THE SEVEN SUCCESSFUL KEYS TO A ZESTFUL NTBMO:
1. Always avoid booking restaurants with standard names. Such as: “Lester’s Steak House” or “Big Mamma’s Grille.” Avoid chain restaurants too. Pick those which have swanky names. Like; “The Lamb & The Lion” or “Scandal’s at Riverpoint.” Although, your steak maybe the size of a postage stamp and the price is 4 or 5 times higher, it’s all about splurging your 2nd tithe that night.
2. Be the first to put the Rye Crisp on the table. This act shows you’re deeply converted and your mind is on the feast.
3. Point out problems with food, even if you have to make them up. Such as; “George, I think that’s a bacon bit under your lettuce leaf” or “Jane, that looks like a crouton in your mashed potatoes.” Don’t over do it, 2 or 3 times during the meal is fine.
4. Ordering wine; if the wine taste like 3 day old burnt coffee grounds, order it! It will be very expensive and talk about it’s wonderful flavor. This is very impressive. Also, brush up on how wine is made. When the wine is first served to the table, give a 5-10 minute lecture on the art of making wine. Super impressive!
5. Memorize several Bible verses about the FUB. When there’s a lull in the conversation, quote a Bible verse then make a toast. Don’t be a stick in the mud, always drink to another person's toast.
6. How much should you drink? The Seder has a minimum of 4 glasses of wine. Seven is the stopping point because, that’s God’s perfect number. Yes, it’s okay to switch to beer or mixed drinks after you have at least 2 glasses of wine.
7. Always leave the biggest tip on the table. It must be seen too. Example; cough real loud when you’re dropping that $100 bill on the table.
MB
I know one pastor who fulfills #5 by having Bible question cards at the tables, to keep the dinner conversation "on point."
ReplyDeleteYet last year, when I took a Bible to NTBMO, no one in the room seemed to bring up the Bible or the meaning of the night at all.
Gary! Great bullet point post! I wish I heard this in a sermonette. But alas.. Humor and irony are in short supply in the associated COG.
ReplyDeleteHowever, rejoicing in dwindling numbers and the same message over and over while doing an “earth-shaking” work are never in short supply. There’s also a surplus of guilt to be passed around like a freewill offering.
Said restaurant has been thoroughly de-leavened, right? We know what happens to anyone that eats leaven during ULB.
ReplyDeleteOh, and in a restaurant on a high holy day? I think not.
My family are the outcasts of our congregation and are never invited anywhere. So needless to say we have a lovely evening away from all the fakes and don't miss the wordly hoopla.
ReplyDeleteI toast an early toast to all the outcasts out there. May God bless you.
As another outcast family, I return the toast to you and yours! May your evening be restful, contemplative, and peaceful - all things that it probably wouldn’t be if you kept it in a large church group.
DeleteI never understood the restaurant thing during unleavened bread either....it would be considered gross negligence at the very least.... it's the one week out of the year that I don't have to worry about the wife wanting to eat out...lol
ReplyDeleteThe church never offered biblical proof that 7 is Gods perfect number. Personally, I don't believe it.
ReplyDelete"The church never offered biblical proof that 7 is Gods perfect number." The Bible also does not say that there are 7000 years for man's reign and the millennium. 6000 years of man's reign has come and gone. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. That could be one day or a million days, but nowhere does it say just a week (7000 years). Maybe God goes by the month or year or a million years.
ReplyDelete"However, rejoicing in dwindling numbers and the same message over and over while doing an 'earth-shaking' work are never in short supply. There’s also a surplus of guilt to be passed around like a freewill offering."
ReplyDeleteWhenever numbers go up, such as the offering totals, this is always a clear indication that "god is blessing us" and "our tiny 'work' is going to prove to be the earthshattering one that god will use to confound the mighty."
Whenever numbers go down, such as attendance totals, "numbers don't mean anything."
God is always in charge, and he always knows what he's doing, especially when whatever he's doing results in the opposite of everything the bible claims he wants.
And when surveying the resulting debris field, always praise him for whatever way in which the devastation was not quite complete, as validation of his "mercies."
At the original Passover, the Israelites were not discussing the Bible. They were discussing their present distress and looking forward to being delivered from oppression.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fine topic for many ACOG discussions today, except that the oppressors are in the room, running the event!
Anon 6:48 Agree.
ReplyDelete