Herbal Detoxification – A Parable

Herbal Detoxification – A Metaphorical Story

“A Parable”
guest writer: SHT

Eleven herbs and spices, so goes the popular catch-phrase for one of the most well-known Chicken-Centric eateries in the United States.

Those with a passion for poultry gobble down boxes and buckets of assortments of legs, thighs, and breasts of these herb-coated Great-American staples of Kentucky fame. What gives the distinctive, finger-licking, can't get enough taste to these unfortunate victims of the food chain is, of course, the special combination of the herbs and spices. In this instance, Herbs have added something to a dish that, so far as I know, no one has been completely successful at replicating. This is an example of a benefit of herbs (and spices).

And then there are those who really don't know how to use herbs and spices. If you are a novice at creating, shall we say, a casserole, or a stew – and you decide to flavor up your creation – but you really don't have any idea as to what herbs and spices to use, and simply grab some herbs here, and a few spices there – what you'll come up with will probably be not the greatest example of a Gordon Ramsey-worthy creation. I would probably dare you to show him what you would come up with. I'd challenge you to stay to hear his critique. More than likely, your novice dish would be a disaster – unless you got really lucky!

When it came to the recipe that Herbert Armstrong used in creating his theology, it can sometimes be just as challenging to attempt to reverse-engineer it as it is to figure out the Colonel's award-winning recipe for chicken. The urge to do so is just as challenging, for two very polarizing reasons. One of them just gave you good chicken. The other one just makes you want to hurl!

When the Colonel developed his Chicken, he knew exactly what to do. He knew how to USE herbs and spices, because he understood that when it comes to food, you just can't go “here a little, there a little”, and “cherry-pick” your way to success. You had to know what each herb and what spice does. You have to understand the right measurements and proportions. You need to know the temperature needed to thoroughly cook the chicken, to make sure there's nothing raw in there, or overcooked as well. You have to make sure it has just the right crunch – and just the right proportions of salt. In short, you have to understand everything about the herbs, the spices, and the chicken to really make a product that the public understands is nothing short of amazing.

In our analogy, Herbert decided that he was going to make a much better chicken product. His wife told him that the recipe was all wrong. He had to prove it wasn't correct. So Herbert decided to run down to the local library, and learn everything he could about creating the perfect chicken restaurant in six months. After reading a dozen or so books, Herbert became convinced that he, and he alone, made the perfect, most amazing, most delicate chicken he could ever create. The knowledge was a gift – given to him from the Chicken Masters Themselves!

Herbert then ripped pages out of these books. One from this recipe book, one from another recipe book. He ripped out a few pages on herbs, on spices, on the use of flour, and a few things about temperature and what have you. Then, using the time-practiced methods of others – he discovered he, and he alone was given the talent and ability to make – wouldn't you know it – the PERFECT chicken!

But THIS Chicken is special! You see, THIS chicken – this Chicken of Herbert – was the only TRUE Chicken you could ever eat. Every other chicken restaurant is not only horrible, it's rotten. It's putrid. It's tasteless. It's overcooked. Or it's raw. This chicken is absolutely the worst chicken you could ever look at! Why? Because you're the only one that has the knowledge of how chicken is done properly (I really had to work to avoid slogan infringement there!), and every other chicken restaurant out there is completely counterfeit.

But Herbert ran into a little problem with his new Chicken Empire. He was short of money. But he HAD to show the world just how great HIS Chicken was! So, he developed a way to fund his chicken empire. It was really simple. Herbert would form a club, let's call it “The Worldwide Clucking Chickens of Gobble”, claiming that his chickens had a special mix of herbs and spices that no one else had that had healing abilities. If you ate this chicken, you would feel better, be healed of all of your illnesses, be favored by the Worldwide Clucking Chickens of Gobble, spread the word of the Cluckers, and grow in the knowledge of the Power of Clucking Chickens. But there was, of course, a catch.

In order to grow his Clucking Chickens Club, he had to make sure he had the loyalty of his Chicken Cluckers. First, each member would need to pay their dues. It wouldn't be that much – just a small stipend of the salary they make – say, maybe ten percent of their earnings. Next, they would have to be told to never, ever go to another Chicken Restaurant, because their ingredients were toxic. That'll do it, because they would be scared if they ate their competitor's chickens, they'd suffer from horrible indigestion, worms, maggots, burns, and a horrible awful taste. Worse than this, it would be the most unloyal thing they'd ever do to forsake the Clucking Chickens Club to try something that was told to be so bad for them. They wouldn't even try it, because they believed Herbert simply understood Chickens better than the rest of them.

So those who believed Herbert knew best hung on to his every word.

Herbert developed countless articles on why HIS Chickens were SO great, and everyone else's Chickens were so horrible. Herbert looked at every possible thing that favored his methods, and promoted them to the ends of the earth. But if Herbert saw anything at all that disagreed with his techniques, they were putrid, rotten, and disgusting. They just didn't get it. They were the “Evil, Rotten Anti-Chickens, Clucking Their Way to Destruction”.

And Herbert's Group of Cluckers believed him. They became afraid. They looked at the other Chicken restaurants, scared to go in there for fear they'd get sick. They treated them as inferiors, because they really believed they had the better chicken. They marched into their restaurants, smug as could be, ordered their chickens, and praised Herbert to no end for being the recipient of the Chicken Once Delivered. Surely, within just three to five years, they'd see the healing power of the Chickens in their lives! They'd see that their way works. And all would understand this, once Herbert took over all the other Chicken Restaurants with his techniques, to rule the Empire of Chickendom forever.

Of course, the other Chicken restaurants around thrived. They knew that Herbert's Chicken restaurant was a little strange, and off the wall – but they simply went on with their lives. Of course, there really was nothing wrong with their chicken. They knew Herbert only knew “what he was doing” based on the techniques and principles of others he copied and learned from. In short, Herbert's Chicken Clucking Empire was a complete fraud. His empire grew on deceiving those whom he brought into his Chicken Club into believing he had the Only Real Chickens, and every other chicken restaurant would cause them great harm.

And so, for several years, his chicken empire grew. But in time, Herbert would pass on to the great land of Chicken Entrepreneurs. And those who ran the Chicken Cluckers decided that the best way to see if their chicken was really the best chicken – and if the others really were as bad as they were taught, was to take a taste test of the other Chicken Restaurants.

So they went over to their competitors, and were shocked at what they found out.

The other Chickens were different, yes, but tastier. They were seasoned differently, but tasty! Some were barbecue. Some were honey-roasted. Who would have thought of these variants? Some of them were nuggets. Others were fingers. Still, others were broasted. Variety! Herbert never taught variety with HIS Chicken! They'd been eating the same chicken for decades! Could it possibly be that there's more than one way to eat a chicken? Could it possibly be that they were not just wrong, but incredibly short-sighted and trapped in the box?

So the executives that took over the Chicken Cluckers realized their mistake. They then told the Chicken Cluckers that the other chicken places never actually harmed anyone. They didn't cause food poisoning, they didn't cause indigestion – none of these things were true. But if the Cluckers knew that, Herbert would lose their business, at his empire's financial expense.

As the Cluckers were angry at the deception, the empire fell, and separated into several different chains. Many were amazed at the variety of chickens out there. Others were scared, and stayed with Herbert's Cluckers. No one could understand the deception. But in spite of all the evidence, there was still a small core group that believed all the other chicken restaurants were death traps, full of evil and toxicity. And no one could convince them otherwise.

The world is full of entrepreneurs and business types who do anything to get a niche in their market. The moral of the story?

There's always more to the story than an ad-man will tell you to sell his product. Coke may say things about Pepsi. Pepsi may say things about Coke. But in the end? They're both tasty, carbonated beverages. No matter what one might say about the other. And if you're really, really thirsty – you'll take either one, and recognize the truth within the story.