And Jesus? Don’t even get me started on that walking embodiment of unconditional love. The guy was supposedly head-over-heels for us, yet He spent His days seething with white-hot rage, just itching to spank every last filthy human into eternal oblivion. Bedtime stories for the whole family!
Our divinely-appointed leaders were the absolute cherry on top. They graciously instructed parents to deliver at least twenty full-force swats to their children — toddlers included, naturally — because nothing says “God’s true church” like welts on a three-year-old’s backside (shout-out to Carn Catherwood for that inspired parenting hack). Playtime on Fridays or Saturdays? Absolutely verboten. Unless, of course, it was the soul-crushing Ten Commandments game, Bible Caravan, or the Noah’s Ark game — the more joyless and Old Covenant, the holier it became. Pure, unadulterated fun.
Teenagers really hit the jackpot. The path to adulthood was a delightful obstacle course: slim-to-none chance of finishing high school, zero possibility of college, and if you somehow pulled off that unholy miracle, marriage and children would spiritually doom you forever. Succeed at everything? Boom — instant Laodicean, Lake of Fire reserved, thanks to that cursed bacon again. What a merciful system!
But the real family bonding came from the sermons yelled at us at church services. Nothing quite like hearing how we’d all be rounded up and shipped to German concentration camps, where the torture would make the Holocaust look like a spa day. Rod Meredith, spittle flying like holy confetti, would paint vivid pictures of us dangling from meat hooks, shoved alive into ovens, or crammed naked into gas chambers so tightly that when you finally died you’d just stay upright, shitting on everyone around you as your last earthly act. Peak childhood entertainment. Five stars.
We also had the cheerful cattle-car future to look forward to — or those big livestock trucks on the freeway, same difference — followed by friendly camp doctors enthusiastically yanking out all your teeth without anesthesia. Just to make sure the experience was extra special.
And who could forget curling up with the 1975 in Prophecy booklet, soaking in those beautiful illustrations of locust-helicopters and goose-stepping Germans? Or the true masterpiece: Basil Wolverton’s Bible Story books, where drowning sinners claw desperately at Noah’s Ark, screaming for mercy, while wide-eyed children were told, “This will be you if you’re bad.” Bedtime reading at its finest.
Oh, and if your minister, elder, deacon, or that charming Kevin Dean decided to sexually molest you? Well, suck it up, buttercup! Grin and bear it like a good little Armstrong kid. Can’t possibly embarrass God’s hand-picked, infallible servant. Submit, stay silent, and thank Herbert W. Armstrong for the privilege of being under church government.
Yes, sirree, Herb! Life was just spectacularly magnificent as a child in Armstrongism. So. Much. To. Look. Forward. To. Indoctrinate them young, terrify them senseless for decades, then sit back and watch them wax nostalgic about the “good old days” once every single prophecy crashed and burned spectacularly.
Truly, we were the luckiest kids on Earth.
What a blessing.
What. A. Blessing.
18 comments:
It is peculiar how Armstrongism simply taught Jesus as primarily two roles: The Lamb and the soon coming conquering King.
He was never understood as the personal Jesus despite the two sermons each year that touched on that. He was not shown to be the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Our Rest.
Instead, He was 1) the Lamb that died for our sins against the Law and 2) the King to punish those that do not keep the Law.
Another blasphemous post mocking God the Father and Christ.
When will these UCG ministers stop this charade?
They are the ones who are probably eating bacon and reading Playboy all the while standing in front of their congregations preaching as if they were loyal believers.
And what did the terror religion accomplish? It was a false God, the defacto North Korean social model. Are North Koreans famous for their excellent character? Israel, enslaved by the Egyptians lived in a similar society. Did they have an outstanding character or did God have to let them die off in the desert? There's also the biblical example of King Joash of Judah, who was kept moral by the High Priest Jehoiada until his death. Then the king turned to idol worship and killed Jehoiada's son.
The reason tyranny cannot work is because it's not possible to choose for others in the truest sense. Compliance can be enforced but a decision that creates character must flow from the person.
This is of God's doing and is implicit in Deuteronomy 30:19 "I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live"
Contemporary Christianity rejects this, choosing Borg obedience over members personal growth. They secretly regard the narrow gate as impractical.
Herbert W. Armstrong and his lackeys were nothing but a bunch of flaming a$$holes,
BB
What UCG ministers? When are you going to put your money where your mouth is and finally reveal their names? If you know something, please do share. I for one would take great joy in mocking these ministers, so quit holding out!
The mentions of God in the Post are critical of the way the Worldwide system depicted and taught them to be. Such description of this religions false ways are not blasphemous, but it suits you to describe it that way because you have no meaningful answer in any meaningful way.
11:36 They are indeed UCG Ministry but they won't stop. Not now Shabi is dead and Elliot is President, and yes they seem to love the cheapest cut of the cheapest meat: bacon. The pauper meat.
UCG members are in grave danger of being prey to these individuals.
They only wrote this post because another commenter recently had written "be blessed". They are plagued with jealousy of others lives, both in the church and outside.
And your a stiff necked asshole.
What a great pity all the taped series of 'Jesus words' by Ronald L Dart was not noticed by you.
Agree 100% with BB...the whole lot was/is a group of degenerates and reprobates.
"And your (sic) a stiff necked asshole."
At least I paid attention during English Class in fifth grade, and know the difference between the possessive "your" and the contraction for "you are"
Thanks for your confirmation of what we believe regarding those who typically defend Armstrongism!
BB
Continuing- How wonderful it was for WCG kids to grow-up and met the love of their lives perfectly matched and compatable from the limited selection of spouses they had to select from. The WCG kids would never think of leaving such a great church. They eventually would have kids of their own which would be trained to sit perfectly still and listen to all the fantastic sermons of doom and gloom. What a great life them and their kids .
You guys are too funny.
Anon1134, I think the greater pity is that you have to point to a particular minister instead of it being the standard among the congregations. And, the minister you point to was kicked out or pressured to leave the WCG.
Well Ed, I have no idea if Mr Dart was 'officially kicked out' of WCG. I mentioned Ron Dart's tape series on the Words of Jesus as I knew it existed.
Perhaps there are more out there along those lines but I don't know.
Ironically Garner Ted (of all people) preached a superb sermon on the character of Jesus, i think it was called 'King of Kings'. He went through the gospels systematically pointing out gems on Jesus interacting with people. It was outstanding and one of the best sermons i heard him preach. Another preacher from the CGI branch called Gerry Bernardo used to specialize in preaching outstanding sermons about Jesus.
Spelling and grammar mistakes happen all the time in the official posts and known named comments.
Wow, 11:33... Is that all you've got? The world just stopped revolving at such a profound statement!
12:13 how funny.
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