WANTED: Minister for the new Church of Uplifting God's Hurting Sheep (COUGHS)

From a reader:

I came across this Help Wanted ad as I was cleaning out any remaining Rubbish, Crap, and Garbage (RCG) from those who are Rich with INCreased Goods (RCG) aka Rich Cash Guys (RCG). I think I wrote it after reading the Minister's Questionnaire when I saw it sometime in 2021...

Wanted: 

 Minister 

for the 

Church of Uplifting God’s Hurting Sheep (COUGHS)

The person to be considered for this position should have the following qualifications:

Above reproach

Sober

Discreet

Modest

Not a drunk

Not a brawler

Not quarrelsome

Not greedy of ill-gotten gains

Not a whore-monger

Not a gossiper

Patient

Hospitable

Not covetous

Not lifted up with pride

Must be of good report 

Merciful

Compassionate

Understanding

Faithful

Hopeful

And above all, you must have Love…Agape, not Lust

(This is a partial list, see the instruction Book for the full list of qualifications)

The successful candidate will be serving a congregation of unknown size. There are so many beaten, abused, downtrodden, weary sheep… It may start out to be a small congregation, but sheep tend to follow the leader, and once a sheep sees other sheep headed somewhere, they, like Mary’s Little Lamb, will be sure to follow.

The person to be hired for this job must not have either illusions of, nor delusions of grandeur. You are a human being, and only one…You will check your ego at the door. If you have urges to become someone else, or several other people, such as Elijah, Joshua, Moses, or That Prophet, please report it to the ruling Council of Elders/Board of Directors (duly appointed by God)…they will be able to get you psychiatric help and/or medication.

You will answer to the aforementioned Council/Board members. They will be able to hire you and fire you, as directed by God. They will receive no monetary gains for that or any other duty.

You will keep your day job, and collect your income from there (think of Paul working as a tentmaker.) You may or may not be given a small stipend for your work with the sheep. You will not demand money, houses, or any other valuables from the sheep. They do not have fleeces of gold and are not yours for the sheering. This is a not-for-profit occupation.

You must realize that you will be working with predominately Laodicean sheep. These are they who are blind, lame, wretched, miserable, poor, etc. They may think they are rich and increased with goods…but help them anoint their eyes with salve, that they may see their real condition.

Of course, there will be sheep of other eras mixed in with the Laodicean sheep. They each have their good and/or bad points. After decades of dealing with bad shepherds, hirelings, and wolves, they all need a lot of love and attention. Most likely the sheep will think they are Philadelphian sheep, and not Laodicean sheep at all.

You must be able to prove all things and hold fast to that which is good. You must not prove all things one week, and the next week prove that it was wrong, and prove something else to be right, and the next week prove that it was wrong…and each time blame God for showing you one thing to be right, and the next week showing you a different thing to be right, ad nauseam. God tends to frown upon confusion and lies and will have the Council/Board fire you posthaste.

You will not shame and humiliate the sheep. You must treat them with love and kindness. You will not rant about how abused you were by some bad shepherd, hireling, or wolf…the sheep have all had it much worse than you. A good shepherd will be able to gently and kindly rebuke and reprove, and at the same time exhort the sheep.

If you are interested in applying, say a prayer to God. Ask Him to send you to tend, love, and care for His sheep. The Council/Board and sheep will be notified and let you know if you got the job.

That Other COG False Prophet Claims He Has Been Forecasting The Downfall of David C Pack

 

It's another bright sunny day in California and our resident prophet made it his mission to prove to the world his 130 Caucasians that he has been predicting the downfall of Dave Pack. 

After reading what was posted on this blog of a report by Marc Cebrian, the Great Bwana to Africa took that information and rewrote it as if he had been given first-hand knowledge about it. Below you can see where he signed on yesterday evening. Little does Bwana Bob know that there is more to the story of the sale of that home and something else that is going on. More details about this are to come.

Bwana Bob is the most accurate prophet the Church of God has ever seen in 2 millennia. A prophet so great that he was planned before the foundations of the earth was ever created. He was preordained by his god to emerge in the end times as a witness for the truth. No one greater than he has ever existed.

RCG is reportedly selling one of the houses that was part of its compound in Wadwroth (sic), Ohio. Here is a link to the listing on Zillow: https://www.zillow.com/homes/799-Hartman-Rd-Wadsworth,-OH-44281_rb/63688958_zpid/

This is of interest as generally, RCG employees have used the homes on the compound, and as RCG has less employees it would not need as much housing. This also could be related to financial issues affecting RCG. For over a decade, I have written that the following was applicable to RCG:

1 But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction. 2 And many will follow their destructive ways, because of whom the way of truth will be blasphemed. 3 By covetousness they will exploit you with deceptive words; for a long time their judgment has not been idle, and their destruction does not slumber. (2 Peter 2:1-3) 

Yes, I consider that RCG's leader, David Pack, is a false teacher. His destruction, in my view, has been going on for years as RCG has shrank in size as CCOG has grown.

I still expect RCG to one day implode. 

The listing of a property by RCG may signal a step in that direction.

Every single COG member and ex-member should be standing in awe of the Great Bwana Bob and his amazing prophecies. You must immediately stop what you are doing and join his church! There has never been a COG to exist since those 1st century Christians upended Roman Imperialism that is as perfect as the improperly named "continuing" Church of "god" is. None have been favored by this god as much as Bwana Bob's church has been.

Dave Pack Goes Silent As His Prophetic No-shows Pile Up

 

Prophetic No-Show

 

Av 7 came and went without Chinese nukes landing on the White House lawn. That was Thursday to those who do not care.

 

But this might be the end times, folks. Something HUGE has occurred this weekend and it needs your immediate attention. Race to Costco to stock up on toilet paper and imported beer.

 

David C.raptacular Pack has gone silent! The Pastor General of The Restored Church of God, our resident Elijah/Not Elijah/Maybe Elijah, is a no-show at this most crucial time in God’s plan.

 

Tonight at sunset begins Av 10, also known as the “not-really-a-50-day-count to Trumpets” epic craptacular. If you want to calculate it from Jerusalem, that would be at 12:30 P.M. eastern time.

 

Yet again, I embarrassed myself publicly when I wrote on August 3^rd:

 

As a non-prophet/non-psychic, I predict Dave will speak either Friday afternoon or on the Sabbath. He will not get to Monday without commenting…if he is feeling particularly defeated, he will…compose a bloated “Prophetic Update” in Member Services.

 

That son of a bitch screwed me on all counts. I will never achieve my GoFundMe goals now.

 

As of this morning, there has been dead silence inside RCG. How can this be after such a build-up in Member Services?

 

Wednesday, August 4, 2022

Dear brethren,

Please note that Mr. Pack plans to deliver a Bible Study tomorrow, Thursday, August 4 in the afternoon.

There’s a slight change to what we learned in Part 386 that will be explained in a short message tomorrow. All is well!

We will let you know once the message is available in Member Services.

Warm regards,

Church Administration

 

I laughed out loud when I read "a slight change” because I now understand RCG-speak much better in my old age.  “A slight change” is a few paragraphs to you and me. It is far more than “slight” if Dave wanted to populate the Main Hall and record it on video.

 

For perspective, if he were to shift a prophesied biblical occurrence even one day, that would be like moving the Passover “just one day” or worshiping on Sunday rather than on the Sabbath. What’s the big deal? It’s just one day…

 

When God writes something in His word, it stands. No words come back to Him void. Dave likes to remake the soup after it has been served. It is too late now, bro. And way too salty.

 

“All is well!” Baloney. That is RCG spin like putting a smiley face at the end of the “I accidentally ran over your cat” note you find on your front door. If all were truly well under the context, Jesus Christ would be here and Elijah the Prophet would be announcing God’s arrival to the world right now.

 

But instead, this happened.

 

Thursday, August 5, 2022

Dear brethren,

Please note that the Bible Study earlier scheduled to hold today has now been postponed.

Mr. Pack looks forward to sharing with you the additional items that will bring completion to the understanding we currently have coming off Part 386.

We will let you know when the new date is confirmed.

Church Administration

 

Notice the singular “a slight change” has evolved into “additional items” in less than 24 hours. Due to the complexity and transformative nature of those “additional items,” Dave is nowhere near close enough to understanding his own delusions to torture the church with it.

 

He is in quite the pickle now and is not going to “bring completion” to anything, ever. This machine cannot stop.

 

The “new date” was open-ended. During my time in Media Production Services, when a World to Come broadcast schedule kept being pushed and eventually received the “when a new date is confirmed” status, it either went for days or weeks or never.

 

How Dave must now long for the month of Tammuz. Av is so much worse for him and we are barely 10 days in.

 

It is like when you thought your ex-girlfriend was awful, but this new girlfriend is the real horror show. It gets you to thinking, "Maybe I didn't appreciate my ex as much as I should have." But your closest friends all say, "Get away from them. They are both not good for you.”

 

Dave, Av is not good for you. Tammuz was not good for you, either. In fact, you have had a string of losing months this year. Perhaps you should delete your “Hebrew Month Lover 48” account from Tinder and just reflect on you.

 

As a non-prophet/non-psychic, I am guessing that RIGHT NOW Dave has locked himself inside the Third Floor Executive Imaginarium with The Coffee Kid and Pepper Boy to compose a message for posting in Member Services before sunset today.

 

Because Dave is reading my blog and now doing the opposite of what I predict, then…um…David C. Pack will NOT give me $100k. Guaranteed.

 

If he screws me again by remaining silent until tomorrow, then I recommend you declare me a non-non-prophet/non-non-psychic. Oh wait, that would mean I’m a true one. Never mind.

 

All is well!

Marc Cebrian

See: Prophetic No-show