The Root Problem of David C. Pack
David C Pack, the Pester General of The Restored Church of Another god, teaches biblical nonsense on the Scoville scale equal to a Trinidad Moruga Scorpion (2,009,231 SHU).
His biblical self-ordinations began with declaring himself an apostle in 2005. Then, he was Joshua the High Priest of Zechariah 3 in 2009. Since he was not met with resistance by the ministers or the members of RCG, it left the bathroom door cracked open for more wild assertions.
In 2015, he self-assigned the title of Elijah, who also later became That Prophet. He got away with that one, too. As the years rolled on, so did the frequency of David C. Pack seeing himself in the Bible. He is now mentioned almost as much as Jesus Christ, but do not get too excited because some Old Testament passages are really talking about the Father. Jesus Christ was the “Old Testament Spokesman” Who did not get to say a whole lot.
Just this week, Dave announced another false-start appearance of the imperceptible 1335 of Daniel and that his speaking on the wrong day of Tishrei 30, indeed, fulfilled prophecy.
The man can throw the Bible on the floor, let it flop open, then toss a dart from across the room, and it will land on a passage that is referencing him. Why would God need anyone else alive today to do anything for His Work when David C. Pack can handle it himself?
What is the origin of David C. Pack's belief that he is throughout the Bible? How does he convince himself that his verbal flatulating fulfills prophecy?
He has admitted that neither God nor an angel has told him thus. And yet, it is so self-evident that proving his words to anyone is a waste of time. The members "just gotta believe" because once he “proved” he was God’s Apostle, the sky’s the limit. (5% of Herbert W. Armstrong’s corpse is praising God that there was no internet in his day.)
I have a theory as to where his mindset comes from.
To avoid a choking hazard, readers are encouraged to stop drinking for just a moment.
We are all products of our childhood. Our parents had a tremendous influence on who we became. Some had to overcome severe abuse, while others were instilled with strong moral values and an emphasis on character.
A plausible theory is postulated:
David C. Pack was overly encouraged during his potty training.
You may resume drinking. With caution.
Positive reinforcement is a vital teaching tool to motivate children to doodie into the toilet instead of their pants. Maybe his parents went too far.
His dad would have been a critical element in sculpting a future prophecy know-it-all. He told him that only real men doodie in the toilet, not in their pants. Pack men were known for having brilliant doodies, and someday, he will doodie as wonderfully as his ancestors who fought in the Civil War. Those were strong men of courage. And they could doodie on their own.
Little Davey took it to heart.
The child David C. Pack took that inspiration and was so successful at enduring what the Klingons call "The Rite of MajQa," that he understood from then on that he was destined for greatness.
His mother praised him that he was “such a good boy” for making the doodie in the toilet and not in his pants. A Revelation Anvil fell out of the sky and pounded a notion into little Davey’s head that he possessed special abilities.
Perhaps that process lingered on for longer than it should have since Dave still thirsts for accolades today. Maybe he even pretended to need training longer than was necessary just so he could hear more of his mother telling him how strong and amazing his doodies were.
Adolescent David C. Pack became proud. Even of his own doodies. Encouraged by his smiling mother. Inspired by his approving father. But they were just doing what all parents do with all their children: Train your child to doodie in the toilet and not in their pants.
We cannot blame Randall or “Grammar” Pack for what would become of their son. He took a process that every person goes through and found uniqueness in his own existence inside the grand scheme of Creation.
If only this enlightening philosophical expose was in print at the time of David C. Pack’s childhood! First published in Japan in 1981, the book written by Taro Gomi rose to be an international sensation.
Had little boy Davey understood what he was accomplishing upon the porcelain throne was not greatness, but a common bodily function that even snails perform, maybe he would not see himself as an apostle today.
That book could have spared thousands of individuals years of suffering if published forty years earlier. "People person" David C. Pack would have learned how to doodie in the toilet and not in his pants and that it was not a sign of biblical significance.
Empowered by his magnificent doodies, the adult David C. Pack has constructed the mindset that if his doodies are this important, undoubtedly, his words must be doubly so. Add religion into the mix, and you have a doodie cocktail ready to explode. What do you know? David C. Pack is all throughout the Bible!
For those stuck inside RCG, the next time David C. Pack explains how he is the “David” in the Old Testament, imagine your Pester General sitting upon this throne, and it will bring a smile to your ungrateful, sullen face.
When you are tempted to be awed by his mere presence, remember that Pester General David C. Pack sits on that very spot (at least) once a day. If “all is well” gastronomically speaking and his fiber and coffee intake are “right on track.”
Remember that his words are not dipped in gold. His doodies are not dipped in gold. His doodies are not apostolic. His doodies are not Elijahn. His doodies are not foretold.
He is just another man with goofy ideas that figured out a creative way to swindle your retirement savings so he could buy more trees. The only profound doodie is resting between his ears.
The heart-breaking tragedy of this story is that David C. Pack was ahead of his time. It took almost seventy years for his superior doodie-making talents to be fully appreciated by the general masses due to the advent of the interwebs, where he now shines as bright as that artificial sun the Chinese launched into the atmosphere this week.
Yet, he continues to brag how he has passed more doodies than anyone who has ever lived. He has studied doodies more than anyone in The Worldwide Church of God. He can doodie in his sleep and never even needs to pick up the toilet paper. He can compose a list of the types of doodies he has produced without stopping because the memories come to him faster than he can write them down.
He is an idiot-savant when remembering every doodie by name, with dates to boot. That is not arrogance. He is just built that way, brethren. If it were not for the tireless efforts of his talented and experienced assistants, The Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy, his doodies could not have been made so plain to the brethren inside RCG in just seven years.
All the toilets he ever knew or even heard of have nothing but wonderful things to say about his outstanding doodies. They were privileged and honored to accept his doodies. They are prime examples of his power, authority, and clarity. No one else on the face of the earth can doodie as David C. Pack can. It is just a fact.
Standard RCG protocol when in the presence of the Chief Doodie Maker includes:
· You must refer to him as "Mr. Pack" because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
· You must wait for him to initiate a handshake because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
· You must stop speaking when he is talking because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
· You must not take a picture of him wearing a short-sleeved shirt because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
· You must be grateful for the knowledge he blesses you with because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
A “Leadership and Protocol” class in Ambassador Center is required if you work at Headquarters that teach you such things. Because he doodies in the toilet, not in his pants.
David C. Pack is such an exceptional person, it is hard to fathom that he EVER doodied in his pants and NOT in the toilet. He will turn 74 this December. Has the process he once mastered begun to reverse? Accounts from reliable sources are inconsistent and, therefore, inconclusive.
It is better to think of him the way he was in his prime. Making doodies in the toilet and not in his pants. After all, that will be his true legacy.
You may think this is complete satire. It is not. This would answer many questions regarding, "What is wrong with this man?”
He was trained as a child to doodie in the toilet and not in his pants. Interestingly enough, what comes out of both his ends today are equally pleasing and have the same value.
What is the actual origin of the ranting of a biblical fraud? Hard to say for sure.
My David C. Pack doodie theory will hold until proven otherwise.
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
I know this because I doodie in the toilet, not my pants.
14 comments:
This is disappointing Marc. You usually write great stuff, but this is a strange read.
‘Everyone poops’ by Taro Gomi.
Slight correction here.
According to North Korean press the ‘Leadership’ doesn’t.
Hence this book was not a best seller in…………………….North Korea.
That is the plain truth.
That aside, we could easily say that some ministers would think their own ‘sh*t’ doesn’t stink by their sanctimonious attitude to the sheep they ‘shepherd’.
Incredibly say what is happening in RCG.
Oh my gosh...two days in a row with articles, videos so hysterical that my tummy hurts from laughing!! Thank you Marc. Thank you creepy clown dude. You brought me to tears with laughter!!
As for your theory, Marc, I think you may be onto something. This level of arrogance, pride and b.s. had to start somewhere and potty training is as good a possibility as any. His sociopathy is rooted in his upbringing and the brainwashing at Ambassador College just cemented the crap in place for the entirety of his adulthood. His mimicking of HWA's incessant need to be a somebody, to be respected (yet not earned) was the icing on the cake. Every single one of the leaders of the splinters all have exactly the same modus operandi. I am THE leader of THE one true church and you must respect my authority, as Cartman says. Problem is, they are all bloated with pride and devoid of Biblical understanding.
But hey, Cartman managed to crap out his mouth and Dave did too!
Everyone poops except the animals on the Ark. this is an irrefutable fact that my LCG ministers said while he was still in WCG. God sealed the anuses till they could get off the Ark. imagine the smell and the sound when they all let loose!
I was beginning to wonder if too many attempts to logicize Dave would begin to have peculiar effects on Marc. I advise not to get too shitty.
DW, for the record, those COG Critic videos on YouTube are not me. That is not my style nor the type of content I put up. You are the second person to mistake me for COG Critic. I do not even know who that guy is as his voice is not familiar to me. -- And yes, DCP is as talented as Cartman.
Anon Oct 29 @ 2:16PM - If you usually enjoy my articles, then perhaps you can forgive me this one time. Humor is a way of healing. I must be trying to heal BIG TIME. I was laughing so much writing that, I still have a headache. If you are disappointed, then I think you thought too highly of me. I'm just a guy calling it as I see it. I can get serious, I can get angry, and I can be ridiculous. Today was being ridiculous.
The next Exit Story is going to be something else! From a young perspective I never considered before. I am so excited to release it into the wild within the next few days.
Maybe the animals were put into a state of hibernation. This way, no food had to be stored on the ark and no animal waste had to be cleaned up.
The comments about the ‘Ark’ and the animals reminded me of a chap I met in my working days who commented he had left his church.
The problem he had was the dinosaur fossil record. And the answers he kept on receiving.
‘Anyone can put any old bone’s anywhere and call them dinosaur’ was the common refrain.
It was the complete lack of intelligent conversation on the subject that made him aware of the shallowness of understanding and general knowledge within the organisation he was part off. Was it wilful ignorance or just the inability to explain what was plainly there in front of them, and how to reconcile their faith with the obvious, that accounted for this malaise.
I think this is a struggle for all people of faith, not just within Armstrongism face.
A bit off subject to the post, apologies to all.
Oh no I can't believe it. We have that exact book about everybody poops. Someone gave it to my sister and then she gave it to me and my son thought it was most hilarious thing he'd read since Winnie the Pooh. Anyway you're right he poops all over his members and those who have to live with them too.
Marc, I know the clown video is not you. That is why I said said thank you Marc and thank you creepy clown dude. That guy has a different voice and sounds like maybe a Canadian accent?
All cult leaders derive their power over their followers from one source. That source is their followers belief that their leader is a god-like being. It's psychology 101. Hence the Jehovah Witnesses board of governors claim that God exclusively talks to their church through them alone. The scripture they point to says no such thing. This is another cult trick, pointing to scriptures knowing that members will not check up on. They hide that Christ's death resulted in the veil in the holy of holies splitting in two, giving every person direct access to God the Father.
So cult leaders putting themselves on a pedestal with all manner of titles is their means of maintaining power and control over their followers.
Btw, part of exalting themselves involves putting down and belittling their members. Hence HWA's frequent "beware of the sin of self esteem." Everyone is dog crap except Herb and his Gestapo ministers.
Not your best David C Pack expose'
“A plausible theory is postulated: David C. Pack was overly encouraged during his potty training.”
That is no mere theory. It is obviously the PLAIN TRUTH. It is the only logical explanation of how Davey Poo can now put out such massive quantities of dung on such a regular basis. Not to mention pissing on his followers.
The COGs produce piles of doodle and it amazes me the sorting through the piles that people seem to relish -- constant analysing, comparing and picking through the most toxic human refuse that can be produced. Pack, like every Herb wannabe, is a narcissist of the most extreme form. The original sin that caused it isn't relevant because being an asshole is a choice, not something done to one as a child. He chooses to be a dick. He chooses to fleece the vulnerable because he's a narcissist. He's not actually delusional. He's evil. They all are. The worse kind of evil. They put their own egos ahead of the humanity of those they claim to serve and happily rob them of their life and livelihoods by convincing them to live for the end of the world. Pack belongs in prison just like all the Herb wannabes. Including my father who was one. They are among the greatest evils on earth. And when I say evil, I'm not talking Satan. I'm an atheist. I don't believe in spirits and all of that BS. What I know is that Pack chooses every day to steal from those he sells lies to and he's capable of the same things a David Koresh is capable of. None of these henchman or those who follow them can blame their childhoods or their doodles. They chose. And they choose every day to steal from their emotionally vulnerable victims.
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