When one reads the biblical accounts of the Hebrew prophets, they were men of unshakeable integrity who boldly proclaimed God's messages without a hint of hesitation. Kings and princes trembled before them, many were dramatically humbled and silenced, and some even sparked nationwide repentance. None of them ever apologized. They were absolutely convinced God was on their side.
Yet here we are in the thrilling new year of 2026, and God's self-proclaimed greatest prophet in these perilous end times has once again discovered a brilliantly convenient escape hatch to avoid ever being held accountable for a single word he utters.
Behold Crackpot Bob Thiel—the one-man splinter-group assembly line—who modestly assures the world that he's basically Elijah 2.0, Amos with a blog, and Jeremiah with superior Wi-Fi. Truly, the Bible foretold that in the last days God would raise up a prophet who would... let me check my notes... receive a "double portion" blessing during a casual prayer before meeting his spiritual daddy, then spend the next decade explaining why that obviously makes him divinely appointed.
It all began so innocently back in December 2011, when Crackpot Bob headed to Living Church of God (LCG) headquarters in Charlotte for yet another valiant attempt to set his spiritual daddy, Rod Meredith, straight on the church's supposedly wrong teachings. Before the big showdown, Bob tried to corner ministers Jeff Fall and Gary Ehman, but they wisely gave him the slip. Undeterred, our hero settled for kindly elder Gaylyn Bonjour, who agreed to pray over him.
And then—in what Bob insists was a totally unplanned, Holy Spirit-orchestrated moment—Bonjour, being his emotional French-ancestry self, prayed for Bob to receive a "double portion" of God's Spirit. You know, just like Elisha asked Elijah in 2 Kings 2. Completely accidental! Bonjour later clarified he'd never done that for anyone else and certainly wasn't anointing a prophet. But Bob? He heard the prophetic mantle drop louder than a thunderclap. Who cares that Bonjour explicitly said he meant no such thing—God clearly works through inadvertent slip-ups, right?
Fast-forward a bit: after years of LCG leaders like Roderick Meredith tossing out offhand encouragements like "God may consider you a prophet" (the kind you say to be nice, not to launch a new denomination), Bob decided the moment was ripe. LCG wasn't fixing literature errors quickly enough, wasn't proclaiming the "final phase of the work" exactly his way, and—horror of horrors—dared to criticize him publicly. Obviously, this was persecution rivaling the ancient prophets! So in late 2012, Bob dramatically exited LCG and founded the Continuing Church of God (CCOG), insisting he was not self-appointed (perish the thought!) but gently nudged by dreams, an accidental double blessing, and some vague compliments from ex-colleagues.
It wasn't long before the Great Bwana started presenting himself as the modern reincarnation of Amos, Joshua, Abraham, and pretty much every other Hebrew prophet who ever lived. While the Old Testament prophets reluctantly accepted undeniable calls backed by miracles, signs, and flawless records, Bob's grand elevation rests on a misinterpreted "double blessing" prayer, some self-decoded dreams, and a mountain of self-justification. Humble? Hardly. Biblical? Critics argue it's closer to the presumptuous false prophets warned about in Deuteronomy—the ones who lead people astray.
Relentlessly mocked for the ever-growing pile of mantles he's draped over himself, Crackpot Bob has yet to demonstrate even a fraction of the boldness or accuracy of the prophets he claims to embody. Unable to make a single bold, accurate prediction, he constantly scrambles for new weasel words to dodge accountability.
Forever dragging poor Herbert Armstrong into his theological mess, Crackpot Bob piously quotes HWA, but rewrites it according to his standards:
Don’t simply believe me – Believe what the Bible really Teaches – Believe the Truth – Prove all things – Believe God!
And I will take it one step further. Irrespective of how any may view the role that God has for me, unless I am directly quoting the Bible, or preface a statement to something of the effect of “thus saith the Lord,” I am NOT necessarily stating anything that is not subject to later correction. We who are truly part of the Church of God only accept as inspired the 39 books of the Old Testament and the 27 books of the New Testament and no other document. Therefore, although other current and historical documents/articles/books/booklet/posts by various Church of God leaders throughout history often have value, as they generally also tend to contain personal opinion, we do not consider that any of them are on the same level as sacred scripture, and hence believe that they can contain error.
Oh, isn't that rich? Here we have a man who has published a myriad of books and booklets that all circle back to pointing at himself as the end-time authority, while smugly lecturing other COG leaders for treating Mystery of the Ages and similar works as gospel truth. Our Great Bwana would never do that... would he?
And did you catch the masterful escape clause he slipped in at the very beginning? Unless he explicitly says "thus saith the Lord" before one of his prophecies, he cannot—repeat, cannot—be held accountable when they crash and burn.
He refuses to be held accountable for anything. Ever. How utterly prophetic.
And so, as we stumble into yet another glorious year of end-time enlightenment—2026, no less—the saga of Crackpot Bob Thiel reaches its predictable, magnificent climax. The man who bravely cloaked himself in the mantles of Elijah, Amos, Jeremiah, Joshua, and basically every prophet who ever thundered from a mountaintop has finally perfected the ancient art of prophetic invincibility: absolute, airtight, bulletproof unaccountability.
No more pesky failed predictions to explain away. No more embarrassing dates that come and go without so much as a divine firework. No need to apologize like those weak Old Testament prophets who actually had to deliver verifiable messages from an actual God. Why bother with miracles, signs, or accuracy when you can simply declare—piously, of course—that nothing you say is binding unless you pinky-swear it with a “thus saith the Lord”?
Truly, brethren, behold your end-time apostle: the one who receives accidental double portions, deciphers his own dreams, publishes libraries of books pointing to his own greatness, and then humbly reminds everyone that only the Bible is inspired—conveniently forgetting that his entire claim to authority rests on a decade of personal interpretation, self-coronation, and theological gymnastics that would make a contortionist blush.
In the end, the Great Bwana stands triumphant—not over nations repenting in sackcloth and ashes, not over kings trembling at his words, but over the one thing no biblical prophet ever mastered: the flawless, eternal escape clause. He has boldly gone where no true prophet dared: into the blissful paradise of never, ever being wrong.
What a legacy. What a witness. What an utterly prophetic way to prove that in the last days, mockery itself shall be fulfilled.
