Oh, praise the Lord and pass the floral arrangements—has God’s Most Exalted, Most Anointed, Most Humble Servant finally deigned to notice that his previous sermon backdrops looked like a drunk Laodicean decorated a storage unit? The Supreme Holy One has uploaded a fresh video, and behold: a brand-new painting plus two absolutely misplaced flower explosions now flanking his sacred, luminous countenance like he’s the baby Jesus in a Macy’s Christmas window display. Truly, a quantum leap forward in aesthetic holiness… if you ignore the fact that the flowers are so comically oversized and make his head and body look like a little toddler dressed in a suit.
Alas, the flailing wrists are still doing their interpretive dance routine, because apparently motor control is for lukewarm Laodiceans. And after suffering through the first three or four minutes of “umm… uh… let me… uh… turn the page… uh…” it’s clear the man’s oratorical skills remain stuck somewhere between “reading the phone book” and “hostage video.”
But fear not, brethren! The year is almost over, which means we’re one glorious trip around the sun closer to that long-overdue tribulation that will finally spank all of us rebellious, lukewarm, British-Israelite heathens upside the head. Can’t come soon enough. Onward, Ever Upward, and May His Flowers Never Wilt™!
