Talk About Some Busy Angels!

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Armstrongism has always thrived on the myth that it's members were going to be whisked away to three an half years of final training in the deserts of Jordan. 

Various evangelists and ministers have come up with all kids of idiotic ways of getting there.  The big thing that was floating around when 1971 hit the scene was that DC 9's (or 10's) would be used to get us there.  At that point in time those planes were having a lot of problems with cracks in their wings.  Some numbnut in Pasadena came up with the reasoning that with all the airliners disposing of those planes we would be able to use them to fly the church to Petra.  God was going to miraculously hold those wings together and not allow them to fall apart mid flight over the Atlantic.  The airline companies would be happy to give us the planes because they all secretly hoped the planes would crash and the TRUE CHURCH would be killed off.  But to our relief and comfort our magical god was going to make it all work out to our benefit.

Now there is some minister telling his congregations that personal angles will be whisking members off to Petra when the time arrives.  I forget where I heard that first.  It may have been in a comment on here.

Tonight there was a comment on the the uber-conservative COG board on Yahoo.  They brought up this very point:

  In Mathew 24 and starting in verse 15, it tells about the coming tribulation and going down through verse 44, do these events follow in exact sequence, and immediately happen just prior to Christ`s return, or could some of these events happen just prior to the tribulation? Who would it be that would be the one taken and the one left? It would seem that since God`s people will be in a place of safety at the time of the tribulation, where would the one be taken to be apparently spared?! Is it possible that in verse 40 and verse 41 that it is referring to those just prior to the tribulation, and is it possible that these verses are speaking about some in the Church where one is converted and the other is not and the converted one taken to a place of safety, possibly by an angel of God?-----I just thought that I would throw this out as food for thought.

You would think after 70 some years of failed prophecies and the public abysmal failure in 1971 and 1975 that these numbnuts would keep their mouths shut!  But no!  It is one speculation after another. 

  Flurry's cult is ready to flee at any moment as they build million dollar buildings around the clock.  Meredith's cult is ready to flee in 2012 or 2016 or whenever Prophet Theil figures out the correct date.

What would Armstrongism be without it's myths, legends and it's magical god?

"Guardians of the Calendar Committee" Job Opening In Petra

Apostle Malm  may have a job opening for you worthy saints. Those lucky enough to be counted worthy to travel to Petra with the Apostle can start applying for a new job opening.

Because there is such a controversy on who gets to see the "new moon" and as to what time it actually appears - if it even does, the Apostle will be setting up a moon gazing committee.  Imagine the amazement you will feel standing in the middle or Petra gazing at the dark sky and you see that first glimmer of the new moon!

Of course, while you are parked INSIDE the great expanse of Petra, the Apostle will be outside in the Marriott in a cozy bed with an ample supply of liquor in the refrigerator.

Drop the Apostle a line and let him you know you want to be on his committee: Email Address

I would expect that God’s two prophets may be trusted to deal with the matter in the rest of the world while those in the wilderness would be united in location and some kind of system of observation would be set up there. I thinkl that a kind of Guardians of the Caendar Committee should be set up of people with some understanding of astronomy and the Calendar issues and a reglular method of observing each month should be doen. I am sure that something will be worked out. The main heavenly disturbances are not so much of the sun and moon but of a comet and or meteor falling to the earth and that only late into the 42 months. The moon turning red has to do with atmospheric smoke and dust due to the cataclysms on the earth rather than anything in the heavens. James

The Human Face of Harold Camping's Cult

The look like a normal family.  A mother and father with beautiful looking children.  The also appear to have some intelligence and education.  Reading a few blurbs about them in the Daily Mail (London) you see a mother and father who believe so deeply in Camping's nonsense that they have the ability to tell their children that they are going to be left behind to suffer through the apocalypse while they (mommy and daddy) are whisked off to heaven for eternal bliss.

One U.S. family in particular will be stunned that the Rapture failed to happen.

Two years ago Robert Carson and Abby Haddad gave up their jobs to preach for the Family Radio church at the centre of the May 21 Judgment Day campaign.

They even told their three children - Joseph, Faith and Grace - that they were going to die.

Speaking to the New York Times, 16-year-old Grace Haddad said: 'My mom has told me directly that I’m not going to get into heaven. At first it was really upsetting, but it’s what she honestly believes.'

Another dedicated follower is Michael Garcia.

After spending months travelling the country to put up Judgment Day billboards and hand out Bible tracts, he planned to spend Friday evening with his family at home in Alameda, near the Christian media empire's Oakland headquarters.

'We know the end will begin in New Zealand and will follow the sun and roll on from there,' said Garcia, a 39-year-old father of six. 'That's why God raised up all the technology and the satellites so everyone can see it happen at the same time.'

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1389481/Rapture-The-world-DIDNT-end-6pm.html#ixzz1N5Y9uQm2

Their beliefs are exactly like the silliness that permeates Armstrongism to this day.  Armstrongism still looks at the idea of fleeing to Petra for a final training to be god's and goddesses.  Parents of unbaptized children will be made god's while their kids will be left in Petra to continue to live as mortal human beings.  Unless of course, they have not been killed by the invading armies that hate the true church so much that they nuke the place.  Oh wait, the stupid pagan's can't even do that!  Petra will be covered by a cloud that makes it invisible to airplanes.  That cloud will scramble the radar of planes so no one will ever be able to find Petra.  Sound stupid?  You bet!  That was actual teachings of Armstrongite ministers!

Even the callousness of the parents telling their kids they will not make it is exactly in line with Armstrongism.  We proclaimed the same thing.  Your child's only chance was to have had a prayer said of him/her at the Blessing of the Children service.  If that happened then they at least had a chance!  Otherwise they were doomed.  And, god forbid if you child did not get baptized by 18.  They were immediately destined to the lake of fire.

One WCG minister who left during all the changes wrote a book about his journey out of Armstrongism and into Lutheranism, Misery Synod.  He also made the same claims about his kids.  Because they had not converted to Lutheranism, Misery Synod, they were not going to make it into heaven. Eternally damned, lost, beyond redemption.

What a sad, impotent little god that would cause parents to make such comments to their kids!

Got Clean Underwear On For The Rapture (or Petra?)

Here is a great cartoon from The Naked Pastor Blog

The great hing about all this silliness going down right now with Harold Camping is that in decades past, few people got roped in by these morons. Their message was not widely spread.  Now with the internet the entire world can sit by and watch these idiots made out to be the liars they are.  The same thing is going to happen to Flurry, Meredith, Cox, Weinland and Pack.  The entire world will get to watch as these men are made out to be fools.  Armstrongism will soon be the laughing stock too.  Oh wait, it already is!!!!!!

"Dreaming In Arabic" Now Available In Book Form

Jennifer Armstrong's book, Dreaming in Arabic is now available in book form.  Check it out here: Dreaming In Arabic

I grew up in the Worldwide Church of God, an organization labeled “cult” by most of mainstream Christianity. At the head of it, was Herbert W. Armstrong, a forceful personality, with a unique interpretation of scripture. I grew up believing that we in the Worldwide Church of God were the only true Christians in the world. My mother told me a story of how when I was a toddler in the stroller and we were passing by a large old church, I pointed and said “Man's way.”

The Worldwide Church of God took a lot of their beliefs from the Old Testament. Being young, I never really understood why some of the ancient laws were kept and some were discarded. I'm sure there was a reason and I'm sure it made sense to the adults. At least, I hope it did. I've never felt bad for being part of a group that taught Biblically unsound doctrines. I was a child and a child will believe in
Santa Claus if you tell them with enough conviction. But I do wonder about the adults and why they were so quick to let someone interpret the Bible for them. My husband, who is eight years older than me, said that it wasn't so much the doctrine that attracted him as much as the emphasis on righteous living. And there was an emphasis on righteous living. But unfortunately most people were not living
up to the high standards we taught.

 I think another draw for a lot of people was the emphasis on prophecy. I grew up believing that someday, before a great tribulation fell upon the world, we believers would be taken to a place of safety where we would be hidden from the wrath that fell on everyone else. Herbert W. Armstrong had a radio show and a television show called The World Tomorrow where he preached out of Daniel and Revelation and gave his own unique interpretations. I think there were quite a few people who joined the church to escape the great tribulation.

It was believed that the place of safety was Petra, in Jordan. Mr. Armstrong would travel around the world as an “ambassador for peace” and one of the people he met was King Hussein of Jordan. The church had some sort of outreach to handicapped children in Jordan. Since Petra was in Jordan and Mr. Armstrong was a “friend” of King Hussein, it was taught that we would all fly to Jordan and stay in Petra for the duration of the tribulation. I have some vague recollection that at some point, soldiers of the world would surround Petra and threaten us all, but that heavenly retribution would strike them down. What was more critical to people was what they would bring to survive the years in Petra. One woman said she was going to bring two suitcases of maxi pads.

As a child, I once packed a small briefcase full of my favourite books and then carried it around with me, even if we went across the city on the subway, because it was said that we could be called to flee at any moment. One of my childhood fears was that I would come home from school and find my mother and younger brothers gone and that I would somehow have to make my way to the airport (by taxi, I suppose) or else I would miss the flight to safety. Contacting my dad at work was not an option. He wasn't a member of the Worldwide Church of God and therefore would have to face the tribulation. When it was preached from the pulpit that during that horrible time the guillotine would probably be restored as a form of punishment I resigned myself to my dad's inevitable fate. You see, my dad knew
too much. He had lived with a believing wife and would therefore have to stand up for the truth in the future time of persecution and would be punished for his belated realization that everything the church taught was true.

The Great Tribulation would be followed by ....

About to Flee to Petra and Worried About Your Pets?

Who's going to take care of you pet's when you run off to Petra with Gerry Six-Pack or Spanky Rod?  

Are they doomed to suffer through the tribulation without you?  

While you are sitting in a steaming hot desert for your final training 

you can ease your wandering mind about your pets 

who will most certainly be tortured by the invading German army. 

You can now relax! 

There is Petra/Rapture Aftercare available though this organization. 

They will rescue your pets from those horrible Germans and take care of them.  

Then once you return to earth with HWA who is directly under Christ (can't say Jesus - too effeminate) 

and after you have been named a ruler of a world, 

you can reclaim your kitties and doggies

to be rulers of the animal kingdom in your neck of the woods.

(Isn't Armstrongism grand!)

 After the Rapture Pet Care

50% of COG Members In Petra Will Not Be Resurrected

The dung keeps getting deeper and deeper on Malm's blog.  He has a long post today on the two witnesses, the tribulation, 3 1/2 years, three and half days, 7 years, 1,290 days, and on and on and on.

He talks about the church fleeing to 'the place of safety' (Petra in Armstrongite mythology.)  There the true faithful COG members will be sheltered from the trials the rest of the world will be going through.

Then all of a sudden, POOF, the person standing next to you will be gone!

Gone off to heaven while you will be left standing there, shattered and devastated beyond belief.  Yet, don't be too discouraged because you are STILL a true COG member.  Just not one of the lucky ones.

Does he realize how incredibly STUPID he sounds?  Worse yet, what is the state of mind of those that believe this bullshit?

The answer to this question has two parts. The first part is the simple fact that many are called and few are chosen. And not everyone in the wilderness will be accounted worthy to have a part in the resurrection. When the resurrection comes, there will be many who are not ready, who are not worthy. They’ve gotten lax, they’ve gotten bored. They found life monotonous and routine in the wilderness and they just have gotten lazy and they are not ready, they are not prepared and they are not worthy and they will not be in the resurrection.
                                  
That is why Jesus said, there will be two women grinding at the mill. One taken and the other left and so on and so on. You know the scriptures, you can look them up. The fact is, probably half the people who are even in the wilderness will not be worthy to be resurrected. And when they see their friends  rising up around them, they will be struck with horror that they are still on the ground. They will be crushed in spirit and they will still be God’s people, they will still be God’s elect. But they are just not worthy to be a part of the Bride of Christ. They are not zealous enough, not ready, not properly prepared. Not having enough of the spirit doesn’t mean that there is no spirit at all.
                                  
People could have a small amount of spirit and not have been using it. And there is very little left and they just don’t have enough to have a part in the resurrection. So, they would need to continue on and being that they were in shock at seeing their friends and neighbors rising up around them. In absolute shock and horror, they would repent deeply and bitterly and would still need protection for the final 45 days. Protection from the beast, from the false prophet, protection from Satan and protection from the seven last plagues being poured out on the earth.
There is also the issue of little children not being qualified to be changed, yet certainly sanctified by faithful parents.  A loving God would not leave then unprotected!

Yes after the resurrection, there will still be some of God’s people who were not considered worthy to be changed and resurrected, to be a part of the first fruits at that time. But who will repent bitterly and who will still be protected by God up until the very coming of the kingdom.

Then the stupidity really shines forth when he starts talking about the little kids left behind when their parents are up in heaven rejoicing in the presence of God.  They won't care.  God's going to take care of them, no concerns, no sirree!  No concerns while they are basking in God's delight while their little ones are left in the desert wilderness of Petra.

The second part of the answer concerns who are God’s people, who is God’s church, who are God’s called out ones? And we are told in Holy Scripture that the conversion and the godliness and the commandment keeping of the parents sanctifies the children. As long as the children are willing to obey their parents, as long as the children are subject to their parents, they are sanctified by their parent’s conversion.

Therefore in the resurrection, little children who are not going to be part of the first fruits, who simply by reason of their youth don’t have the experience, don’t have the understanding, and are not ready to be a part of the first fruits; those little children are still God’s people. They are sanctified by their parents and by their parents faithfulness and shall be blessed with God’s protection in the wilderness until the actual establishment of the kingdom.
                                  
We need not be concerned or worry about our children. God will take care of them. How? Why those people who were not worthy to be part of the first fruits, who were lax, who have suddenly been horrified and become deeply repentant, they will take care of the children. And if not, God would send his holy angels to do so. For He would not allow our sanctified children to suffer.

 Then he gets into one of the favorite areas of Armstrongite mythology.  The conferring of offices of responsibility to the TRUE COG members who will be placed over the remaining heathens where they will be taught the teachings of Herbert Armstrong for 1,000 years.  Oy, hell looks better and better all the time!

Given how mean so many of the legalistic men have been in the COG's towards their wives, children and neighbors, I would not want to be in a world governed by any of these idiots!  Malm's god is just giddy with delight at the prospect of destroying humanity. 

                                  
When the last plagues have been poured out, Christ will then come with his saints to seize control of the governments of the world. Governments mostly destroyed and totally humbled. And having destroyed these governments and taking the beast and false prophet and throwing them into the lake of fire at the very end completing 1335 days.

Kirk Cameron SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Place of Safety vs The Rapture

Armstrongism has always loved to mock the 'Rapture' belief of some Christians. But, when you look at the sheer stupidity that Armstrongism prompts as 'fleeing to Petra/Place of Safety' our beliefs are just as crazy.

Of course our version will have our God gather our members up on tired, worn out airplanes after our governments expel us from our respective countries. We will fly these worn out planes (held aloft by angels) to some God forsaken desert in Jordan where Muslims will greet us with open arms. Then the tired and homeless brethren will file in through the narrow gate into the glories of Petra while the leadership will be housed in the Marriott and Crown Plaza located outside the entrance to Petra.

Those lucky to make it inside will not have food, water, toilet's, blanket's etc. The Muslims will be giving that all to us because we are the True Christians.

A cloud of God will hover over Petra so that NATO bombers and the Anti-Christ's armies cannot kill us all.

We will spend three and half years having sing-a-long's in the amphitheater.

We will get to hear Meredith and Flurry preach to us day in and day out.

Health issues will disappear, cavities will be filled, contacts and eye glasses will not be needed because God is either going to cure us or we will be so glad to be 'saved' from the tribulation that we will not care.

Here's where the Church leaders will stay:

And here is where you will be staying:

So who's crazier?

Got Your Petra Passport Ready???????

You will soon be needing passports when you flee to Petra. Bet none of you knew this was the ONLY reason to have a passport! I have been waiting to hear that passports were only created so that they could be used by the COG members to flee to Jordan with. We all know the ONLY reason the printing press and airlines were created was so Herb could get his message out around the world!

Pasadena was only founded so God's HQ could be located there years later. Beer was only created for the benefit of the WCG ministry and Six Pack Flurry. Gambling and massage was only created for the end time use by GTA.

From the  COG yahoo's on Yahoo OrginalWCG.

And let me pose an important question for EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THE
CHURCH OF GOD: DO YOU HAVE A PASSPORT? IS IT UP TO DATE? OR IS IT
EXPIRED? DO YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS?

For those who don't take the place of safety seriously.. they may not
need that passport.. for the rest, well God commands us to forsee the
evil and hide ourselves.. if we're not doing this we may simply be
providing the solution to the question of how God will notify us it's
time to flee. I know I'm not wording this well as I'm really too tired
to think right now, but think about it... We need our lamps ready, oil
for our lamps.. in other words, God expects us to be prepared. If we
are going to fly to a foreign country.. if we are going to cross
borders, we had better be prepared.

--------------
They cost $100 now and they take forever to obtain due to the huge numbers of people who are applying for one. I got mine when they were cheaper... They are good for at least 5 years. Don't wait for the Depression to be announced & you lose your job...

Didn't you ever see those movies about Europe, oh, spy movies or some such, where the polizei (police) has you roll down your car window (international drivers license available through American Automobile Association) and he says, "Papers, please" or "Passport!"-- it may get so bad here in the USA that we will need our own passports to prove we are citizens.