Who Can Keep the Most Obscure Old Covenant Rules While Claiming Everyone Else Is Apostate?

Many members of the Church of God just wrapped up another thrilling observance of the Days of Unleavened Bread, complete with two or three mandatory days off squeezed into the week. Meanwhile, fearless leader Wade Cox has once again blessed his followers with the privilege of taking eight full days off work — just like the good old days of the Worldwide Church of God. And don’t worry, the fun isn’t over yet: another glorious nine or ten days off will be required for the Feast of Tabernacles. How thoughtful of their employers and school administrators to fully support this divine scheduling.

Cox and a few other extreme Church of God splinter groups love to claim they alone are preserving the pure, inspired truth that Herbert W. Armstrong supposedly taught in the early glory years. In their eyes, 99% of the rest of “COGland” has sadly fallen into apostasy, doing whatever they feel like. But fear not — the Coxites stand alone as the one true church, no matter how whack-a-doodle their rules get. After all, what other group can boast of converting half to three-quarters of the entire African continent, including plenty of Muslims? Even the most ambitious crackpot leaders in other splinters could never pull off such a miracle.

One of the more unique distinctions of the Coxites is their belief in a created creature they call Christ — a being who will return not in gentle grace, but to whip some serious ass because he’s so ticked off. This future Messiah will then implement the entire system of laws given to Moses at Sinai. As they proudly declare:

When Messiah comes again, he is going to introduce, in total, the system of law that he gave to Moses at Sinai.

They also insist there is only one true God (named Eloah), which conveniently explains why Jesus must be a created creature:

How many true Gods does it have? The Bible texts are very plain, and they say that there is only One True God Eloah and He sent Jesus Christ, and on understanding that fact depends eternal life (Jn. 17:3). His name is Eloah (Prov. 30:4-5; Ezra Ch. 4-Ch. 7, F015ii). No man has ever seen Him or can see Him and He alone is immortal (Jn.1:18; 1Tim 6:16).

How refreshing — a theology where the Savior has to earn His stripes by coming back angry and enforcing ancient civil laws.]

But the real litmus test for true Christianity, according to CCG, is following the “proper calendar.” The Coxites are teh calendar police of teh COG movement. Anyone who dares use the common Hillel calendar (you know, the one most Jews and nearly every other Church of God group follows) is automatically branded an apostate. The Mother Church apparently got led astray by the Church of God (Seventh Day), which cowardly adopted the Hillel system because — gasp — there’s no Temple or Sanhedrin left to confirm the first faint crescent moon sighting.

Thankfully, the Coxites have people stationed around the Middle East scanning the skies for that sacred first glow. As they boldly proclaim:

The true Church keeps the Temple Calendar, and always has done so, over the last two millennia. The Sardis system went into apostasy from 1940 over Hillel in both the COG(SD) and the RCG and later WCG and offshoots. CCG keeps the Temple Calendar.

They also still keep the glorious eight-day Passover/Unleavened Bread observance that the Worldwide Church of God wisely dropped decades ago. Because nothing screams “New Covenant freedom” like forcing eight straight days off work for bread without yeast.

Some other gems of the Coxites include:

The True Church of God has to keep the Law and the Testimony that comes from the Law, including the Sabbaths, New Moons and the Feasts, and the Jubilee system. Only CCG does this

The church is also governed by the Law in all aspects and anyone teaching that the Law is done away or that any aspect of the Law, apart from the sacrificial law, does not have to be kept is not part of the Body of Christ.

If you or your church is not doing these things or teaching that they are not required then they are not inspired. Get away from them.

And just in case you were hoping for a little normal life: CCG prohibits any trading or ordinary activities on New Moons or Sabbaths. So no sneaky donut or coffee runs, no popping into a movie, and heaven forbid you stream a little Netflix on a New Moon day. The horror!

Meanwhile, Back in the New Covenant…

While all this calendar-watching and law-enforcing sounds exhausting, the New Testament offers a radically different message. Christians are not governed by the “testimony of the law” or bound to the Old Covenant system. As Paul plainly stated:

For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” (Romans 6:14)

Of course, grace doesn’t mean “sin all you want,” but it does mean we are no longer under the heavy burden of the Mosaic Law as a means of justification or sanctification. The law served its purpose as a tutor to lead us to Christ. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under that tutor (Galatians 3:24-25). Grace and truth came through Jesus Christ (John 1:17), not through perfect moon sightings or eight-day forced vacations.

The ancient Temple calendar (based on actual visible crescent moons and barley ripening in Israel) was practical for a centralized nation with a functioning Sanhedrin. The Hillel calendar was a later, calculated system designed to keep scattered Jews unified after the Temple was destroyed. Neither one is presented in the New Testament as a requirement for Christians. Insisting that true salvation depends on getting the calendar exactly right — while labeling everyone else an apostate — is legalism dressed up as “restored truth.” Eastern skies for crescent moons. Must have completely slipped their minds in all

So there you have it, folks. If your pathetic little church isn’t making you take multiple weeks off work each year, banning Netflix on New Moons, teaching that Jesus is a created being who will return in a furious rage to re-impose the full Mosaic Law on everyone, and loudly declaring itself the only true church on the planet while the rest of us wallow in apostasy — well, according to Wade Cox and his elite band of moon-watchers, you’re probably doomed to eternal failure. How tragic.

It’s truly astonishing that the apostles somehow managed to plant churches all over the Roman Empire without ever mentioning these absolutely essential requirements like eight-day Unleavened Bread vacations, New Moon food purchases or cooking, or scanning the Middle Eastern skies for crescent moons. Must have completely slipped their minds in all the excitement of preaching the gospel of grace.

Thank goodness we have the Coxites to set the record straight after two thousand years. Because nothing captures the liberating joy of the New Covenant quite like turning Christianity into an exhausting game of “Who Can Keep the Most Obscure Old Covenant Rules While Claiming Everyone Else Is Apostate.” Grace? Pfft. Who needs that weak sauce when you can have legalism, sky-scanning, and a perpetually angry created Messiah instead?

True Christianity is defined by faith in the eternal Son of God who fulfilled the law for us, not by how strictly we police the skies for crescent moons or how many vacation days we sacrifice to prove our superior devotion. Grace still reigns — even if some groups would rather trade it for a perfectly observed calendar and a very, very angry returning Messiah.

The conclusion is now much more heavily sarcastic while still tying everything together clearly. Let me know if you'd like any further tweaks!