Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Dennis Muses on: McArmstrong's Navy

How Many Times Can a Man Jump Ship and Still Be Considered a Sailor?

Ministers on the USS Armstrong are not the smartest sailors in the Navy from what I can tell.  They probably need to just lighten up a bit and get their own comedy show.  Well actually they already have their own comedy shows but they seem to have a hard time trying to figure out what episode and what cast they want to be in.  It always confused me as a kid when I watched "The Three Stooges" because every once in awhile Curly would not be the original Curly.  There was some other guy that kinda looked like Curly but I knew it wasn't the original.  Then along comes Shemp and really confused me.  Who's Shemp?  Where did he come from and Why is he now one of the "Three Stooges."  As I got older I figured that the original Curly must have had some personal problems and the show had to go on when they manifested on the set, but I don't know.  Anyway...that's another show.

Captain Herbert W Tkachaflurryweinapackstrong

How many ships can a Church of God minister jump and still be considered a sailor?  I don't know.  I was only on two ships in my life.  One I did jump, ok I admit it.  As a kid, the USS Presbyterian did not seem to work for me as I studied how ships should be constructed and how to read the Ship Log and Training Manuals.   I jumped to a much better ship that proved to be the absolute wrong jump to make.  At least I can comfort myself in the fact that in a parallel universe, I jumped to the USS Penn State or USS Cornell and became Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson Diehl.  I guess I fell off the second one or got so sick on the ride I just realized I was no sailor.  It made me seasick and Captain Bligh concerned me at times.  There were three of them as well . Sailors were always getting hung from yardarms or made to walk planks. Some were severely beaten as a lesson to the other of us sailors.  While I did not have to deal with the Captains all that much, the times I did were not all that inspiring and often wondered how they got the job.  It was the Second Lieutenants that I marveled at at times and often.  It was quite a cruise.  Towards the end of the cruise, you had to take a head count of the crew every week to see who was still there and who had jumped ship.'s a bitter trip to  Dave's candy shop. Where obedience pays... on the gloomy shores of Gyrate Bay

One only jumps ship for one of two reasons.  Either one wants to get out of the Navy and off the ship and go home, or they like being a sailor, want to stay in the Navy but just not on that ship.  The pay and perks of sailing are pretty good.  Most of the time you are just doing rather mundane things to keep the ship afloat the purpose of that particular ship functional.  You can always get others to swab decks and the tax payers take care of most of the bills.  Every April, around the Spring Holy Days, they have to send it in.  They have to pull big triggers but the IRS has the right to say these things and the authority to do it.  Captain Dave Pack must have worked for them at one time before jumping many ships and then just building his own ship more to his liking.   I think it's called "The Good Ship Lollygag"  or something like that.  

Working on the USS Philadelphia is no fun.  It's just an experiment anyway and after finding missing sailors and others embedded in the deck like some time warp or something, not to mention it being mysteriously transported from California and then showing up in Oklahoma...well, it's mystery. It may also just be an urban legend or even a hoax.

Why on earth would I jump this ship?

Not many seem to jump the USS United.  It's kind of a cruise ship and just seems to wander around the nicer areas of the sea offering entertainment with the occasional bout of E-Coli when the food inspectors mess up.  It seems to happen more than it should but that's why they call it the USS United.  Lots of sailors seem to jump ship to get on the USS United.  It's just an easier ship to work on evidently and it has many Captains depending .  If you don't like this one, just wait a couple years. 

USS Restored and Captain Pack and Crew attack the USS COGdom
(Don't  jump ship...No one would pick you up)

The USS Restored is a ship of a different color....mostly green.  Or at least lots of green is always on order and there is never quite enough of it to finish restoring it.  It's a very small ship and reminds me of the concept of mice that roar.  This is the ship Captain Bligh ended up on after he was set adrift in a small lifeboat when abusing the crew of the USS Worldwide Bounty.  When younger, he was on the USS Global for a time as well as the USS Still Living but he didn't really jump them.  He was thrown off them.  The USS Restored is only about 25 feet long, has a very small crew of conscripted zombies from Haiti and a huge Captain's Quarters and observation deck or at least that is in the offing if space for one can be found.  Captain Bligh still believes he is spoken of in the Naval Training Manual specifically and after the sudden death of three well known Captains and ship sinkings, the surviving crews and lieutenants will climb on board the USS Restored.  The problem is there isn't much for them to do on it and the requirements and credentials as well as swearing on one's mother's grave they were on the wrong ships to begin with are quite high.  It would be a poop deck slug fest if all these crews, helps, painters, gunnery Sargent's and sails men and former Captains showed up at once.  Cardboard extensions have been added to make the USS Restored look bigger at sea but they don't hold up in the salt water and hot air.

"Go ye therefore into all the world and make 'em chuckle"
And're not really the One True Ship

Some ships, like the USS Thiel are so small the don't even have crews.  Just a Captain over not much sailing around and acting bigger than it really is.  Definately a ship of a different color with Captain Thiel at its head for sure.   Captain Thiel keeps saying he is Captain of the one true ship but we all know there are many ships at sea and all do different things for different reasons.  One True Ship?  Meh.....and pffffffft.

"Permission to come on board sir!"

The USS Living takes in a few Ship Jumpers from time to time.  The jump is pretty easy.  No great distances to climb nor railings to get over.  It's not a fast ship and somewhat dead in the water with flooded engine and looks a bit like a toy but it's fun and a new Captain and Crew is waiting to come on board.  

There are a couple of unmaintained lifeboats and dingys hanging off parts of or washed up from the now sunken USS Armstrong but not worth mentioning.  

Crew leaving the USS BoundtoBeSunk

But back to the original question.  How many times can a sailor jump ship and still be considered a good and trustable seaman?   I'd personally find it difficult to believe the sailor when he was on board my ship telling me just how much he loves it and me and won't ever do it again...he promises.  I'm not sure I'd believe him when he called roll call and reminded me I served on the finest and only true ship in the ocean. 

Your view?


Black Ops Mikey said...

What? No mention of rearranging deck chairs?

Black Ops Mikey said...

USS = Underwater Sinking Ship.

Black Ops Mikey said...

Can you even be a sailor if your ship is in a bathtub?

Anonymous said...

Great piece, Dennis!

Anonymous said...

I'll keep on diving 'til I reach the ends
Dredging up the past to drive me round the bends
What is it in me that I can't forget
I keep finding so much that I now regret
But no, on I go down into the depths
Turning things over that are better left
Dredging up the past that has gone for good
Trying to polish up what is rotting wood
Oh diving, I'm diving
Something inside takes me down again
Diving not for goblets but tin cans
Dredging up the past for reasons so rife
Passing bits of wrecks that once passed for life
But I'll keep on diving till I drown the sea
Of things not worth, even mentioning
Perhaps I'll come to the surface and come to my senses
But it's a very deep sea around my own devices.
Oh diving, I'm diving
Perhaps I'll come to the surface and come to my senses
Perhaps I'll come to the surface and come to my senses
Perhaps I'll come to the surface and come to my senses
Perhaps I'll come to the surface and come to my senses
But I'm diving, diving
Oh diving, I'm diving, diiiiiiiiiiiiieing

Black Ops Mikey said...

No use to look for pirates: They're all pirates.

Joe Moeller said...

Quotes from Captain Queeg (a Pack or Flurry type of Commander) from the classic Navy movie "The Caine Mutiny"...

***Aboard my ship, excellent performance is standard, standard performance is sub-standard, and sub-standard performance is not permitted to exist - that, I WARN YOU!

*** you may tell the crew for me that there are four ways of doing things aboard my ship: The right way, the wrong way, the Navy way, and my way. They do things my way, and we'll get along.

***This is the captain speaking. Some misguided sailors on this ship still think they can pull a fast one on me. Well, they're very much mistaken. Since you've taken this course, the innocent will be punished with the guilty. There will be no liberty for any member of this crew for three months. I will not be made a fool of! Do you hear me?

***He was no different from any other officer in the ward room, they were all disloyal. I tried to run the ship properly, by the book, but they fought me at every turn. The crew wanted to walk around with their shirt tails hanging out, that's all right, let them. Take the tow line, defective equipment, no more, no less. But they encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me, and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles, and then old yellow-strain. I was to blame for Lt. Maryk's incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Maryk was the perfect officer, but not Captain Queeg.

***Ah, but the strawberries, that's, that's where I had them, they laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the ward room icebox did exist, and I've had produced that key if they hadn't pulled the Caine out of action. I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer. [He pauses - looked at all the questioning faces that stared back at him, and realizes that he has been ranting and raving] Naturally, I can only cover these things from memory. If I left anything out, why, just ask me specific questions and I'll be glad to answer them.

Queeg then suffers a nervous breakdown.

Joe Moeller
Cody , WY
(2014 UCG Council - Write In Candidate)

Joe Moeller said...

I got my first "Plain Truth" in 1973.

Does this make me the Captain of the ....

"PT 73" ?? !!

Joe Moeller
Cody, WY
(2014 UCG Council - Write In Candidate)

Anonymous said...

LOL, all these Armstrong-worshiping ships are beckoning and using plenty of jerkwad sales tactics to try and keep them afloat, even though they're taking on water.

Best to row a solid little rowboat to shore, and be thankful to have left the leaky Armstrongist fleet behind!

Allen C. Dexter said...

Brilliant, Dennis! I have to feel a bit sorry for those who desperately hang on and jump from sinking ship to sinking ship. I guess they can't fathom any other way to survive. You and I did and do.

Joe Moeller said...


Just sit right back
And you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started from this tropic port,
Aboard this tiny ship.

Herbert was a mighty sailin' man,
The Tedster brave and sure,
The passengers set sail that day,
For an Endtime tour,
An Endtime tour.

The doctrines started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed.
With No Ethics from the Tkach crew
Worldwide would be lost.
Worldwide would be lost....

The church ship set ground on the shore
Of this uncharted desert isle
With Meredith,
The Pack Man too.
The Weinland millionaire
And his wife,
The Flurry TV star,
The professor Thiel and Hulme too,
Here on Church of God Isle.

(Ending verse)

So this is the tale of our castaways,
They're here for a long long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
It's an uphill climb.

The Pack, The Weinland, The Flurry too
Will do their very best,
To make the others Miserable
In their tropic island nest.

No life, no light, no jet planes,
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Crusoe
It's primitive as can be.

So join us here each Sabbath my friends,
You're sure to lose your smile,
From all the stranded castaways
Here on Church of God Isle!

Joe Moeller
Cody, WY
(2014 UCG Council - Write In Candidate)

Black Ops Mikey said...

None of them are on ships: They're on garbage scows.

Anonymous said...

Cap'n Davey Packs locker is loaded with chests o gold n silver. His ill gotten booty be taken from anyone within the range of his 16 deck cannons. His plunderers be pullin big cannon triggers on ye' if you be not sendin it in under pain o eternal death as tribute. Once Cap'n Davey the Heartless plunders yer wealth, there be no use a wishin he would restore it to ye'. It is as good as buried on Oak Island.

Many a terrifying tale o' Cap'n Davey can be heard whispered around the campfires late at night from the few that escaped from slavery in his hold. They warn ye' to go the other direction if ye' see his slave ship sailing t'wards ye'. Tis a fate worse than drownin'.

I best be quiet now. They say tis bad luck to even mention his name.

Admiral Nemesis O' Pack

Byker Bob said...

I'm thinking that if one of the long term good old boy ministers whom everyone knows jumps ship, his recertification is probably rubber stamped, and his arrival considered good PR by the new ACOG.

But, some of the splinter leaders have ordained elders from their own pool of long time members. I wonder what would happen, as an example, if one of
Weinerdude's elders who never attended AC happened to jump to UCG or LCG. Would he even be considered as ministerial material?

Surely, each must have policy in place to deal with shipjumping on both the member and ministerial levels. I doubt that most are as strict as Dave Seapack's, but surely basic policies must be in place in all.


Lake of Fire Church of God said...


MY COMMENT - Brilliantly done, Joe! And it's soooo true.


DennisCDiehl said...

BB said:

" I wonder what would happen, as an example, if one of
Weinerdude's elders who never attended AC happened to jump to UCG or LCG. Would he even be considered as ministerial material?

Sure...they all have the same impecable theological credentials , training and expertise in all things Biblical. They have a grasp of Biblical construct, history, origins and politics unsurpassed in the world. They correctly understand the origins of all life and language, including women and their roles with respect to men. Their grasp of prophecy and impecable accuracy in such things should speak for itself, so they would match nicely

Byker Bob said...

Absolutely correct, Dennis. From our detached perches, there is an almost monotonous sameness to it all. But somehow, "they" see differences, and they magnify them. Weinerdude is an HWA clone, but others see the new theories and prophecy wrinkles that he has added as being an adulateration of sorts. Hulme tried to come clean about British Israelism, and his church basically gave him the boot. TheyevengiveMeredith grief for entertaining the possibility that non-ACOG Christians should even be referred to as Christians. I am certain that in branding these splinters, nobody wants another brand's unique aspects "accidentally" taught in a sermon by one of the jumpers.


DennisCDiehl said...

Bob...what years were you at AC?