Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Apostle Malm's Sex Tips For True Christians

The apostle Malm continues his sex talks for TRUE followers of God today with explicit sex advice.  If you thought Herbert Armstrong's books and advice were kooky, wait till you get a load of the advice he is giving.  While it is not all bad, it is something Malm has no business whatsoever sticking his fingers into.

Here ya go, words straight from the apostle:

Advice on when  women might feel pain and then what to do if she can't fix the problem fast enough. i.e. The man has to be satisfied at all costs.....:

1)   Intercourse is intended to be delightful for both spouses, therefore if a lady experiences discomfort or pain she should immediately seek medical advice. There are a variety of problems, most of which can be easily corrected if caught early.  The important thing is to catch them as early as possible.  Of course a loving husband would not think of inflicting such pain and would refrain until the problem is corrected.  If this takes some some time [days or longer], there are other methods the wife can use to ease her husband and she should not be shy or hesitant about using them.

Advice on yeast infections:

2)   One such problem could be the common simple yeast infection.  One of the many causes of yeast infections is the simple bath.  When we sit in the bath we are siting in water that is becoming dirty as we wash, and also filled with soap scum which is alkaline and promotes yeast growth.  It is far better to shower; as in the shower the dirt and soap is washed away and down the drain, and we are not sitting in it for 15 minutes or more.

Advice on saliva as lubricant:

3)  Occasionally natural lubrication fails for a time.  In that case there are many sex lubricants out there for a significant price.  The best kept secret among lubricants and by far the cheapest is simple; scent free baby oil.  The price is kept very low since it is made for babies, but it is an ideal lubricant for intercourse.

I should add that the time tested and ages old lubrication method, is for the lady to simply place some of her saliva on her husband’s organ.

Advice for virgins to not stretch themselves before marriage, it's the mans duty to use his fingers first:

4)   Many virgins have inserted a finger and stretched themselves, out of fear of tearing during their  first intercourse experience.  DO NOT DO THIS.  The word “virgin” means that NOTHING has penetrated.  The husband should have the right of FIRST penetration, which is a guarantee of purity to him.

5)   The ladies in no 4 above, have a point.  To prevent any possibility of injury or significant pain the husband should first insert a lubricated finger and move it until his bride is comfortable;  then he should insert a second finger and repeat the process with two fingers. At that point he will be able to penetrate with  his organ, with a minimum of discomfort and a maximum of pleasure for the bride.

If man climaxes first it is his job to rub wife till she climaxes.  If that doesn't work, then you had better take stock on how you plan your foreplay the next time:

6)   If the husband climaxes before his wife, and she wants to continue he should do it again.  If he is tired and cannot, then he should simple rub her until she is satisfied.  He should then take note of the matter and take more time in foreplay next time around; until the two adjust to each other.  If he is exhausted and just falls asleep, she should rub herself to completion rather than burn for hours, and the husband should be comfortable with that.

If a couple is trying to get pregnant the man should refrain from any form or ejaculation for a week and the woman should not stand up after having sex.

7)  If a pregnancy is desired the biggest mistake is to try too hard;  The more frequent the sex, the lower the sperm count;  you cannot achieve pregnancy by shooting blanks.  The husband should not have sex of any kind for several days; better a week at least;  to build up a high sperm count.  Then they they should have lots of intercourse beginning about four to three days before the expected onset of menstruation.
Ovulation takes place about ten days before menstruation, however it takes a few days for the egg to travel down towards the unterus.

The wife should not stand up for at least an hour after intercourse to prevent gravity from working against her.

Orgasm is not necessary for conception, although it does help measurably.  The contraction of the involved muscles causes the uterus to draw sperm up into itself.

Once the woman is pregnant and ready to give birth she should not lay down but squat. While this advice may not be that bad, again, no spokesman of any COG needs to be giving.

8)   In childbirth, it is very important that a woman NOT lie down during labour.  She should sit up as far as is possible and take frequent periods of standing [supported by others].

It is modern medicine with their beds and stirrups for the convenience of physicians which has caused people to lose sight of the most powerful physical agency  on the planet:  GRAVITY.  Let it work for you and do not try and work against it by lying down through the labour period.

It is natural to want to lie down because of discomfort and pain; sitting upright will speed the process considerably and squatting will actually open the birth canal for delivery.

There you have it.  The Plain truth about good sex in the Church of Malm.  Just remember to do all of this BEFORE sundown on Friday!


Douglas Becker said...

Has Malm been demoted from Apostle to Pastor?


NO2HWA said...

good catch! just changed it to "apostle"

Corky said...

All these little details have to be explained to the sheeple 'cause, as everyone knows, sheeple are too stupid to figure out how to have sex without these specific instructions from an expert...

Byker Bob said...

This stuff would have been considered timely and contemporary advice back in the late '50s and early '60s, an earlier more innocent time when information of a sexual nature was kept more secretive.

But, it's kind of Victorian and camp now, unless the person receiving the advice has been isolated and home schooled throughout their lives.

throughout his or her lifetime.

Head Usher said...

Agreed BB. Apostle Malm said "I have had a strong feeling that the subject of sex needs to be covered." I'm not sure where he gets these feelings from. I'd bet that Malm doesn't get much feedback he takes seriously except from a few trusted acolytes, and that he easily becomes putty in the hands of those he trusts.

The thing he seems to be trying to do is correct the "errors" in HWA's old sex manuals. I'm sure that HWA's old writings are required reading in the households of his acolytes. Even though HWA takes a beating, still, he forms the foundation of ALL their thinking, but just needs a few tweaks because of the "errors." I guess his acolytes have been disagreeing about how and when Jesus would have sex.

Like the rest of the aging COG population, I guess Apostle Malm was born around WW2 and came of age during the '50s, which is also the time frame that the COGs would all like the world to return to. They all seem to picture Jesus ushering in a time of peace, harmony, and 1950's nostalgia. And when he does, six days married couples will assume the missionary position, but the seventh is sabbath of the lord thy god.

Jack said...

Practicing medicine without a license. Hmmmm

Anonymous said...

What an idiot....nothing should be inserted prior to whatever the man does on his wedding night. Of course he paid for his pure bride with 50 camels or whatever. Has he heard of tampax? and are all little girls totally uncurious about their bodies?

His advice on getting pregnant is wrong too. Most women are more fertile at the beginning of their cycle, and the last week before menstruation is a pretty safe time for those who don't want to get pregnant. Did he read any books on this subject or did he just get all this "knowledge" from experience.