How Four Random Street Signs Convinced Grown Adults They Were on Holy Ground

Over the decades, the Church of God has been blessed with an endless parade of crackpots, each one more unhinged than the last, peddling their precious pet theories, wild speculations, and outright bald-faced lies. It’s this proud tradition of gullibility and zero discernment that has allowed modern con artists like Bob Thiel and Dave Pack to flourish, happily vacuuming up whatever few desperate, wide-eyed followers they can find. Nothing says “led by the Holy Spirit” quite like flocking to the newest liar with a website and a printing press.

Liars have always found the most fertile, well-fertilized ground in the Church of God. It’s practically their spiritual homeland. We’ve endured generations of lying false prophets who knew the exact timeline of end-time prophecy — every single time. (They were wrong, of course, but the next one will definitely be right. Just wait.)

We’ve had genuine crackpots who stood up and declared that four egrets in front of the Auditorium were about to come alive, grab the whole building, and fly it to Petra like some divinely sanctioned Uber, with a fifth egret acting as celestial navigator. And yes, some actual functioning adults left the church to follow this majestic egret-based theology. Truly, the finest minds at work.

Then there was that absolute masterpiece of biblical exegesis floating around Pasadena when I got to college: the unshakable belief that God Himself had personally branded the campus with His sacred name through — wait for it — street signs.

Green Street, Orange Grove, Del Mar, St. John

First letters? G-O-D-S.

GODS.

God’s campus. God’s church. God’s holy vending machines. Some genius actually convinced people this was divine proof. Because obviously the Creator of the Universe moonlights as a city planner in Southern California.

But here’s the real kicker — the biting truth they never want to admit: flip those letters around and it spells DOGS.

And honestly? That makes way more sense. God didn’t claim that campus — He let the dogs have it. The whole thing has been one big theological dog park for decades. A place where every stray crackpot theory could run around off-leash, hump each other’s legs, and leave little steaming piles of false prophecy wherever they pleased.

And the funniest part? That “God’s campus” belief is still limping along today as a housing development and a College-Prep private school, even though the Almighty apparently looked at the property, said “Yeah, I’m out,” and abandoned it decades ago like a bad blind date. But sure, keep clutching those street names, folks. Divine endorsement never looked so… canine.

Maybe this is a prophetic truth that will allow Samuel Kitchen to buy the Ambassador Auditorium and HWA's mansion. This is the COG after all, anything is possible.

What an absolutely stellar, rational, and spirit-led organization this has been. 

Peak 1st Century Christianity. .

Divine Nepotism at Its Finest: The Weinland Holy Church of God Family – Where the End Times Meet Tax Evasion

 Divine Nepotism at Its Finest: 

The Weinland Holy Church of God Family – Where the End Times Meet Tax Evasion

Did you know that God's mighty redemptive purpose for all creation has culminated in one very special, very felonious family? Forget dusty old prophets, ancient apostles, or that whole Jesus guy. No, the Almighty has finally gotten with the times and chosen Felon Ron Weinland and his family as the ultimate expression of His will. Jesus be damned – the Weinlands are the truth, the way, and apparently the very expensive lifestyle to salvation! 
God's purpose for mankind, you see, is for all to have the potential to become part of His Family. And what better way to emphasize "family values" after 6,000 years than by funneling everything through one cozy nuclear unit? Enter Ronald and Laura Weinland, God's two end-time witnesses straight out of Revelation 11. They didn't just appear on the scene at the very end of the end-time – they arrived fashionably late, after a few failed doomsday predictions and a federal indictment or two. Humble beginnings? Please. This is premium, first-class apocalypse. 
As part of this grand emphasis on family (because apparently God ran out of qualified non-relatives), both children have been divinely slotted into key roles. Their daughter Audra has been ordained a prophet – just like Deborah in the time of the Judges! She's been placed to serve over the Church in the U.K., Ireland, and continental Europe. What a coincidence that this holy calling aligns so perfectly with handling church finances in ways that... let's just say raised eyebrows in court. A money-laundering daughter/prophet? God's ways are mysterious, but the IRS's are meticulously documented. 
Then there's son Jeremy, ordained as an evangelist to God's Church. The Bible doesn't specify that evangelists need a passion for fast, expensive cars, but who are we to question divine taste? A BMW-loving son spreading the gospel – truly, the chariot of the modern age. While Dad was busy being a witness, Junior was out there witnessing... premium German engineering, apparently. 

God’s purpose for mankind is for all to have the potential to become part of His Family. Therefore, God is once again emphasizing the importance of family just as He has at other times throughout the past 6,000 years through those with whom He has worked. So God is now working through Ronald and his wife, Laura, to be His two end-time witnesses written about in Revelation 11 who appear on the scene at the very end of the end-time. 

As part of God’s purpose to emphasize the importance of family, He has also prepared and placed both of their children into important areas of service within His Church. Their daughter, Audra, has been ordained a prophet, even as Deborah was a prophet in the time of the Judges of Israel, and she has been placed to serve over the Church in the U.K., Ireland, and continental Europe. Their son, Jeremy, has been ordained to serve as an evangelist to God’s Church.

There you have it, folks! A convicted tax evader, his prophetic wife, a money-laundering daughter, and a dim-witted son with a lead foot for luxury rides. God's greatest instruments ever created:

• Felon Ron: The original end-time witness who couldn't quite get the end times to stick to the schedule but nailed the "creative accounting" part.
• Witless Witness #2, wife Laura: Standing faithfully by her man through thick, thin, and federal prison sentences.
• Money-laundering daughter/prophet Audra: Deborah 2.0, but with better offshore opportunities.
• Dim-witted Jeremy, evangelist and lover of fast expensive cars: Because nothing says "prepare for the Kingdom" like burning rubber on tithe-funded tires.

Do not mock them, dear reader, or you mock God Himself! Questioning how a family could blow through millions in church donations on diamonds, gold, luxury vehicles, and lavish living while preaching imminent doom? That's just Satan talking. Or common sense. Same difference in this crowd. 
In the Weinland Holy Church of God Family, salvation isn't about faith, works, or even showing up to services. It's about recognizing that the Creator of the Universe looked down at all of humanity and said, "You know what? Let's go with these guys." The rest of us? Just background extras in the Weinland redemption arc.
Praise be to the Holy Family – may their next prophecy finally stick, or at least their bookkeeping. Amen (and please make checks payable to... well, you know the drill).

The Fortified Enclaves of Big Sandy: Where Padlocks Preach Louder Than Sermons

Ah, Big Sandy, Texas—once a bustling mecca for the faithful throngs of the Worldwide Church of God. Picture it in its glory days: thousands of church members, wide-eyed college students from Ambassador College, and a whole ecosystem built around Herbert W. Armstrong’s prophetic empire. Sabbaths hummed with activity, Feast sites overflowed, and the air crackled with certainty that this was the one true remnant church, the Philadelphia era holding the line against the Laodicean hordes. 

Fast-forward through the great implosion of the Worldwide Church of God. Doctrinal earthquakes, leadership scandals, splinter groups multiplying like rabbits on steroids, and poof—most of the crowd evaporated. The grand campus dreams shrank, the student body dwindled to a shadow, and the once-vibrant religious boomtown settled into a quiet, somewhat awkward afterlife. Yet, in true Armstrongist fashion, a stubborn remnant clings on. Scattered across the piney woods and red dirt roads of this modest East Texas town, a handful of true believers still shuffle into services at various Church of God franchises—each one claiming the purest slice of Armstrong’s doctrinal pie.

Here’s the kicker that had Facebook buzzing: 

In a town with a population you could probably fit into a decent-sized Walmart on a slow Saturday, there are ten churches. Ten. Several of them proudly flying the COG flag in its myriad flavors—Living Church of God, United Church of God, Church of God (whatever the latest acronym is this week), and all the other boutique offshoots. You’d think a place with that kind of spiritual density would be rolling out the welcome mat, flinging open the doors, and shouting “Come on in, sinners and seekers alike!”

But no. These aren’t your average Sunday-morning Protestant setups. These are the real churches. The ones who know they’re the tiny flock, the elect, the ones who actually get it. And getting it, apparently, requires industrial-grade paranoia.

While the “harlot daughters of Babylon”—those sloppy, gate-unlocked churches filled with so-called Christians—casually leave their sanctuaries accessible like some kind of spiritual free clinic, the COG congregations in Big Sandy have gone full fortress mode. Padlocks. On the gates. Heavy, serious, “do not enter” padlocks. Because nothing says “We have the truth that will save the world” quite like making sure the world can’t actually get within spitting distance of your folding chairs and potluck tables.

This isn’t a new development. Armstrongism has always been marinated in fear. From the very beginning, the movement treated outsiders like potential carriers of doctrinal Ebola. Every Sabbath service had its designated bouncers: stern deacons and burly “strong men” stationed at the entrances like ecclesiastical Secret Service. Their sacred mission? Keep out the unwashed masses from those false churches. God forbid some confused Baptist or curious Pentecostal wander in without having first devoured Mystery of the Ages, The United States and Britain in Prophecy, or one of the other poorly ghostwritten booklets that served as theological visas.

Imagine the horror: a visitor showing up without proper indoctrination! They might ask awkward questions. They might notice the contradictions. They might—worst of all—disagree. Better to lock the gate, station the guards, and preach another sermon about how everyone else is deceived by Satan while the true saints huddle inside, congratulating themselves on their exclusivity.

The padlocks of Big Sandy aren’t just hardware; they’re theology made visible. They scream, “We are so special, so targeted by the devil, so dangerously correct that we must physically barricade ourselves from human contact.” Other churches see their buildings as community resources. COG groups see theirs as bunkers. One group fears declining attendance and tries outreach. The other fears increasing attendance—from the wrong people—and doubles down on the deadbolts.

It’s almost comical in its self-defeating irony. A movement that once dreamed of ruling the world during the Millennium now struggles to let people past a chain-link fence on a random Saturday. The remnant in Big Sandy sits behind their locks, singing the same hymns, studying the same prophetic charts, and wondering why their numbers keep shrinking—never once considering that maybe, just maybe, the padlocks are part of the problem.

After all, when your primary evangelism strategy is “keep them out until they’ve read the approved literature,” you’re not exactly positioned for explosive growth. You’re positioned for a very secure, very small, very lonely echo chamber. Complete with padlocks. 

Welcome to Big Sandy, folks. 

Population: modest. 

Churches: surprisingly many. 

Open hearts: strictly by appointment only.

Crackpot Bob's Divine Self-Promotion Kit: Apostolic Succession, Double Blessings, and Other Prophet-y Things

In the ever-expanding universe of Armstrongist Church of God splinters—where every ambitious minister seems destined to become the next big thing—Bwana Bob of the improperly named "continuing" Church of God stands out as a masterclass in self-justification. He has a new article up about apostolic succession, the passing of the mantle, and gifts of prophecy, which is nothing more than a backslapping self justification article. 
He has crafted an elaborate theological fortress to explain why he left the Living Church of God in a fit of rebellion and why everyone else should now follow him. His case rests on three pillars: an unbroken “laying on of hands” apostolic succession through the COG lineage (not that nasty Roman kind), a magical “double portion” blessing from Gaylyn Bonjour, and his own certified prophet status courtesy of dreams and spiritual gifts. How convenient.
A close inspection reveals the usual Armstrongist cocktail: circular reasoning, creative eisegesis, generous exaggeration, and history bent to fit the narrative. Let’s dissect this masterpiece of ministerial marketing.1. Apostolic Succession Through “Laying on of Hands” in COG Lineage (Because Rome Can’t Have All the Cool Traditions)Bwana Bob insists that the real Church of God has preserved apostolic succession via the sacred ritual of laying on of hands, stretching back to the apostles through various obscure groups like the Paulicians. He dusts off old Worldwide Church of God booklets and triumphantly declares that his group, unlike all those other pretenders, holds the true mantle. Unfaithful leaders? They simply lose it. Poof. Mantle gone. Next!
The problems (or, why this doesn’t quite work):
The New Testament, it turns out, never actually describes apostolic succession as some kind of spiritual game of tag passed by hands. Laying on of hands was for practical things like receiving the Spirit, healing, or commissioning people for specifictasks—not for creating an infallible, unbreakable chain of command that magically survives doctrinal rebellion and endless schisms. But why let pesky details like “what the Bible actually says” get in the way of a good succession story?
Bwana Bob's historical claims read like fan fiction. The Paulicians? Selectively romanticized and sprinkled with unverifiable “true church” assertions to fill embarrassing historical gaps. The whole argument collapses into delightful circularity: “My group is the true church because it has the true teachings (as I define them), therefore it has apostolic succession. QED.” When other COG leaders disagree with him, they conveniently lose the mantle—how fortuitous. This is the same governance system Thiel quotes from WCG materials that stress Christ running His Church and removing the unfit. Yet somehow, when Bwana Bob rebels and starts his own group, that principle suddenly means he’s the faithful one. Classic.2. The “Double Blessing” by Gaylyn Bonjour: The Mantle Transfer That Wasn’t (But Totally Was, Trust Him)The crown jewel of Thiel’s origin story is a 2011 anointing by LCG minister Gaylyn Bonjour. In a moment of emotional prayer before meetings with Rod Meredith, Bonjour asked God for a “double portion” of the Spirit—echoing Elisha and Elijah. Bwana Bob has turned this into Exhibit A that the Philadelphia mantle officially passed to him. Bonjour later said nice things about Thiel’s character. Case closed, right?
Not so fast.
Context is a stubborn thing. This was a routine anointing for healing and wisdom, not a secret ordination ceremony crowning the next great prophet. Bonjour has a reputation for being heartfelt in such prayers—apparently for more than just Bwana Bob. Yet somehow only the Bwana received the deluxe Elisha upgrade. How lucky. Even the timing screams convenience: this “mantle” moment arrived right when Bwana Bob was frustrated that LCG wasn’t adopting all his doctrinal corrections. Nothing says “God’s will” quite like using an encouraging prayer as your exit visa after being ignored.
Equating this private prayer to an Old Testament prophetic handover is biblical gymnastics at Olympic levels. Bonjour stayed in LCG. His later affirmations don’t magically validate a split. But why ruin a perfectly good “I’m specially anointed” story with mere facts?3. Claim to Prophetic Office (Dreams, Signs, and Selective Scripture)With succession and the double blessing secured (in his own mind), Bwana Bob declares himself a prophet, complete with dreams, the gift of prophecy (1 Cor. 12:10), and Acts 2:17-18 as his personal job description. Old WCG articles on spiritual gifts are trotted out as supporting evidence.
Weaknesses (or, red flags waving enthusiastically):
Biblical prophets were tested and generally recognized by God’s people—not self-appointed after being rebuked by leadership. Rod Meredith and LCG flatly rejected Bwana Bob's prophetic pretensions. Undeterred, Bwana Bob labels doubters as lazy, Laodicean, or Satan-deceived (Proverbs 26:16 gets weaponized nicely here). Nothing builds credibility like accusing everyone who disagrees with you of spiritual blindness.Dreams and impressions are wonderfully subjective. They require testing against Scripture, not elevation to “thus saith the Lord” status. Yet in Bwana Bob's world, they conveniently confirm exactly what he already believed about his own importance.Why This Kind of Thinking Is Spiritually Toxic and Why Real Christians Should Run the Other WayBwana Bob's elaborate self-justification system is more than just harmless eccentricity—it’s a textbook example of dangerous thinking that Christians should actively avoid. When one man’s private experiences, reinterpretations of casual prayers, and selective history become the foundation for authority, you’ve left solid ground and entered personality-cult territory. The focus subtly (or not so subtly) shifts from Christ to “How special is this leader? Let me count the titles.”
This pattern breeds division, isolation, and misplaced loyalty. Armstrongism’s post-WCG history is littered with similar “mantle” claimants, each certain their group is the One True Remnant while everyone else is doomed. It distracts from the actual gospel, sucks resources into endless end-time speculation, and shields leaders from accountability. After all, who are you to question God’s doubly blessed, prophetically anointed, succession-certified leader?
Real Christianity anchors itself in the clear teaching of Scripture, the finished work of Jesus Christ, and the accountability of the broader body of believers—not unverifiable personal narratives or self-awarded titles. Scripture repeatedly warns about teachers who draw disciples after themselves (Acts 20:29-30) and false prophets who sound very convincing (Matthew 24:11, 24).
Believers would be wise to steer clear of movements built on such shaky, self-referential sand. Instead, fix your eyes on Jesus, test everything against the Word, and leave the “I’m the special one” games to those who need the attention. The true Church has one Head—and it certainly isn’t located in the Continuing Church of God’s headquarters