As Armstrongism spirals ever more comically down the drain, flushing away into irrelevance like yesterday's bad prophecy, it hasn't deterred our beloved cadre of resident loons from spewing absurd and outlandish statements that could make a carnival barker blush. The wilder and more unhinged they get, the more they puff up their chests, convinced they're the sole divine mouthpieces on this spinning rock—because, obviously, God couldn't possibly have better options.
Tragically—or hilariously, depending on your tolerance for farce—the church has been a magnet for a nonstop parade of raving lunatics over the decades, from the sign-waving protesters and picketers turning WCG headquarters into a sideshow, to those self-anointed messiahs (mostly men, with a sprinkling of women for diversity) who fancy themselves God's exclusive spokesmodels. That's precisely how the likes of Ron Weinland, Dave Pack, Gerald Flurry, and the inimitable Bob Thiel bootstrapped their pint-sized personality cults. The more batshit bonkers their proclamations, the more they lured in that tiny flock of lost souls wandering the wilderness of confusion. These poor folks had their identities yanked out from under them in the so-called Great Apostasy, desperately grasping for any crumb of "truth" to nibble on—and lo, these charismatic crackpots whispered (or shouted) exactly the right mix of delusion to hook 'em.
The more prophetic gibberish and doomsday drivel they barf out, the tighter it grips those identity-starved wanderers like a cheap thriller novel.
This obsession with end-times claptrap manufactures a faux urgency and purpose, perfect for reeling in the perpetually panicked about world events—because nothing says "spiritual enlightenment" like doom-scrolling the apocalypse. Weinland's apocalyptic rants about impending catastrophe followed by a shiny "better world" (any day now, folks!) paint his outfit as the ultimate survival raft in a sea of sinners. Flurry and his ilk shoehorn today's headlines into biblical fanfic through rags like The Trumpet magazine, turning every geopolitical hiccup into "proof" of prophecy. It's a masterclass in exploiting fears of Big Bad Persecution or societal meltdown, all while the leaders wield it like a remote control to dictate behavior and hoard power. On the psychological front, devotees often succumb to "abdication syndrome," gleefully outsourcing their life choices to the guru for that warm, fuzzy blanket of false security. And why question the flops? The cult playbook conveniently labels any dissent as satanic sabotage or holy persecution—genius, really, if you're into self-preserving scams.
And then there's Bob Thiel, the undisputed king of self-aggrandizing cosplay, who's appointed himself to more biblical roles than there are pages in the Good Book itself—yet somehow, the humility deficit never slows him down. Today, he's channeling the Two Witnesses, because why not add apocalyptic tag-team partners to his resume? Shocking precisely no one, we all know where this ego parade is headed: straight into another round of prophetic face-plants, with Thiel emerging unscathed in his own mind, ready to claim the next divine title on the clearance rack.
After whining incessantly about an article from Gerald Flurry about the identity of the Two Witnesses, and how, since Herbert Armstrong had died, he was not the end-time Zerubbabel or one of the two witnesses, celestial Bob has this to say:
Since Herbert Armstrong died, he obviously was not one of the two witnesses, and his reference to those two identified in Haggai and Zechariah is a reference to an end time Zerubbabel and Joshua. Thus, based upon his own writings, Herbert Armstrong was not Zerubbabel. But he pointed to someone from the 20th century who would be:
Hum, I wonder who THAT could be????? The rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper:
Since Christ is the foundation, the chief cornerstone (Matthew 21:43; Ephesians 2:20) of the Christian temple (1 Corinthians 3:16), some have suggested that “Zerubbabel” may have been a type of Christ–especially since Jesus is specifically prophesied to return (Revelation 17:14) and destroy the kingdom of the Gentiles (Revelation 11:15; Haggai 2:21-23).
Yet, since “Zerubbabel” saw the original temple and is not recorded as laying its foundation (and really, he could not have as he had not been born then), then it appears that perhaps “Zerubbabel” would seem to be some individual who is prophesied to rise up in the last days–and that is what Herbert Armstrong believed scripture required. If so, he would have likely been someone who saw the old Ambassador Auditorium and WCG work, and perhaps helped lay the foundation for the final phase of the Philadelphia work. Zerubbabel would not be a ‘newcomer’ as some suggested that both of the two witnesses might be.
And, deeper downit goes:
As far as names go, Zerubbabel means descendant of, or born of, Babylon (OT:2216; Zerubbabel. Biblesoft’s New Exhaustive Strong’s Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary) or “stranger at Babylon.” Thus, it could be that the prophesied Zerubbabel may have been born into a family that was part of the religion that will support the final Mystery Babylon of Revelation 17:5 (like one based out of the city of seven hills–Revelation 17:18). Because of the meaning of the name ‘Zerubbabel,’ it would seem that it is not a direct reference to Jesus, as some have suggested, since He was not born of Babylon and His human parents were not Babylonians.
Notice the problem with that other personage of the two witnesses...he was too stupid to support the Continuing Church of God in the past, and that God had to "push him" to acknowledge the way and the truth that only exists in the CCOG.
Joshua, Yehowshu`a, seems to mean “Jehovah saves” (Ibid, OT: 3091). This Joshua’s father’s name was Josedech (Haggai 1:12), meaning “Jehovah-righted” (OT:3087 ). Perhaps his father was called out of religious Babylon to be a true Church of God Christian? Anyway, since Zechariah 3:3-5 shows that for a time Joshua wears “filthy garments,” it may be that he affiliated too long with Laodiceans, who need to put on “white garments” (Revelation 3:14-18)–hence maybe that means it took him time before he completely would support the Continuing Church of God and that God (Jehovah/Yahweh) had to push him to the right way.
Perhaps the names Zerubbabel and Joshua indicate that one of the witnesses was born into a Roman Catholic family (and later was called and converted to be part of the Church of God) while the other was born into a Church of God family and remained part of the Church of God. Since Joshua was a high priest, he would have had to be born in a family keeping the biblical faith.
Zerubbabel ends with this:
So who are the two witnesses?
1. The two witnesses are humans that God will give special power to.
2. They are true prophets of God.
3. They provide testimony of the truth about God and the return of Jesus Christ to the earth.
4. Just like John the Baptist was really not Elijah, but came in the Spirit and Power of Elijah, so the two witnesses may come in the Spirit and Power of Moses and Elijah.
5. They may be a type of Zerubbabel and Joshua, and these men may have been born into Roman Catholic and Church of God families respectively.
6. They will have been in the true, and apparently most faithful, continuations of the Church of God.
7. They will hold Church of God doctrines like the Sabbath, the Godhead, the return of Jesus and the millennium, the history of the true church, etc.
8. Contrary to the claims of some, God has not yet clearly revealed their identities to the general public.
9. Those who support the semi-Catholic beast power (he will claim to be ‘Catholic,’ but will ultimately betray the Church of Rome) will apparently think that the two witnesses are false prophets, with one of them considered to be the false prophet of the Book of Revelation.
10. The two witnesses will apparently wear some black (clothing or something else) and/or sackcloth. According to certain Greco-Roman Catholic prophecies, one who is “black” (opposed to their church) and looks like a Jew (apparently meaning having original Church of God practices) will be one of the two that cause that church problems at the end.
11. The two witnesses are two who will accomplish the mission that God gives them.
12. The two witnesses will keep and teach the Ten Commandments, whereas false prophets and the coming Beast of the sea will actually violate them all.
Jesus warned that false prophets will arise and do miracles. Those who are waiting for Enoch and Elijah to literally come from Paradise to the earth, before they will accept God’s true witnesses, are deceiving themselves. The vast majority of human beings will be deceived (Matthew 24:24; 2 Thessalonians 2:9-12). But you do not have to be.
The two witnesses will be killed and there are non-biblical prophecies that others may rely on to support killing them.
The two witnesses are most likely alive now, and God will raise them up probably in the relatively near future. The two witnesses will more successfully proclaim the gospel of the kingdom of God.
Those who do not wish to be deceived need to repent and believe the gospel now, as later it may be too late.
I can state, beyond a shadow of doubt, that Bob Thiel is NOT a modern-day Zerubbabel or that he will be one of the two witnesses, or that he is even a true Church of God leader.
We all know where this is ultimately headed:
...straight into another round of prophetic face-plants, with Thiel emerging unscathed in his own mind, ready to claim the next divine title on the clearance rack.
