Kieren Underwood: The Exclamation Mark Church of God!

The Exclamation Mark Church of God!

Kieren Underwood

Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a diseased mind." - Terry Pratchett

"Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose." - Elmore Leonard

For a man claiming to be inspired by God, Gerald Flurry's books sure are boring as hell. To paraphrase a quote I can't quite remember exactly, "God tells us he called the weak and base, but do they have to be banal as well?" 

As a child growing up in the PCG, I always had a feeling Flurry was a bad writer. I loved reading. But not his books. I don't agree with other Christian writers like C.S. Lewis and G.K. Chesterton, but at least they're interesting.

The years I spent at Herbert W. Armstrong College were probably the tipping point. I'd be sitting in my study chair, 6:00am and still groggy, trying to fit in the compulsory hour of Bible study (also known as: "Flurry's New Booklet" study). Then, bam--"This world will go through the most horrible suffering it has ever known!!"--smack--"The Laodiceans are going to have to face God's wrath!"--boom--"Joseph Tkatch Jr. is literally Satan!"--crack--"I am the new Elisha, bitches!!" Wait... I thought this book was about Daniel?

Not only would you have to sit through book-long rants against people you'd never met and the ever-immanent threat of The Worst Suffering Ever, you'd have to see it repeated in italics, all-caps, and then the most formidable format of all: the double size all-caps italics with multiple exclamation points. 

So I got to thinking the other day: just how many exclamation marks does Flurry really use?

Elmore Leonard, an author whose credibility comes from the fact that people read his books without the threat of the Lake of Fire, tells us to use no more than "two or three per 100,000 words of prose." Since most of Flurry's books are less than 50,000 words, we should be looking at one or two exclamation marks per book. 

I went straight to the first eBook on theTrumpet.com--January 16: God's Miracle Day. A quick search revealed 130 exclamation marks. Oops. At a mere 9072 words, this works out, according to Leonard, as an exclamation mark ratio roughly 716 times too large.  It also makes for an "exclamation mark to sentence" ratio of 0.23--every fourth sentence has one. 

I couldn't help myself, so I did the other books as well. Here are the results:

double click to enlarge

Flurry tops out near a 0.25 "exclamation mark to sentence" ratio. Take out chapter headings and external quotations I'm pretty sure Flurry could hit the 1-in-3 ratio, and then you could be in for a real nice reading rhythm. Calm-Calm-Shout! Calm-Calm-Shout! Just as you're about to fall asleep, you'd be hit with another exclamation mark wake-up call! No sleep for you! 

Some of the books which hit the high end of the ratio aren't ones you'd expect. John's Gospel--The Love of God tops the list with 24.7 percent of sentences ending with exclamation marks. God loves you--but he's really angry about it. The Epistle of James is second, with 23.7 percent, and taking third spot is The New Throne of David, which, of course, was unofficially ghost-written by Joel Hilliker. I wonder if he had to go through and add in extra exclamation marks just to give it an authentic Flurry vibe. 

I also wondered whether Flurry has been getting angrier over the years. So I sorted the books by publication date.

double click to enlarge

With the exception of Jordan and God's Church in Prophecy, Flurry seems to have become slightly angrier. From 1992-2000, Flurry sat at a 13.2 percent exclamation mark rate. Then, from 2001-2019, he took off, averaging 19.0 percent exclamation mark usage. 

On a final note, Brian Davis's The Administration of the Spirit, and Wayne Turgeon's The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have exclamation mark rates of 10.0 percent and 12.3 percent, respectively. Armstrong started the tradition, and PCG ministers are continuing it. There you have it--real, definitive proof of Apostolic Succession. Except it's not inspiration, it's just tone of voice.

Backslidding LCG Members Skipping Services

Why is it that the boys in Charlotte cannot ever compliment the members of the Living Church of God and say anything encouraging?  They are always getting beat over the head for some offense.  They can never do anything right.  Ultimately though, it is not about people skipping services, but the fact that LCG's income takes a hit.

From Church of God News:

Gerald Weston writes in LCG’s latest update (Sept.19):

“… we notice that when a Holy Day falls between Monday and Friday, our attendances are lower than when a Holy Day falls on the weekend. Everyone should be prepared to take time off from work or school, as this is an annual Sabbath, a Holy Convocation (a commanded assembly – Leviticus 23:4, 23–25). The difference in attendance is not great, but it is noticeable.”

Members are expected to make an offering on every annual holy day in addition to tithing. Not everyone can afford to take all these days off work, or is allowed to take their children away from school, and those who don’t attend might not send in an offering.

And some of those who do pay offerings in addition to tithes cannot afford to do so …

“… we take up offerings on these special days, and I hope all are preparing for this in advance. Sometimes people write checks for money they do not have in their accounts. Sadly, this costs them exorbitant fees, but what many do not realize is that fees are also charged to the Church. Please prepare in advance for these special days and do not give what you do not have.”

The Philadelphia Church of God expressed the same problem in 2018:

“Some members unfortunately have been over-generous. In processing holy day offerings and other donations, the business office has encountered more than 50 returned checks. A returned check ‘bounces’ because the amount written on it is higher than the amount available in the checking account. When banks process these checks, they stop the intended donation from going through and often charge the Church a fee.”

Its all about the money, plain and simple.  When will the boys ever wake up that their butt-numbing sermons are boring as hell?  Can anyone blame LCG members for skipping services?

Reminiscing: Lake of the Ozarks Feast of Tabernacles in the 70s/80s.

One of the "Holy Grails" of the Old Worldwide Church of God's Feast of Tabernacles was the Site which was located at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri. It is this site I wish to focus on today on a more reflective post as the Festival 2019 draws near for those who celebrate the Feast of Tabernacles. 

My memories are, you will understand, quite vague, as my time at the Feast of Tabernacles in the Ozarks was as a young child - 4 and 5 years of age. Yet decades on decades passed has not diminished many of the memories of the Ozarks in my mind. In fact, the details are as clear as ever -despite the fact this was so long ago. Perhaps my memories are shared by others who went there back in the 70s and 80s. Perhaps this post will bring back some memories. 

The Feast was hyped up to me as a child. My family had two weeks reserved for the Feast, so we took our time going there - and took our time coming back. The first year we went, we stayed on a beautiful lakeside cabin at the now-defunct "Lazy-D-Resort". The Second year, we stayed at an inexpensive twin-story motel called the "Scottish Inn" off Highway 54 - which, surprisingly, still stands today. 

There wasn't any lack of anything to do for young children on a vacation at the Ozarks. One of my biggest memories of the Ozarks was the Bagnell Dam - which still runs and exists much as it did back then. We were able to take a tour of the dam's powerhouse - a very frightening and loud place, I remember - and had no idea what the "two houses on stilts" on the dam's top were (turns out, they are massive cranes to lift floodgates). We visited a great Cave called "Jacobs Cave" just up the road a little bit - I can still remember the pitch blackness when they cut the lights, and the distinct "cave smell" that existed deep inside the bowels of the cavern. There was a little lady about my age I had a crush on at the time - whose parent ran the concession/gift area I still remember. 

There was also the "Strip" - an entertainment and shopping district just across from the Dam - which contained a lot of fun activities for the whole family. There was a mini-golf course which contained a massive "sky-slide", and bumper cars. There was an arcade which had "Skee-ball" - a delight for a pre-schooler and adult alike. Two large statues of Indians flanked each side of the highway. 

And, of course, there was the Tabernacle. A giant metal warehouse held all 14,000 of us Festival goers just outside of Route 54, right next to a tall water tower. There was never anything fancy about this "Tabernacle" - plain was an understatement. Yet, it did the trick for all of us waiting for a long, long time to get out of the parking lot when services were over. I also very clearly remember having picnics between services on the lawns of the Tabernacle - with egg salad sandwiches and potato chips. It was also at this site that I heard the infamous "Behind the Work" videos of 1981 and 1982. 

As far as church-specific memories of the Ozarks, of course, there was Armstrong hollering about, echoing throughout the cavernous warehouse his kingdom proclamations. There was sitting on the grey floor with a "Little Professor" calculator and a gray etch-a-sketch. There was hanging on to the coat-tails of a parent - and the awe of so many people everywhere. And of course, the long, tiring days of double services. Yet, one of my most pronounced memories was hearing "Behold the Day Will Come" and shouting out to all who could hear over the singing that the day HAD come - the day of my birthday. It was a late feast that year. 

Looking now, the Ozarks are, in many ways the same, but also, in many ways, very, very different. The "Strip" is but a shadow of its former self. The Dam is still there but looks more utilitarian and un-explorable then it used to be. The Lazy-D-Resort cabins are gone, and so is the massive Sky-Slide and bumper cars. Yet, a few of the long-standing memories still stand - the tall statues, the fudge store, and even Jacobs Cave. 

The Tabernacle itself? It's now an indoor boat-storage warehouse for the ever-growing lake and boating industry of the Ozarks. Surprisingly, it still stands - another former ghost of itself - a ghost of an alternate universe of times past. Those who store their vessels within the walls of the Tabernacle would have no idea of what took place - and what we believed - within and around those walls. Yet those of us who were there remember. And remember well. 

Much like the other Church-owned sites - Mt. Pocono, Big Sandy, and Wisconsin Dells, Ozarks had its own flavor and its own distinctiveness all of its own. For Worldwiders - whether you were a child, or an adult, for over 14,000 of us, the memories of times long past still hold clear and strong for those who experienced the times and the season of fall on the Lake of the Ozarks. And it's these memories that the onset of Fall brings clear for those who lived to experience the Feast of Tabernacles during the Armstrong Era of the Worldwide Church of God.

Submitted by SHT

LCG Leaders Continue To Treat Members Like Uneducated Little Kids

Why does the Church of God and particularly the Living Church of God continue to treat its members like little children that have to be constantly reminded on how how to do things?

Appropriate church service attire

What Is Appropriate Dress at the Feast?

At Worship Services: In most modern cultures, coats, collared shirts, ties, and nice slacks are considered appropriate attire for men on special occasions. 1 Timothy 2:9–10 explains that ladies should dress “in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation.” Just because something is comfortable or acceptable in our modern society does not make it appropriate at Church. As we gather to picture Christ’s glorious reign on earth, our ladies should be careful not to dress in a manner that can become a distraction to others from the real purpose of coming to the Feast.

LCG men...please do not wear these anymore!

At the Beach: Appropriate beach attire for women and men is swimwear that is modest and in good taste. Following our Living Youth Programs policy, beachwear at the Feast for ladies should be a modest one-piece or a modest tankini (covering the mid-section), and for the men, no Speedo-type suits. 

The State of UCG At 25 Years: Stale Sermons, Bored Youth, Uninteresting Websites

Victor Kubik writes: “The United Church of God is nearing its 25th anniversary. This time is proving to be one of critical reflection … Where have we been? Where are we now? And perhaps most importantly, where are we going? …

For 25 years now UCG has been struggling to find its purpose and mission.  After their apostasy from the mother church, the United Church of God has had one issue after another, even suffering a massive hemorrhage of ministers and members disgruntled by the corruption going on.  As hard as they try, they just cannot make a discernible impact upon the world or even with other COG's. Even with their new TV studios, they are still incapable of drawing an audience of potential money streams.

Dr. Ward noted that with the incredible experience of the Church’s youth camps, young people in the Church “may be so excited through their teen years” about biblical truth, but then comes a challenging “transitional period between high school and college and the first year of college” that often proves to be a difficult time to stay grounded and committed to the truth of God. It is during this critical transition time that young people can be in danger of slipping away …

Another issue UCG is having and as all of the other COG's, is their inability to keep their youth interested in staying in their churches.  Seriously, why should they?  When has the church ever truly cared about its youth?  Its focus has always been on money, strict doctrines, and insufferable sermons.  YOU, YES lessons and videos of a purple sock-puppet do nothing to keep the youth interested in church.

Thursday conferences, as Dr. Ward mentioned to the Council, are open and honest discussions, even to the point of admitting that sometimes the weekly church presentations in our congregations are “stale”. To build more energy and excitement into our weekly church meetings, Dr. Ward noted that “some of those things we could do – shorter sermons and more focused sermons and improving our messages – we really need to focus on … we really need more excitement and energy in the local churches.”

Stale?  Stale?  Try BOOOOOOOOOORING! UCG members on various Facebook groups complain regularly about how boring and dull UCG ministers are in their sermon subjects.  What more could we expect when they are sitll preaching the same sermons they were preaching while in the mother church decades ago?``It is almost 2020 and they still are stuck in 1986 mode.

Church of God News makes this astute observation:

Is Donald Ward correct in supposing that young people in the Church are excited through their teen years about biblical truth, but then slip away when they leave home? Could it be that children get bored much earlier with “stale” sermons and dull music styles, but continue attending until they are no longer obliged to do so by their parents?

What is their fondest memory of the youth camps? – the messages of “exciting biblical truth”, or the sports and social activities? Admittedly, young people flock to the corporate churches’ Winter Family Weekends – but do they go for the services and bible seminars, or for the sports and social activities?

COG youth have always flocked to the summer camps, not for the biblical "instruction" they got but for a chance to get away from home and to have fun with their peers.  It is more about fun than the stale and boring Bible junk they receive.  That is why so many flock to the annual Christmas weekends the church masquerades as a "family weekend".  They can play with their peers and secretly enjoy Christmas, while sitting through yet another insufferable Bible study or sermon.

Jim Franks of COGWA said recently that, “For the past 18 months, our unique visitors to Life, Hope & Truth has leveled off at just under 500,000 per month. This is about half the number we were getting at our high point. We are investing resources to develop a strategy to increase our numbers. There are some technical things that we can do with the Internet, but we also realize the need for more compelling articles that get people’s attention …”

How about dumping the boring subjects and have stories and articles relevant to 2020 instead of the canned crap of the past?  How can anyone find the current version of UCG as "compelling?