BETRAYAL! Broken Promises, Satanic Attacks, Failed Ordination, Balaam's Wages, FIlthy Lucre, Plus A Topless Woman!

One would think that after decades of being marinated in the fragrant stew of Armstrongism and the Churches of God, absolutely nothing could still make us choke on our herbal teas and Postum "coffees". Fifteen years running this blog, plus all those glorious seasons assisting Gavin Rumney with his, and we’re supposedly unshockable. Bulletproof. Seen it all, from splintering splinters to apostles who think “Joshua the High Priest” is their personal cosplay. Yet somehow these people still manage to innovate new levels of ridiculous. Who knew the one true end-time church—restored with perfect government and doctrine straight from the throne of God Himself—could keep serving up fresh chaos like it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet of dysfunction?

But of course it can. Because why wouldn’t it?

Enter stage left: Samuel Kitchen, self-appointed end-time restorer of the once-mighty Worldwide Church of God. In his noble, totally-not-delusional quest to resurrect the corpse of Herbert W.’s empire, Samuel will apparently try anything. Anything at all.

Cue the latest plot twist: a former minister and writer from David C. Pack’s traveling circus (you know, the Restored Church of God, where “restored” apparently means “we’ll change the prophecy timeline again next week while taking all of your money”) reaches out to Samuel. This gentleman, one Jonathan Dicen, expresses a burning desire to join the Great WCG Revival™. And because Dicen claims he was ordained back in the sacred days of the actual Worldwide Church of God, that’s apparently all the vetting Samuel needs. Credentials? Who needs ’em! Discernment? Never heard of her!

Naturally, Dicen graciously bestows upon Samuel the divine apostolic authority to start collecting tithes and offerings. Translation: “Hey kid, here’s a bucket, go shake down the widows for me.” Most of us smelled that scam from orbit, but Samuel? Samuel swallowed it whole and asked for seconds. Though, to his credit, he did hesitate… for about five seconds before accepting the sacred money-collecting mantle. Gotta save up for that glorious day when Aaron Dean finally sees the light, denounces UCG, and comes home to the one true remnant, right?

And then, in a shocking twist literally no one on planet Earth saw coming (except everyone), Dicen offered to ordain Samuel as a minister. Wow. Ordination via random ex-Packite on the internet. Truly, the biblical pattern was restored.

Fast-forward a few days. Satan, clearly bored and in need of entertainment, cranks the drama dial to eleven. Dicen announces he’s jumping ship to another group that’s willing to pay him better. Samuel is shocked—shocked!—to discover that loyalty in Armstrongism is negotiable when cash is involved. Betrayal! Treachery! How could this happen in God’s one true church?

As if that weren’t enough, the Devil personally launches a full-scale assault on poor Samuel’s health, landing him in the hospital multiple times in just a few days. Because obviously, when a shady ordination deal falls apart, the only logical explanation is that Satan himself is rattled by Samuel’s mighty work of restoration.

Truly, brethren, we’ve never seen anything like this before. Except literally every other week for the last forty years. 

Keep the faith, folks. Or whatever’s left of it after this latest episode.

Samuel writes:

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Dear brethren,

When Jonathan Dicen, a minister in the Philippines, approached me, we talked about shared values, and how God says that “two cannot walk together unless they be in agreement”(Amos 3:3).

We had agreed we would walk together moving forward in Christ.

He told me he felt God was reviving the work of the Worldwide Church of God and he wanted to be a part of it, and revive the work there in the Philippines.

He also saw the need for tithes and offerings to be collected in accordance to God’s tithing law. I was not an ordained minister, so have not been able to receive nor handle any tithes and offerings, and Mr Dicen wanted to remedy that. So he “authorized” me to receive tithes and offerings. I published this authorization at his request.

Mr Dicen seems to me to be a very friendly man. I have chatted with him, and talked on the phone with him two times.

This last phone call, he relayed to me how he had been recontacted by another group, hired, and would be included in another group and he would no longer be joining with us and the Worldwide Church of God.

This broke his word to me. We had promised to walk together through thick and thin, through good times and bad times.

He was offered a “better payroll”, so he has decided to step away.  

 

In the Churches of God it’s never been about Jesus, prophecy, or owning church buildings—nope! It’s always been about the real god they truly worship: Money. Cash. Filthy lucre. Cold, hard tithe checks and offerings. 

Because nothing screams “Philadelphian love” quite like obsessively milking widows and poorer members while the ministry upgrades to a newer Lexus. Truly, the love of money isn’t the root of all evil in Armstrongism—it’s the entire tree, the orchard, and the gift shop at the entrance. 

Herbert himself taught us that the Work™ needed your money yesterday, and his spiritual heirs have been faithfully carrying on that sacred tradition ever since. Praise be to the Almighty Dollar—may its value never fluctuate before second and third tithe is due!

I removed my post on our website(worldwidechurchofgod.org) concerning Mr Dicen and tithes and offerings.

I am not surprised at how things came about, but I did step out in faith trusting and asking God to reveal to me who this man was, how trustworthy he is, and whether he is walking with God or not.

I announced his involvement, the authorization and expansion of the work into the Philippines, at his request. He wanted me to send him monthly money to help the work in the Philippines, and he also talked about ordination, as he said it would resolve many problems I have with detractors.

I am not interested in becoming a minister. God is in charge of that. I full support the true ministers, but please brethren beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing, who come along looking like ministers of righteousness.

This appears to been about money and payroll m, and Mr.Dicen accepted the better offer from another group, breaking his word with me, before God and Jesus Christ, and since it was made public it was set before the entire church(at least those who paid attention).

People warned Samuel that Dicen was not on the up and up, including his own brother Timothy. 

I held him accountable, but I also should not have announced his inclusion without finding more knowledge about him. But I did take to prayer when I originally posted, telling God that I can only take people for what they say, I cannot force them or coerce them to do what is right. But since Mr Dicen gave me his word, I held him accountable before everyone.

Now it is sad for me to say, he is no longer walking with us, and has broken his promise.

I trusted in Jesus Christ our head to make things known. He is in complete control of His Church. I trust people too much, but I also want to give people a chance to do the right thing. And so I may appear to be an easy mark, someone to be easily taken advantage of, but my focus is to look to Jesus Christ and be ready to respond zealously and fearlessly.

People can hurt me. I am used to it. I am just saddened to lose trust with someone I was so eager to build truth with, especially when someone comes to you claiming to be a fellow member and brother in Jesus Christ.

But prayers have been answered!!!!!  

 

Oh noes! 

Jonathan Dicen has officially been MARKED, disfellowshipped, and publicly severed from the one true Worldwide Church of God (restored edition, Samuel Kitchen proprietor)! 

Quick, someone sound the shofar and update the master spreadsheet—another dangerous heretic has been dramatically excommunicated from a church that consists of like nine people and a Facebook group! Truly a devastating blow to the Work™. 

How will the end-time restoration ever survive now that a random ex-Packite who lasted all of two weeks has been cast into the outer darkness? Brethren, avert your eyes! Do not even think about speaking to this man!

The Philadelphia remnant remains pure. 

And Jesus Christ INTERVEENED on our behalf as our Good Shepherd. And I now have to publicly sever full connection with Mr Jonathan Dicen.

His actions has caused doubt and confusion for those weak in the faith, and now I have to explain why he is no longer going to be with us.

He still wants me to come to the Philippines, to be ordained into the ministry. I respectfully decline. No. This was not of Jesus Christ! I am not seeking after an office in the ministry. And if Jesus Christ wants me ordained the job will get done by a man authorized by Jesus Christ. When one is so easily swayed by a paycheck, then hirelings hire hirelings. I’m not for sale.

While I appreciate the friendliness, I don’t appreciate the name of God being besmirched because one could not toe the line and not be swayed by balaam’s wages. How much is a red bowl of soup?

So please mark well, his separation. He does not desire it, but I will step forward and now announce it. He is no longer associated with us.

Que the Satanic attack: 

When he first came to me, I went to fast and pray about it. I came down sick and have been in and out of hospitals for the last 3-4 weeks!

It turns out problems that already existed was working against me, but the doctors couldn’t figure out why I was sick and near death’s door! Satan can spiritually CHARGE things where that is the only logical explanation for being that sick. It was keeping me from studying, from listening to sermons, from prayer on my knees as I was battling a fever all the time.

When I ended up in the hospital this last Friday, I couldn’t get church services listed on the website because I was away from my computer in a hospital bed, but I had time to sit up and pray and Bible study and I had a very rewarding Sabbath day! Now I am feeling much better, and now Satan seems to be withdrawing and fleeing. 

 

Note, Satan seems to be fleeing (praise be! miracles do happen!), but don’t pop the Manashevitz quit yet.

Cue the topless woman temptation, because obviously the Devil’s master plan to derail God’s one true end-time restoration involves... strategic nudity. Truly cutting-edge spiritual warfare. How will our brave Elijah-in-training ever resist the ancient and unbeatable snare of... checks notes... women's boobs? Quick, someone fetch the emergency anointing oil and a modestly sized bath towel! The fate of the entire Work™ hangs on whether Samuel can keep his eyes on the Kingdom instead of whatever Beelzebub just sent to his door.

Stay strong, soldier. You’ve survived hospital visits, betrayal by a money-hungry opportunist, and now this ultimate test. We always knew the final hurdle before the Wonderful World Tomorrow would be bare boobs. 

Classic Satan. 

So original.

My neighbor next door, banged on my front door this morning and when I opened she was topless, which I didn’t appreciate, and she began to tell me how loud the voices from my apartment was!

I was alone and I heard no such voices! I explained that maybe it was the tv.

She was stoned and high as a kite, but it seemed to be the cherry on top. Satan and his demons were attacking. I went back inside and began praying asking God to remove the demons, because they were stirring up my neighbors for the reason of possible expulsion from my apartment! That is the only reason i can see why such a thing was occurring to her. Now maybe she heard loud voices coming up from the apartment beneath hers thinking it was me, but she was inspired nevertheless to accuse me falsely of it. That is how demons work.

And now Christ has intervened and protected us from association with the wrong people. I’m sorry for getting hopes high. I had my hopes raised, because i have wanted the work to expand and expand with God’s good blessings. He will and HE IS, but in His own way and timing.

This experience has taught me something about some tactics Satan uses. I was already aware of them, but I wanted to believe this was not the case.

I trusted God and God came through in the end. Many people may cling to us along the way, we cannot judge them for wanting to be with us, but as soon as their fruits are born, we must stand with Jesus Christ.

So no I won’t be going to the Philippines. I won’t be ordained by Mr Dicen. I am rejecting the authority he said he “gave t me” concerning receiving tithes and offerings, but that was deceitful given in order for him to receive money through me. Please do NOT send me nor Me Dicen any tithes and offerings. If any arrive at my address, I will quickly return to sender.

Thank you for your prayers. It seemed too good to be true, but it shall not deter me from looking and trusting in Jesus Christ. Mr Dicen will be held accountable by Christ. Please pray for him, but please beware of him according to Bible command.

In Jesus Christ’s name

Samuel Kitchen 

 

And there you have it, folks—the latest thrilling installment in the never-ending soap opera that is Armstrongism in 2025.

A deluded, yet I think sincere “restorer” gets love-bombed by a mercenary ex-Pack minister, handed a tithe bucket, offered a mail-order ordination, then dramatically betrayed the moment a better paycheck appeared on the horizon. 

Cue the emergency disfellowshipping, the emergency hospital visits, and—of course—the emergency topless woman deployed personally by Satan to try and finish off the one true church.

Yet somehow, through it all, the Philadelphia remnant remains as pure, persecuted, and penniless as ever.

So fear not, dear readers. The end-time Work™ marches on—smaller, louder, and more absurd than ever. Satan may send his topless agents, his false ministers, and his mysterious illnesses, but he’ll never defeat the unassailable truth that God’s real church is wherever the last three diehards are still arguing about 1975 prophecy updates and who gets to keep the tithe envelope this week.

Until the next betrayal, the next “miraculous healing,” and the next emergency Facebook manifesto… keep the faith, protect your wallet, and for the love of all that is holy, stay clothed.

"The Christmas Ban they Forced on Millions — Inside Armstrong's Anti-Holiday Cult"

Cult Explosion (Original Classic)

 

Cult Explosion (Original Classic) - In this video cult expert Dr. Walter Martin explains the attraction of cults. Testimonies from ex-cult leaders disclose the secret inner core of groups like People's Temple, Worldwide Church of God, Moonies, Hare Krishna, Christian Science, Scientology, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Hinduism, Black Muslims, Unity, and the Manson Family. All credit for this video goes to the late Dr. Walter Martin and Jeremiah Films.

"...the importance of being a members of continuing church of God and proof that Dr Bob is chosen at this age"

Behold! The majestic Great Bwana Doctor Robert Thiel, the self-anointed end-time leader of the Continuing Church of God in Africa (because, let’s be honest, those pesky Caucasians just weren’t gullible enough to fall for his shtick anymore). The Bwana has graciously published three glowing fan letters from his two most “faithful” African evangelists. And the first thing you’ll notice in about 0.2 seconds is that these so-called evangelists are evangelists for Bwana Bob™ and his glorious personality cult, not for that obscure fellow named Jesus Christ, who—shocker—doesn’t get a single mention. Not one. It’s almost as if the Son of God is just an inconvenient background character in the Bob Thiel Cinematic Universe.

But why stop there? Isn’t it just precious how all four of our most delightfully aberrant Church of God splinter führers—Ron Weinland, Gerald Flurry, David C. Pack, and of course, our own Bwana Doctor Bob—have unanimously decided that the gospel is just too boring? No, no, the real good news is them: their magnificence, their exclusive God-ordained prophet-apostle-elijah-witness-whatever title of the week. Never in the history of Armstrongism have we been blessed with so many desperate, theologically bankrupt little men frantically trying to devour the carcass of Herbert Armstrong’s movement from the inside like starving hyenas in tailored suits.

All four of these titans of ego place their number-one priority on proving how staggeringly right they are and how God personally Zoom-called them to do whatever narcissistic nonsense they’re doing this month. Jesus? Oh, He gets the occasional drive-by mention—one or two of them toss His name around like a stale matzo at Passover so they can still pretend to be Christian for five seconds. But deep, profound teaching on the significance of Christ, the resurrection, and what it actually accomplished? Please. That would require taking the spotlight off themselves for more than thirty seconds, and we can’t have that.

It positively infuriates them that Jesus came to shatter the chains of legalism and the filthy rags of works-righteousness that COG leaders have used to keep their members in bondage for nearly a century. How dare the Messiah ruin their little control-freak empire! The nerve of that Guy.

The Great Bwana Doctor Bob has these comments from his evangelists:

Greetings from Malawi.
It’s of a great pleasure to inform that my meeting with the leaders in Malawi meant a lot to both Malawi and Mozambique. We discussed a lot about leadership, congregants, the importance of being a members of continuing church of God and a proof that Dr Bob is chosen at this age in leading church of God. I also teach a lot why we are in continuing church of God. What the Bible says about who is to lead now and what kind of work is he suppose to do.
We also discussed much about the kingdom of God. Ordained feasts, the true repentance and what massage continuing church of God is delivering.
The brethren were shocked and spoken a lot when they confirmed that biblically, continuing church of God is in front to fulfill Mathew 28:19.

Lastly I asked so many questions why they are in continuing church of God.
They gave many reasons why they are in continuing church of God and why they are sealed in the truth. 

Evans Ochieng

Another letter: 

We kept sabbath in chikwawa where I met many people. The service was wonderful. I tried to encourage people to know the reason why they are in continuing church of God. And why continuing church of God is very important in their lives and I delivered to them the massage that God’s church is carrying to this age. I also explained to them why it’s only important to be sealed in the truth. 

 

Many people are walking blindly not knowing why church of God is there and who is in control. People must know why Moses was chosen, why Joshua was chosen after Moses and why Armstrong was chosen. And who is chosen now.

Why gospel must be preached and to who. Reasons for repentance and reconciliation. The importance of congregants. The conformity of God.

The race in the book of revelation.

And where are we in the prophecy.

Evans Ochieng

And another: 

Greetings,yesterday Evans was at Mogowi church the one am leading, he preached very powerful teachings than ever had before and his teachings was like the world was ending yesterday,brethren enjoyed his teachings and we are much blessed with his coming,none of us will forget his teachings and some brethren told me that they even dream at night his teachings which means the Lord God a sure his people that the teachings was full with the truth,he also told the young ones to prepare the youth camp meeting with will start on 23 December to 28 December 2025, we are praying for it.

Sosten Libungwa 

 

It’s positively heart-wrenching to realize that the brethren shuffling into these splinter shrines are mostly sincere, lovely folks who just want to follow Jesus the best their hearts know how. And there they are, dutifully sitting in pews while their “ministers” bloviate for hours about how Bwana Bob (or Dave, Gerry, or Ron, depending on the group) is the only human on Earth God trusts with the real truth™. These precious sheep are being spiritually muzzled, guilt-tripped, and financially milked by leaders who are evangelists for Bob/Dave/Gerry/Ron and their magnificent prophetic resumes, not for that irrelevant carpenter from Nazareth who apparently doesn’t rate a single sermon anymore. Truly, the compassion these leaders show is so thick you could spread it on matzos and still have enough left over to choke on.

How noble. How Christ-like. How utterly nauseating.

Crackpot Prophet: If You Are A Baptist You Need To Repent And Join The Improperly Named "continuing" Church of "god"

 

The Trail of Blood - Baptist History

Isn’t it utterly breathtaking? Here we are, trembling in awe before the most glorious prophet ever dreamed into existence—literally dreamed, because that’s how God apparently rolls these days—flung down from the heavens in the latter days just to enlighten us poor, stupid humanity and show us the One True Path™. Bow your heads, peasants; we are not worthy!

Behold, the most theologically and historically impeccable prophet ever to be squeezed out of the Catholic Church and into the Church of God, marinated in the Armstrongist Church of God movement, and finally birthed in a fit of rebellion because Rod Meredith ignored him, is here on this sunny California afternoon amid the scent of patchouli and orange blossoms, gracing us once more with his profound knowledge.

This time, armed with rock-solid theology he absorbed at the feet of Herbert W. Armstrong (and later polished in that legendary double-wide trailer in India), our hero has decided to pick a fight with… the Baptists. Yes, those Baptists—those notorious heretics who dare to have a more coherent, documented church history stretching back centuries (complete with actual records of Seventh Day Baptists in Rhode Island) than the fairy-dust trail of “true church” myths the Crackpot Prophet and his COG buddies keep flinging at the wall to justify their existence. But sure, tell us again how the Baptists are the ones who got it wrong.

Naturally, our illustrious Crackpot Bob thunders that the Baptists must immediately repent, devour his photocopied pamphlets and Amazon published "books", acknowledge they’re nothing but degenerate Protestants, and rush to join the one true church—currently headquartered in a charming little brick bolthole in scenic Grover Beach, California (population: basically Bob and several thousand bottles of over priced holoistic remedies).

Truly, the end times are upon us. How ever did we survive without this beacon of prophetic clarity?

The Bob-sey twins are here to set the Baptists straight:

The Truth About Baptist History 

 

Some in the denominational faith of the Baptist religion claim continuity and obedience to Christ from even before the foundation of the church at Pentecost. But is their claim valid? If their claim is that they practice baptism then, yes, their claim is valid. But what about obedience and doctrine? Does the Baptist faith believe what Jesus believed? Does the Baptist faith do what Jesus did? But does the claim to continuity merely require baptism while adhering to doctrines never practiced or taught by Jesus Christ or the apostles or the church founded on Pentecost? Hardly. What is the real history of the Baptist faith as chronicled by some leading scholars and practitioners of that faith? What are the beliefs they really practice? Were some who they claim to be their spiritual ancestors have actually been Church of God? Could the Baptist faith be classified as simply another belief system related to the Protestant movement? Is there a faithful group with apostolic succession? Watch this video and listen as Dr. Thiel shines the light of Biblical knowledge and understanding on the faith and practices of the early church. The time is at hand. 

 

And so, dear Baptists, there is obviously only one solution to save your doomed souls: immediately repent of your centuries-long foolishness, binge-read every last page of Crackpot Bob’s Xeroxed masterpieces, and humbly defect to the One True Faith™.

Do this quickly, and you might—just might—earn the coveted early-morning phone call inviting you to flee to the Place of Safety™ (Petra, Pella, or whichever God-forsaken Jordanian dust-bowl Bwana Bob is vibing with this week). There, for three-and-a-half glorious years, you’ll enjoy nonstop bliss while being lectured daily by the prophet himself on why you were so very, very wrong about literally everything.

Truly, what more could any sinner ask for? Sign-up forms are in the foyer of the little brick building in Grover Beach and operators are standing by - 1.800.423.4444.

The late Herbert W. Armstrong pointed out:

The … CHURCH OF GOD … is in direct continuous succession from the apostolic Church founded by Christ A.D. 31 (Armstrong HW. Why The Church? Good News, August 14, 1978) 

 

The true Church continued, a tiny “little flock,” almost unnoticed by the world … (Armstrong HW. The Church They Couldn’t Destroy. Good News, December 1981) 

So, if you are Baptist (or any other non-Church of God faith), I urge you to be like the Bereans of old (Acts 17:10-11) and search the scriptures (as well as facts about church history) to see if these things are so.