I was sent a link to this blog this morning by a reader here. The blog, Washed in Tears, is about one man's journey of life in Armstrongism, leaving it, going back to to it and then leaving again because he had too questions that never got answered (thanks to Borg and Spong.) He's been on a quest to find a "culture," a place where he fits in, like most of us thought we did when we were wrapped up in the Armstrongism. It was our culture, our identity. When that was ripped away or we walked away it was hard to find an identity that fit.
And I’ve come to realize that I have spent the last 28 or so years trying desperately to find a culture – any culture whatsoever – that I can claim and fit into and call my own. A culture, and a family.
And today is the day it finally hit that I will not. The culture I was raised in was far too penetrated, far too influential, far too ingrained into every aspect of my life. When I was cast adrift out of the culture and the family – at around nine – all I had left were memories of what was, memories of what were ultimately not horrible experiences, and memories of that which never would be again. First it was the disintegration of the family, and then, years later, it was the disintegration of the church.
And now, I’m nearly 39 years old, and I come to realize that I’m no closer to finding that kind of community and acceptance – the kind I had when I was very little – than I was all that many years ago. I’ve come to realize that I’m still just as alone, just as much of an island, as I always have been. Still just as much of a social recluse, a homeless man in every way but literally, a survivor and nothing more.
And as I try to work through Christianity, I find myself saying that I have an identity – of some type or other – with God. Great. I wish it was enough, but it’s not. If it was enough, then why would I even exist on this realm in the first place? It’s not enough. The body of Christ still sees me as an interloper, and frankly, I’m not sure I think too highly of them either. I ask too many questions, I don’t join the culture.
I don’t join the culture because