Once upon a time, in the hilariously hyper-fractured multiverse of Armstrongism—where church splits proliferate like prayed over casseroles that miraculously never seem to go empty at an endless Holy Day buffet, and every single group swears on Herbert's grave that they alone are the pure Philadelphian jackpot winners—there emerged a colossus named Bob Thiel. Bob wasn't some humble pork-avoiding prophecy hobbyist. Heck no! He was the Naturopath Napoleon of the End Times, armed with a shiny online PhD in nutrition, a veritable fortress of self-published prophecy epics (each one an Amazon "bestseller" in the niche category of "Books Only My Mom Buys"), and a rock-solid, divinely certified belief that God had personally Zoom-called him for the ultimate role: Prophet Kingpin, Elijah 4.0 – supercharged with herbs, dreams, and unlimited prophecy extensions!
Bob spent decades as the ultimate backseat driver in the Living Church of God (LCG), playing the ultimate doctrinal proofreader—emailing nitpicks like a prophecy-powered Grammarly bot—while dropping mega-hints: "Fellas, I might have God's private hotline. No biggie." and mega-winks like: "Brothers, I may be the guy God’s been saving for the final push. Hint, hint."
Then, in December 2011, what was assumed to be a routine oil-anointing before heading into a meeting with Rod Meredith, minister Gaylyn Bonjour went rogue Old Testament freestyle and begged God for Bob to get a double portion of the Holy Spirit so that the might speak words prophetically, however Bob later reinterpreted this as a biblical hand-off of HWA's mantle and thus became the endtimes biblical Elijah/Elisha mantle handoff, but with way more unintended consequences. Because why pray for basic wise words when you can accidentally turbocharge someone's ego into splinter-orbit?
Bob, master decoder of divine signs and wildly interpreted dreams, took this as God's blazing billboard in Times Square: "BOB THIEL: ANOINTED PROPHET – NOW WITH DOUBLE THE SPIRIT AND ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY!" But when LCG didn't immediately bow down, proclaim him Supreme Overseer, and rewrite their booklets per his edits, Bob was utterly devastated. "They reject my masterful exegesis on the King of the South!" he wailed dramatically. "My herbal defenses against the Beast's nano-chips! My prophecies that are 100% spot-on... after generous divine postponements, revisions, and fine-print asterisks!"
So, on December 28, 2012—strategically timed for maximum end-of-world buzz (and optimal post-Christmas deductions)—Bob dropped the mic and founded his crowning achievement: the Continuing Church of God (CCOG). The one and only legitimate Philadelphia remnant, single-handedly "continuing" Herbert's work while the rest of the COG universe apparently binge-watched Laodicean Netflix.
Starting a church solo is brutal, but Bob wielded the ultimate cheat code: dreams. Not ordinary dreams—platinum-tier, verified divine dreams from ecstatic supporters! A New Zealand woman dreams Bob leading a supernova work. A man in Africa also dreams a dream. And explosion achieved! Mostly in Africa, where over 10,000 faithful church hopped from other COG groups and SDA churches, for gratis PDFs, laptops, cars, budget animated sermons (starring clipart ten-horned beasts that look like they escaped Microsoft PowerPoint 1997), and a leader who nailed pandemics, beasts, and European superstates... give or take a few years and adjustments.
Splinter snarks fired back: "Dreams? Next, he'll divine through turmeric lattes and one-star Amazon rebuttals!" But Bob? Unfazed. He blasted out tens of thousands of cogwriter.com rants, decoding everything from the Virgin of Guadalupe "lying wonders" to Halloween paganism to why digital IDs are totally the Mark of the Beast (coming 2026, maybe). He vehemently rejected "false prophet" labels—his forecasts aren't wrong; they're just beta-testing God's flexible scheduling app.
Bob modestly self-crowned himself as Overseer, Pastor, Double-Portion Dynamo, Chief Dream Interpreter, and Sole Arbiter of the Final Warning Work, tirelessly restoring those priceless "18 truths" which were later expanded to include a myriad of his ideas—plus his patented top-down command structure (with him as the eternal, unassailable apex predator).
From his throne room, Bob beholds his dominion of fever-dream videos, multilingual PDFs decrying everything from AI Antichrists to comet calamities, and daily blogs linking every headline to "soon-coming fulfillment," and beams with prophetic pride. "At long last," he declares, "a church that's authentically continuing—while the others eternally pause, snooze in lukewarm luxury, or splinter into oblivion."
And so the Continuing Church of God charges eternally forward—dreaming colossal, double-portioning extravagantly, prophesying with endless wiggle room, animating beasts on a dime, and hypocritically correcting Catholics, Protestants, governments, scientists, and every last COG competitor—one delayed doomsday, one herbal miracle, one apparition debunking at a time. Praise ye the Lord O, Praise ye the Lord O, anoint with the oil, and avoid the pork forevermore!
Glory, hallelujah, and hold the shrimp!
Silent Pilgrim
Bob Thiel is a prime example of the dreadful standard of many a Minister in today's godless and selfish society.
ReplyDeleteBlinded by his own arrogance and addicted to his own pride, he does whatever is right in his own eyes, blames others on a dime and charges on ahead with his own deluded prohecies.
Meanwhile the sheep are left wandering about without any proper shepherds, with no vision and crumbling churches. The sheep shepherd themselves.
So what is the point of these "Bob Thiels" being in church ?