Aaron Dean: Most Of You Failed The Test When HWA Died

 

Screenshot credit from a highly placed NASA employee

Oh, pray tell, how is it possible that all you miserable, Laodicean-leaning reprobates—you who have so callously and wickedly spurned the sacred truths of Armstrongism—still can't wrap your spiritually-blinded little heads around the obvious fact that you were supposed to cling desperately to the ONE TRUE FAITH, exactly as the saintly, unflinching Aaron Dean has done with such superhuman loyalty all these decades?

I mean, really? You failed the test. Spectacularly. Catastrophically. Woe unto you, you wretched, backsliding, lukewarm Laodiceans! The clock is ticking, judgment is at the door, and you have but a pitifully short sliver of time left to fall on your faces in tearful, gut-wrenching repentance and crawl back to the one true faith before the Great Tribulation turns you all into crispy spiritual toast.

But—hold everything—which glorious "one true faith" would that even be, exactly? Enlighten us, O wise ones! Is it the dusty remnants of the original Worldwide Church of God (you know, the one that politely imploded and became Grace Communion International overnight)? Or perhaps the United Church of God (where Aaron Dean himself actually serves, because apparently that's where the purest remnant landed... or did it?)? No, wait—surely it's the Living Church of God, with its endless video sermons and dramatic warnings? Or the Philadelphia Church of God, guardians of the sacred copyrights and Malachi's Message? Maybe the Restored Church of God, where Dave Pack is still busy "restoring" everything by demanding your house, your savings, and your firstborn? Or how about the Continuing Church of God, Bob Thiel's ever-growing YouTube empire of "continuing" what everyone else supposedly lost? Don't forget the Church of God International, or any of the dozen other microscopic splinters claiming exclusive divine appointment.

Go ahead—pick one. Any one. Because surely one of these glorious outfits has managed to set a shining, consistent Christian example of grace, love, humility, forgiveness, and actual brotherly kindness without descending into yet another round of lawsuits, character assassinations, power grabs, doomsday date-setting, or thinly veiled demands for your tithes so the "work" can continue (mostly by buying more TV time to scream about the same work).

The sheer irony is almost too delicious: Here are all these groups proudly proclaiming they've preserved "the truth once delivered," the very doctrines Mr. Armstrong restored through divine revelation... yet somehow they've misplaced the minor details like "love your neighbor," "bear one another's burdens," "by this shall all men know that you are My disciples—if you have love for one another," and—oh yes—that pesky "fruit of the Spirit" thing that doesn't include constant division, finger-pointing, and declaring everyone else a tool of Satan.

If Aaron Dean—or anyone else—has managed to stay loyal to the original vision without descending into the same patterns of strife that plague so many of these groups, perhaps the real question isn't "Who has the purest doctrine?" but rather "Who is actually bearing the fruits that prove they are Christ's disciples?"

So, to all you who walked away in disgust: Examine your treacherous hearts and REPENT! UCG is ready to welcome you with an open arm, while the other is tugging at your wallet.

And to all you who remain loyally clustered in your chosen splinter: Do the same—quickly—before another "new revelation" or leadership purge hits.

Time really is short. Repentance is still on the table. Genuine love might even break out one day.

But only if everyone stops pretending their little group alone has cornered the market on God's favor while treating everyone else like spiritual lepers.

Tick-tock, brethren. Tick-tock.