Official Wild World Church of God
Pastor/Church Rebellion Guidelines
Please consider the following guidelines should you feel the need to rebel against the authority of God’s true leaders, church or government. Please be concise and ministerial. We will get back to you about the most appropriate format that your rebellion should take so as to inflict the most skepticism, mistrust and eye rolling amongst the sincere seekers in the COG’s. We will do our part to insure the success of your rebellion.
It’s what we do best.
1. What is the nature of your rebellion? We beg you to be original. Answers containing the terms “remnant”, “144,000”, “the faithful”, “God says”, “Eljah”, “Two Witnesses”, “that prophet”, or overuse of “I” or “Me” and other such exclusivism on your part, will be returned for rewrite.
2. Please proof text your reasons why you are right and we are wrong. All scriptures from Genesis to Revelation are valid but we give more weight to your proof texts from the Major and Minor Prophets. Any rebellions not containing the phrase “but there will be a great falling away first”, etc will be rejected out of hand as mere pablum for the brethren and a sign of a boring ministerial career on your part.
3. Please split Old Testament and New Testament proof texting 40/60 It is important to those watching the show we give the impression we are a New Testament/New Covenant Church.
4. We expect curses on us, a pox on our head and fire called down upon us, so please be original. Points will be deducted for cliché’ and plagerizing the prophets out of context or original intent. Know your story!
5. Please try to quote your proof texts in context. While we realize we all have the knack to make a scripture mean what it never meant, we have to appear that we are not , in fact, doing this. Both our causes will be damaged if we violate this rule.
6. Please be specific when accusing the leadership or the brethren. Terms such as “they”, “those fools”, “the administration”, “the people”, “us”, “we” and “them” are too generic. We want names!
7. Please be SURE to quote the appropriate falling away, deceived by Satan, in the bonds of iniquity, hireling and so on, scriptures to add weight and a sense of rightness to your cause. Poorly worded or unsubstantiated or unscriptural outbursts will be a source of lost points as well. We’re looking for emotion and clarity of thought. I know this is expecting way too much. We promise to do our part to match your expectations of our own responses.
8. Please have the appropriate number of clandestine meetings with elders, deacons and members BEFORE you reveal your rebellion. A minimum of 3 clandestine meetings, no less than eight hours long EACH, preferable held at night and during the week are required before we will even consider your rebellion valid. Points will be deducted for short meetings, poorly attended meetings and meetings held on the Sabbath where we are to be singing “We are not divided, all one body we. One in hope and doctrine. One in chariteeeeee” Major points will be deducted for NOT singing the appropriate hymns during the duration of your rebellion.
Also, anyone falling out of the window during your sermons or meetings on the rebellion are points DEDUCTED! It is not proof of your rebellion skills. I shows you don’t have a watch.
9. Please do not bill HQ for all personal calls relating to your rebellion. We can’t afford to underwrite the cost of talk, talk, talk and endless emails and paper explaining your position worldwide or at church. In every war, you have to pay for your own bullets and bombs. We also will not pay for meals out or renting facilities for the rebellion. While we suspect you are lying anyhow and we will be proven correct, please tell the truth on your monthly expense forms. We have now added the appropriate “rebellion expense” category to our expense forms and expect you to use them appropriately. Forms not listing any rebellion expenses during the breakout of an actual rebellion will be return unpaid until you can fess up to the differences between Godly and rebellious expenses.
10. Points will be awarded for the most references to Mr Armstrong. However, we expect that you personally to have known him and were actually present when the quote was given. Co-worker letters, booklets and articles by HWA are second hand sources and we consider them hearsay. Mr Armstrong was always surprised at how many letters and articles he wrote and for good reason. Points will also be deducted for saying “It’s God, Christ, Herbert W Armstrong, (Garner Ted when appropriate) myself and a few leading evangelists that God is working through.” Like you know this? These comments will be thrown out of the discussion. We want names as we said and we expect “a few leading evangelists” to be defined.
11. Rebellions must stay within the “time, times and half a time” principle. Rebellions that go on and on will require the participants be placed in an On and On Anonymous class. We have to carefully schedule our scandals and rebellions so we must ask you adhere to a beginning and end date of your rebellion.
12. Church wide fasts called to fuel the rebellion are illegal. No one can think correctly when tired and hungry. Those who ordain themselves to a higher rank during the actually breakout of the rebellion will be dismembered with cause immediately. Also please note. Any self ordination sermons given in less than four straight hours will not be considered sincere and you’re elevation to the next rank will not be recognized. Please call Dave Pack for details on how this is best done. We also would consider not ordaining yourself with multiple and exclusive titles during the rebellion to be an act of slackness on your part and your form will be returned to you with suggestions on how you can make it more convincing.
Rebellion and division is not a pleasant thing. But it can be done right and with God’s blessing. No matter what happens or your obvious skill or lack of skill in implementing a rebellion in God’s Church, we will pray for you, not wish you ill will and hope for your genuine repentance that will be evident to all in time. One again, proof text, proof text, proof text! Make those puppies scream at us! Extra points can be given for rants on “The Chosen People” and “We are Israel.” We promise to do the same to you.
One final note even though 12 is a sacred number and we are done.
Please know WHY sheep drop little round balls of dung, cows gravitate more to pie shaped dung and horses and elephants have straw in their dung. We cannot take ANYONE seriously who does not know sh….well you know. And then, once again be ashamed for all this baloney we inflict upon each other over nothing in this present evil world.
Happy Trails and warmest regards
Dennis C Diehl/Rebellion and Revolt Dept representing all the Churches of God united in love and hope. Now…let us prey and let the games begin! J