1, 2, 3, ____
Before pastoring in and for the Worldwide Church of God, I did
not know what either depression or anxiety was. When the Receivership drama hit
in the late 70's, I believe that is where it began to present itself to me and
any tendencies I may have had towards such episodes and reactions to life's
circumstances. The first medical experience I had with solving it ended up with my being told, "you'll be on these meds the rest of your life." Ummm...no. I have issues that need to be faced and resolved and when they get put in their proper perspective, I won't feel as I feel and won't be stuck. That proved to be the truth and it did not come from thinking. It was a gut reaction.
These are not easy topics to speak about. Well they are if
one is being generic and has no actual experience with it, but when it is
personal, the first reaction is that others will think one is weak. But now I know how many human beings feel and struggle the same way. Back then I did not. What good is an experience if you don't share the insights? In religion
and in the Church of God, you "lack faith" or need to get closer to God in some
way if you suffer depression or anxiety. Nonsense of course, but it is effective in promoting the guilt (I did a bad
thing) and shame (I am a bad person) that often goes with the turf of religious
practice. Coping with change and events can be challenging with all the things that are at stake in this world. It's ok to need help. It is a wise person in this day and age who has a personal counselor who actually knows how it all works.
My first conscious experience with this dual demon of depression and anxiety came in the late 70's when the WCG went into Receivership. I knew in my soul when the Receivership hit that the Church
and the Armstrongs were to blame and deserved it. I didn't want to believe it
but in my gut, I knew it was true. It was not an attack against religion. It
was not government persecuting a church for its beliefs. It was no angry Satan
attacking Herbert W Armstrong for preaching truth. It was a legitimate concern
government and those affected by the WCG and HWA had about the organization and
what was going on with it. It's when I went into my leave me alone shell and simple tried to be the best local pastor I could be. I still believed the message. It was the messengers I was having problems taking seriously
At any rate, quietly and insidiously it ate away at me. It
was the first time I wished I had made other choices but the die seemed to have
been cast. One thing lead to another and the many things I knew or heard behind
the scenes began to take their toll. Once transferred for the last time , it
broke through and I ended up having to address the depression, which in
hindsight was really my internalized and repressed anger with no place to go
safely or effectively, had to be addressed.
n the course of "treatment" I was asked to take a simple 18
question test. No problem. here is how it went.
1. 1, 2, 3 __________
2. 1a, 2b, 3c 4______
3. .....and so on.
My first thoughts were they thought I was stupid or retarded.
My second thought was along the lines of wondering what the hell was going on
and how did I get to this point. Was basket weaving next?
Question 18 looked something like this.
18. 23k547bbl38r844pcy , 35u835hcj92r022 ecy, 15x586wwx99x558
mnw, ___________
I could see the answer in my mind. But when I tried to write
it down, I lost it. It was the only one I missed.
When I went back for a "chat" with my counselor he told me I
did very well. I smiled because it was the first thing that felt good in a long
time. Then he cut me to the bone. "Dennis...it is no great honor to be the
most intelligent guy in a mental hospital." (It was a Charter
Facility)
I just stared at him. It was one of those moments where you
know someone is right but you want them to say something more kind and helpful
than that. It was then I realized that lots of folk who struggle with such
things are very intelligent. It was the first time I realized it didn't matter
if one used it badly or it simply caused one's head to spin with thoughts that
lead to depression, which is the anger at the past unresolved or anxiety which
seems all about future fears and concerns.
We/I had to do
another little experiment in the program. A standard wooden pallet was in the
middle of the room. There were about 10 of us and given the simple task of all
getting on the pallet with no feet touching the floor. Great! Now I'm a
complete idiot (You have to recall I grew up visiting a State Hospital every
week where my brother, blind, deaf and speechless lived). Now I was going to prove I was handicapped!
We did as instructed and the counselor said, "Ok , let's go back and talk about
this." Sure, fine. I was not in a good mood.
The counselor asked one question of the group to consider.
"Tell me where you were on the pallet. The center, the inside or the outside.
Got me! I woke up a bit more forever. I was on the outside with my arms out
holding everyone on the pallet. He asked me if I had the thought of stepping
off the pallet so others had room? Got me! "yes." He said we had to work on
that but I got the point and it was a life lesson never to be forgotten.
What's the point? Going back to "It is no great honor being
the most intelligent guy in a mental facility," I see the same thing going on
with Dave Pack and his Restored Church of God. I think you know I have little
use for the one man show in church and religion. It is too dangerous and to
think one man would be allowed to filter my world of experience and thought ,
hopes and faith through his mind is obscene to me. RCG members allow it all the
time. It's why we write about thinking for one's self and not letting others
filter your experience through their own baggage or way of being and seeing.
Dave Pack is an intelligent man in many ways but not
theologically and I think most here know what I mean by that from previous
comments of mine on the topic. He, like most in the Church of God ministry,
are mere Bible readers and commentators. He just does it well. Bob Thiel and Gerald Flurry do not do it all that well. That is not the same, however, as being
theologically trained or competent. He is an excellent speaker and can present
material very well. Not to me personally of course, as his presentations are
almost humorous to me knowing what he is actually doing or how he really does
not understand the origins and intent of the original material he now presents,
but that's a different topic.
Dave seems both "intelligent" and clever. Clever is the
devious part of intelligence and not a good combo. Clever always falls to
reality and truth. It serves a short term purpose but clever always ends up
biting you in the ass. Clever is what Dave being forced to use now to keep his Haggai Prophecy alive and kicking. Those outside the sphere of clever influence can see it
clear as day. Those inside the circle tend to not see it and excuse it when they
do. You have to be good at that gut stirring denial in the Churches of God at
times. I was.
In some ways, I feel sorry for the man. The excuse making,
rewriting, editing and blame placing where it does not actually belong is a
common approach those given to hyperbole and theological nonsense end up
perfecting when the excrement hits the rotating device. In religion you always
get to say "God is revealing more," "Rejoice! We have more time," or in Dave's
case, "The Prophecy stands true. It is the timing that "we" i.e. "he" did not
understand. In my world we call that "Weinlanding." You actually crash but
you survive saying, "any landing you survive is a good landing."
"Apostle" Dave is intelligent. He is clever. He is
persuasive sorta depending. He is driven. He reads well. He can make up many
points to be known. He copies HWA very well. I think he is sincere and really
believes he is spoken of in scripture. "Apostle" Dave Pack is the most clever and "intelligent" guy in the Wild World of God mental facility.
But let me pass a life lesson on to you Dave...
"It is no great honor to be the most intelligent
guy in a mental health facility."
I'd also be curious to know where you'd end up on the pallet... In the middle or on perimeter? I doubt it would be anyplace in between.