Ah, yes, those were the glory days, weren't they? Back when we'd eagerly await those legendary letters from HWA himself, hammered out on his trusty typewriter—whether in his office or mid-flight on the plane like some airborne prophet. Sure, most of us only ever saw the polished, crisp white-paper versions, neatly blaming the brethren for every church mishap or urgently demanding more cash to keep the Work afloat. And oh, how the Envoy or Worldwide News loved splashing photos of Herb's typed missives across the pages, just to prove how tirelessly he was slaving away for us all. Those letters were pure gold—effective as ever at opening wallets by the ton.
Fast-forward to 2026, and behold the new era of apostolic excellence: Samuel Kitchen, self-proclaimed leader of the one true Worldwide Church of God (Iowa branch, naturally), now channeling his inner HWA by furiously typing—or perhaps letting AI do the heavy lifting—grand histories of the church. Complete with that authentic vintage flair: random jumps between upper and lower case, CAPS IN BOLD RED for dramatic emphasis, and even those charming strike-throughs to simulate "oops, I made a mistake but I'm too frugal for White-Out" authenticity. Truly, the spirit of thrift lives on.
His latest masterpiece? A riveting 10-page epic titled "1986 to 2026: A SUMMARY OF THE HISTORY OF THE WCG". It's the usual delightful cocktail of whack-a-doodle theology, conspiracy-level rants, and—surprise, surprise—a hefty portion dedicated to blaming Victor Kubik for every imaginable ill that's ever befallen the church. Because nothing says "continuing the legacy" like turning a historical recap into a personal vendetta hit piece. Classic.
Who needs actual apostles when you've got this level of retro authenticity? Pass the offering basket —history is clearly repeating itself, typos and all.
You can read all 10 pages here: Recapturing Tomorrow. There is obviously more to come since none of this mentions the dramatic role that Aaron Dean still needs to play.
15 comments:
I only read Christian literature in Times New Roman.....
nck
I only read Christian literature in Times New Roman.....
Papist?
Roman as in PAGAN?!?! Sad!
Does anyone know where Herbs original typewriter is?
Quite possibly worth millions. Perhaps it’s at the Smithsonian? Would make a wonderful exhibit at the Flurry HQ. Imagine the pilgrimages to said ‘piece’ icon. Former president Barrack Obama has said there are aliens. Perhaps these aliens communicated with Herb and he was moved to hit the keys. And the rest is history. Samuels writings will only have credibility if produced on the very same typewriter that Herb used. That would be insuring an unbroken line from the ‘apostle’ to the present. Now I have a bridge to sell in San Francisco if anyone is interested lol.
Does the letter mention anything about Herbert's strange relationship with his daughter Dorothy?
I'm embarrassed to be an Iowan.
I only read mine if it is in Papyrus
With any luck, it is the Scholl Canyon landfill, along with the hundreds of thousands of his books and literature.
Soon the face and voice of Herbert will reappear in AI form. And people will be able to make him say anything they want him to have said. And the video hosting sites will not care as long as the videos bring in advertising revenue. This is already happening with other famous people.
The often used key being the CAPS and exclamation mark. All they need do is dig out any old typewriter and say that it looked like Herb;s - it would still be worthy to be enshrined in their museum?
REPENT you sinner! Blow the dust off of your BIBLE!!! Turn to God and give me MONEY!!! Lots of it! Put your treasure in heaven!!! Where no thief can steal it, because I will have it ALL! Ha ha ha!
I can't decide if this is funny or if I should be afraid. Sam seriously needs help.
Sam has been wondering about raising money for an office. If he keeps up at his current pace, the local authorities may provide him with an office with tastefully padded walls for safety, and bars on the windows to prevent escape. Maybe if God favors him he could score Cell 111 or get an inmate number full of numerological significance?
I can't decide if 8:19's comment is a call for new co-workers.....
nck
Can't super-duper boy Sammy help take a guess on something significant today?
Such as : wondering if the disgusting Khamenei regime is about to be rightly blasted off it's high horse by Trump's armada led by USS Gerald R. Ford?
Today, tomorrow, or this week, will the Iranians soon be as free as we are...they might need a blog like this one but under the name of : "Banned by Khamenei!"
Iran should be something that Kitchen could focus on.
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