P(T)TSD
Post Theological Stress Disorder
I would have liked to
think I could have blown this all off or chalked it all easily up to just
another experience in life, but after way too long, I admit to the fact
that for me, the WCG experience has left me with an ongoing case of
P(T)TSD. And no, I am not being cute or flippant about it. I will
leave posting or not posting this up to the Blogmeister. He knows me very
well and has been a great help through the years aside from inviting me to
write on his blog. It is something I'd like to say but perhaps should not
get all that personal about. We'll see. I don't want to make this
decision at this point and I think I have the freedom to do it with
NO2HWA.
There are several
reasons why being open and honest about feelings, emotions, perspectives and
such can be foolish in most groups. I have been told that and
experienced the truth of it from time to time. One always runs the risk
of the "all you ministers...." deserve what you get or some
kind of scorn when drifting over the boundaries between this is how I feel and
this is unique to just me. I am well aware of how many have suffered in
many ways . The experience is not unique to humans but it is unique to
this one.
A few weeks ago I got a
"you have email from Ms SuzyQ" from a dating site. This dating
site thing has not been the greatest experience and I let it go but this one
came in just under the wire. "Hi....I just read your
profile. It was fascinating. Until I got to the part where you 'used' to
be a minister. You must be a jerk." Lol. That's
the South for you. So being or not being at this point is a losing
proposition no matter which way one goes. I wrote asking why the hell she
would waste her time to send me that message but as yet have not had a response.
The last ten years have
been difficult and I'd have thought it would not take so long to process this
. Divorce, broken relationships with people I love deeply and always will
and with those I thought I did but disappeared and apparently were users,
and other "stuff" have taken its toll. I either have
the chemistry from hell, am too sensitive to changes in life or
defective. I chose to go with the first two but leave the door open to
other realities. Depression, which seems to me to be anger turned inward
or too expensive to express is there. Anxiety about how the future can
possible work out lurks. Sometimes I wake up at night, think a thought
and it sets off a cascade of thoughts that lead to being up the rest of the
night just holding the pillow close because my stomach hurts now. Sometimes I
have trouble just breathing or sitting still. My head runs like a freight
train and fixing is not an option for the most part, just acceptance.
Chewie the Wookie does
help and is about the most loyal creature I have ever encountered.
It was only this week
that I can admit that I have PTSD in the classic and very real sense. For
me, this whole WCG experience, aside from many wonderful experiences along the
way, has turned out to be traumatic, emotionally, physically and
spiritually. Dark nights of souls and all that.
All my life in the
ministry I was told after speaking or privately when talking about many things
over the years that I "ahead of my time," and that "you say
things I'm only thinking." I used to think that was a compliment but
it is a formula for eventual Crucifixion or stake burning evidently. One
prominent WCG Executive type told me way back that he didn't understand why I
was in the ministry of WCG and didn't need to be because it didn't fit me,
whatever that meant. I think I now know what he meant.
One minister told me
when I left on my first ministerial assignment from college, "for you, the
sky is the limit." That both perplexed and then annoyed me as
it honestly would not have crossed my mind that the sky being the limit was a
goal of ministry. It was an odd comment.
Here is the typical list
of the symptoms of PTSD minus the ones I did not feel I experience or maybe too
personal even for me to write about.
Enormous Feelings of Betrayal
Feeling of Spiritual Rape of the SoulComplex
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 1
Several of a cluster of symptoms can develop,
including spontaneous crying, suicidal thoughts, emotional numbing, phobias,
social withdrawal, flashbacks, amnesia, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt,
self-loathing, fear of going insane.
Identity Confusion/disorientation
Dissociation
Panic and Anxiety Attacks
Obsessive Thoughts
Alcohol abuse
Depression
Problems or Inability in Making Decisions
Fear/General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Grief & Sense of Loss
Grieving loss of innocence, idealism,
spirituality, self, pride; sense of purpose, meaning and belonging in life; no
support system; friends and family; loss of time, goals and youth
Guilt/Shame
Lack of Trust
Profound Skepticism
Intense Loneliness
Sense of Purposelessness & Disconnection
Missing the peak experiences of the group
Sense of Isolation/Alienation
"No one understands what I am going
through."
Overly Critical of Oneself and Others
Problems Having Boundaries
Feelings of Inferiority and Worthlessness
Sleep Disorders
Including nightmares and insomnia
Fear of Intimacy and Commitment
Anger or Rage
Toward the group and leader; towards oneself;
suppression of anger in the cult actually contributed to depression and sense
of helplessness
Problems with Career or Employment
Family Issues
Spiritual (or philosophical) issues
Impatience with the Recovery Process
Ouch!
All very familiar. I only find solace in the fact that if millions did
not react this way there would not be such a list in the first place. I
mean the reasons Barnes and Noble has isles of self help books and such is
because millions are seeking help! On the other hand, I
believe with all my being that had I gone to the Wesleyan Seminary
instead of WCG I would have had a similar crisis of faith as my natural
tendencies and questioning nature of all things theological and Bible
would have still existed. I may have had a different story, different
players and even different family and kids , but the experience would have
played out much the same I believe. I could be wrong. The Methodist
would have allowed one to hold different views and not endanger the rest of the
life's security. I don't know if I would have had the same personal
challenges that I did or come up with new and different ones but I suspect the
story would have been similar.
So, why
bother writing about this. I dunno. I just want to. It's been
one of those weeks I suppose (See above list) and it helps me to share and the
beat can go on. I assume I am not alone in these experiences. I am
not really pleased with myself for the length of time this seems to take.
Maybe I will never get past it or maybe it always will occupy a huge portion of
my life experiences. "Just forget it," doesn't see to work
well. I probably have ADD and touch of LMNOP.
Member or
Minister, I don't think it makes much difference when the world of theology one
adopts seems so secure, so safe and so meaningful and then falls apart. I
don't feel safe or secure anymore and while learning is enjoyable for me,
meaning still escapes me as I am sure it does for many others. I tried
going to a liberal church but had an anxiety attack and felt I could have given
a much better sermon and why he got paid for that. lol. I've prayed a few
time as in days gone by and not much seems to come from that. I even tried
to read the Bible again "for the very first time," and....nope.
Doesn't work for me except some of the more encouraging parts which are also
found in many other kinds of books.
At any
rate, thanks for listening if you get to read this! I always defined the
WCG experience as "one damned thing after the next." And this
was true. It helps me a bit to chat and perhaps it can help others not
feel so weird or slow in the recovery process as well.
Thanks!
DennisCDiehl@aol.com
