WARNING! The Earth Is Getting Ready To Swallow Up All Of The COG "Korah's, Dathan's and Abiram's"

 

Why do so many Church of God splinter groups appear to be captained by men who clearly lost a very important argument with reality and never recovered? For a self-proclaimed elite remnant—the very crème de la crème of God’s special snowflake squad, personally selected to perform some world-shaking “mighty work”—we sure have a remarkable talent for attracting the absolute cream of the crop when it comes to unhinged, blithering, mouth-breathing leadership material. 

Common sense? Rational thought? Those poor things apparently took one look at these guys, said “hard pass,” and sprinted for the hills years ago, leaving nothing but a cartoonish cloud of dust and a note that read “good luck, you absolute clowns.” Honestly, your average garden gnome—yes, the one with the chipped hat and the thousand-yard stare—would bring more emotional stability, theological coherence, and basic human dignity to the table than 98% of the current COG “leadership” roster. And it wouldn’t even demand a second tithe.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the latest masterpiece from our favorite apocalyptic fan-fiction author, Samuel Kitchen. He’s back, baby, spinning yarns so tall they need their own zip code—something about the glorious Church of God gearing up to order the planet itself to open wide and gulp down its enemies like a cosmic Pac-Man. All perfectly timed, of course, to the sacred, mystical, numerologically significant anniversary of Herbert W. Armstrong’s checkout date. 

Remember the good old days when the die-hards used to camp out at Mountain View Cemetery every January 16 like it was the world’s saddest tailgate party, thermos in hand, binoculars ready, just waiting for HWA to burst forth from his grave like a budget-store Lazarus to single-handedly reboot the One True Church? Bless their hearts. Forty years of wilderness wandering later, even the most delusional among them have mostly shuffled off, muttering something about “maybe next decade.”

Anyway… back to Samuel’s latest award-winning entry in the Wishful Thinking Olympics.

1986-2026: FORTY YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS

On January 16, 1986 (6 Shevat) Herbert W Armstrong died in his home located in Pasadena, California.

This year, on January 24, actually marks the 40th year anniversary of his death (being the 6th day of Shevat on the Hebrew Calendar). 

 

For the love of all that’s holy and slightly unhinged—what is this relentless obsession so many COG self-appointed saviors have with slapping Hebrew calendar dates onto everything like it’s some kind of spiritual seasoning? Nobody in the real world thinks like that. Nobody cares. Normal humans say “January 16th,” not “the 6th day of Shevat". But nooo, they’ve got to sprinkle every sentence with “the Hebrew reckoning” to sound extra super-duper Biblical and oh-so-authentic. 

And then there’s our boy Samuel, who apparently spent the equivalent of forty years in the wilderness (fitting, really) digging through the Old Testament until—eureka!—he unearthed the perfect little parable to explain the spectacular dumpster fire that was the implosion of the Worldwide Church of God. Behold: the story of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram. Yes, those three charming gentlemen were, according to Samuel’s deep prophetic insight, divinely inserted into the Bible thousands of years ago for one sole purpose: to serve as a timeless warning so that today’s COG ministers could finally be held accountable in these perilous, super-duper-extra-special end times. Because obviously, the entire point of the Torah was to provide future ammunition for 21st-century splinter-group drama. How could we have missed it? Truly, the mind boggles at the sheer depth of this revelation.

Events to note that occurred during the 40 years: 

 

1. Korah, Dathan and Abiram, THREE SHEPHERDS(Zechariah 11:8) rose up among the assembly, against the government of God working through Moses. 

 

They were LEADERS among the Assembly! They kept the Sabbath and Holy Days, keeping the FUNDAMENTAL BELIEFS. They even were present during the receiving of the Ten Commandments of God! They saw the miracles of God, and the crossing of the Red Sea, and the plagues of God in Egypt! 

 

They didn’t like how God led through His ONE MAN, Moses. They wanted to organize where THEY WERE IN CHARGE. They called “the congregation Holy” and claimed that God ”spoke through them also”. 

 

They said Moses “concentrated too much authority to himself”. 

 

How like those who came after the death of Herbert W Armstrong! 

  

Now Mr. Armstrong, was a type of Moses. God appointed the ministry in this Church through him.

We have seen men rise up and create new church organizations, disagreeing with how God governed through the Worldwide Church of God. Disagreeing with the apostle whom Christ placed over them. 

 

Like Korah, Dathan, Abiram, they reject the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and the government of God.

And because they rejected His Government, their proclamation of His Kingdom being restored to this earth, is distorted and twisted. The event is SURE TO HAPPEN, but because they have rejected how Christ is governing His Church, they are leading people AWAY FROM GOD.(Deut.18;19-20; Deut. 13:1-7) 

 

The god of Armstrongism has got to be the most pathetic, limp-wristed, incompetent deity ever hallucinated into existence by the fevered minds of men. Satan’s got more gold stars on his scorecard than this supposed Almighty has. In fact, the Prince of Darkness is so ridiculously overpowered these days that he’s basically running the entire show—actively worming his way into the minds of every single COG splinter group like some kind of spiritual termite. Every. Single. One.

Except, of course, for the one shining beacon of purity: Samuel Kitchen. (And maybe Aaron Dean… for now. Poor Aaron’s street cred is evaporating faster than a puddle in the desert sun, so don’t get too attached.)

Samuel, in his infinite prophetic wisdom, has issued a solemn, thunderous warning to all the false shepherds infesting the COG splinter scene: [dramatic pause for effect] …and we’re all just dying to hear what fresh apocalyptic word salad he’s about to serve up next. Stay tuned, faithful remnant. The end is nigh… apparently.

Now for the last FORTY YEARS these men have done their deeds! God has sent warning through His servant. As a WITNESS AGAINST THEM. 

 

But when the TWO WITNESSES step into the office of Moses and Aaron, there will be sufficient witnesses to put men to death (2-3 witnesses). That is why you see the THREE SHEPHERDS in the wilderness falling and being swallowed up by the earth.

And it gets worse:

“And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth.” 

 

Let’s break down verse 16. 

 

We see Satan “persecuting the woman” in verse 13. 

 

Through that persecution the woman QUALIFIES for the promise mentioned in verse 14.
(see Revelation 3:8-11) 

 

Now verse 16…. 

 

1.”And the Earth helped the woman”. 

 

This is where the events of what happened to Korah, Dathan and Abiram occur. The earth opened up and SWALLOWED the camps and groups OPPOSING the Government of God, which had ROSE UP AMONG THE ASSEMBLY! Which came from the Worldwide Church of God? 

 

2.”and the earth opened up her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth” 

 

When the church goes to Jerusalem, and flees to the mountains, ARMIES (pictured by floods) will pursue the Church and God will cause the earth to open up and SWALLOW THEM. 

 

But what happened to Korah, Dathan and Abiram, came by way of the LEADING MAN of the Two Witnesses. He warned, and therefore when they didn’t listen, consequences came. 

 

At the close of the FORTY YEARS, the TWO WITNESSES remained, while none of the rebels INSIDE THE ASSEMBLY lived. They all were gone by the time THEY ENTERED the promises! That was to send a MESSAGE TO THE CHURCH! 

 

God was putting down a POWERFUL “AMEN”. He meant what He said! 

 

So this year, marks the 40 year anniversary of the death of Herbert W Armstrong, and the Worldwide Church of God has been spiritually fed through obedience to what was given through him. 

 

Those who oppose do not enter the promises but died in the wilderness. 

 

It’s time we listen to God’s Warning! EXIT THESE GROUPS! We are the Worldwide Church of God! REPENT and BELIEVE GOD! 

 

Is it really any wonder the once-mighty COG was permitted to dissolve into a sad little puddle of nothingness? Please. No sane person on God’s green earth is clamoring for the “restoration” of that charming little authoritarian nightmare so many nostalgic holdouts still wet their dreams over. It was vile. It was corrupt. It was abusive to its members in ways that would make a cult expert blush—and surprise, surprise, the same toxic “church government” blueprint is still being flogged like a dead horse in every aberrant splinter group that clings to it today. 

Newsflash: it doesn’t need to be restored. It never did. It never will. The universe has already voted, and the verdict is a resounding “hard pass.”

Samuel’s grand vision of himself single-handedly resurrecting the Worldwide Church of God under his benevolent shepherding? Yeah, that’s never going to happen. Not in this lifetime, not in the next. Aaron Dean will shuffle off this mortal coil still loyally collecting his UCG pension. And Samuel? He’ll spend his golden years in the same tireless, fruitless quest he’s been on for decades—staring at the horizon, waiting for Herbert W. Armstrong to come striding back from the grave to personally anoint him and reboot the glory days.

Spoiler: the grave is staying quiet. The glory days are staying dead. And the rest of us? We’ll just keep living in the real world, where calendars have normal months, and God doesn’t need constant man-made excuses for why everything keeps going spectacularly wrong when it comes to COG prophecies.