WANTED: Minister for the new Church of Uplifting God's Hurting Sheep (COUGHS)

From a reader:

I came across this Help Wanted ad as I was cleaning out any remaining Rubbish, Crap, and Garbage (RCG) from those who are Rich with INCreased Goods (RCG) aka Rich Cash Guys (RCG). I think I wrote it after reading the Minister's Questionnaire when I saw it sometime in 2021...

Wanted: 

 Minister 

for the 

Church of Uplifting God’s Hurting Sheep (COUGHS)

The person to be considered for this position should have the following qualifications:

Above reproach

Sober

Discreet

Modest

Not a drunk

Not a brawler

Not quarrelsome

Not greedy of ill-gotten gains

Not a whore-monger

Not a gossiper

Patient

Hospitable

Not covetous

Not lifted up with pride

Must be of good report 

Merciful

Compassionate

Understanding

Faithful

Hopeful

And above all, you must have Love…Agape, not Lust

(This is a partial list, see the instruction Book for the full list of qualifications)

The successful candidate will be serving a congregation of unknown size. There are so many beaten, abused, downtrodden, weary sheep… It may start out to be a small congregation, but sheep tend to follow the leader, and once a sheep sees other sheep headed somewhere, they, like Mary’s Little Lamb, will be sure to follow.

The person to be hired for this job must not have either illusions of, nor delusions of grandeur. You are a human being, and only one…You will check your ego at the door. If you have urges to become someone else, or several other people, such as Elijah, Joshua, Moses, or That Prophet, please report it to the ruling Council of Elders/Board of Directors (duly appointed by God)…they will be able to get you psychiatric help and/or medication.

You will answer to the aforementioned Council/Board members. They will be able to hire you and fire you, as directed by God. They will receive no monetary gains for that or any other duty.

You will keep your day job, and collect your income from there (think of Paul working as a tentmaker.) You may or may not be given a small stipend for your work with the sheep. You will not demand money, houses, or any other valuables from the sheep. They do not have fleeces of gold and are not yours for the sheering. This is a not-for-profit occupation.

You must realize that you will be working with predominately Laodicean sheep. These are they who are blind, lame, wretched, miserable, poor, etc. They may think they are rich and increased with goods…but help them anoint their eyes with salve, that they may see their real condition.

Of course, there will be sheep of other eras mixed in with the Laodicean sheep. They each have their good and/or bad points. After decades of dealing with bad shepherds, hirelings, and wolves, they all need a lot of love and attention. Most likely the sheep will think they are Philadelphian sheep, and not Laodicean sheep at all.

You must be able to prove all things and hold fast to that which is good. You must not prove all things one week, and the next week prove that it was wrong, and prove something else to be right, and the next week prove that it was wrong…and each time blame God for showing you one thing to be right, and the next week showing you a different thing to be right, ad nauseam. God tends to frown upon confusion and lies and will have the Council/Board fire you posthaste.

You will not shame and humiliate the sheep. You must treat them with love and kindness. You will not rant about how abused you were by some bad shepherd, hireling, or wolf…the sheep have all had it much worse than you. A good shepherd will be able to gently and kindly rebuke and reprove, and at the same time exhort the sheep.

If you are interested in applying, say a prayer to God. Ask Him to send you to tend, love, and care for His sheep. The Council/Board and sheep will be notified and let you know if you got the job.