Today we have the divorced Official Church of God Pharisee lecturing the church on what proper marriage is and how to have Christian sex. Why is it that all of the COG leaders who screech and yell about sex are either prolific bed-hoppers, divorced or sexually repressed? Have any of them had a normal marriage?
James Malm, as usual, is parked at his kitchen table cranking out more demands for his few followers to keep, even though he soon expects his message to reunite the church into one big happy legalistic fairytale.
After talking about how men and women should refrain from sex before marriage to keep themselves pure for their marriage to Jesus, he lays down how his followers who do get married as to how they should be having sex, including penetration. Ouch!
Helpful tips (For the FIRST time)
The wedding night should be a tremendous delight and should be an absolutely positive beginning to any marriage. Unfortunately it is often the case that virgins view the wedding night with unneeded concern and trepidation. The groom may fear that he will be unable to penetrate, while the bride may fear that she will suffer pain or even damage. These fears are unfounded if only people understood how to perform the initial act.
Quite simply the groom should first engage in significant foreplay and then penetrate with one finger which will be relatively painless and will do no damage. When the bride is comfortable use two fingers and then three, after which penetration by the husband will be easy, painless and most pleasurable for both. The lady should NOT do this herself but give this pleasure to her husband so that he will know without doubt that he is the first and only one.
This knowledge will remove all fears and will make the wedding night a wonderful pleasure for both bride and groom and a tremendously wonderful beginning of a lifetime of love and loyalty for one another.So how often should a married couple have sex? The Pharisee did get one point right:
But don't get too wild in the bedroom (or kitchen), anal sex is out!
The Pharisee even talks about lubricants. Since he is tooooooo cheap to buy quality lubricants he recommends baby oil! Apparently, this moron is not aware that baby oil should NOT be used inside the body. Never fear though, when they cheap bottle of baby oil is not handy the women is supposed to "simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ." Oh, the fun that could come from this!
So now that you know how to be frisky in bed, within limits, of course, it is time to learn how to get pregnant. Then once pregnant and ready to deliver you should be standing so the baby can just plop out with gravity.
While not all of this is bad advice, it is still NOT the place for some self-serving self-righteous church guru giving such advice.
The Chief Pharisee also has to speak out about menstruation. If he had his way women would be banished to menstruation huts like a couple other nutjobs Church of God gurus have proclaimed in the past. Menstruating women are unclean and defiled before h
Biblical rules regarding sexual conduct
An unclean person cannot enter into the presence of God [the tabernacle or temple] since uncleanness is an allegory of being defiled by sin.
From the onset of menstruation the lady must be left alone until sunset, and then for a seven full days until the seventh sunset. Late on the seventh day the affected person is to wash herself and her bedding and at sunset she shall be clean.
God tells Ezekiel plainly that sexual intercourse with a menstruous woman is forbidden.After the baby is delivered, and if it is a male, the scissors are required! Cut that thing!
The Pharisee writes:
Physical circumcision is an allegory of the spiritual circumcision of the heart which is sincere repentance.
Circumcision of the flesh is an allegory of circumcision of the heart which is sincere repentance and the application of the sacrifice of Christ; which truly removes the barrier of sin and reconciles the sincerely repentant to God the Father.
After the first seven days of seclusion the mother must remain in seclusion for another 33 days making a total of 40 days in seclusion. The forty days is the period of purifying before entering the tabernacle, temple or any holy place.
Such a seclusion is of great benefit to the mother and child; giving them time in a close family home environment to bond and to recover from the birth and develop immunity to disease. Breast feeding is highly important for this bonding and natural immunization process.God forbid if the mother delivered a baby girl! Damnation and tarnation are in store!
If the child is female the mother’s separation is double that of a male child
66 days plus two weeks is 80 days.
We make these specified sacrificial offerings today by going to God the Father in prayer and asking that the sacrifice of Christ be applied to us and to the child, setting apart the child through our faithfulness and asking for an understanding of these things.
The sin offering for the mother represents the application of Christ’s sacrifice for the repentant obedient woman: And a burnt offering pictures wholehearted faithful service to God the Father and Jesus Christ.
The woman is commanded to reproduce, and childbearing is a great service to God the Father because a woman gave birth to Messiah the Christ, the Deliverer of humanity.
So there you have it, the Pharisaical way of having sex. So go get some cheap baby oil and get frisky!