The Strength of the Scapegoat in the Narcissist Family
In the narcissist family, as a means of survival everyone rotates around the narcissist, who is usually Mom or Dad. Sometimes both parents are narcissistic. In my family, my father was the overt Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) type, and my mother enabled his abuse while also having her own covert narcissistic traits mixed with a higher order of being that sometimes allowed her to give affection, attention, and generosity. When it served my father’s needs, as is typical of NPDs, he bestowed approval, even idealized exaltation, to his “golden child,” my brother.
If you are familiar with the narcissist family cast of characters, you know that there is nearly always a “scapegoat,” and in my family that was me—the narcissist’s go-to projection screen for his abusive behavior and his trash receptacle for blame and rage.
Given that my father viciously mocked and terrorized me, my mother, and eventually my stepmother and stepsisters, I knew our family was unhealthy, but it took a long time for me to find the psychological profile that reflected our particular pathology. It took even longer for me to admit to what sadly clichéd extent we all fit the narcissist family mold.
The Biblical Scapegoat
The Old Testament‘s Leviticus 16 told of sacrificial “scapegoats” [see Ed Stetzer]. One goat was mortally sacrificed, while another was cast into the wilderness to carry away the “sins of man,” both to release humanity of its guilt, which is the biblical ceremony for Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). William Tyndale is believed to have coined the term “escape goat” in his 1530 English translation of The Bible, from the Hebrew version.
The Scapegoat’s Strengths
The scapegoat feels the acute injustice of his/her role. It is painful, confusing, maddening, and it frequently carries with it emotional and physiological damage that lasts a lifetime. But family scapegoats also have both innate and learned power. They are not chosen at random. Rather, they are typically targeted because of their strengths.
The narcissist well knows who in his sphere is most manipulable and who is most independent-minded, and he targets his greatest threat with projection and punishment. The scapegoat is the one most likely to care about and fight for justice within the inherently unfair narcissist family system, defending herself and others often in direct opposition to the narcissist.
Scapegoat Traits1. Strong-willed
2. Empathic
3. Justice-seeking
4. Internalizes blame
5. Emotionally reactive
6. Highly sensitive
7. Protective of others
8. Questions authority
9. Care-taking
10. “Different” in some way
Redemption for the Narcissist Family ScapegoatChildren of narcissists are trained to toe the family line at all costs. Challenging the family system is considered a sacrilege, and it calls for a courageous movement away from home into the “wilderness” of the world.
Although the strengths of the narcissist family scapegoat make her a target, they are also her salvation. Her ability to see and question along with her desire for justice enable her to escape the family tyranny while others cannot. And her capacity for empathy, so unlike that of the grandiose and compassionless narcissist, gives her the ability to form healthy and fulfilling relationships beyond her family of origin.
The (e)scapegoat’s redemption is breaking free.
If all the ministers with the Holy Spirit had said the flock is going to get slaughtered, banded together and confronted a lot of the newbies that were evangelists that they knew weren’t converted, that didn’t have the weight and stature of the giants of the past—those guys would have folded their tent and blown into the wind like leaves in October. They would have been gone and the Church would have been saved. Now, it isn’t what God wanted, but a lot of people said, “Why didn’t they stand up?” and the answer is—they were never going to spare the flock. They had grown too weak, even though they were converted; but they could have confronted.Now…let’s fast-forward. Because men began to leave in different times and over different issues, were fired at different times…Different groups formed, nature abhors a vacuum. Wham! Opportunists stood up, and they would grab thousands of people, pull them to themselves and there’d be a whole bunch of groups instead of one.They were given a second chance—outside the Worldwide Church of God—to unify, and where there’s about 50,000 people in the splinters, they chose to stay under ministers…I’m talking about the ministers for a moment…under ministers who were divided, who would not give up power; who had their own doctrinal ideas, their own administrative style; believed God had chosen them and created their own narratives for why “we’re right and everybody else is wrong.” That’s what happened. And so, they wouldn’t give up power, and the brethren wanted to be together.
A great frustration I was finding…About 25 years ago, I began to work a little louder and a little longer, while I was still in the Worldwide Church of God, and I talked to the senior evangelists. I knew them, just because some of them were in my family. I was on a first name basis with a lot of them, even though I was, you know, I was 40 what…43 years old, I guess, at the time. And I tried to wake them up. I found that they knew there were problems; some more than others. And I made sure to call people that I knew were not on board all the junk that was coming out, and I could not get them to galvanize and take a stand.Now, it wasn’t God’s purpose, I understand that…Prophecy would have been broken…but I’m trying to illustrate a point to you and it’s powerful. Had they all come together…Had all of the ministers of God around the world, who had the Holy Spirit, come together as a group and confronted Mr. Tkach, they would have cowed him in five minutes. I knew the man.There were a couple of times on the phone…I’m not trying to brag…I mean, he came at me and I cowed him, and I learned over time, as long as he, Mr. Armstrong, was still alive, that man would not touch me. There were times he would say things to me and I would say, “That’s not true,” or he’d threaten me, and I…I had a couple of moments…it was tense.
