Well, That Was Stupid...
Last week I broke my own rule.
"Whenever you have a choice between the thinking in your head about
something and the feeling in your stomach about it, your stomach is telling you
the truth."
It was just minutes before a couples massage
session with another therapist. This was the chocolate covered strawberries,
champagne and cozy fireplace kind of session. Actually it's not all that cozy
as four people and a burning fireplace (Kerosene) sucks up most of the oxygen
in a few minutes and I don't remember much about the session! Anyway, it
looks nice.
The fireplace was out of kerosene so in a room
that only lights up so much, I filled it. Actually, I must have
overfilled it unknown to myself. Something told me, as I pointed the igniter
at the grate not to pull the trigger. I had no reason not save for the reasoning’s
in my head and the feeling in my stomach. I pulled the trigger.....
Poof! Now the floor is on fire.
The wall is on fire. The decorative Christmas tree on the bench is on
fire. And i am on fire. Funny how you can block out stuff for the
sake of the great good. I grabbed the tree to get it out of the room and
the faster I went the more the flames came back on my hands.
The tree went out. The smothering of the fire
worked. And my hands were really really red, but it seemed ok. We
moved the clients to another room (they didn't see what happened) and did the
massage session.
As the hour went by my hands really were
hurting more and more. Trapping them between the client's back and the
table made it much worse as the heat from my hands was trapped. I got
through it and went home.
Over the week my fingers went numb on the ends
and turned white in places. No blisters meant I avoided 2nd degree burns
but alas, now the blistering starts. It just took some time. But they are
healing and I did everything I knew to do to get through the process.
Well not everything. I skipped the doctor part because I have no
insurance so I asked myself, "What would Tecumseh do? And just took
care of business myself. But it is healing and it is interesting to see
that in every disappointment, accident, mistake, trial, goof up,
misunderstanding, stupid idea and stuff that makes up our own story along the
way, healing does occur. Sometimes shortly and sometimes over much more
time, but it does come for most.
I lost the love of my life partly because of
"you're stuck in the past." I can't deny that but have chosen
not so much to be stuck but to help others, including myself get unstuck by
taking a good look at the whole experience. It was taking too long.
I believe some have been helped by my not just
walking away as if it never happened. But I mourn the personal loss which
has left me learning another lesson I still have trouble going into. Now
I am somewhat stuck in another kind of past. I wonder if it ever
ends? I have learned that alone and me do not get along. I have the kind
of heart that seems to need to share it with someone who half understands me,
but I digress.
The stages of loss and trauma are well
known.
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
First
we go into denial that what is or has happened , has really happened.
When I saw the fire spread, I went blank for a second or two and heard myself
call myself a name. That didn't last long because i had to move and solve
the immediate problem. But denial is not so easy. I was in denial
for years over all the WCG drama. My prayer was simply, "May
God bless and keep the Administration and Most ministers far away from
me." And for the most part it worked...until it didn't.
Many Christians are in denial of many things. The delay of
or non- existence of the Second Coming, their own mortality, that tithing does
not come back to you as advertised, that ministers really do get whacky and
their getting to give the sermons does not mean they speak the truth etc.
Those older in the faith and having lived a life of "we who are alive and
remain," simply can't imagine they simply will die like billions before
them. It's not easy to face these things.
Next comes the pain and guilt. Plenty of that to go around
for sure and if anyone can be the monkey on one's own back, it is me.
Pain you can't help. Guilt is useless (I did a bad thing,) as is shame,
(I am a bad person). Bells can be unrung. However, this does
not mean they will easily let you go. I still have an issue or two that
are so painful and guilt producing, I want to scream. So scream, see if
it helps!
A simple and heartfelt "please forgive me" will not fix
anything because the answer is "no" or "I forgive you,
but...." That but is a big but.
Anger and Bargaining. Oh, plenty of that to go around.
Anger keeps us stuck until somehow we feel we have experienced all we can stand
and see it does not really serve us. Bargaining is the , "if I do
this and never do that, we can fix this right?" Wrong most of the
time. People or the gods aren't that easily swayed. It never seems to
cross their minds they need to be forgiven for a few things as well. I
find the solution to the enigma of forgiveness not feeling all that helpful is
simply giving up the need to forgive. I don't need to forgive anyone
anymore and perhaps they don't have to forgive me either.
Depression, Reflection and Loneliness. Ugh...this is a tough one.
Some days are diamonds and some days are stone when it comes to these
topics. Medication is not the answer to issues not faced. I forbid
myself from buying a gun "to protect myself in case society
collapses," knowing full well I had my moments where I no longer cared about
many things or couldn't "figure out," how things could work out. Who
can? The reflection part is why I write and the loneliness part is
what I suffer as if you could not tell. It's what everyone feels
depending on their story
The last three are the "you're on your way stage" and what
take time to get to. It would be nice if we could just will ourselves into
healing but these burns are going to heal in their own time and in the proper
order for such things.
It's all a process and there are times where you can even fall back
from one to the last one you thought you had seen enough of. But let this
well known process work it's miracle. Where are you stuck in all
this? What part can't you get past? It's ok. It's just how it works
and time does heal not that you won't have some scarring.
Whatever 2012 has in store I'm pretty sure it will be nuts. Life
does what it does with or without us so relax if you can. It's all just a
story. We all have one.
Burns heal. Skin grows. Nerves feel again. The wisdom of the body
should show us how to view the wisdom in our hearts.
Dennis C. Diehl
DenniscDiehl@aol.com
DenniscDiehl@aol.com
8 comments:
Dennis, I see the whole Armstrongism experience of one of learning to recognize the con artist, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath and nutjobs. It has a lot of value.
What I don't get, and still don't get, is that they look you in the eye, lie to you, expecting you to believe them, even though they know you know they are lying. Worse, I don't understand apologists for the con artist, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath and nutjobs.
They know very well the scoundrels they support are totally evil, but to listen to them, the wicked are the bringers of life, truth and healing.
Especially disturbing are the PR guys who privately admit to the hypocrisy of the venue, but protect it anyway.
Some of them even keep a Journal of the whole thing, making the whole thing seem so benign when they know it isn't.
And that's something I have a really hard time letting go without some attempt to rectify the situation because it's just so very wrong.
2012 does look a much better year to root out and burn Armstrongism to the ground, even as they have shot themselves in the foot during 2011 and seem to be limping into the sunset of perdition.
And if you hang on a little while longer, it seems that your patience may be rewarded, even it hasn't seemed to have been so far.
Thanks Douglas, It's a trip for sure. Having been on all sides of it , the perspective is helpful in avoiding the same mistakes .
I was not real happy with this article or whatever we call the blather, and told NO2 to maybe not bother with it, but he never listens to me! ha!
I too end up recycling through the grief process more than I like. Recently I was thrown back in when a friend watched the "called to be free video".
Despite what I had been saying, it took that blasted video to begin to have any real impact. It hurt a bit and put me back into that whole re-telling stage.
The nice thing though was that I realized that it had been a while since I been there.
My point, thank you for your honesty Dennis. It shows none of us are alone in this. But there are those bright shining moments of hope that says that we are progressing.
I am ever thankful I was rejected from AC.
It is my suspicion that not unlike the HAL9000 computer who was lied to and his logic couldn't take it, after my going mental postal there would be fewer evangelists around after I discovered the Armstrongist Decepticons.
I guess we'll never know for certain, and in all contradiction of seven stages of grief, there might have only been one -- followed by prison -- but that's an abberation to the grieving process which never happened in this or several other trillion alternative parallel universes.
The one stage of grief system involves the dispatch of the scoundrels causing the grief: There's no acceptance in the future for that alternative response.
Never happened.
Pursuing alternative methods.
Nevertheless, the seven stages of grief as you presented are not the only way of working your way through problems....
Sorry to hear of your injury, Dennis, and I wish you a speedy and complete recovery.
What I've found, especially this past year, is that as we learn more, and become more aware of some of the good things which can correct and replace the negative aspects of the Armstrong problem, it seems to be an automatic function that we become more and more distanced from the past, and the pain from that past. Most of the stuff that was bothering me even ten years ago now registers as being nearly non-existent.
It would have been nice to have been able to accomplish this earlier in life, but I'm thankful that such diffusion has happened at all. People say time heals all things. That is not altogether true. It's taken me most of the last ten years, studying, discussing, and actively looking for answers. Imagine if I'd initiated that process in 1975! Bottom line is that I just wasn't ready to begin addressing such problems at that time, so ended up repressing it all with the best logic and rhetoric available to me at that time. Problem with that approach is that it was always seething just below the surface, and really negatively impacted the quality of my own life, and of those around me.
BB
Dennis,
Hope your hands heal up soon. Cut open some vitamin E capsules and spread the gel on your burns a couple of times a day. I have found vitamin E to be helpful for small burns on my hands in the past. No, I am not a doctor but I did license chiropractors in Texas for five years so you know everything I say about good health and non-prescriptive drug treatments is the good gosh, oh my golly, natural as god intended, 100% whole-grain, unsubluxated truth. (Your experience may vary.)
I dropped by this site today to see if Rod Meredith has died yet. (Nope, but I don't think he will make to the 2012 FOT - just a WAG on my part.) I think his eventual passing will finally close the door on my wcg experience and interest - I have not been a member since 1979. I still have one in-law who is in Gracie and a few friends in East Texas in various cog-lets but I have little interaction with them these day. The UCG implosion last year made me smile, but I did not really care about who ended up where. My hope is that the members will continue to trickle out of all the groups a few at a time over the days and weeks and months ahead until they all become too weak to be viable.
Sorry about the love of your life moving on and your subsequent loneliness. (That seems so trite for me to write, but most everyone can feel your pain in your writings and I do mean it sincerely.) Speaking from experience, Depression is a bitch and you can't just move out on her. She follows you no matter where you go.
Willie Nelson (between puffs) once looked out at an audience and said to a friend, "You know, at least 90% of the people out there tonight are not with the person they would really prefer to be with."
Best wishes to you Dennis, and to all the ex-coggers out there everywhere. And the next time your brain flashes you one of those pre-cognitive messages, please listen.
Glenn Parker
Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias have this to say in their book, Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships:
Anger
The emergence of anger is one of the first signs of recovery. Anger is a normal reaction to the hurts and assaults you experienced. Anger is an appropriate response to abuse and exploitation. It is also the most difficult emotion for many of us to get in touch with and address. If you feel angry, it means you are now ready to acknowledge that you were victimized, which can be incredibly painful. What was done may have been hurtful, harmful, and even heinous -- and you are entitled to your rage.
Just as fear is the backbone of cultic control, anger is the fuel of recovery. Anger is an extremely valuable tool in healing. It fortifies your sense of what is right be condemning the wrong that was done to you. It gives you the energy and will to get through the ordeal of getting your life back together. Suppression of anger while in the cult more than likely contributed to depression and a sense of helplessness. Now the reverse is possible....
To be used effectively, anger must be focused on its source. In most cases, that source will be the cult leader and perhaps his top lieutenants and enforcers.
-------
Herbert Armstrong was a fat self-righteous pig who saw all the rest of us as less than nothing and he, the most important man in the world. He had a way of making us all feel worthless so that we would be willing to feed him as his narcissistic source.
The truth is that he was the inferior one who may not have achieved the level of being a human being -- and certainly not a viable healthy one.
Once you realize that you were used by a worthless nothing, you have the right perspective.
Feel free to be angry -- and not as a stepping stone to acceptance, for acceptance in this case is nothing more than being a victim loser.
Properly channeled anger gives you the will to fight back and call the narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, nutcases and their apologists on what they really are in a movement to finally bury them once and for all amidst the ashes of discarded religious hucksters.
Thanks Mickey, Bob and Glenn. Fingers are doing nicely though still numb. I think the top layer will come off and the nerves can get through again! Been slow with massage so good timing for healing.
It's really nice to hear you guys share a bit. I find we are all the same in experiences and feelings about them or what hurt and pain does to us. We each handle it differently with our various filters and defenses in place, but the turmoil and thoughts are the same .
More open works for me as "and you call yourself .." or "and you are a minister..." has haunted me . It is harldy a place to be authentic and one's self. The price is way too high until one is ready to accept the blowback. Freedom is dropping the masks and ultimately not caring who thinks what about what.
Buddism teachers not so much forgiveness as giving up the need to forgive. Wow..that was something I never thought of and must have been ready for it when I came across it. Forgiveness doesn't work all that well as non-forgetness lurks forever. But giving up the need to forgive was an ah ha moment for me. I wish others had had that view towards me but we all do what we do. I can only change me or accept what is.
Please stay in touch Glenn. Don't disappear!! I don't have your phone number but resend it. SCMassagetherapy@aol.com
Hang in there guys, with our luck, we'll live!
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