Divorced Wanna-be COG Prophet Lectures Church on Marriage and Proper Christian Sex

Of all the hundreds and hundreds of names the Church of God has added to its moniker, none of them have ever called themselves the Sexy Church of God, or the Sexless Church of God or the Church of God in Sex.  They really should though, as much as so many of their tired old leaders talk about it.

Today we have the divorced Official Church of God Pharisee lecturing the church on what proper marriage is and how to have Christian sex.  Why is it that all of the COG leaders who screech and yell about sex are either prolific bed-hoppers, divorced or sexually repressed?  Have any of them had a normal marriage?

James Malm, as usual, is parked at his kitchen table cranking out more demands for his few followers to keep, even though he soon expects his message to reunite the church into one big happy legalistic fairytale.

After talking about how men and women should refrain from sex before marriage to keep themselves pure for their marriage to Jesus, he lays down how his followers who do get married as to how they should be having sex, including penetration.  Ouch!

Keys to good sex  

Always remember that good sex begins when we wake up in the morning, because a great marriage makes for good sex. 

1. Do not expect a spouse to be in the mood if the day was filled with offenses or high stress  
2. Begin in the morning by committing oneself to live through the day avoiding offenses and always acting for the best interests of the family 
3. Through the day be kind, considerate, helpful, affectionate  
4. Remember to touch, a loving caress or a big hug and a kiss on the neck can be most encouraging
5. Handle problems or worries as they come up and do not allow many worries to build up into high stress
6. Be cleanly, remember that cleanliness is next to godliness and a dirty or malodorous body is a big turn off; and remember that you are used to your own smell and may not notice an odor which is very offensive to others, so shower whether you think you need to or not  
7. Make time to spend time with one another.  There may be times for a quickie, but spending an hour or two making each other feel loved on a regular basis is very important

The main principle to guide any sexual [or any other] activity in marriage is that the act be one of deep love and concern for the other.  

Helpful tips  (For the FIRST time)

The wedding night should be a tremendous delight and should be an absolutely positive beginning to any marriage.  Unfortunately it is often the case that virgins view the wedding night with unneeded concern and trepidation.  The groom may fear that he will be unable to penetrate, while the bride may fear that she will suffer pain or even damage.  These fears are unfounded if only people understood how to perform the initial act.  

Quite simply the groom should first engage in significant foreplay and then penetrate with one finger which will be relatively painless and will do no damage.  When the bride is comfortable use two fingers and then three, after which penetration by the husband will be easy, painless and most pleasurable for both.  The lady should NOT do this herself but give this pleasure to her husband so that he will know without doubt that he is the first and only one.  

This knowledge will remove all fears and will make the wedding night a wonderful pleasure for both bride and groom and a tremendously wonderful beginning of a lifetime of love and loyalty for one another. 

So how often should a married couple have sex? The Pharisee did get one point right:

How often? 

As often as the couple wants!  The husband and wife should enjoy one another to the full.

Some people have stronger drives than others and it would be wise to discuss this point when contemplating marriage. 

But don't get too wild in the bedroom (or kitchen), anal sex is out!

No couple need deprive themselves of the blessings of pleasing their spouses whenever the need runs high, just because someone else has decided for them what he thinks they should be doing or not doing. Anal sex is wrong because it damages the body and exposes one to disease, otherwise what any couple does for each other in their marriage or how often is NOBODY else’s business.  

Without a very good reason the wife should not refuse her husband and the husband must not refuse his wife; lest they be tempted astray.

The Pharisee even talks about lubricants.  Since he is tooooooo cheap to buy quality lubricants he recommends baby oil!  Apparently, this moron is not aware that baby oil should NOT be used inside the body.  Never fear though, when they cheap bottle of baby oil is not handy the women is supposed to "simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ."  Oh, the fun that could come from this!

Possible problems during the marriage

Sex is intended to be delightful for both spouses, therefore if a wife experiences discomfort or pain she should seek medical advice. 

There are a variety of problems, most of which can be easily corrected if caught early.  The important thing is to catch them as early as possible.  

One such problem could be the common simple yeast infection.  One of the causes of yeast infections is the simple bath.  When we sit in the bath we are siting in water that is becoming dirty as we wash and also filled with soap scum which is alkaline and promotes yeast growth.  It is far better to shower; as in the shower the dirt and soap is washed away and down the drain, and we are not sitting in contaminated water for 15 minutes or more.

Occasionally natural lubrication fails for a time.  In that case there are many sex lubricants out there for a significant price.  The best kept secret among lubricants and by far the cheapest is simple scent free baby oil.  The price is kept very low since it is made for babies, but it is an ideal lubricant for intercourse.  The age old lubrication method is for the lady to simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ.

So now that you know how to be frisky in bed, within limits, of course, it is time to learn how to get pregnant. Then once pregnant and ready to deliver you should be standing so the baby can just plop out with gravity.

Child bearing

To maximize the potential for pregnancy the wife should not stand up for at least an hour after intercourse to prevent gravity from working against her.

A wife’s orgasm is not necessary for conception, although it does help measurably.  The contraction of the involved muscles causes the uterus to draw sperm up into itself.

In childbirth, it is very important that a woman not lie down during labor.  She should sit is a reclining position as far as is possible and take frequent periods of standing [supported by others] to allow gravity to aid the process.

It is modern medicine with their beds and stirrups for the convenience of physicians which has caused people to lose sight of the powerful physical agency of  GRAVITY:  Let it work for you and do not try and work against it by lying down through labor and birthing.

It is natural to want to lie down because of discomfort and pain; but sitting in a reclining position will speed the process considerably and will actually help open the birth canal for delivery.

While not all of this is bad advice, it is still NOT the place for some self-serving self-righteous church guru giving such advice. 

The Chief Pharisee also has to speak out about menstruation.  If he had his way women would be banished to menstruation huts like a couple other nutjobs Church of God gurus have proclaimed in the past.  Menstruating women are unclean and defiled before h

Biblical rules regarding sexual conduct 

An unclean person cannot enter into the presence of God [the tabernacle or temple] since uncleanness is an allegory of being defiled by sin.  

From the onset of menstruation the lady must be left alone until sunset, and then for a seven full days until the seventh sunset.  Late on the seventh day the affected person is to wash herself and her bedding and at sunset she shall be clean.  

God tells Ezekiel plainly that sexual intercourse with a menstruous woman is forbidden.

After the baby is delivered, and if it is a male, the scissors are required!  Cut that thing!

The Pharisee writes:

We are commanded to circumcise our sons on the eighth day of their life.  The mother is to be unclean for seven days and the eighth day represents a new beginning.

Circumcision removes a piece of skin covering a most sensitive area and is an allegory of the removal of the sin that separates people from God, making people sensitive to the whole Word of God.

Physical circumcision is an allegory of the spiritual circumcision of the heart which is sincere repentance. 

Circumcision of the flesh is an allegory of circumcision of the heart which is sincere repentance and the application of the sacrifice of Christ; which truly removes the barrier of sin and reconciles the sincerely repentant to God the Father.

After the mother delivers the baby, she must be isolated from other people for 40 days.  She is unclean and must be purified.

After the first seven days of seclusion the mother must remain in seclusion for another 33 days making a total of 40 days in seclusion.  The forty days is the period of purifying before entering the tabernacle, temple or any holy place. 

Such a seclusion is of great benefit to the mother and child; giving them time in a close family home environment to bond and to recover from the birth and develop immunity to disease.  Breast feeding is highly important for this bonding and natural immunization process. 

God forbid if the mother delivered a baby girl! Damnation and tarnation are in store!

If the child is female the mother’s separation is double that of a male child

66 days plus two weeks is 80 days. 

We make these specified sacrificial offerings today by going to God the Father in prayer and asking that the sacrifice of Christ be applied to us and to the child, setting apart the child through our faithfulness and asking for an understanding of these things.

The sin offering for the mother represents the application of Christ’s sacrifice for the repentant obedient woman: And a burnt offering pictures wholehearted faithful service to God the Father and Jesus Christ. 

The woman is commanded to reproduce, and childbearing is a great service to God the Father because a woman gave birth to Messiah the Christ, the Deliverer of humanity. 

So there you have it, the Pharisaical way of having sex. So go get some cheap baby oil and get frisky!