Dennis On "Questions About The Crucifixion"

Questions Your Pastor Might Hate Around Easter and Passover

Having asked a few questions about the birth narratives of Jesus (Part 2), it is as good a time as ever to ask some about the last days of Jesus and his resurrection.


Question. Pastor...Hebrews 9:22 says that just about everything is purified with blood and that without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sins. Ewww...What's with all the blood and why can't God just say, "Ok, that sounds very sincere, I forgive you?"


Question. Pastor...Why don't Christians keep Passover instead of Easter? Doesn't the New Testament make Jesus death a Passover event, like the Lamb of God? (I Corinthians 5:6-8), or was he the Bunny of God? I don't understand how separating Passover by an Equinox, one full moon and the next sunday after as being what was going on there. I mean Christ is our Passover, not our Easter Bunny right?


Question. Pastor...When Jesus needed a donkey to ride on into Jerusalem, Mark 11:2-7 and Luke 19:30-35 say that Jesus intructed the disciples to bring one animal. In Matthew 21:2-6, they are told to bring two, And in John 12:14 Jesus doesn't tell anyone to go get one, he does it himself. Which is it?


Question. Pastor... Mark 11:7, Luke 19:35 and John 12:14 have Jesus riding one animal which is to be expected but Matthew 21:7 has Jesus riding two at the same time! I think Matthew read his Old Testament prophecy wrong about how this would work when he mistook the wording of Zechariah 9:9 for a description of two animals when it was just one to begin with. Wasn't the Donkey a colt, the foal of an ass so to speak and not a donkey and a colt as Matthew thinks? Seems like a pretty big mistake to me. Of course, Matthew is prone to these overreachings as we have already talked about and this one seems to catch up with him. Or am I wrong?


Question. Pastor...Jesus is said to have turned over the tables of the moneychangers in the temple. First of all, why? The money was required to be changed from dirty pagan money to temple money to preserve the purity of the place. What's wrong with that? And wasn't that a rather suicidal stunt to begin with, I mean at Passover with tensions aready pretty high over other issues of the Roman occupation?  Also,
Question. Pastor...Mark 11:15-17, Matthew 21:12-13 and Luke 19:45-46 say that this event occurred at the end of Jesus ministry, just before he was arrested. But John 2: 13-16 says it happened much earlier in at the very beginning of Jesus ministry. That's not a minor mistake is it? Which is it? Was on a practice run to see what would happen?


Question. Pastor...About this same time, Jesus went looking for some figs to eat and finding none, Jesus curses the tree and it withers. John and Luke don't mention it, but Mark 11:20-21 says that the disciples didn't notice the tree withered until the next day on a return trip. But Matthew 21:19-20 says that they saw it wither right then and were amazed. Well I would be to! But they can't both be right. On top of that, it even admits that the reason for no figs was that it wasn't fig season. Isn't that like me getting angry at a watermelon field in the winter? I do know that maybe the point was that just as fig trees without figs deserve to wither, so Temples without good fruit do too, but still it not being fig time and two different stories mean it either didn't happen at all and is just a way to make a point, or if it did happen, someone goofed. Of course, one could argue that fig trees that don't have figs due to it not being time for figs don't deserve to be withered . What happened to dunging and digging around it for three years to give a chance?


Question. Pastor...Next Jesus has his feet anointed, or his head depending on the story. Mark 14:3 and Matthew 26:6-13 say that it was at house of a leper named Simon in Bethany. Luke 7:36-38 says it was in the home of a Pharisee in Galilee. That's a long way from Bethany. Was this a leperous Pharisee named Simon who had a summer home in Galilee? They can't both be right unless he got anointed twice in different places. Also, Mark and Matthew say Jesus was anointed with oil poured over his head, but Luke and John say his feet. Which was it and please don't tell me it was both and these men are like four people seeing an accident!


Question. Pastor...Why do Mark, Matthew and Luke not know who the woman was, but John 12:3 says it was Mary? And the reactions! Mark says that some got angry at the unnamed woman who anoints Jesus and Matthew 26:8 says it was the disciples who get angry at the woman. Luke 7:3-9 says some Pharisee get's upset because the woman is a sinner, like they weren't. John 12:4-5 is the only one who says it is Judas who gets angry, and then imputes his motive as being the thieving treasurer of the group. I know, all of the above right? It's Judas we remember the most I guess.


A few questions about the Last Supper


Question. Pastor...In Mark 14:17-21, Matthew 26:20-25 and John 13:21-30 Jesus predicts for the disciples that he will be betrayed before they actually take communion. But in Luke 22:21-23 Jesus predicts this after communion. Can't both be right, right?


Question. Pastor...Mark 14:30 tells us that Peter would deny Jesus before the cock crowed twice. Why then does Matthew 26:34, Luke 22:34 and John 13:38 tell us that Peter would deny Jesus before the cock crowed at all? Since Jesus is the one doing the prediction, just what did he predict? When it finally happened, Mark 14:72 says the cock crowed twice. Matthew 26:74 said it was once, and both Luke and John don't mention any cock crowing. What happened?


Question. Pastor...I have a few questions about this notorious Judas whose name has become a synonym for betrayal in our culture. If Jesus had to die to be our Savior, why do we care who and how Jesus was betrayed to be crucified? It had to be so wasn't Judas just helping things along?


Question. Pastor...Why does Matthew 19:28 say that all Twelve Disciples would sit on Thrones in the Kingdom of God and Judas was surely among this number. I mean by the time Matthew wrote the book, he would know about how Judas messed up and didn't make it wouldn't he?


Question. Pastor...Why did Paul write in I Corinthians 15:5 that Jesus appeared to "the Twelve" after his resurrection when Judas was said to have already have committed suicide by then. If Jesus had appeared to him too, why would Jesus not thank him for playing his part and forgive him? Did Paul know of the story told in the newly discovered "Book of Judas," which says that Jesus had Judas betray him according to plan and that Judas was one the best disciples?


Question. Pastor...When did Satan enter into Judas to betray Judas. Was it before the Last Supper as Luke 22:3-6 says? Was it during the Supper, as John 13:27 says, or was it not at all, or at least nothing worth mentioning in Matthew and Mark? And if Satan finally got a hold of him, then could he even help it?


Question. Pastor...Concerning these thirty pieces of silver as the payment to Judas for betraying Jesus. Did Judas throw it down at the Priests as Matthew 27:6-8 says, and walks away, or did he buy some land as we read in Acts 1:18? And why did Mark, Luke and John not know this story? I could ask why Matthew's "thus it was fulfilled" in Matthew 27:9-10 was attributed to Jeremiah but is really from Zechariah 11:12-13, but we all know how Matthew thinks by now about rummaging around in the Old Testament to find quotes that make up his story.


Question. Pastor...Why does Mark 14:44-46 and Matthew 26:49-50 say that Jesus was betrayed with the kiss and arrested, but John 18:2-9 Jesus volunteers to indentify himself and no kiss is mentioned? And as long as we're on it...why on earth did the Romans have no clue which guy was Jesus in the first place? I thought he had ridden into Jerusalem in Triumph just a few days earlier and been teaching in Jerusalem to thousands doing amazing things for one year or three, depending? How can you not know which one was Jesus? Was it too dark?


Question. Pastor...Why does Matthew 27:6-8 say that the Priests bought the land and it gets it name "field of blood" because it was purchased with Judas blood money, which I assume is for the blood of Jesus, when Acts 1:18 says it is called that because Judas fell down and his blood and guts spilled out on that piece of property? Would that not be the "field of guts"....just kidding Pastor! How come Matthew is the only one to mention all this? Oh and how does Judas die anyway? Of course he hangs himself according to Matthew 27:5, but according to Acts 1:18 he fall down and splits open. Mark, Luke and John don't mention this either. I don't think they would leave him hanging until the rope broke do you? I mean weren't Jewish people sensitive about that kind of thing?


Question. Pastor...Why if Judas betrayed Jesus once, and Peter denied Jesus three times, does Peter get forgiven, reinstated and made Pope, or whatever and Judas goes to hell for all eternity or whatever? Is it just because Peter did not hang himself too, or fall down so that his guts burst out?


Question. Pastor...Ok, enough about Judas. I'd like to ask about Peter taking a swing with a sword at the servant of the High Priest who also was there at Jesus arrest and taking his ear off. Did Peter intend to kill the poor guy and why not take a swing at the High Priest or the Romans? I guess it was safer to chop off the ear of a nobody than a somebody?


Question. Pastor...Mark 14:47, Matthew 36:51 and John 18:10 say the ear stayed chopped off, which would be normal. . But Luke 22:50-51 says that Jesus put it back on. You'd think that the other three would have noted this miracle. I can see watching an accident and debating who came from what direction or how fast, but I think all the witnesses would notice Peter trying to cleave someone's head who ducked and Jesus replacing the smitten ear. Or did the three that didn't say anything about this just feel they would leave this to John to report? I don't think it would work that way.


Question. Pastor..Speaking of swords. Did Jesus, in Matthew 26:52 tell them that "he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword" and get rid of the things, or did Jesus tell them, as in Luke 22:36-38 to buy swords? And of course, Mark and John don't seem to be into weapons at all.


Question. Pastor...We all know the famous "Give us Barabbas" story. (Mark 15:11) Don't you think it is such a coincidence that Jesus is called the "King of the Jews" by the Romans. Or at least that is what is going to be put on the sign over his head on the cross. And this "Barabbas" name means "Son of the Father? Bar means "son" and "Abba" means "father," so see what I mean? Is it possible that Barabbas and Jesus were the same person and Pilate was asking the crowd, "do we crucify the King and political threat to Rome and thus to you, or the religious guy and not much of a threat to Rome, it's up to you? Could not Pilate be saying, "Choose carefully because your answer depends on whether I crucify all of you too?" I don't see the wishy washy Pilate of this account in history. He was pretty darn ruthless according to others besides Mark. Anyway, the crowd wants the "Bar Abbas," the Son of God or Son of the Father released, and that seems not to be a problem with Pilate. Bu t Jesus, "King of the Jews," since they have no King but Caesar, is to be crucified which is fine with them. Isn't it more a tale of the people defining the Jesus they want killed so Pilate doesn't kill them for insurrection? What do you think? Pretty cool huh? Did you know that in early copies of Mark, Barabbas is called Jesus Barabbas? But maybe that was too obvious, so we don't see it in later copies. That would make Barabbas, "Jesus Son of the Father." Whoa!


Question. Pastor...See, my other problem with the Barabbas story would be then just who was really crucified and who was let go? If it was someone called Jesus, the son of the Father was let go, and another Jesus, the King of the Jews died, then did the right savior die? Oh well. I can't imagine this being two separate men can you? Or big time coincidence for sure!


Question:  Pastor...have you ever heard of Astro-Theology and the common story, just like Jesus, of the Sun Gods?  You want me to leave your office now?   Well..ok...just asking....

Dennis C. Diehl
DenniscDiehl@aol.com

The End is Nigh

Here is a great little resource on hundreds of failed end time predictions throughout history.  The listings are from creation to 4990 BCE and on out to 4,500,000,000 years from now.  Will Meredith and Flurry's little groups still be spitting out warnings by then?

THE END pick a year

A Knock At The Door

This story reminds me so much of the mindset that is prevalent in Armstrongism.  

Particularly in Flurryism, Meredithism, Packism and Malmism.

____________

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
 
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain connections."
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't drink.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2. And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has  been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
 
Mary blushes.  


John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.  


John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


Shamelessly filched from The Christian Heretic Blog