself. I did a lot of it
though. But then I realized how sincere the prayers of the people of
faith are when they find themselves in harms way and beg God to save
them and they die some horrible death. I wonder what a Christian in
Somalia feels when they get a gasoline filled tire hung around their
neck and they know what's coming or have to dig their own grave while
soaking in gasoline. I know they are begging God to help them and there
is no help coming...ever. I have buried a lot of children who inspite
of "Their Angels do always watch over them," are quite dead and no Angel
showed up in time. Then I think how stupid my asking for a calm spirit
or a bit more security in this or that area of life really must sound to
a real Deity who neither helped the poor soul in Somalia begging for
mercy or saved the child leaving muddy hand prints along the edge of the
pool trying to get out. I just think like that and it does indeed fuel
an anxiety that simple faith, justified or not, seems to keep at bay.
I think the world
needs its skeptics to keep those who use critical thinking in what they
accept into their beliefs honest. I say critical thinkers because
frankly I knew few if any among my ministerial peers. I read some of
the articles they write to inspire their current followers and just
shake my head over whether or not they really believe what they say or
are just on auto-pilot saying what they are used to saying or are
expected to say. A recent update from LCG showing how pet store pythons
left to grow big and eat the animals in the Everglades relates to
prophecy is a great example of this silly kind of connections that are
almost unbearable to read. I suppose runaway cudzu is also a sign that
time is short.
So here I sit and
spin out an anxious, which really a somewhat fearful, chemistry.
Perhaps the price of knowledge is anxiety. I know it is a byproduct. I
felt ever so much more safe in the group. No matter what happened, I
had hundreds of friends there to answer the call. We all had each
other. We all believed the same thing, and whether it was right or
wrong did not matter. Shared errors. if never looked at, are
comforting.
Critics will use
the fact that those who press ahead and aren't easily sold the ideas of
others having anxiety as proof that they are outside of the grace and
plan of the Deity. I don't believe that either. If we left everything
up to the church, we'd still be in the Dark Ages. Progress is fueled by
inquiry and even the anxiety caused by just standing still, or getting
stuck perhaps. If everything is totally comfortable, where is the need
or motivation to learn anything else or examine what the current belief
is? Belief is not the same as truth, but ever so much more
comforting. Is not passivity, compliance and "whatever you say," the
dream state for the one man religious show to get his followers in? I
simply cannot do it. I felt this disturbance often at the Feast when
other ministers gave their standard sermons and everything in me was
saying, "and you know this?" or "yeah, yeah, fine...can you speed this
up?" My bad.
So
now, during the course of writing this (I am at school with the
occasional student wanting to talk to me), I feel the anxiety lifting.
Writing off loads it for me as does talk with a patient and
understanding friend. I love study and learning the things I was never
told either because they weren't known or were but not spoken. I can
only take my journey. The Universe is beyond huge. In the scheme of
things we are just one of billions of galaxies each containing millions
of life yielding planets. Quantum physics and cosmology informs us that
reality is not what you think it is and we may just be one grape on a
cluster of many universes in one local vineyard. Paleontology informs
us that evolution is generally true and the mythology of Adam and Eve is
merely that. I kinda knew this all my life but now we know more than
at anytime in the history of humans, we are conscious hairless apes with
an amazing past. This does not preclude the existence of a Deity, but
perhaps does the cultic one of the OT. While fundamentalists will argue
for the mythologies of the Bible being literally true, they are not.
While the stories have a meaning, it is not related to literal origins
of everything from the Grand Canyon, language or conscious humanity.
So the price of
breaking free seems to be a round or two of lonely, bouts of anxiety and
a smattering of with at times for good measure as meaning takes a hit.
. I suspect this is the normal progression in the lives of those that
are seeking rather than judging everyone based on what they feel they
have found and no longer need to let any new information in to rain on
their parade. That approach, in spite of the anxiety produced in not
clinging to fables, myths and hearsay as being literally true or
comforting is simply no longer acceptable or an option. I cannot unring
the bell of skepticism formed by my WCG experience or the facts that I
have let in to inform me on theology and religion. If I could do it
again...well I wouldn't have.
Thank you for listening...
Dennis C
DenniscDiehl@aol.com
DenniscDiehl@aol.com
What you describe is very natural Dennis.
ReplyDeleteI think of it as the ‘pilotless plane syndrome’.
An average air passenger, even if not keen on flying, usually feels fairly comfortable that at least they have experts, professionals, flying the plane – and that even if the plane did hit trouble, the crew are trained for this, they have the skills, and have a good chance of solving whatever problems may comes up.
Contrast this with suddenly finding that actually there is no crew there – there is no pilot, and nobody knows how to fly the plane. Although it may be flying at the moment, you know it’s inevitable that in the next few hours or minutes the plane must crash. Suddenly the passengers are going to be very anxious.
There is a vast difference sitting in a plane, knowing that you have a highly trained crew that are managing things, and the contrast that actually there is no one there up front managing things.
That is why it puzzles me that some people strongly advocate atheism, as a greatly liberating thing.
It’s one of the last things that I would want to be totally convinced of. It is saying that in reality there is nothing. There is no future, and what is here now is just pure chance.
If it was the only thing that made any sense, then ultimately I would have to accept it. But there is no way would I welcome it, it is one of the least desirable solutions to the mystery of life.
After all why would I, or anyone else, actually desire to be on a pilotless plane?
Dennis, It's interesting to hear that ministers had some of the same doubts as the members.
ReplyDeleteThe Freedom from Religion Foundation has started something called the Clergy Project. It's for past or current ministers that no longer believe. I listened to a few or the audios.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I find your articles very helpful.
"The Freedom from Religion Foundation has started something called the Clergy Project. It's for past or current ministers that no longer believe. I listened to a few or the audios."
ReplyDeleteI am on the team for the Clergy Project and find the experience of outgrowing one's faith is fairly common across the board. The feelings are the same as are the consequences of lost meaning, relationships , marriage and such.
Dan Barker, head of the CP wrote the book Losing Faith in Faith and was an evangelical pastor himself for years with all the appropriate training
"What you describe is very natural Dennis."
ReplyDeleteThe price of all this still gets to me and was too high for what it was supposed to deliver.
I have also been "blessed" with the empath personality which is too being too sensitive for my own good.
I suppose it doesn't matter. I doubt I'll ever understand all this BS and the chemistry that goes with it. It really has cost me the things that were important to me ..Just a low spot..nuff said.
Questeruk, there is a pilot for your plane -- you. Through billions of years, matter has become conscious and conscious of itself as we humans are. I don't know how many times this has happened in the universe, nor do you.
ReplyDeleteDennis, you have taken one of the same steps as I have in writing and expressing what you think and feel. Very therapeutic.
The other step I'm now in the midst of is getting into association with like minded people in my area. It's given me a new purpose and excitement in my life. I'm not just sitting in a chair reading and writing while being lonely most of the time. A like-minded partner like Phyllis has been a great help, but I needed that outside fulfillment of social interaction. Finally, it's developing and I will keep on discussing it on my blog.
Thanks Allen, I know getting out around those of like mind is part of the need. I get in this funk and the "reaching out" need hits for better or worse. I should be able to blow this stuff off better than I do sometimes so in some way, I cannot get resolution to it or closure.
ReplyDeleteI have a few closure topics and I guess they are things I didn't want to close. What we want does not seem to matter when we get it anyway.
It will pass. With the job ending here and all the issues and decisions or questions that reintroduces into the mix, my cup runneth over a bit.
Time to practice non attachement, non grasping and letting go. Evidently not one of my great gifts..ha
Usually, a canned commercial for Jesus does very little good, because God hardens and softens hearts, as part of His individual plans for each of us. That's why so many personal evangelistic tools tend to be ineffective.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, if someone sees that another has received healing, was one of the many people who suffered from depression and no longer does, or that a mean person's nature has been changed or transformed, such things speak volumes, and tend to be somewhat more convincing. Changed lives in the face of overwhelming odds against it do tend to get our attention, or at least make us ask additional questions.
I think, to a large extent, we former ACOGgers develop a mental block towards spiritual solutions to the things we recognize as being wrong with our lives because we suffered due to total misrepresentation and spiritual abuse. I had such a block and even overt hostility for over three decades. Let's face it. In Armstrongism, God and Jesus were little more than a clever hook in a manipulative sales presentation.
Once you've been burned and had what should be a personal relationship with God coopted by that sales process, you're probably going to have a life time aversion to such sales people. You'll even assume that the ones who are genuine are of the same ilk, and not even give them a chance.
All that I can say is that return to belief in God, and reaching a deeper understanding of Him as a loving spiritual parent and mentor has improved my own life and outlook exponentially. Of course you have to be extremely careful when reinvestigating these things. Also, not everyone is ready. Someone who is not ready is going to be totally turned off if a friend or relative suggests asking God to walk with them.
Any beneficial confluence is made up of a series of appropriately timed happenings.
For the record, Dennis, I've found that the TNIV Study Bible very effectively and plausably addresses the issues you have with the New Testament, and Paul. But, if you're like I was at one time, unfortunately, you may not even be willing to pick up a Bible. Also, Dr. Manfred Claus, a preeminent Mithra scholar, may provide some surprising additional understanding regarding Mithra and Jesus.
BB
Questeruk, I'd like to pursue what Allen said about you being the pilot of your metaphorical plane. You say it comforts you to think there is a pilot on the other side of the cockpit door, so that's what you believe.
ReplyDeleteIf you're wrong, you're no better off than someone who knows there is no pilot but does nothing, except maybe you whimper less. There is much to be said for this advantage.
On the other hand, someone who knows the cockpit is empty would have a bigger incentive than you do to try to figure out how to take control of the plane. A clear-headed person might actually be able to do so. The earlier one acknowledges the need, the more likely that person will succeed before the plane goes off autopilot or runs out of fuel.
Our brains were constructed upon the premise that world makes sense. Whatever else our brain might be doing, it is always trying make sense out of, or "rationalize" the world. It will do this, even if the raw evidence is in obvious conflict. True psychological healing can only come from truthful rationalization. Sometimes, in order to do this, we must first undo some very untruthful rationalizations. So fundamental is this premise to our psychology that failing to find sense feels like failing at your purpose for being. (Insert anxiety here.) We must also undo the blame and shame that others have heaped upon us, or we can even heap upon ourselves, resulting from our failure to make sense out of circumstances that DID NOT MAKE SENSE.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, this brings me to a quandry between religion and evolution that I cannot rationalize.
If our brains were constructed by a deity, then it is reasonable to assume that He would have constructed them upon the premise that the world makes sense. Alternatively, if our brains were constructed by Darwinian processes, then I am not so sure it is reasonable to conclude that they would be constructed upon that premise. Darwinian processes should only create brains that are uniquely suited to the environment in which they exist. And yet our brains were constructed to search for sense, meaning, and purpose. But in an environment without a Creator, existential meaning and purpose CANNOT EXIST. To be constructed to search for purpose and meaning in our lives, when in fact you do not have purpose or meaning, this is an exercise in maddening futility that evolution SHOULD NOT be expected to produce. And having been produced, it should be a Darwinian experiment that is destined for the scrap heap since we are obviously not well-suited for an environment without meaning.
And to me, this is the ultimate well-spring of anxiety: experiences that seem to suggest one's own evolutionary unfitness. There are few things which can produce chronic anxiety like the notion that one is inherently unable to fulfill his own "prime directives."
We are made for meaning, and it is perhaps the one need we cannot provide for ourselves. It is a need that can only be fulfilled from above. Why do we have this need in the first place? I cannot answer that question. The presence of this need is to me, a bit of evidence that suggests the existence of a Creator. On the other hand, why would a Creator make people who need him and then refuse to fulfill that need for thousands of years, just because, as religion would make it seem, just because of a few bad apples? Also, there is so much about Christianity, Islam, and all the pagan religions that refute themselves internally. Religions, when analyzed closely seem seem to be just so many lies, but lies which would be so very NECESSARY if we are cognitively UNFIT for the environment in which we evolved. It makes it seem that religions were concocted as crutches to provide meaning we so desperately need despite the fact it might not exist. In this way, yes, they may be LIES, but they are NOT ERRORS, because they are NECESSARY.
Between this and the beginning of the universe, these are the reasons why I say that I am not sure whether there is a Creator or not, but if He does exist, He is not the Christian God. I know, this doesn't rationalize anything. It seems that there are 10,000 theories to explain our existence, and there is no truth in any of them. Perhaps there is some comfort in knowing that no one else can truthfully rationalize this either.
"In other words, if I begin to believe that my life is without purpose, the result can be anxiety. While the resulting anxiety is coined a psychological disorder, the root of it lies in the deep spiritual search for life’s meaning."
ReplyDeleteIt may be true that there are some psychologists who would argue, even today that this type of anxiety is a disorder, however these psychologists are merely treading down paths of well-worn Freudian thought which is just as simplistic as the well-worn paths of Christian theologies and dogmas. Once you really get serious about truth, the apparent usefulness of these paths suddenly evaporates.
"I could be smarter perhaps and keep it to myself and just get through, but what is the use of a common experience if you don't share it."
Are you aware that the concept that bottling something up is somehow "smarter" or "healthier" is also an idea that was championed by the Freudians?
Andrew and Anonymous 4:07: Ever studied NDE's? Scientists believe that spiritual experiences are processed through the right temporal lobe of the human brain. In fact, this lobe is observably different in the brains of those who have had near death experiences from those who have not.
ReplyDeleteNot MT Purpose
"God hardens and softens hearts, as part of His individual plans for each of us."
ReplyDeleteDo you really believe that crock, BB? What criteria do you imagine your "god" uses to determine whose heart he is going to harden? Where is freewill then? Where is come unto me in that?
Yeah, you're right. I want nothing more to do with that stupid, messed up, totally fictional book.
I also know current COG ministers and frankly, a number of other minister types who freely admit, to me, their skepticism and realizations, but you would not know it when you hear them preach or write. I have heard the phrase "I know that is true, but I will lose my job," more than once from these men
ReplyDeleteThat's typical! Double standards at play! They tell you to step out in faith and to "keep" the Sabbath even it means losing your job. But, they're afraid to lose their job and will do anything--even tell lies and falsehoods--to keep it! How true are the words: "They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them" (Matthew 23:4)!
I must add, though, I do hear you Dennis and can relate. It seems anxiety is born of uncertainty and I'm definitely a "Martha" in many ways (Luke 10:41)!
The questions we are hashing around here have been hashed around since *Homo* became sapient, which may have been even earlier than *Homo sapiens*. Andrew's frustration over how either a creator or evolutionary pressure could give rise to animals that suffer existential anxiety is, as Questeruk described Dennis's original post, "very natural." Remember Job's friends trying to help him understand his grief and pain?
ReplyDeleteEvolutionary psychologists have come up with better answers than Job and his friends did; at least I think they work better, and the explanations are way less dreary to read besides. Evolutionary psychologist Nancy Etcoff describes the conflict at the root of our angst this way:
“We didn’t evolve for happiness, we evolved for survival and reproduction.” For this reason, we are sensitive to danger. “Pleasure and the positive-reward system is for opportunity and gain,” Etcoff explains. “And pleasure involves risk, taking a chance that can override some of your fear at that moment.”
The whole article from which this quot is taken explores other psychological approaches as well and is well worth a look:
Craig Lambert “The Science of Happiness: Psychology explores humans at their best.” Harvard Magazine January-February 2007. http://harvardmagazine.com/2007/01/the-science-of-happiness.html
Dennis has shared with us some metaphysical events in his life that actually border on theophany. I've also experienced such events, as apparently have others who have shared on these forums and blogs over the years.
ReplyDeleteIt was my experience that the anxieties and crises which Dennis has shared continually recur. You can study and research, you can use reason and logic, but they just keep following a wave pattern, rising and waning. Sometimes they can be brought on by unlikely events, like close friend, live-in girlfriend, or neighbor taking sudden interest in the Bible and Christianity. In other cases they are born from a desire to simply be in tune with all of the good elements of the universe, and to be able to travel through life on an even keel. One can become sick of the emptiness and depression brought on by believing in nothingness. Or, one can be drawn to the enthusiasm and overall positive attitude of a particular Christian.
In my case, the waves just kept on coming, and even intensifying until I found myself on my knees talking to an old friend that I'd thrown away years ago as part of my solution for a somewhat different crisis. It felt sooooo good!
BB