There are days when you wonder whether Armstrongism has finally exhausted its supply of prophetic absurdities, but then along comes Crackpot Bob Thiel to remind everyone that the bottom of the prophetic barrel apparently has a basement. This time, Bob has discovered a terrifying new development in the march toward the Great Tribulation: European supermarket refrigerators and freezers have been hit by cyberattacks! While ordinary people might see a cybersecurity problem involving vulnerable refrigeration systems, financial losses, and spoiled groceries, Bob Thiel sees something considerably more sinister lurking behind the thawed peas. Naturally, he sees the Beast Power!
According to Bob's latest prophetic idiocy, these attacks could help pave the way for the coming European Beast Power, who will supposedly promise protection and security to the frightened citizens of the world. Apparently, somewhere between the thawed hamburgers, spoiled dairy products, and discarded frozen vegetables, Bob has spotted the unmistakable fingerprints of the coming Antichrist. One can only imagine the excitement at. his mini headquarters. Forget international diplomacy, military alliances, economic upheavals, and the complicated political realities of Europe. Somebody has managed to interfere with supermarket refrigeration, and suddenly the prophetic alarm bells are ringing louder than a freezer temperature warning.
And naturally, we cannot have a discussion about the European Beast without dragging Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg into the picture. Bob has previously entertained the possibility that this German politician could become the mysterious King of the North. Apparently, Europe is not allowed to have a prominent German politician without Armstrongite prophecy enthusiasts wondering whether he might eventually become the Antichrist. Imagine the poor man's predicament. He could be attending a political meeting, having lunch, or simply trying to get through his day, completely unaware that somewhere in California a prophetic detective is examining his background and political connections while wondering whether he might someday control the world's frozen food supply. If Guttenberg ever visits a supermarket, he might want to avoid the freezer department. Bob could interpret it as a prophetic sign!
What makes this latest episode so ridiculous is the complete absence of evidence connecting a cyberattack against supermarket refrigeration systems to biblical prophecy. Criminals exploiting computer vulnerabilities is hardly a new development, and businesses suffering financial losses from cyberattacks is an unfortunate reality of modern life. There is absolutely no reason to imagine that a supermarket refrigeration problem is somehow preparing the world to accept the Mark of the Beast. Yet Bob takes an ordinary news story, connects it to a collection of speculative prophetic interpretations, introduces Revelation 13, and presents readers with another installment of his never-ending apocalyptic detective series.
In Armstrongite prophetic land, nothing is ever simply what it appears to be. A computer glitch becomes prophecy, a financial disruption becomes prophecy, an international disagreement becomes prophecy, and a new European regulation becomes another unmistakable sign of the coming Beast Power. Now we can add supermarket freezers to the growing collection of prophetic evidence. At this rate, if somebody burns the toast in a Brussels hotel, Bob will probably publish an article explaining how the smoke fulfills Revelation's warnings about the destruction of Babylon. Perhaps the next great prophetic breakthrough will involve a malfunctioning microwave, a broken dishwasher, or an unexpected shortage of frozen pizza.
The larger problem with Armstrongism is its endless need to find confirmation of its prophetic expectations in practically everything happening around the world. Herbert Armstrong spent decades predicting the imminent rise of a European superpower, the coming Great Tribulation, and the collapse of the present world order. Those predictions did not unfold as advertised, but the prophetic machinery never stopped running. Instead, the next generation of Armstrongite leaders inherited the machinery and continued feeding it newspaper headlines. Every generation gets its own collection of supposedly unmistakable signs, every international crisis becomes another opportunity to announce that the end is approaching, and every new technology becomes a possible instrument of the Beast. When the predictions fail to materialize, the explanations are adjusted, the timelines are stretched, and the prophetic spotlight moves to another politician, another country, or another headline.
There is also something particularly troubling about the constant fearmongering that accompanies these articles. Cybersecurity is a genuine concern, and attacks against businesses deserve serious attention, but there is a gigantic difference between explaining technological vulnerabilities and frightening religious readers with speculative claims about the coming Antichrist. Christians can take cybersecurity seriously without believing that every hacker is an unwitting employee of the Beast Power. They can recognize technological dangers without imagining that every digital innovation is a rehearsal for 666. Unfortunately, fear has become one of the most dependable products in the Armstrongite prophetic marketplace, where ordinary news stories are transformed into warnings that the Great Tribulation is just around the corner.
Christianity is supposed to be centered on Jesus Christ, the New Covenant, faith, grace, love, and the hope found in him. It is not supposed to be an endless exercise in identifying potential Antichrists, examining European politicians, decoding computer systems, and wondering whether the latest international news story is another clue that the world is about to end. Yet Armstrongism continues to encourage precisely this kind of obsessive prophetic speculation, leaving its followers constantly searching for the next frightening headline and the next supposed fulfillment of Herbert Armstrong's failed predictions.
Perhaps the most important question isn't whether a German politician will someday become the Beast. It is why certain religious leaders seem so dependent on keeping their audiences frightened about one. Fear is a remarkably useful tool when you are trying to convince people that you possess special prophetic insight that ordinary Christians supposedly lack. Unfortunately, Bob Thiel seems determined to demonstrate that virtually any news story can be transformed into another reason to worry about the end of the world.
So, the next time you visit your local supermarket, take a moment to appreciate the refrigeration department. Those freezers may be keeping your groceries cold, but according to Crackpot Bob's prophetic imagination, they could also be helping prepare the world for the Beast Power. Keep an eye on the frozen peas, watch out for suspicious German politicians, and whatever you do, don't let your ice cream melt without checking Crackpot Bob for the latest prophetic explanation.
The Four Horsemen may be coming, but apparently the frozen yogurt got there first!
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