It Is The Day After Unleavened Bread and God's Favorite COG Leader Has Already Sinned

Just a few fleeting days ago, every single COG leader and member emerged from their solemn Passover services scrubbed sparkling clean of sin—like they'd been power-washed by divine Clorox. Pure. Spotless. Practically glowing with righteousness.

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Then, poof! They're back to being inveterate, hardcore sinners once again. Not one tiny victory over the flesh. Not a single pesky habit conquered, despite all that heroic self-examination and fervent prayer for weeks leading up to Passover. The second their feet hit the parking lot outside that high school gym or sketchy Masonic Lodge on Passover night, sin apparently slipped right back in through the side door like an uninvited guest who knows where the spare key is hidden.

They had already spent the entire month before Unleavened Bread obsessively hunting down every last crumb of leavening—under couch cushions, in glove compartments, behind the dryer—like it was the most important archaeological dig of their lives. And yet, the instant the sun dips below the horizon tonight, watch how fast the same people are elbow-deep in a basket of warm dinner rolls or slicing into a decadent chocolate cake. Sin didn't just knock; it kicked the door down and reclaimed its throne.

Truly inspiring stuff.

And now, fresh from the post-DUB victory lap, we have the Almost-Arrested-But-Still-Not-Arrested Prophet Elijah-Elisha-Amos-Joshua-Habakkuk (pick your Old Testament flavor of the week), otherwise known as the perpetually aggrieved and bitter Bwana Bob Thiel, ready to dispense his patented words of wisdom to all you filthy backsliders.

Because nothing says “spiritual authority” quite like lecturing the flock about sin the moment the calendar flips and the bread is allowed back on the menu.

DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE THAT YOU ARE AS TEMPTED TO SIN 

There are also practical, physical, considerations that can help you overcome sin. 

When you pray, “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matthew 6:13, KJV), the implication is that you do not intentionally place yourself in areas to be tempted. 

For example, if one is inclined to overly gamble, one should avoid going to casinos or visiting cities such as Las Vegas. 

One who is inclined to smoke should not hang out with others who smoke. Nor should they ever buy cigarettes. However, since smoking is a very difficult habit to break, sometimes one may find replacement behaviors or some other physical item helpful to break the habit. But if someone wants to stop smoking, they really need to stop buying cigarettes. They should also repent and ask forgiveness of their sins each time they smoke (or commit any other sin). 

As far one’s diet goes, God tells His people to “eat what is good” (Isaiah 55:2), thus Christians should be careful about their diets and not eat that which is not good for them.

When it comes to alcohol, one should not hang out with those that overly drink.  

Christians are not to run with the crowd and go along with the world. Sin grows (James 1:15) and spreads (Romans 5:12).

One flees sexual immorality by not getting oneself in a situation that could be somewhat expected to possibly lead to it, or immediately leaving a situation if it appears possible.

The paternalistic brilliance never ceases to amaze. It remains crystal clear that Bob Thiel—along with the rest of the COG leadership pantheon—views their loyal followers as little more than dim-witted sheep who couldn’t possibly tie their own spiritual shoelaces without detailed instructions from on high. Why bother developing critical thinking skills when your benevolent overseers have already decided what’s best for your diet, your wardrobe, your entertainment choices, your bank account, and—most importantly—your eternal destiny?

The members have been so beautifully conditioned over the decades that they practically beg for these guidelines. It’s far less exhausting to outsource all that pesky decision-making to someone who claims direct hotline access to the Almighty. Who needs personal responsibility when you can just follow the latest “Thus saith the almost-arrested prophet” memo and call it obedience?

But here’s the real kicker, the one unforgivable transgression that somehow manages to eclipse every other failing in the grand ledger of COG sin. Even as members heroically purge their lives of “bad influences”—no more worldly TV, no questionable friendships, no leavened bread for a whole week—there remains one cardinal, soul-damning offense that apparently never quite gets repented of.

In the ever-watchful, perpetually aggrieved eyes of the inveterate truth-stretcher himself, Bob Thiel, the most grievous sin of all is this: failing to financially prop up his personal ministry. Skip a tithe check, redirect a few dollars elsewhere, or—gasp—question whether every last cent is truly advancing the “final witness” work, and suddenly you’re not just backsliding—you’re actively sabotaging God’s end-time plan.

Because nothing says “true Christian humility” quite like being told that your deepest spiritual defect is not sending enough money to the guy who keeps rebranding himself as the next Elijah while his prophecies keep landing in the compost heap. Priorities, people. Priorities.

As Christians, it is not just enough not to sin, we are to do the work of God. Furthermore, consider that when you pray God is not limited to what He can give you–in other words do not neglect to pray for major change, not to just not sin, but to do and support His work.

Oh, please, enlighten me: show me the verse—any verse—where it says that failing to cut a check to a COG leader’s latest “final witness” vanity project is somehow a soul-damning sin. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Flip through your Bible. Old Testament, New Testament, Apocrypha if you’re feeling extra spicy. Crickets, right? Because it’s nowhere. Not a single syllable. Not even a vague implication tucked away in some obscure prophetic footnote.

Yet somehow, in the sacred theology according to Bitter Bwana Bob Thiel, your eternal standing now hinges on whether your bank account shows sufficient enthusiasm for his YouTube channel, his self-published booklets, and his endless parade of “I’m the one true prophet” announcements. Miss a tithe? Congratulations, you’ve just committed the unpardonable sin of the 21st-century Armstrongite era. Forget murder, adultery, or idolatry—those are small potatoes. The real crime is not bankrolling one man’s delusion of grandeur.

If Thiel had even a passing acquaintance with this thing called the New Covenant—y’know, the one Jesus actually died to establish—he might have noticed that the war’s already over. Victory’s been declared. The battle isn’t some endless, joy-crushing daily grind of self-flagellation over every minor slip-up, every stray thought, every insufficiently fervent donation. Grace isn’t a temporary hall pass that expires the moment you forget to fund the next “urgent” newsletter. The struggle? It’s not about mercilessly beating yourself bloody for falling short of some leader’s ever-shifting checklist. It’s about resting in the finished work of Christ, not auditioning for approval from the Almost-Arrested Oracle of Arroyo Grandeand Grover Beach.

But sure, keep preaching that the cross wasn’t quite enough—that what Jesus really left out was the mandatory line-item veto for supporting your favorite end-time personality cult. Because nothing screams “Old Covenant” like perpetual guilt trips disguised as godly stewardship.