Samuel Kitchen writes about Samaria - his new name for the United States:
Once again, Samuel W. Kitchen—third-generation prophet, self-appointed Worldwide Church of God restorer, aspiring Ambassador Auditorium buyer, and apparently the only guy left who still thinks Herbert W. Armstrong's ghost is personally mind-melding him end-time memos from the spirit realm. In a world where most people doomscroll TikTok for entertainment, you're out here doom-preaching about maritime law and toe federations like it's the hottest new Netflix series.This Church is under threat of Satan the Devil, and his Beast system! They are rising up out of the sea, and corporations are governed by the law of the sea(or maritime U.C.C law).When the ten toes give this MAN, this BEAST, their power and strength, then the Great Tribulation will begin. Then the SWORD or nuclear war will be launched on our lands, killing 1/3 of our peoples to remove the rebellious, and to install ORDER.Then as a result, we will see another 1/3 of our peoples die to disease and pestilence. Then the remaining 1/3 will be reinstalled as CITIZENS of the new country! And if you try to assemble as God's people, and keep His Law and His Sabbath day, you will face capital punishment. That is the Mark of the Beast!And this resurrected Holy Roman Empire, will only happen when the ten nations give to this man who will become the BEAST, power and authority. But before that, he is rising up among SAMARIA through the idol worshipping we are doing! And because of it we are GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN!Come brethren, let us fear the Lord and think on His name. Where did He place it? What Church was established by Him? The Worldwide Church of God. Let us gather together, and ASSEMBLE once again. Let us come together in ONE MIND, and ONE SPIRIT. Bringing the tithes and offerings into the storehouse, so God's House may be spared and have meat in His house! THEN AND ONLY THEN SHALL THE DEVOURER BE REBUKED, and we shall be spared! Not after! So this is a TEST on where your heart is at! Are you one of the FAITHFUL FEW who are obeying God? Or are you one of the rebellious many?Life and death is set before you. Choose life.
Let's revisit your apocalyptic fanfic with the enthusiasm it deserves—because nothing screams "fun" like nuclear holy war triggered by insufficient tithing receipts.
Picture it: Satan the Devil, that crafty old sea monster, is rising out of the ocean... not on a throne of skulls, but on a yacht registered under Delaware LLC rules. Because apparently the real Mark of the Beast isn't 666—it's a properly filed UCC-1 financing statement. Corporations are the Beast system now? Bold.
The ten toes finally hand over their power to this shadowy MAN/BEAST. Boom—Great Tribulation speedrun unlocked. First third of humanity? Vaporized by "swords" (nukes, because subtlety is for losers). Why? To "remove the rebellious" and install ORDER.
Then, plot twist: another third drops from pestilence. Because why stop at radiation poisoning when you can add bubonic bonus rounds? The surviving third? Welcome to the post-trib HOA from hell. Nothing says divine love like a post-apocalyptic rebrand with 66% population reduction. Efficiency!
And the ultimate gotcha? If you try to assemble on Saturday, keep the Sabbath, and obey God's Law like a good little remnant... capital punishment. That's the Mark of the Beast, baby. Not barcodes, not digital IDs, not even refusing to say "Happy Holidays." Nope—it's daring to have church on the wrong day of the week. Truly, the scariest thing in 2026 is a Zoom Sabbath service getting raided by Beast SWAT teams yelling, "Hands up! That's Saturday worship— you're under arrest!"
But fear not, brethren! The resurrected Holy Roman Empire 2.0 (now with 100% more EU bureaucracy) only launches once those ten nations empower the Beast. Until then, it's all downhill in Samaria because... idol worship. We're "GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN!" like a bad stock ticker, all because people aren't coughing up enough tithes to keep God's cosmic PayPal account in the black.
The fix? Simple. Fear the Lord. Think on His name (spoiler: it's parked at worldwidechurchofgod.org, registered to a 34-year-old in Keosauqua, Iowa, who swears he's not a minister so he can't take tithes... wink wink). Gather in ONE MIND, ONE SPIRIT. Bring those sweet, sweet offerings into the storehouse so God's House has "meat." Only then will the Devourer be rebuked. Not after! Timing is everything in prophecy—and apparently in divine Venmo.
This is YOUR FINAL TEST, people. Are you one of the faithful few, or one of the rebellious many, dooming us all because you spent grocery money on avocado toast instead of mailing it to Keosauqua?
Life and death set before you. Choose life by preserving the Holy Ambassador Auditorium. By which he means choose recurring donations, Saturday services, and blind loyalty to the one true unincorporated spiritual organism that a handful of diehards insist is still kicking 30-some years after the rest of the splinters have splintered further.
In conclusion, thank you, Samuel, for this high-octane reminder that while the rest of us are stressing about gas and grocery prices, the true crisis is corporate admiralty law teaming up with insufficient Sabbath attendance to nuke a third of humanity and slaughter another third with pestilence.
Now excuse me while I go check if my checking account has 666 in its barcode and maybe set up a recurring $20 transfer—just in case. Purely to rebuke the Devourer, you understand.
No pressure. But also... tick-tock, brethren. The toes are wiggling.
I hate to break it to you Sam, but if there’s nuclear war, a whole lot more than 1/3 of the population will die. Your delusional rantings started out kind of funny, now it looks like you need mental help.
ReplyDeleteSAMaria? I suppose that, in Kitchen-world, the utopian paradise is a HERBARIUM !!!
ReplyDeleteLoL
DeleteHow is the ten toe power giving might to the Beast going to destroy USA in the manner described when one US nuclear sub can of its own pretty well destroy most of Europe.
ReplyDeleteAnd Europe is so weak militarily and with huge financial burdens they will never have the means to invest in the military and get anywhere near USA power.
It's a Bertie falsehood all cobbled together to spread fear and as a result extract money from sincere believers. In other words a con.
Acts 5:29 instructs to "obey God rather than man." The opposite of obeying man rather than God is the mark of the beast in general. So members giving themselves all manner of perks and the ACOG ministers doing the same by abusing their members and mangling doctrines is also the mark of the beast. Narrowly defining the mark of the beast as non Sabbath keeping is a get-out-of-jail-free card by these groups.
ReplyDeleteArmstrong and his followers peddling the complete destruction of the USA theory by a Beast in Europe are showing arrogance in the sense they make out it’s in the bible. And showing disrespect to believers and any who read alike. These prophesiers are brazen as well as wrong.
ReplyDeleteIt is a fake prophecy.
And, the problem, Bill, is that it distracts them from seeing what's real. What's the object of supposedly knowing "the truth" about these bogus national origins? When the punishments kick in, the plan upon which these folks are relying is "going to the place of safety". Most do not have a Plan B. Any of their financial resources which might have gone towards the protection of their families have been diverted to the oppressive false prophets they are trusting for the answers.
DeleteThe "Oh $hit" moment will kick in when nasty stuff begins to happen, it's completely different from what Armstrong said, and members only then realize that it's just as if every single one of them had ended up being Laodicean because they are totally unprepared.
True that, 8:13! I'd have to guess that there were some Armstrongites present in New Orleans during Katrina who know the things that can happen. Or living near the South Jersey shore during the hurricane there! We also know that Petra is no longer viable as a place of safety, especially because of the mean-spirited ministers who are constantly being exposed here.
DeleteThe Biblical examples have the stories of the strong facing the firey trials, not the weak Laodicean types, so that's another thing Armstrong got wrong!