Apostle Malm's Sex Tips For True Christians

The apostle Malm continues his sex talks for TRUE followers of God today with explicit sex advice.  If you thought Herbert Armstrong's books and advice were kooky, wait till you get a load of the advice he is giving.  While it is not all bad, it is something Malm has no business whatsoever sticking his fingers into.

Here ya go, words straight from the apostle:

Advice on when  women might feel pain and then what to do if she can't fix the problem fast enough. i.e. The man has to be satisfied at all costs.....:

1)   Intercourse is intended to be delightful for both spouses, therefore if a lady experiences discomfort or pain she should immediately seek medical advice. There are a variety of problems, most of which can be easily corrected if caught early.  The important thing is to catch them as early as possible.  Of course a loving husband would not think of inflicting such pain and would refrain until the problem is corrected.  If this takes some some time [days or longer], there are other methods the wife can use to ease her husband and she should not be shy or hesitant about using them.

Advice on yeast infections:

2)   One such problem could be the common simple yeast infection.  One of the many causes of yeast infections is the simple bath.  When we sit in the bath we are siting in water that is becoming dirty as we wash, and also filled with soap scum which is alkaline and promotes yeast growth.  It is far better to shower; as in the shower the dirt and soap is washed away and down the drain, and we are not sitting in it for 15 minutes or more.

Advice on saliva as lubricant:

3)  Occasionally natural lubrication fails for a time.  In that case there are many sex lubricants out there for a significant price.  The best kept secret among lubricants and by far the cheapest is simple; scent free baby oil.  The price is kept very low since it is made for babies, but it is an ideal lubricant for intercourse.

I should add that the time tested and ages old lubrication method, is for the lady to simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ.

Advice for virgins to not stretch themselves before marriage, it's the mans duty to use his fingers first:

4)   Many virgins have inserted a finger and stretched themselves, out of fear of tearing during their  first intercourse experience.  DO NOT DO THIS.  The word “virgin” means that NOTHING has penetrated.  The husband should have the right of FIRST penetration, which is a guarantee of purity to him.

5)   The ladies in no 4 above, have a point.  To prevent any possibility of injury or significant pain the husband should first insert a lubricated finger and move it until his bride is comfortable;  then he should insert a second finger and repeat the process with two fingers. At that point he will be able to penetrate with  his organ, with a minimum of discomfort and a maximum of pleasure for the bride.

If man climaxes first it is his job to rub wife till she climaxes.  If that doesn't work, then you had better take stock on how you plan your foreplay the next time:

6)   If the husband climaxes before his wife, and she wants to continue he should do it again.  If he is tired and cannot, then he should simple rub her until she is satisfied.  He should then take note of the matter and take more time in foreplay next time around; until the two adjust to each other.  If he is exhausted and just falls asleep, she should rub herself to completion rather than burn for hours, and the husband should be comfortable with that.

If a couple is trying to get pregnant the man should refrain from any form or ejaculation for a week and the woman should not stand up after having sex.

7)  If a pregnancy is desired the biggest mistake is to try too hard;  The more frequent the sex, the lower the sperm count;  you cannot achieve pregnancy by shooting blanks.  The husband should not have sex of any kind for several days; better a week at least;  to build up a high sperm count.  Then they they should have lots of intercourse beginning about four to three days before the expected onset of menstruation.
Ovulation takes place about ten days before menstruation, however it takes a few days for the egg to travel down towards the unterus.

The wife should not stand up for at least an hour after intercourse to prevent gravity from working against her.

Orgasm is not necessary for conception, although it does help measurably.  The contraction of the involved muscles causes the uterus to draw sperm up into itself.

Once the woman is pregnant and ready to give birth she should not lay down but squat. While this advice may not be that bad, again, no spokesman of any COG needs to be giving.

8)   In childbirth, it is very important that a woman NOT lie down during labour.  She should sit up as far as is possible and take frequent periods of standing [supported by others].

It is modern medicine with their beds and stirrups for the convenience of physicians which has caused people to lose sight of the most powerful physical agency  on the planet:  GRAVITY.  Let it work for you and do not try and work against it by lying down through the labour period.

It is natural to want to lie down because of discomfort and pain; sitting upright will speed the process considerably and squatting will actually open the birth canal for delivery.

There you have it.  The Plain truth about good sex in the Church of Malm.  Just remember to do all of this BEFORE sundown on Friday!

Malm Says: "If a couple is burning, they should have a good session before Sabbath..."

The apostle is getting into proper sexual relationships today for a true biblical Christian who is a part of the remnant Church of God.

So much of this seems to be his desire that he wished he had accomplished in his previous marriage.  It all sounds like a hurting and wanting man who wishes he had done some things differently.

Malm was not impressed by Herb Armstrong's books on sex.  Well, for that matter, most of the church could have cared less too.  Those books were all written by an angry man who was pissed his wife was not putting out as he wished she was.  It seems Loma was frigid towards him most of the time.  Perhaps Loma was a wiser woman that we all thought!

Malm has this to say about Herb's books and the prevailing attitude towards sex by many of the splinter cult leaders:

The Armstrong WCG published two books on sex and marriage; both of them were filled with error and have produced great unhappiness, and often deep feelings of guilt.

There are also leaders of some groups who exceed God’s law and seek to dictate the sexual activities of their members beyond what God has commanded; substituting their personal hangups for God’s word.
Brethren, stick to the Bible and don’t let such men send you on guilt trips when no scriptural guilt is involved.  If anyone pronounces anything as sin; insist that they provide scriptural proof texts.

These books and the general attitude towards sex in the church have also produced a backlash leading to much fornication and adultery in the COG Groups.  I can tell you, based on my correspondence, that there are very many such cases.

Apparently COG members are bunch of horny bunnies who can't stop having sex and who DARE to come and worship God on the Sabbath.

Brethren, homosexuality, fornication and adultery and our many other sins have separated us from our God; and we dare to appear before him unrepentant on Sabbath and Holy Day, thinking that we are acceptable to God?

In the eight and one half years that I attended WCG services; I never heard a sermon on chastity or basic morality!  Not once!

When I arrived in Vancouver from Ottawa, I was shocked at the amount of open fornictaion going on, with even some reprobates bragging that they attended because church girls were easy.  A fact that the Armstong’s and certain other elders can attest to.

The apostle also wants you to known that you can be a fornicator and adulterer when you love your hobbies, cars and job more than our spouse.

Today in the COG as in the world, there are vast numbers of emotional and spiritual adulterers. If we love father or mother, sister or brother; more than we love our spouse we are committing adultery in an emotional sense, Mat 10:37.  If we love friends or job, hobbies, clothes or cars and any other toys, more than we love our spouse:  we are committing emotional adultery.  

 Menstruating wives are off limits even for seven days afterwards.  I imagine if Malm had his way the women in his cult would need to be using menstruating huts set apart from the rest of the house as one COG leader years ago had proposed.

Anal sex is not permitted in Malmism:

Anal sex is not godly or lawful, because it breaks the basic principle of love for our spouse, and not doing physical or mental damage.

 For those into bondage you had better look for other delights to play in:

The more obvious evils like sado masochism and bondage are also forbidden and should not even enter the mind of a person who has God’s spirit, for the spirit would not endure such depraved thinking.

Now to my favorite point from his article:  Sabbath sex!  Hot damn!  Oh, wait.....

Sex on Sabbath or Holy Days.  If a couple is burning, they should have a good session before Sabbath and then wait until after.  I do not say that Sabbath sex is wrong; Adam and Eve were created on the sixth day!  I only say that if passion can be satisfied before Sabbath that might be a good idea .

So all those burning hot hunks of man flesh chasing after nubile young women had better get their delight in before the sun goes down.  Life's tough in Malmland.

How dare COG members have weddings before the Sabbath or even on the Sabbath and Holy Days because it eventually leads to one thing: SEX ON THE SABBATH!  Oh Nooooooooes!

Then the apostle adds this, which I am sure Meredith and others will not appreciate.  The Church has always made it it's businesses of being in the bedroom too.

Beyond these things; the marriage bed is undefiled and whatever a married couple do for and with each other, is totally between them and is totally acceptable.  There is NO commandment or principle prohibiting vaginal, manual or oral sex between married spouses in the Bible.

No one has the right to force his extra-biblical positions about sex on married couples.   That is a great sin for it is adding to God’s law, and is commanding what God has NOT commanded.

No couple meed deprive themselves of the blessings of pleasing their spouses, just because some gentleman has decided for them what he thinks they should be doing or not doing.  What any couple  does for each other in their marriage,  is NOBUDDY else’s business.

E)   There is only one principle more to guide any sexual activity.

Never, never, ever; demand or attempt to force a mate to do what they are personally uncomfortable with.  But if both are willing, then enjoy to the full what God has made for humanity.

Tomorrow I will conclude with more information and some tips.

Oh goodie!  Sex tips from the apostle!  I can't wait!

God Speaks Out On The New Morality...oops...Malm Speaks Out On Good Sex

The apostle is weighing in on what makes for good and proper Christian sex (in marriage, of course.)

This are the things REQUIRED in addition to all the other myriad of laws apostle Malm demands that you be keeping.

1)   A wife is almost always in a state of readiness for sex if her husband is loving, caring and affectionate.  The golden rule applies in marriage; please others if you expect them to please you.
A good marriage and good sex starts when you wake up each day:  Are you grumpy, of a sour disposition, in a bad temper?  Demanding, selfish, controlling in too many little things?  Learn to lighten up and ease off, to be affectionate and cooperative with your spouse.
Are you a bully demanding obedience because your are the husband?  or demanding your “rights” as a wife?Then you do not deserve respect because you seek to demand it instead of earning it.

If you really, really need to have sex and your partner does not then you need to sit down and explain why you NEED it!

Instead of demanding, sit down and carefully explain why it is needed and ask for and discuss any input.  Show R E S P E C T for each other if you want respect yourself. Yes  the husband, and that means that YOU must set the example, and lead the way; you have no right to be a bullying abuser in word or action.  Yet the husband can and should also observe and learn from the example of his wife.

When you men don't want to have sex you had better think about that more deeply.  There is a really good chance you wife may be a "prophetess" in the kingdom and will be ruling over you.  So it's better not to piss her off now!

Do you not know that many women have been called to be prophetesses by Christ?  Do you not know that in the Kingdom your wife may rule over you?  You had better be ruling the way that you want to be ruled yourself!  For we shall all, if we overcome, be a part of the bride of Christ and we should all be ruling our families in the same manner that we hope Christ will rule over us.

Clean sex is good sex!  True Christians don't do smelly sex.

2)   Nothing turns a person off as quickly as atrocious breath or a stinky sweaty body.  To keep your mate interested, and to prevent infections:  always be scrupulously CLEAN.
Take a shower before sex!  Better yet; take it together!

Before you say Good Morning:  Ask God to help you to choose your words carefully, to keep you far from being peevish, demanding and mean mouthed.

Husbands have NO rights within the marriage except to act for the good of and in the best interest of the family at all times; in keeping with all of his marriage vows.

Wives have NO rights within the marriage except to act for the good of and in the best interest of the family at all times;in keeping with all of her marriage vows .

AUTHORITY
The husband does have authority, even as god has authority.  I am writing about HOW that authority should be used; which is for the GOOD of the whole family and NOT for personal advantage or personal ego inflation.

The wife should obey her husband, even if it hurts her pride and interferes with what she desires.
If the husband uses his authority rarely and wisely, explaining and consulting on matters with his wife and respecting her needs and input and coming to agreement through wise instruction; then things will run much better than demanding obedience.

Gentlemen, that is the difference between leadership and bullying.

A leader who is wise and leads by EXAMPLE and teaching; will have far more respect than a bully.
Having a meeting of minds; makes for a very satisfying meeting of bodies in marriage.

Jeremiah 10: Armstrongism's Favorite Scripture Bomb

It's Christmas season and the Armstrongite groups are getting into full gear ready to throw "paganism bombs" at those who celebrate it.

One of Armstrongism's favorite scripture bombs to use is the Jeremiah 10 verses as PROOF that Christmas trees are condemned in scripture.

2″Do not learn the ways of the nations or be terrified by signs in the sky, though the nations are terrified by them.
3 For the customs of the peoples are worthless; they cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.
4 They adorn it with silver and gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so it will not totter.
5 Like a scarecrow in a melon patch, their idols cannot speak; they must be carried because they cannot walk.
Do not fear them; they can do no harm nor can they do any good.” (Jeremiah 10:2-5, NIV).

It doesn't take a rocket scientist or even anyone with a small amount of theological education to see that the above verse does NOT speak about trees, but idols.  Trees are cut to fashion wood idols, usually in the shape of the god  being honored.  These gods then were covered in gold and silver and placed in positions of honor. 

Just like a scarecrow in a field, they  do not speak and cannot walk. Idols usually were in the form of a human.  Humans have legs. Trees do not.  Scarecrows sit in fields to serve a purpose.  Trees do nothing more than cast shade.  Craftsman shape the idols to resemble human forms representing gods.  Craftsman do not shape trees to resemble trees.

Bob Thiel and the others need to stop making fools of themselves when they lie that these verses pertain to Christmas trees.

James Malm: World's Foremost Authority On Onanism

What's with all the hundreds of splinter cult leaders of Armstrongism that think they have to invade your bedroom with their personal opinions?  Herbert Armstrong did it with "God Speaks Out On The New Morality" and "The Missing Dimension in Sex."  Garner Ted, well.....he just invaded the bedrooms and had fun.  Meredith talks constantly about sex. Masturbation and gays are his favorite subject.

So it was only a matter of time till James Malm invaded your personal space in your bedroom with HIS laws.  He already controls all other aspects of your daylight hour lives, why not continue on to the bedroom!

The apostle is starting series of articles on sex.  So to start it off he has picked the sin of Onan to discuss.

The apostle says is is NOT a story about masturbation, but about:

⁹ And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in [He DID take her] unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground [in a common birth control method], lest that he should give seed to his brother.

Motivations
The first born son is to inherit a double portion, and that lot fell to Onan with the death of his older brothers.

However, if he produced a son for his older brother, that son would inherit the double portion, leaving Onan with only a single portion for himself and his own children.

There may have been other circumstances known to God which would account for the apparent  quick judgment; for example Onan may have hated his brother; but that is not recorded and is a matter that only God knows for sure.

Onan may also have done this several times which is not recorded, before God acted, and God could have wanted this woman to have a place in the lineage of David for various reasons and so have acted to give her a better husband.

To state or imply that there is anything more to this story in sexual terms is simply not true.

No, the story of Onan has absolutely NOTHING to do with masturbation.  Does that make masturbation right or wrong?  NO, it merely reveals that this so called proof text on the subject, actually has NOTHING to do with that subject.

This is sure to disappoint Spanky Meredith who has obsessed over hand jobs for decades.

The only thing that ever stuck with me from the boring classes that I had at Ambassador was a comment made by an Evangelist in Principles of Living class.  Oral sex and masturbation was the topic of the day.  When he started talking about masturbation he asked the mixed class how many had ever done it.  No one raised their hands. He then said, "95% of you in this room have done it, the other 5% lie about it."