Ronald Weinland is living proof that in the wacky world of Armstrongism, you can be spectacularly wrong about everything, live like a mini-tycoon on other people’s tithes, go to prison, call yourself a prophet, and still lead a Church of God. This guy didn’t just fail — he failed with Olympic-level commitment.
Born in 1949, Weinland slurped up Herbert W. Armstrong’s doomsday stew in 1969, became a WCG minister, then bailed when the main church started acting less culty. He bounced to the United Church of God before launching his own little kingdom in 1998: the Church of God – Preparing for the Kingdom of God (COG-PKG). Because nothing says “God’s true remnant” like starting yet another tiny splinter group with you at the top.
The Two Witnesses: Him and His Wife (Obviously)
In his 2006 masterpiece 2008 – God’s Final Witness, Weinland declared that he and his wife Laura were the Two Witnesses of Revelation 11. You know, the super-powered prophets who breathe fire, kill enemies, die in Jerusalem, and resurrect after three and a half days. Laura got the fancy title of “prophetess.” In practice, she was mostly the “quietly standing there prophetess.” How convenient.
Nepotism? What Nepotism?
Weinland turned the church into a full-blown family jobs program. In 2010 he ordained a bunch of new elders, including his daughter Audra (church bookkeeper) and his then-24-year-old son Jeremy. Nothing suspicious about putting your kids on the payroll and controlling the financial spreadsheets, while telling followers the world is ending and they should send more money. Totally normal Church of God prophet behavior.
Diamond Rings and the Lavish Lifestyle
While screaming that the world was about to collapse, Ron and Laura were out buying diamond rings like it was Black Friday at Jareds. Court records showed multiple jewelry shopping sprees with Audra in tow. Supposedly, when the economy crashed and money was not worth anything, they could use these diamonds to bribe their way into Jerusalem and elsewhere. Church money paid for a big house, endless travel, and security systems. But sure, brethren, keep those tithes coming so the Two Witnesses can rock some serious bling.
The Ideacity Debacle (Among Many)
In the glittering world of big ideas and TED-style enlightenment, few spectacles could match the glorious mismatch of 2009’s Ideacity conference. There, amid visionaries and futurists, strode Ronald Weinland—a self-anointed apostle, prophet, and one-half of the biblical Two Witnesses. Fresh from publishing books that promised the global economy would crumble in 2008 and that nuclear trumpets would soon herald the end of days, Weinland took the stage like a man confidently selling beachfront property in the Book of Revelation. With a straight face and zero hint of irony, he laid out his timeline for humanity’s fiery finale, apparently unaware that some of his boldest 2008 predictions had already quietly face-planted.
The audience, expecting provocative thought experiments rather than doomsday fan fiction, reacted with the polite Canadian version of stunned silence mixed with muffled snickering. Weinland’s big moment as the internet’s favorite end-times evangelist didn’t exactly set the room on fire—unless you counted the slow burn of secondhand embarrassment. Reports suggest the prophet was so unimpressed by the comedian who followed him that he made an early exit, perhaps to go recalculate his next revised date for Christ’s return. In the end, Ideacity didn’t launch Weinland to prophetic stardom. Instead, it became a punchline for critics: proof that even in the marketplace of ideas, some stalls sell nothing but expired prophecies. And yet, true to form, Weinland’s small band of believers kept the faith, demonstrating once again that cognitive dissonance is one hell of a resilient spiritual gift.
Failed Prophecies
Weinland’s prophecy batting average is a perfect 0.000:
- April 17, 2008: Two Witnesses ministry begins. First trumpet sounds. Cities get nuked. (Crickets.)
- June 2008: If nothing happens by Pentecost, he’s a false prophet. (Spoiler: nothing happened.)
- December 14, 2008: Okay, now the first trumpet starts (spiritually, of course).
- September 29, 2011: Jesus returns!
- May 27, 2012: No, wait — Jesus returns now!
- May 2013: Final final date. Or maybe it’s a “thousand years is a day” thing. Just keep waiting, guys.
Classic. Ron must have taught Bob Thiel how to be a prophet.
First COG Felon Leader: Tax Evasion Edition (Now With Extra Irony)
This part is pure gold. While breathlessly warning the world about nuclear fire, divine wrath, and the total collapse of civilization, Weinland was secretly squirreling away $4.4 million in unreported church income — including cozy little Swiss bank accounts. Apparently, the Two Witnesses needed offshore tax havens to survive the end times.
In 2012, a federal jury took a leisurely but prophetic 3 1/2 hours to see through the nonsense and convict him on five counts of tax evasion. Boom — 42 months in federal prison, a nice fat fine (a deliberate prophetic sentence by the judge of 3 1/2 years), and over $245,000 in restitution. Mr. “I’m God’s Prophet” had to self-surrender to Terre Haute Federal Correctional Institution in 2013 like a common grifter.
Congratulations, Ron. You did it. You became the first major Church of God splinter-group leader in history to serve time as a convicted felon. In a movement already overflowing with kooks, failed prophets, and con artists, you managed to hit a new low. Truly, the Mount Everest of embarrassing legacies. While your followers were selling their stuff and waiting for the apocalypse, you were playing “hide the tithe money” like a budget-level televangelist who got caught.
The Real Danger: Why This Fraud Is Poison to Real Christians
Here’s the blunt truth: Ronald Weinland is a straight-up spiritual predator who endangers real Christians by dragging them into a toxic cult of personality built on lies. He steals their money, wastes their lives on endless false deadlines, and isolates them from actual biblical Christianity while he and his family live high on the hog. Every failed prophecy doesn’t just embarrass him — it crushes sincere believers, leaves families broke and broken, and mocks the genuine hope of Christ’s return. This convicted felon isn’t “preparing for the Kingdom of God.” He’s building a personal piggy bank and calling it prophecy. Real Christians don’t follow ex-cons who can’t get a single date right. They follow Jesus. Weinland is Exhibit A of why the Bible warns about false prophets: stay far away, or you’ll lose your faith, your finances, and your future to a grifter who already proved he belongs behind bars, not behind a pulpit.
Silent Pilgrim
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