A Helping Tool of Recovery: Radical Acceptance

Every once in a while, for the sake of pure nostalgia, or for self-healing methods, I will go back in time and play some of the Dwight Armstrong hymns of the old Purple Hymnal of generations past. Doing this helps me in reflection, to put life and eras past into perspective. It helps me to remember what was in comparison to what is. It also allows me to put myself back into a time that no longer exists so that I can write about that time now, without distortion. 

I speak as one who was born into the Church - a generation who entered into Armstrongism with an absolutely clean slate. These songs - though understandably dreadful to many - still hold a place within me that cannot be erased. It was these songs that I heard both in the womb, and every week after birth for decades. Each song has been etched into me with the strength and rigidity of a soldering iron. And to this very day, I remember nearly every word to nearly every song. 

Each song plays forth different memories and different memories. Some remind me only of the Local Church area I most frequently attended. Others bring me to the cavernous arenas at the Feast of Tabernacles. The effect gets even more intense for memory recall when I add "crowd noise" and "piano background" - to where you almost could think you were there all over again. 

Why is it that I subject myself to such torture, you might ask? Is it something I need to do? Or is it just me attempting to relive a part of the past that is long gone? 

One of the things that I have learned in my years of de-programming therapy is a philosophy which is called "Radical Acceptance". Radical acceptance is when one accepts wholeheartedly and completely the situation in which one is in - or in my case - was born into and/or lives in today. There are two choices in life, and two ways in which one can go. You can fight your situation and/or reality, moan, complain, whine and pity-party your circumstances and increase your pain. Or, you can accept, embrace, learn from, and be content with the cards you have been dealt with. Radical acceptance is the action of the latter. 

"I cannot accept this", one might say of a particular situation. For those of us who grew up in the Church, we absolutely have to accept that that is what happened, and that is how we were programmed. We have to acknowledge the fact, first, that we became who we are because of the influence of our parents and of the Church. We have to accept the fact that it was not the best situation - and in fact, may have been the producer and influencer of many horrible and awful situations in each of our lives. Pretending it did not happen does nothing but bury the pain deep inside. Pretending it did not happen will never heal. Pretending it did not happen will never allow you to grow past your feelings and your experiences. Ignoring what was trains you to ignore what is. And the only way to change is to accept what you have been dealt so that you can mold and shape what you have into what you want yourself to be. 

"Changing reality requires first accepting it. Rejection of reality is like a cloud that surrounds pain, interfering with being able to see it clearly. We have to see the situation clearly so we can determine if there is anything we can change about it, or, if it can't be changed, what we want to do about it.:"

Although each of our situations were different - some of us were born into a liberal experience, others a very hard-line experience. Some of us sailed through our collective experience without much harm. Others were severely and critically injured and recovering to this day. Some of us have good memories, even great memories, of our Armstrongism experience. Others have nightmarish, horror stories that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Whatever happened may or not have been painful. Yet, if there is one thing to remember, it is this: "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

Regardless of what we went through, we are where we are now, and where we are now is that reality. Radically, wholly, and completely accepting our circumstances will help us handle our emotions and feelings to make our lives better in the days, months, and years to come. As the serenity prayer often says, we must strive to change the things we can change, accept the things we cannot change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. As survivors from a severely dehabilitating experience with spiritual abuse, there is no better advice to help one to radically accept our situations, so we may have a brighter and better future in the times that are ahead of us. 

There is something that I learned when in training for management many years ago. The five words that helped me to accept what reality is: 

"It is what it is". And accepting reality is the first step toward being able to take the steps for your life to make it better, more whole, more enjoyable, and more happy.  It was what it is, it is what it is, and what it can only be changed by being able to handle, accept, and grow with and from whatever comes our way. It's the secret to being content. It's a step toward recovery. No matter what life brings, or what paths we go, finding the gems in the rough can be a happy moment if we take time to learn to work with all the things that came and come our way. 

Now, instead of burying the past - I don't regret listening to those old Dwight Armstrong hymns. (I know, I know.)  I accept the fact that that was the music I was born into. I listen to them now and remember, to feel, to reflect, and to acknowledge the fact that this was my reality for a good part of my life. My goal now is to take those memories, experiences, harmonies, and words - to wholly build those chapters of my life for myself into a chapter of understanding for personal clarity. Maybe you would never think of this approach - but - Could this work for you? Maybe, maybe not, depending on where you are in your journey of recovery. But, if it doesn't work for you - don't feel bad about it or think something is wrong! This isn't so much about the "songs" then the underlying principle. - Just accept where you are on your journey on your best path, and remember you are uniquely special in YOUR story, whatever it may be. I wish you all the best as you grow in life as it is now in its present reality. 

*quotes from an unknown source

submitted by SHT