When the Laodicieans realized they
should have downloaded the MY COG App!
- Turn off all text notifications from Sunset Friday to Sunset Saturday night! Restricts calls from "Worldly people" from sunset to sunset. Finish your calls early, because the phone WILL cut your conversation cold!
- Autopay tithes directly to the COG! Simply add in your bank routing number or DirectPay, and the App will automatically deduct 10% of your income into the Church Headquarters - and another 10% Directly into the Festival Fund account for your second tithe! Now, you don't have to worry about the Tithe of the Tithe - the app will take care of that for you! Third tithe years are automatically calculated for your convenience, and deducted every third year from your date of Baptism! Tithing could never be easier! PLUS, you can select your offering amount! Simply press $50, $75, or $100 choices from the App for Auto-Offering! It just can't be easier!
- Dating has never been easier with the My Date feature! Eligible singles will appear directly on your App! Simply press "I Want to Date Her" and the App will forward the request directly to the Local Pastor. You should get a notice if your date was approved or rejected within one week! The App also features Dating Reports, progress reports, and surveys that monitor your morality with your special person.
- Register directly for the Feast of Tabernacles! Simply input all of your Feast of Tabernacles registration information and at exactly the right date and at the right time, the App will submit your information directly to the Festival Office! You will then get the detailed itinerary including your Motel, Rate, Festival Location, Site, and events! No more work for you! You will also have the number of your Festival Coordinator right at your fingertips!
- Sick? Simply push “I'm Sick” and an Elder will send you a “Virtual Anointing Cloth”! Just Pray and Touch! No more need to call your Elder when the App will call your Elder for you! You can have faith you have been prayed for!
- Get a full list of all unclean and clean foods right on your phone! Are you unsure? The App has the name and photo of every unclean and clean meat you can think of! No more excuses!
- Get recipes for Unleavened Bread right on your phone! The Church Unleavened Bread Recipe Cookbook has it all! You can randomize, or search for whatever recipe you wish. There's even a Church Potluck Recipe Feature so you can make something different than Vegetarian Baked Beans!
- Unsure if something unleavened is OK? Take a picture of it, send it to the App, and the App will determine if it is ok or not!
- Having problems with unconverted people trying to talk to you? COGBlock will block their numbers with one push! Simply press "Ignore Heathen" and no more contact with a Heathen!
- Ready to get baptized? Press “I'm Ready” and a minister will contact you to discuss your options! Be Warned though! The "Baptism" feature will not be enabled unless your minister believes you are ready first. If he believes you are, the "I'm Ready" icon will be lit.
- Volunteering for Sabbath Duties has never been easier! Simply enter your service role, to avoid one being assigned for you! You can choose from Duties that are adjusted for your specific Rank - attendee, member, Pillar, Deacon, Member. Any open positions will show immediately and be ready for you to fill!
- Single? The Singles Feature will give you a list of all singles activities in your area! Make sure you meet your monthly quota of Singles Activities!
- Club member? Enter the Club Portal to access the Virtual Handbook, and the App Timer for your speeches!Practice Tongue Twisters, like Theophilus Thistle or Suzy Sells Sea Shells!
- Is it Atonement? Our app will detect how close you are to the fridge, and blast a WARNING if you get too close or open the door!Be careful, it will send the results to your minister, so stay away from the fridge!
- Is it Trumpets? Our App will sound trumpet blasts at Sunset, fulfilling the sounding of the Trumpets! You can choose from 5 types of Trumpet Blasts - and even a Shofar!
- Is it the Sabbath? Our App will let you choose between YA music, Orchestra Classics, or Strauss Arrangements for your listening pleasure! From Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah to the Hallelujah Chorus, All the Sabbath Music is there for you!
- Can't make it to Church? Simply take a picture of the problem, and our Ministers will determine if your excuse is valid!
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- NOTES! Take notes directly on MYCOG! Automatically input scriptures with the tap of a button. Then, review them weekly!Be zealous!
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- GAMES! Play Straighten the Chairs, Move the Podium, or Making Unleavened Goodies right on your phone! Build a Millennial City and Manage Your Planet! Play THE TALENT GAME with other COG members around the world online!Arrange flowers around the Podium! Take your hand at flapping your arms, you song leader-wanna be! How many chicken wings can you flap without tiring? Can you keep from taking off through the Gymnasium roof?
- Youth Educational Lessons! Right on your phone! From Samson to Methuselah to Rebekah and Leah - it's all there!
- PRAYER REQUESTS right on your App! Simply type in your request, and your minister will approve it, and badabing! It's on!
- IN A MARITAL DISPUTE? Click “DISPUTE” on your phone to invite your minister to conference in right then and there!
- COG RINGTONES! Have Dwight be your ringtone, choose from 128 different selections! Choose from MIDI format, Grand Piano, or Kazoo and Fluteaphone!
- ARE YOU A SONG LEADER? Send your Pastor and Pianist your song choices directly from the App!
- ARE YOU A SPEAKER? Our built in teleprompter will help you speak right from the App right on the Podium! Complete with Timer! Couldn't be easier!
- ARE YOU A PRAYER GIVER? Our scripted prayers will help you give the perfect opening and closing prayers! The Proximity Sensor will flash yellow if you are TOO CLOSE TO THE MICROPHONE! IT WILL BEEP LOUD SO STAY AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE!
- ARE YOU A DEACON? ELDER? PASTOR? Then upgrade to MYCOGELITE! With special top-secret functions for the Minister in You to help you micro-manage your MEMBERS!
- HAVE TEENS? Put MYCOG on their phones to SHUT THEM OFF during services! The MYCOG App will also listen to detect if they are engaging in forbidden things, and will sound a DWIGHT ARMSTRONG SONG LOUDLY if it hears matching sound algorithms!
- ARE YOU DRESSED OK FOR CHURCH? The MYCOG App will tell you! Simply snap a selfie of yourself, it will tell you if you are dressed appropriately or not!
- ARE YOU FOUL MOUTHED? The MYCOG App will listen for foul language, and warn you if you slip up! Beware, any foul words will be sent to your minister!
- UNMARRIED PEOPLE! TEMPTED TO FIDDLE WITH YOUR FADDLE? THE MYCOG APP WILL DETECT FIDDLING AND SOUND AN ALARM AND CALL YOUR MINISTER TO TELL YOU TO STOP FIDDLING WITH YOUR FADDLE! THIS WILL STOP YOU FOR SURE!
AND SO MUCH MORE!!!! GET YOUR MYCOG APP TODAY!!!!!!!
COG's released from all liability. By using this app you waive any legal recourse and blah blah blah. Trust us, you'll be okay. Have we ever wronged you?
by SHT
The more you mock the LIVING GOD on this waste of space the hotter the flames of the Lake of Fire will be as you are thrown into it! The Church of God is NOT to be mocked without a consequence happening. May it come early and swiftly!
ReplyDeleteNobody is mocking God, 7:11. A false teacher is being mocked, as well as the stupid, anal system which he created.
DeleteI’ve said many times that If I am ressurrected and suddenly see Herbert W. Armstrong, Flurry, Pack, Meredith, and all of the other ACOG charlatans smiling and walking and talking with Jesus, I’ll immediately ask Father God if I can please be excused to go to the Lake of Fire.
Fortunately, no such thing is ever going to happen.
BB
And yet, here you are. I will gladly be cast into the Lake O’ Fire to get away from a thick, humorless, stick-in-the- mud like you.
Delete7:11 CAPITALIZATION will NOT make your message more effective or relevant.
DeleteThe sound of your spiritual (and physical) ancestors dragging their knuckles is the only thing your comment stirs.
The hotter the flames, the quicker the annihilation 😅
DeleteUm...Ok
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteWhile there is no shortage of people who could have written what 7:11PM wrote with all earnestness and seriousness, as per Poe's Law, since it is impossible to be sure how it was meant to be interpreted, I'm just going to go with the satire option...
ReplyDeleteWhere is the prayer app?
ReplyDelete*Slowly beeps every 5 minutes to check if you are still awake during your hour of prayer*
That was refreshing. Good job.
ReplyDeleteWhat about if one is too tired to pray? Isn't it a good option to have automatic prayers be generated and sent automatically?
ReplyDeleteWe all realize that the post is a joke and is not meant to be disrespectful to the Most High, but it does demonstrate how low the cogs have sunk and what possible craziness may appear in the future.
Pull out the chalk to mark them on the concrete.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the "YELP" app for rating ministers?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteByker Bob on April 16, 2019 at 8:00 PM said...“I’ve said many times that If I am ressurrected and suddenly see Herbert W. Armstrong, Flurry, Pack, Meredith, and all of the other ACOG charlatans smiling and walking and talking with Jesus, I’ll immediately ask Father God if I can please be excused to go to the Lake of Fire.”
NO YOU WON'T!!!
People like to mouth off like that now, but if and when the time comes, they will suddenly change their tune. That is how things actually go.
7.11 AM
ReplyDeleteThese Pharisaic churches deserve to be mocked.
7:11 and 9:30
ReplyDeleteYou can believe whatever you want as zealously and wholeheartedly as you want to, but your words have absolutely no power or authority over anyone here. What you speak is ignorant of truth and has been deemed as false time and time again. You speak presumptuously and arrogantly in false judgement. Assuredly - the time you speak of will not be as you think. May you know the love and compassion of Jesus Christ in your daily life so you are not caught off guard at the depth of who God is and what He stands for. So please do not assume your roaring has any power here. All we here is the mews of a kitty-cat.
Blessings.
7:11 Do you really believe that God was/is happy with the COGs? Do you really believe the COGs exhibited the love of Christ? Do you really believe the elevated lifestyle of the WCG elite, the hierarchy that truly separated people by demeaning some and elevating others, the hypocritical sins at headquarters and the likely HWA sins and the certain GTA sins, the financial abuse of many, the threats of the Lake of Fire for make-up or not enough giving, etc. are things the Lord just winks at? If you do, you are wrong.
ReplyDeleteThere was much wrong with the WCG and splinters from corruption to false teachings. Many were hurt by these organizations, some are here. Some are here to vent for their hurt, some to learn about the wrong teachings and corruption, some to provide help and advice to those involved or interested in the COGs.
I hope all can move on from the hurt; I can list several that seem to have and are here to help and give perspective.
Maybe you weren't hurt. Maybe you were one of the elite. Maybe you simply don't recognize how the COGs hurt you as you lash out at those who criticize an organization. That is not mocking God, even if the organization was not the corrupt one that it was. At the very least I pray that God shows you He never was an organization and that he softens your heart regarding the real harm the organization did. I mean that.
The 7.11 PM post is a reminder that many ministers and members worship their physical corporate church. I recall both speaking the word 'church' in reverential tones.
ReplyDeleteOnly God who is worthy of worship.
7:11 drank the Kool Aid. He, she, or it is simply reciting the programming. No basis in reality, just part of the Armstrong dream (nightmare).
ReplyDeleteBB
Well, you could probably market an app with just half of those features and make a decent pile of cash.
ReplyDeleteYeah. Take out a few of the more extreme listed features and I'd download right away.
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to what you see as extreme. I have experienced each and every one of these things during my 45+ years in the church.
ReplyDeletepearls before swine, 7:11, pearls before swine.
ReplyDeleteJim, 11:46 well said. btw, do I know you? I know several Jim's in the church. If so, email me.
ReplyDeleteKevin McMillen
Kevinmcmillem64@gmail.com
10:41 as if we all don't know that you are 7:11
ReplyDeleteJust one question, is the faddle fiddling alarm GTA singing "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree"?
ReplyDeleteKevin
I used to just guffaw when GTA did one of his Armstrong-insider satirical numbers, like “In your Ishtar bonnet, with all the pagan sex symbols on it, you’ll be the pagannest lady in the Ishtar Parade!”
DeleteBB
Wait, do they still afford data plans with all the financial obligations to the church? I sacrificed getting DSL and cable TV back in the days when I was a member because my cash and time were too stretched thin.
ReplyDelete