Crackpot Bob’s Holy Grail: Why Bwana Bob Still Worships Hislop’s Discredited Two Babylons Like It’s the Third Testament

Oh, what a gloriously sunny day here in California and in the annals of Crackpot Prophet theatrics! Bwana Bob Thiel popped his perpetually self-righteous cork like a cheap bottle of prophetic Mogen David wine the other day when the good people of Barcelona celebrated the installation of a monumental cross atop the Tower of Jesus Christ at the Sagrada Família. Nothing — and I mean nothing — sends our modern-day Apostle of Crossophobia into a frothing tizzy quite like the sight of a simple Christian cross gleaming in the Spanish sun. 

 

And what divine, infallible source does this self-anointed genius rely on to fuel his unhinged hatred of crosses? Why, none other than Alexander Hislop’s The Two Babylons — the third most sacred tome in the Armstrongist pantheon, right behind Herbert W. Armstrong’s Mystery of the Ages and Bob’s ever-growing stack of self-serving “revelations.” Because apparently, in Crackpot Prophet world, a 19th-century anti-Catholic rant dripping with errors, fabrications, and wild speculation isn’t just a quirky old book… it’s practically on par with Scripture itself. How absurd!

Oh, brethren (and sistren), gather ’round for another thrilling episode of “How the One True Church Clings to Debunked Nonsense While Pretending to Have All Truth.” For decades, Alexander Hislop’s anti-Catholic polemic The Two Babylons has been the golden calf of Armstrongism. This 1853 pamphlet-turned-book claims Roman Catholicism is just repackaged Babylonian paganism — Nimrod and Semiramis pulling the strings behind Christmas trees, Easter eggs, clerical collars, and pretty much anything fun or traditional that “they” do. Hislop’s methodology? Cherry-picked myths, wild etymology, superficial statue resemblances, and enough speculation to fill a dozen failed prophecy date books.

Herbert W. Armstrong and the Worldwide Church of God lapped it up like fine Rothschild wine. It perfectly “proved” that mainstream Christianity was drenched in paganism, justifying their rejection of holidays, their Old Covenant Holy Day obsession, and their endless sermons about how only they had restored the pure faith. Hislop wasn’t just a source — he was practically an extra-biblical prophet for the Armstrong empire.

Enter Ralph Woodrow: The WCG’s Perfect Proof-Texting Weapon

Not content with Hislop alone, the WCG also propped up evangelical author Ralph Woodrow as their go-to guy for slamming Catholics and Protestants. Woodrow’s Babylon Mystery Religion (1966) was basically Hislop lite — heavy on the Babylonian connections, light on rigorous scholarship. It checked every box for WCG leadership: anti-Catholic, “historical” sounding, and useful for proof-texting their narrative that everyone else was part of Mystery Babylon. They quoted it, recommended it, and used it to bolster the idea that true Christians must flee all those pagan-tainted customs and join the one true remnant.

Woodrow was hailed as a solid authority in Armstrongist circles — exactly the kind of outsider validation they loved when it confirmed their superior understanding. For years, his book helped keep the flock fearful of Easter baskets and Christmas lights, all while sending in those tithes to support the “work.”

The Great Repentance: Woodrow Grows a Conscience

Then came the plot twist that Armstrongists still pretend never happened. Ralph Woodrow, to his eternal credit, actually did the honest research he should have done earlier. He went back to the sources, examined Hislop’s claims, and realized the whole thing was built on sand — sloppy methodology, factual errors (Nimrod and Semiramis weren’t even contemporaries, folks!), fabrications, and agenda-driven nonsense.

In a remarkable act of integrity, Woodrow pulled Babylon Mystery Religion out of print, publicly retracted his support, and wrote The Babylon Connection? to set the record straight. He apologized, essentially, for helping spread poorly documented claims and urged people to rely on better evidence rather than chasing Babylonian ghosts under every Christian practice. Even the WCG reportedly began taking a second look during their transformation period.

What a concept — admitting you were wrong and correcting it! Too bad that spirit of repentance never caught on in most Armstrongist splinters.

Bwana Bob: The High Priest of Hislop Worship in the Modern Age

Fast-forward to today, and no one bows at the altar of Hislop quite like Crackpot Bwana Bob. Bwana Bob treats The Two Babylons as practically infallible — citing it left and right in his articles, booklets, and marathon sermons to “prove” pagan origins for just about everything. For Crackpot Prophet Thiel, Hislop’s word is gospel truth unless it conflicts with one of Bob’s own dreams or “double blessings.”

Never mind the mountain of scholarly discrediting. Never mind Woodrow’s public mea culpa. Bwana Bob keeps propping up this discredited screed because admitting it’s mostly bunk would unravel too many of his pet distinctives. It’s the same old Armstrongist game: cling to flawed extra-biblical sources that make you feel special and superior, while mocking everyone else as deceived.

Scholars — historians, archaeologists, biblical experts across the spectrum — have long dismissed Hislop as 19th-century propaganda full of errors and bias. But in Thiel-world, reality is whatever confirms the narrative that only CCOG has it all figured out.

A Sobering Warning: The Depths of Bob Thiel’s Delusions

This blind devotion to a thoroughly debunked book like The Two Babylons isn’t just a quirky footnote in Armstrongist history — it’s a glaring symptom of something far more dangerous. Crackpot Bob has built his entire prophetic persona on a foundation of sand: cherry-picked sources, self-proclaimed titles, and a refusal to let facts interfere with his narrative. When even Ralph Woodrow — a man who once championed these ideas — had the humility to repent and correct his errors, Thiel doubles down. That stubbornness reveals a leader more interested in maintaining control and feeding his own ego than in pursuing actual truth.

If you’re still following Bwana Bob, take a hard look at what this pattern means. His “ministry” is littered with failed predictions, exaggerated claims about his own importance, and a track record of attacking anyone who dares question him — all while propping up discredited 19th-century propaganda as if it were on par with Scripture. This isn’t the work of a true apostle or prophet; it’s the hallmark of someone lost in layers of delusion, using fear of “paganism” to keep people isolated from the freedom Christ offers in the New Covenant.

The real tragedy is the spiritual harm this causes. Families divided, lives controlled by legalism, resources poured into a “work” that produces more division and disappointment than fruit. History shows Armstrongism’s long trail of shattered prophecies and broken people. Don’t let Thiel’s worship of Hislop drag you down the same path. Step back, examine the evidence with an open mind, and embrace the grace and rest found in Jesus Christ — not in the endless rules, failed dates, or dusty books of self-appointed prophets.

It’s time to walk away from the confusion. True faith doesn’t require propping up debunked sources or following men who refuse to repent of obvious errors. True faith is not afraid of crosses.