Oh, sweet merciful heavens, let us now bow our heads in reverent awe at the epic biblical saga that has unfolded across the blessed continent of Africa.
For countless glorious, pre-Thielian epochs, our prophet Wade Cox—humble servant of the One True Church—has magnanimously informing anyone who would listen (and most who wouldn’t) that hundreds of thousands—no, scratch that—millions upon MILLIONS of precious African souls were somehow, inexplicably, bowing at the altar of his infinitesimally tiny, ultra-exclusive, last-days-only cult. Entire sovereign nations, we were assured, were on their knees night and day, clutching their well-worn King James Bibles, weeping, and chanting in perfect unison: “Wade! Wade! Please let us in! We promise we’ll keep the new moons better than anyone!”
And then… lightning cracks, heavenly choir hits an off-key high note… His Thielness descended upon the African plain like Moses with better internet and a GoPro. Suddenly—hold onto your prayer shawls—tens of thousands (probably more like 47, but who’s counting when you’re rewriting church history?) are flocking to his banner in what is objectively, indisputably, THE single most earth-shattering, demon-slaying, prophecy-fulfilling, greatest-of-all-time Church of God explosion since… well, since last Tuesday when someone else claimed the same thing.
Truly, we are witnessing the pinnacle of divine numerical creativity. Both of these apostolic accountants have spent literal decades mastering the sacred art of “aggressive rounding upward,” “visionary projection,” and the occasional “oops-that-was-actually-three-people-not-three-thousand-but-God-honors-faith-so-it-counts-double” maneuver. All so their handful of remaining devotees can clutch their monthly letter and whisper through tears, “Yes… yes… we really are the most special, most righteous, most numerically impressive remnant that has ever existed. The other 99.999% of Christianity can only dream.”
And then there are the African Sabbatarian saints themselves—true masters of ecclesiastical speed dating. Loyalty? That quaint little concept died somewhere between the third tithe and the fourth “special love offering.” These spiritual nomads treat church affiliation like a seasonal Netflix subscription:
Month 1–3: “This group has the best sermons AND they’re sending rice!”Month 4: Funds mysteriously taper → “The Lord is clearly calling us elsewhere.”Month 5: New group receives 400 “new converts” overnight →
“HALLELUJAH! God has poured out a fresh latter-day revival… right on schedule with the new fiscal quarter!”
Cue wire transfers, joyous testimonies, and commemorative group selfies.
Month 7: Rice runs low → rinse, repeat, new letterhead, same palms.
It’s a beautiful, never-ending carousel of divine coincidence, where every time the money well starts looking a little dry, God—in His infinite wisdom—immediately sends yet another wave of eager, freshly-minted “converts” to the next group with the fattest wallet and the most gullible checkbook.
Truly, it warms the cockles of one’s cynical little heart to behold such pure, unfiltered, orchestrated gospel theater.
We are not worthy.
______________________________
Wade Cox had this up the other day:
Hi we have received another request for a consortium of 64 churches to join us this week as well as many smaller groups.This was my general letter to the coords involved.Dear Kandongo Joseph Ezekiel,Please have everyone study A1 and A2.I have cced this to all national coordinators in the area. Joash Okiny Hamisi is TZ coordinator and he will arrange for your induction there. Jack Owuor will assist him as is necessary for your induction. We will locate you with local churches there and in other nations. Bizimana Bosco our East and Central African project officer in Uganda will contact you and arrange for inductions also. Habimana Pascal is coordinator for Burundi, Jean Ramazani in Rwanda and Mudimba Muhindo Lene is in the Congo with Jean Paul Nyonzima. George Onyango is Coordinator for Kenya and we are in the process of inducting another large church group in these countries that joined us last month and others.It seems that we will have well over 40 churches in western TZ and Joash will talk with you about organising the west.I would like reports from all Coordinators on the churches in their national areas and to arrange for their induction. Send Joseph your contact details also.Warren and Sosten please arrange for the Zambia inductions with the others and advise me. (Warren is Coordinator for South Africa and Sosten is Coordinator for Malawi. Shungu is Coordinator for Zimbabwe).Just for information this makes over 110 churches in two months before Passover of the Sabbath Year. Perhaps we have over 10,000 added to us in two months. How many baptisms and ordinations before Passover is anyone’s guess.Wade
3 comments:
His Thielness descended upon the African plain like Moses with better internet and a GoPro
No. A GoPro would shatter the illusion that SquareBob SpongePants has a significant African following. His African witch doctors run their scam by taking still photos of small groups, which they send to their Bwana Muzungus in the USA in exchange for more money.
If Bob could deploy a drone with a GoPro above Evans and Radson, he would quickly be disabused of the idea that CCOG has a real presence in Africa.
Does Wade realize that Sosten is representing himself to at least two other American church groups as one of their ministers?
Well, eat your heart out Bob Thiel. Perhaps Wade and co can get some of Thiel’s ‘remanent’ leftovers to join them. I had a look at the CCG webpage and had a ‘wee’ read about them and Mr Wade. That was more than enough to bring on a severe headache, lol. Now if they just had 10000 join them, that’s muchly more than Flurry’s group. Perhaps that may make them the largest Armstrong group out there now?
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