Well, good Sabbath afternoon brethren. Beautiful weather we're having here today. Thanks for moving the lamp over, and please turn off the TV. Thank you very much, and take the dog out.
Well, would you all move the coffee table and rise. Turn with me in whatever hymnal you have to Onward Armstrong Church of God, a very fitting song these days for sure, Onward Armstrong Church of God.
I said PLEASE SOMEONE TAKE THAT DOG OUT!
Ahem. *raises arms*
All together. You, please sing softly, because you can't hold a tune in a bucket. *smiles*
Here we go.
Onward, Armstrong Church of God
In hotel room doors
With the word of Herbert
Groups of three or four
Herb, their royal Master,
Word against the world,
All the other ministers,
Eyebrows strongly furled,
(Chorus)
Onward, Armstrong Church of God
Not knowing where to go
With the word of Herbert
Whimpered out the door.
Like a puny whoopee cushion (6-year old laughs)
Moves the Splinter cults
Fighting with each other
How are they adults?
They are so divided
Ripped and torn to see
Broken up and Fractured up
What a joke to see
Onward, Armstrong Church of God
Groups of three or four
With the word of Herbert
Whimpered out the door.
*THE DOG IS BARKING AT THE BACK DOOR! PLEASE LET HIM IN AND TAKE HIM TO THE KENNEL DOWNSTAIRS!!* *Ahem*....
Onward, then, ye Armstrongites;
Join our grumpy throng.
Blend with ours your voices
In the Dwighty song:
Stubble, Coals of Juniper
Through the windows leap
3 to 5 more years to go,
so says prophecy...
Onward, Armstrong Church of God
Groups of three or four
With the word of Herbert
Whimpered out the door.
BEAUTIFUL BEGINNING, BRETHREN!
Sorry about the lawnmower, today's mowing day for the neighbor.............
Now let's turn to another hymn, "No, We Never Said That, That's Not What We Meant".
submitted by SHT
I'm confused. By this post, are we saying its wrong to keep Sabbath services in our home?
ReplyDeleteSheesh, Sam. This post is satire. It’s a parody. Laugh, willya?
DeleteCOGS of the future will desperately need either Virtual Reality church, or perhaps ROBOT AI imitation presenters.
ReplyDeleteImagine , long after Pack, Thiel, Flurry, Weinland have reached "room temperature" that they will have an andoroid "double" presenting and giving endless series of doctrinal drivel FOREVER!
Sounds like a good premise for a classic "Twilight Zone" episode!
"Where two sit together to study the Torah, the Shekinah rests between them" (Mishna).
ReplyDeleteI went to a COG house group 2 times. Hell will freeze over before I ever do such a thing again! Just because 2 or more are gathered together does NOT mean the Holy Spirit is present!
ReplyDelete
Delete“I went to a COG house group 2 times. Hell will freeze over before I ever do such a thing again! Just because 2 or more are gathered together does NOT mean the Holy Spirit is present!”
What happened there? I’m really curious to know.
Imagine , long after Pack, Thiel, Flurry, Weinland have reached "room temperature" that they will have an andoroid "double" presenting and giving endless series of doctrinal drivel FOREVER!
ReplyDeleteIsn't this already pretty much what Mark Armstrong is doing with his father GTA's ministry?
Back in the day when people were trying to go their own way after the changes, I went to a few in-home services. The word I would use was AWKWARD. In most cases there was a hierarchy trying to be established. I even “tried”, at one point, to help some start a church and it went sour real quick. I could sense that I was not welcome. I finally just quit altogether. Too bad I waited so long.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine, this must have been what first century house churches were like too. Except it was in the middle east, so there was even more drama. And misogyny was built in, so there were even more creepers.
ReplyDeleteIn most cases there was a hierarchy trying to be established.
ReplyDeleteThis is the fruit of Armstrongism. When ordinary Protestants come together to start a church, there of course will be personality conflicts and politics, but usually there's some degree of brotherhood and teamwork and there are goals that extend beyond the church members (e.g. community service, educating members' children, helping the poor) as well as goals to stimulate fellowship among the members. The minister is in one sense the leader, but he (or she) is also accountable to a board or to the congregation as a whole.
The ACOGs can't operate that way. Somebody has to be the one in charge, and there is usually a battle (overt or covert) to hold that role. Because of this, there is much less genuine fellowship and much less energy left over for Christian good works beyond the walls of the ACOG congregation. Some rare few independent groups overcome these tendencies for a few years, but the pattern is VERY hard to overcome.
Anon at 2:31 says " Isn't this already pretty much what Mark Armstrong is doing with his father GTA's ministry?"
ReplyDeleteYEP! One time, at a time AFTER Teds death, I left the TV on while I went to sleep. I woke up at something like 3 in the morning, and Ted was on the TV proclaiming "you are not an immortal soul, you CAN NOT communicate with the dead!" and here I was with GTA, a "dead guy," communicating to me! LOL!
All ACOG's are COTLD. (Churches Of The Living Dead!)
DeleteWe have a small group, four in total, and it goes extremely well.
ReplyDelete"Where two sit together to study the Torah, the Shekinah rests between them" (Mishnah).
Wow you can't win can you? Ministers are bastards so you stay home. But then you are a bastard for having people over at your own home because you can't run a service as good as a minister.
ReplyDeleteWe should be encouraging people to meet in homes you insensitive juvenile weasel stompers.
This is the right direction not the wrong direction. Show some support you tightwad loosers who have nothing better to do than complain about random people you have never met. Or if you did you didn't have the guts to help or correct them.
I've been to a number of home gatherings and have successfully enjoyed various expeiences without complaining like a total spoiled pampered rich baby.
Grow a pair and stand up for your beliefs. That is the benefit of home groups we can speak the truth openly and freely.
If you don't like the truth keep complaing like a coward. It's good to be able to identifying you easily. If you do care for the truth share what you found with others. Encourage others to stay strong and keep changing things until we are all back together again without corporate overlords and moronic traditions.
What the hell is wrong with some of you people? It is a parody! It is not meant to be true, though in Armstrongism it comes really close. Some of you take yourself far too seriously and you end up looking like fools.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't a parody at all. I've been to home groups that mimic HWA services exactly. It awkward and sad and its just like described.
DeleteMoronic traditions:
ReplyDeleteMust wear suit and tie - because that is what Jesus wore - NO - we did not get our traditions from Jesus.
Must listen to boring sermons because Jesus was boring - NO - His recorded messages are interesting - and short and to the point.
Jesus said His disciple would heal the sick - where are they? I have a backlog of healings.
11:17
ReplyDeleteWow! Name calling? What an example you set! I wouldn’t want to be in YOUR in-home service. Why, you, with a scowl on your face, encouraging people? Yeah, right. Cog people just have no sense of humor.
Yes I have a sense of humor. You didn't like my "weasel stomping" diatribe? Maybe you don't have a sense of humor. Amazing.
DeleteIt doesn’t matter where or what size venue Armstrongism is being taught in. It is still bogus and inflicts the same damage. Although someone may start out as being altruistic in teaching or studying it, eventually it corrupts the participants.
ReplyDeleteThe people whom I would acknowledge as being commendable would be those who came to the realization that it was a defective system, and began exploring alternatives together. Frankly, that would only be a series of first steps, because the participants might actually end up taking different paths and finding different solutions.
Hopefully, the new solutions would be Christ-centered, but for the immediate present and future the most important action would be simply leaving the falseness and spiritual corruption of Armstrongism, and beginning a rebuilding process.
BB
"Onward, then, ye Armstrongites;
ReplyDeleteJoin our grumpy throng.
Blend with ours your voices
In the Dwighty song..."
OMG, this is so funny! Even though it's August, these words have caused me to have the BESTEST PREMATUREST FEAST EVER!!!
I don't know whether to stop eating altogether, or to double down on matzo sandwiches while scrubbing people's feets.
The "Dwighty song" makes me want to observe ALL the holy days at once!
nothing wrong with meeting in homes...that's how the Church started.
ReplyDeletethere are always some with less that pure motives, but you can't let that turn you off...don't associate with them, find those who are meeting for the right reason.
Much prefer the at home studies/services. The more concern you have making it a replacement for Armstrong church traditions, the less successful you will be. Christian home groups whose members are not afraid of being rejected for understanding something differently and who can even voice concerns about their own spiritual lives are typically rewarding.
ReplyDeleteIt saddens me that adults do not accept that the Lord works with them as much as the ministers and that they are capable of providing spiritual wisdom if they allow the holy Spirit to work in them. The COGWA splinter has their winter family weekend and some of the fathers got wind that some of the teen boys were getting angry with one or more other teen boys. These fathers and other adults decided the thing to do was to just stand guard so additional teen boys wouldn't join the potential fray. Heaven forbid that they show a little spiritual leadership and wisdom and actually speak to the teens rather than just stand guard to make sure no one is ganged up on. Just seems to lack the Spirit of God at this gathering.
ReplyDeleteOnward, then, ye Armstrongites;
ReplyDeleteJoin our grumpy throng.
Blend with ours your voices
In the Dwighty song:
hilarious, SHT! Well done! First time I lol'd here.
Been to so many services in all varieties, and the weirdest still weirdly seem more normal than any lovely cathedral might.
Can't help wanting a second version of the chorus as we always used a different musical term at home in private:
Onward, then, ye Armstrongites;
Join our grumpies, merge.
Blend with ours your voices
In the Dwighty dirge:
LMT
This entry reminded me of something a fellow worker at AC Press shared with me many years ago. He was telling some of us (as was one of the WCG customs) how he came into the church. A close personal friend had invited him to Bible Study. He described it in the way that all of us had experienced, in that "Here was a guy, sitting on stage at the front of the hall, with his briefcase, his glass of water, and his Bible, calmly answering any questions members of the audience sent up. He seemed to have pretty much all of the answers to a wide variety of questions, and backed them up with verses from the Bible."
ReplyDeleteOur friend made a very insightful comment into one possible motivation for coming into the church, and into his own character when he added, "And of course, I saw myself some day in the future, sitting at the front of a hall in my suit, with my Bible, my water, and my briefcase, answering peoples' questions." It was funny how all of that played out, because when the grand daddy of all the splintering broke out in 1974, this guy started attending Dr. Martin's meetings, and was attempting to teach what he learned there to all of us, whether we wanted to hear them or not. Some listened as a matter of courtesy, but nobody followed him to Dr. Martin's meetings. When the press was sold, and then shut down about a year later, the guy first became a private investigator, and then a police officer. Teaching and authority were apparently very important to him. In that sense, he was typical of many who were attracted to Armstrongism.
BB