Oh The Memories: The Passover Mess

I never thought the day would come when I'd get a chuckle out of what over decades I have come to call "The Passover Mess."  But now I can.

First of all, and as briefly as possible, let me state what 45 years of "The Passover Mess" have taught me.
 1. The Exodus as reported in the Bible is not an historical event. It never happened as advertised. Therefore it matters not much how we use the story to answer questions about the Passover Mess.

2. Adam/Eve/Abraham and Moses (I'll stop there but further down the line is also suspect, never existed in history. Upsetting I know, but that's my view now and the common view among critical scholar and biblical archaeologists.

3. The New Testament accounts of the events surrounding the death and resurrection of Jesus as told in the Gospels are contradictory and irreconcilable. They are not accounts written by eyewitnesses to anything and were not written by the Disciples/Apostles whose names were later added to them when anonymous Gospels in the first place. They were written decades after the events they profess to report.  They are not "like four different people telling the story of an accident." Like the Birth Narratives, they are different stories and cannot be harmonized. We meld Matthew's and Luke's Birth stories together into a nice Christmas scene, but in real life, they are just two different stories and each author could not have read the others.

4. The Jewish Rabbi's pretty much know their own scriptures and do not consult and never did consult the WCG as to how to keep Passover or Unleavened Bread nor when they occurred.

That out of the way, my first encounter with the Passover Mess was in my first church were I was a first time pastor in Findlay, Ohio.  . I was 23. Hilarious I know but that's how it was. Elder at 23 and Preaching Elder at 24. You can't make this stuff up! :)  I had a church member who was obsessed with the Passover Mess. As well as I can recall, his demands were that we should all stand during the Passover , ready to go, as the Israelites did. I believe he viewed Passover and NTBMO as on the same night. All well and good but he spent a lot of time dividing my first congregation over and took all the fun out of being a pastor real quick. The more I asked him to calm down, the more uncalm he got. Long story short, he left the church over it and threatened me with Mike Wallace and 60's minutes. What the fuck had I gotten myself into? (I thought quietly to myself of course)  Dr. Hoeh did come out to talk to him too. I knew it was a waste of time and I fell asleep after hour two and caught hell for that from my member trying to straighten Dr. Hoeh out. Can't recall a more boring night spent and all Dr. Hoeh could come up with was "I don't know what his problem is, but it's not the Passover."  Demons probably "trying" to upset me no doubt. Just kidding. No demons either.

This was the same member who wanted to fly to see GTA in Minneapolis and took me along. I only learned in the middle of a thunderstorm in an old Bonanza over Michigan City , that he was again obsessed with getting to GTA about his view of the Passover Mess. I remember him more screaming at me to "look for the ground" as we were in the middle of a car wash several thousand feet up and he was trying to figure out if we were flying right side up or upside down. We survived but I never flew with him again.  The Passover Mess almost cost me my life at 25.

I recall in a Bible Study where I was dutifully reminding or asking the congregation not to break into the classic "splits and schisms" of religious division and misspoke. I actually asked them not to engage in "shits and splisms."  There was utter silence and they just looked at me as I looked back. Finally I asked, "Did I just say what I thought I said?"  Everyone cracked up and I noted that there were , in fact, some shits in the Church so it was God that inspired the mistaken wordage.  Just kidding. I only thought it.

Over the years, The Passover Mess reared it's ugly head almost every year I can remember. If it wasn't the when it was the how. When it wasn't the when and how it was the why and which. Sit down, stand up, 14th, 15th, required, suggested, not necessary, God's law!. Pick your Mess. Some thought we should have all the trimmings of a Jewish Passover service and Gefelta Fish on the Night to Be Much Endured. Don't even ask about how, what, why and where to clean for UB. I put my hand in my suit pocket during a UB sermon once and pulled out a teething cookie so you can't win. I think some members were abhorred by that but those were only the sinless members. The others thought it was hilarious.

Another time, I got into a controversy over whether a member, with a grocery store, must deleaven the store and basically shut it down for a week?  My only ministerial trainee ever, they didn't send them to me after this, told the member he had to clean up and close down. This man is a pastor now in some split.  He also told the congregation during his first sermon that they could either be anointed by him or go to the hospital, but not both. I corrected that too but that's part of the "Healing Mess."

Anyway...The member came to me and I said not a problem. Just de-leaven at home because it's an object lesson and not meant to put you into bankruptcy or on food stamps and don't worry about the store.  Ooops!   Mini-Ass called Joe Tkach Sr for a final judgement.  Joe said he had to de-leaven it and close it.  Crap!  I told the member again it was fine to keep it open, de-leaven at home because it's just an object lesson.  He did that and nothing more came of it.  Maybe that's why I never was ordained a "Pastor Rank Minister" ever!  I did pastor 14 congregation over 26 years in 5 states, alone, but only as a "Preaching Elder"  Darn!  Could have used the pay increase!,

All kidding aside. You are NEVER going to get the story of Jesus death and resurrection, nor the Passover events right. The accounts are muddled and whatever the darkness that covered the earth for three hours was, it was not an eclipse and no one seems to know what it was. Speculate all you want, but you can never know. It can be a miracle, a metaphor from the OT scriptures or a scribal error if yo like, but you'll never know.

If you are really looking for fun, sit down and try to harmonize the Gospel accounts of Jesus Resurrection. Good luck!

I don't miss the Passover Mess. It follows the Churches of God around like a puppy looking for a home. If you insist on feeding it, it will follow you home, enjoy your company but pee and poop all over your carpets and demand far more time than it is worth as the Churches struggle to figure out just exactly "the simplicity that is in Christ" is or just what exactly does "my yoke is easy and my burden light" means for yet another year.

Dennis heard and experienced  many other Passover Messes as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

Worldly Myths and Armstrong Church Myths; Which Was Worse?

In the Byrd house and in other COG homes many TV shows and movies were no-nos. All cartoons were off limits. Animals don't talk, people don't fly, nothing but lies. This is the way Satan first enters into a child's mind. Teaching them myths, magic and glorifying evil.

Of course, shows like Bewitched, I Dream of Jennie, The Munsters and The Addams Family were Satanically Inspired. Most all Walt Disney shows was off limits too. Because, everyone knew he had a demon.

Even Leave It To Beaver was frowned on. The Father was a weak kneed person dominated by his wife. Wally and Beaver used Golly and Gee Whiz openly taking the Lord's name in vain. Basically, they'd teach kids to be rebellious to parents and God.

Also, coloring books which contained this demon inspired junk was off limits. It was wrong to tell a lie then it was wrong to color a lie. Instead, we were encouraged to read the Bible Story books and look at the macabre drawings it contained. We sat through sermons about how angels might pick us kids up at school and take us to our parents when the church fled.

How on our way to Petra, God may kill rebellious teens and women with lightening bolts. One final purge before entering the Place of Safety. No rebellious minded person would ever enter Petra. Because rebellion is the sin of witchcraft, you know.

So, it was okay to listen to demon inspired hate, racist and sexist remarks, lies and myths from the church but not from the world. Bet you didn't know women were the ones that killed Christ? Eve made sin enter into the world thus Christ had to come and die. All women are Daughters of Eve. God cursed them with a painful child birth. God wanted them to feel some of the pain Christ went through. I had Waterhouse for a year as pastor, you know.

So, I wonder which myths would cause the most damage, worldly or church? 

From Facebook  radio/WCG Alumni (Used by permission)

After spending a lifetime in the church, the myths that can be listed are endless.  The Armstrong myths were far more dangerous and damaging than anything we railed against from the world!  Not only were these lies preached from the pulpit by ministers and printed in our magazines, but we were told had come directly from god!   It got so bad that for a while we were told to remove any magazines and booklets from view if we had guests in our homes that where "unconverted."  I guess the church was embarrassed about the junk they were dishing out on a daily basis.

One of the biggest liars the church had was Gerald Waterhouse.  Is there ANYTHING the man ever said that was truthful?  Following closely behind was Rod Meredith.  The whoppers from his mouth knew no boundaries.  Of course, all of this lunacy is the result of the daddy of all the lies, Herbert Armstrong.  Remember, these men all claim to have trained at the feet of the Master himself.  That legacy continues on today with Dave Pack, Gerald Flurry, Bob Thiel, Ron Weinland and James Malm.  These are currently the ones who cannot keep their mouths shut and have to say some of the most idiotic and mind numbingly stupid things imaginable.  I will take I Dream of Jeanie and Disney any day over the lies of ACOG leaders.

What are some of the myths you were told?

Why people Join Cults

Petra, anyone?